3 Unintentional things that are hurting your marriage
Are You Doing Any of These Three Things?
3 Ways to Raise a Child With High Self-Esteem
Want Your Child To Have High Self-Esteem? Try These 3 Tips.
These 4 Tips Can Help Make Your Breakup Easier
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: These 4 Tips Can Make it Easier
Why Fighting is Good for Your Marriage
Think Fighting Is Bad For Your Marriage? Think Again.
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But spouses who come to see me for marriage counseling usually don't see their partner's behaviors this way. They've been arguing with their spouse about the same thing for so long, that they believe their spouse has to be doing what they're doing deliberately and maliciously.
It's no wonder then, when spouses harbor bitter feelings towards each other. If you believe your spouse, who is supposed to love, honor and cherish you, is doing things deliberately to hurt you it makes you feel less loved. It makes you feel unimportant and you lose trust in your partner, too. You also worry that you won't be emotionally safe.
So even though behavior may be well meaning, that doesn't mean that it's okay. Well meaning behavior can still hurt. And it can still cause problems in your marriage no matter how well intended it is. And as a marriage counselor, I often see 3 well intended behaviors that hurt marriages. In fact, these three things are so common that most people don't realize they're doing them. Checkout these three well-meaning behaviors that are still hurting your marriage:
3 Unintentional Ways You're Hurting Your Marriage
But even though your children are so important, your spouse is equally important, too. And because your spouse is an adult, you feel they should take care of themselves while you spend the short amount of time you have with your children. But even though this is well meaning it still hurts your marriage. And there's no reason you should have to choose between your children and your marriage. In fact, putting your marriage first gives your children a great example of what a good relationship looks like. This way you'll be setting them up for a great relationship of their own.
2) Hurtful Teasing. Teasing is fun. In fact, it can even be good in your relationship because it's a form of playfulness and flirting. But hurtful teasing, no matter how well-intended, is never good in your relationship.
It's not good because your spouse doesn't know what message to take away from it. Do they believe the playful/flirting part or the hurtful part? Because they don't know which message to take away, they take a little bit of both. And when your spouse takes away a hurtful message from you (even a little bit) they walk away feeling less loved and feel less trust towards you