Am I (Still) In Love?

Here at The Rx we focus on giving information for all your important relationships: your marriage, family, siblings, children, whatever. This week's letter comes from a woman who's engaged. She writes:

Dear Aaron, 

I've been engaged for a little over a year and we've been dating for a year before that. The marriage date is late this summer but I don't know if I'm really feeling up to it anymore. I used to feel so alive and excited to get married and to spend the rest of my life with him but ever since we moved in together things have changed. That passion has slowly fizzled and it seems like we're more of just  roommates. I'm worried that I'm not in love anymore

We Get Along Great, But Am I Still in Love?

When we go out with out friends they always compliment us on how well we get along. They say they've never seen a couple who gets along so well together. And we do. But our relationship is actually pretty stale. We don't have sex very often and when we do it's usually the same way at the same time of day. When we go out we usually do stuff with friends because it's pretty boring when we go out just the two of us. And when we're home together, we usually end up watching TV or we're both zone out on our laptops doing different things. It didn't use to be like this we used to be so passionate and excited together.

We still get along really well together. In fact, I still want to get married if only for the fact that we hardly ever argue and we're so comfortable together. But I'm worried that I might not be in love anymore. Am I still in Love?

Sincerely, 
What is Love.

Dear What is Love,

You ask a question that's been asked by many brides and grooms for centuries. Even poets, singers and philosophers have asked this question. Many couples go through spells in their relationship where they just don't  feel connected anymore. They don't feel that spark with each other. They may even still care for each other deeply, they just don't feel that passion they once did. They often end up asking "Am I still in love?"

I see couples every day who question whether they're still in love or not. Some of them are like you and get along perfectly well with their partner but just feel no spark. Some of them are on the other side of the spectrum where they don't get along at all with their partner but they feel a lot of spark.

Whether You're Still In Love Is Up To You

The simple truth is whether or not you're still in love is really up to you. You're the one with the prerogative over your feelings so you can't rely on your friends (or even counselors) to tell you whether you're still in love or not. It's a personal decision that only you can make. Besides, you're the one who has to live with your decision you make about whether you're in love or not so you better make sure you're comfortable with it - without worrying what your friends think.

To help you decide whether or not you're still in love you have to do a lot of searching within yourself. You need to find what does love mean to you? Ask yourself questions like: What makes me feel electrified in a relationship? What makes me feel committed? What makes me feel an abiding comfort and safety? Once you find these answers then you can answer for yourself whether you're still in love or not. And then you can make decisions about what you want to do with your engagement.

Warm Regards, 

Aaron 

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How Infidelity Saved Us!

I got this from a reader who gave me permission to share it on here. Her experience is a perfect example of how even the roughest patches in your relationship can turn out to be for good in the end. 

How My Husbands Affair Saved Us

I still remember the day that Steve* (name changed) told me he was having an affair and didn't want to stop. I was so devastated. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up. My mind was racing. I couldn't help but wonder "What did I do?" "Why didn't he ever tell me?" "How could he do this to me and our family?" I had so many thoughts that I couldn't keep track of 'em all. I'm actually surprised I remember these ones. Initially, I started to think that it was all my fault and I should have known better. Steve always had a high sex drive and we always fought about how I never wanted to do it as often as he did. I should have known that he wouldn't live a sexually frustrated life forever. 

After a week or two of deciding what we wanted to do, Steve decided to end the affair and we decided to go see a counselor. When we got to the counselor's office, Steve talked about his years of sexual frustration and I blamed myself for the affair. I was apologetic and  remorseful and Steve was angry and bitter about his years of sexual frustration. 

We Both Stopped Blaming Me

Over the course of counseling, the therapist helped me to see that the affair was not my fault and helped me to learn to stop blaming myself. I learned that there was a vulnerability in the relationship created by the sexual frustration but Steve could have done hundreds of other things other than having an affair to fix it. He could have worked more, found a new hobby, asked to see a counselor, etc. but he chose to have an affair. 

Steve  also began accepting ownership for the affair. He recognized he could have done hundreds of other things. He learned a lot about himself and why he chose to have an affair instead of joining a book club or something else. He was apologetic for putting me and the family through the embarrassment of his affair and for creating the difficult situation in our marriage because of the affair. 

We Realized We Were Both At Fault

After Steve accepted ownership and I stopped accepting blame, we began to dig deep to uncover what happened that created the affair. Steve stated that he was so reliant on sex with me to feel close to me - so when we weren't having sex, he wasn't feeling close anymore. After a while he got tired of feeling so rejected by the one that he relied so heavily on that he found another way to meet this emotional need. And he wasn't blaming me by saying this anymore. He was taking ownership of his own feelings and his own actions. 

After I learned to stop blaming myself, I realized I did have some ownership in the affair, too. This was a bitter pill to swallow. I had finally stopped blaming myself for the affair and now I had to turn around and own up to what I really was doing in the relationship that was causing problems. I was resentful that I would have to talk about this just because Steve had an affair.  But I went there anyway. 

After some work, I realized I was never comfortable with sex because of my strict conservative upbringing and I recognized that I had a lot of feelings of shame surrounding sex. Because of my shame, I had difficulty allowing Steven to connect with me emotionally. In the back of my mind, I knew that if he felt close to me emotionally he would want to have sex with me so I kept an emotional distance as a way to preemptively avoid sex.

After discovering both of our patterns, we worked on not blocking each other out anymore. He begun trying to reach out to me emotionally again and I began trying to accept his emotional requests. This meant that he started wanting sex more and I had to get more comfortable with my body and my feelings around sex. At first I was resentful because I had to dig up all these issues about me just because Steve had an affair but after a while I got more comfortable with my body and with sex .I even found that after I allowed myself to feel close, I naturally began wanting to have sex with him. I would even initiate it more because I felt so close. And it was good sex. It was the emotional, connecting, electrifying kind of sex. 

We Stopped Blocking Each Other Out

As we continued on, we realized so many ways that we were both blocking each other out emotionally: Him out of his fear of rejection and me out of my fear of it leading to sex. With these gone, we were now able to connect in so many new ways. It felt like we were dating again. 

It took 22 years to finally get here but now we're as happy as we've ever been in our relationship. Now we have the relationship we both dreamed of. We are so close and passionate about each other in ways that we never were. The affair was one of the toughest things I've ever had to go through and I still wish we never went through it. But if it weren't for the affair, we would never have the relationship we have now. It opened our eyes to the ways our relationship was hurting and made us work to heal it. Now we're stronger than ever and I have the affair to thank for it!

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Are You Too Comfortable in Your Relationship?

Everyone wants a relationship where things go smoothly. One where both partners are so in tune and connected that they are able to preemptively know what each other needs. They're so in tune that they don't even have to think about what the other one wants and the relationship is just...effortless.

As you look around, you see hundreds of couples with this kind of relationship. They seem to have it all together. You hardly ever see them fight, they're always calm when they're together. They talk about everything very matter-of-factly without any hints of disagreement or anger. They just seem so comfortable together. Wouldn't it be nice if you had a relationship like theirs?

Effortless Relationships Can Be Harmful

Did you know that these kinds of relationships can actually be harmful? Yep, it's true. Relationships take
work. That's all there is to it. If you're coasting by in an effortless relationship, the odds are that you and your spouse are actually pretty distant from each other or that one of you is neglecting the other's emotional needs.  This is really bad for your relationship. Instead of saying "I will be here for you for better or for worse, through sickness and health" it tells your spouse that "I care about you, just not enough to put in a lot of effort". That's one of the worst messages you can send to your partner.

So how can you make sure you're not too comfortable in your relationship and that you're still meeting your partner's needs? Below are three common signs to watch out for:

3 Signs That You're Too Comfortable In Your Relationship

1) You Don't Need To Talk a Lot. Relationships are a dance between two partners. And one of the most basic steps in that dance is talking to each other. If you feel so comfortable in your relationship that you don't really feel like you need to talk a lot then you're probably too comfortable. Couples need to talk not just about who's picking up the kids or what we're having for dinner tonight, but they need to talk about each other. How they're doing, if they feel like they're meeting their life goals or not, etc. This creates connection, spark and passion.

2) You Don't Know Important Things About Them. As mentioned above, couples need to talk - but not just about mundane, routine things. If you find yourself not knowing what project your spouse is working on at work or that they recently started a new hobby, you're way too comfortable in your relationship. This leaves your spouse feeling unimportant and feeling like you're uninvolved in their life.

3) Sex Has Become Bland. I've said it over and over again on here. Couples who have unfulfilling sex lives have unfulfilling relationships and vice versa. If you have sex the same way at the same time in the same position over and over again, that's a sign that you're too comfortable in your relationship. Try shaking things up a little. Buy a book or buy some outfits for each other. Trying new things are ways to get communication going and creating a little extra passion between the sheets, too.

Get To Know Each Other More

We all would like an effortless relationship where we don't have to put a lot of work into it, but this relationship would be pretty bland and boring, actually. Instead, couples should be constantly trying to get to know each other more and more. There are lots of things that create newness and variety. You can go to new places to eat, or pick up a new hobby together, etc. Push yourselves out of your comfort zone with each other and see how each other responds to new situations. It may not be that comfortable relationship you've always wanted, but it'll sure be a lot more fun.

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Marriage Prep 101: 3 Tips for Your Happily-Ever-After

The wedding season is upon us and about this time, I get a lot of calls from people for premarital counseling. They just want to make sure that their relationship is in ship shape so that they can rest a little easier about getting married. In fact, I get a lot of people who end up on my blog looking for premarital information, too. So I decided to ask my good friend Rachel Russo, a NYC-based dating coach, to write a guest article about what couples and singles can do to prepare for their happily-ever-after before they say "I do". 

“When are you going to get married?” How many times were you asked that question—if even by yourself? From the serial-dating-single-lady whose grandmother begs you to get married while she is still alive to the couple that’s been dating for years and still haven't tied the knot, to the gay man who is fighting just to have the equal rights, chances are marriage has crossed your mind. You may walk down the aisle within the next year or within the next decade. But the real question is: Will you be prepared for marriage?

If you’d rather not chance something as important as “till death do us part,” you are in a good company. There are many people out there who feel strongly about marrying once and doing it right. The three tips that follow will help you prepare for your once-and-for-all, happily-ever-after-marriage:

Learn to leave your past in the past.

Everyone has baggage when it comes to past relationships. Sometimes issues will never be 100 % resolved, but people interested in marriage must do everything they can to minimize the negative impact of past relationships.  It is much better to have your “stuff” fit in a carry-on-bag than a three piece luggage set. Whether you see a therapist or coach, work things out as best as possible with an ex, confide in a friend, or write your feelings in a journal; do what you’ve got to do to heal your heart.

Live your best life in the present.

If you aren’t happy before you are married, you won’t be happy after you are married. Don’t expect miracles from your partner just because you will have rings. Instead, focus on self-improvement before getting married. Get into your best health and shape, higher your education, accomplish your career goals, and develop your hobbies, talents, and relationships with friends and family. You should be a whole and fulfilled person who doesn’t come into a marriage expecting to “get”. You should enter a marriage prepared to “give”.

Figure out who you’d like to be married to in the future.

The decision whether or not to marry is one of the most important you can make in life. Who you marry has everything to do with your level of happiness—or misery. Before you commit, it is crucial to put thought into the type of person who is right for you for the long term. Sadly, love isn’t always enough to weather all the challenges of a life-long partnership. You’ll need to be able to communicate. Ask yourself if you and your partner are able to express feelings and resolve conflict. You’ll also need to be compatible. Take an honest assessment of how well your personalities, lifestyles, and visions for the future fit together. Lastly, do you have chemistry? Is there enough romantic attraction to make you more than just friends? Marry someone who you truly think you could go the distance with.

Need more tips on preparing for marriage? Check out StatusMakeover.com, a website by Rachel Russo, a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. 

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Rx Around The World: Unique Reasons To Thank Your Wife This Mothers Day

With Mothers Day less than a week away a lot of mothers are looking forward to having a day where they feel appreciated and finally receive some gratitude for all they do. In order to show their mom how grateful they are, a lot of folks look for those special cards with the right kind of humor or the right kind of saying that is exactly how they are feeling.

Husbands Should Thank Their Wives For Mothers Day

For a lot of families, this responsibility of preparing for Mother's Day falls on the fathers.Their children are just too young to get a gift or the children don't have any money or they just don't know what to get her. So fathers go out with their kids to help buy that special something for their children's mom. But in this hassle of helping the kids get something for their mom, a lot of husbands forget that their children's mom does a lot for them, too. Shouldn't husbands get gifts for their wife on Mother's Day also? After all, being a great mom takes a lot of work and helps dads a lot.

Unique Reasons To Thank Your Wife

There are plenty of reasons to thank your wife this Mother's Day. I did an article on it on FamilyShare.com titled Unique Reasons to Thank Your Wife.  Did you know that men who are married have better health, live longer, have better mental health and are less stressed? Yep, it's true. Think about all the wonderful things this does for husbands. They're healthier, happier and live longer. Now why wouldn't you want to thank your wife for that?

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Unique Reasons to Thank your Mother This Mother's Day

It's almost Mother's Day. So this week on The Rx we're dedicating posts to mothers and the great things they do. Last week, we ran a post on gift ideas for Mother's Day to help you get started on gift buying. Don't forget to check it out to help get your brain going on some gifts that she'll love. We'll run another one for last minute gift ideas towards the end of the week for all you procrastinators.

To start the week off, we'll highlight some of the great things about moms and what they do for their husbands and children that is irreplaceable. And in case you're wondering, this doesn't mean we're going to be hating on fathers. Fathers are equally as important as mothers and play equally as major of  a major role in their families lives. There is a lot of research on that distinguishes the positive things mothers do v. what fathers do so we'll highlight what some of those great things are - without the psychobabble of course.

Great Things Moms Do For Their Children

Looking back to your childhood, you can probably see some of the great things your mother did and appreciate them. For example, your mother was probably influential in teaching you to wash your hands before meals, saying sorry to your siblings when you hurt their feelings and helping you with homework when you needed it. You don't need research to tell you how great your mom was for doing this. But did you know that moms are more influential in helping their children learn good eating habits? And did you also know that Mothers are more influential in helping their sons learn good behavior? Yep, it's true. And these are just some of the many things research shows mothers are more important in helping their children with. 

Moms Help Children Learn Good Eating Habits 

Remember your mother nagging you to eat your vegetables, finish your food, and to not eat too much junk food. Well, research shows that's something unique to mothers. A study by Robin Drucker, MD and her colleagues show that mothers who prompted their children more to eat their food, eat healthily and not overeat, actually had children who ate their food, ate more healthily and didn't overeat. So all that nagging your mother did for you may have actually been healthy for you. While you didn't appreciate it at the time, take some time to thank her for it this Mother's Day.

Moms Help Children Learn Better Behaviors

A study by Rick Kosterman and his colleauges at the University of Washington showed mothers are

influential in teaching children good behaviors. Their study showed that mothers and fathers were both influential in helping their children's bad behavior, but their study showed that sons with mothers who took an active parenting role had better behaviors than sons whose moms weren't as active in parenting. 

They concluded that moms are influential in helping sons learn appropriate behaviors. So all those times your mother kept telling you to keep out of trouble, say you're sorry and stop picking on your siblings, she was actually teaching valuable lessons that kept you out of trouble. You may have thought it was annoying back then, but look at all the good it did you now. 

Moms Help Children Obtain Higher Education

We all remember our moms helping us with homework. But did you know that moms have been shown to be more influential than fathers in helping their children obtain a higher education? Research by Sylvia Korupp J.D. at Erfurt University in Germany shows that mothers who had positive attitudes about higher education and had higher education themselves were more likely to have children who also had positive attitudes about higher education and also to obtain higher education. Of course, with higher education comes higher earning power, etc.

Thank Your Mother This Mother's Day

There are lots of other ways that mothers are influential in their children's lives. But the most important one is the unique way that she influenced you personally. Sure, she may have told you wash your hands before you eat, don't pick on your siblings, and get your homework done, but a lot of mothers did. One of the most important gifts you can give your mother this Mother's Day is to be grateful for the unique way she influenced you. Maybe she encouraged you to keep up with a talent you wanted to give up on. Maybe she taught you to stand up for yourself when a bully was picking on you. Whatever the reason, make sure to thank her for it. There's a reason there's so much blank space in those Mother's Day cards. 

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How do We Get Our Old Relationship Back?

Aaron,

My husband and I have been married for 18 years this November. We had a great relationship until about 12 years ago. We were always with each other and did lots of fun things together as a family. He had just landed a great job so we weren't short on money. We were so excited for the future and its many possibilities. Sex was also great and we did it a lot (probably 4 times a week or so).


I honestly don't know what happened. He started having to work a lot and I started going out with friends more to help my loneliness. I also joined book clubs and mommy groups, too. At the time I thought it was just a phase and that he needed to put the time into his work. But it never really stopped. Now we're distant and only do things as a family - never alone. Sex has also fallen off a cliff. We might do it 4 times a month now is all.

How do I Get My Old Relationship Back?

I've heard of couples going on retreats or cruises to get their old relationship back. Is this possible? Should I look into one of those?

Sincerely,

Living in the Past


Hi Mrs. Living In The Past.

What you're talking about sounds kind of typical, actually. Couples will start relationships hot and heavy and they're going great until something happens that tests the marriage (such as one of the spouses having to work more) and then their relationship just never recovers fully.

I actually get a lot of couples who come into me and say they want to get their old relationship back. I have to tell you that in all my years as a counselor I have never seen this work. Here's why:

Going Back to 'How Things Were' Never Works

1) People change over time. Couples who want to go backwards to how they used to be are never satisfied when they actually get there. Because they've changed, their interests have changed. They get excitement out of different things in life. They find that going backwards in a relationship isn't as exciting as they thought it would be

2) People have problems in relationships because of vulnerabilities (weak spots) in the relationship. Over time they come across these vulnerabilities. Going back to their old relationship means going back to a time where these vulnerabilities still exist. That's not a good place for your relationship.

Don't Look Back. Look Forward

Instead of trying to go backwards in your relationship think about moving forward. Identify what caused the
problems in your relationship and work to fix it. This will create a stronger relationship that's focused on the present. It will also help you guys create a stronger, vibrant relationship that fits with your current stage of life. Lastly, it will make sure that your.

Try doing new things in your relationship that you'd like to try. Go to new places to eat, try new hobbies together, etc. This creates a newness in your relationship and helps you get to know each other in new ways. Also, dedicate time to just the two of you. It will be kind of awkward at first since you haven't for a while but after doing it for a short while you'll start feeling comfortable and connected again.

Thanks for being a reader,

Aaron

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The Proposal that Beats All Other Proposals

Men do silly things for women. When a man is twitterpated there's not a lot that he won't do for the sake of love. There a even legends of wars that have started for the sake of a woman. A lot of times, women look at these acts that men do to catch women's attention and laugh because they think it's so silly. Well, there's one woman who isn't going to be laughing at the lengths her man went to just to show her how much he loves her. I saw this clip and had to share it. This is the best wedding proposal ever! Congratulations Matt and Ginny. May you have many long years of your 'marriage that beats the movies'.

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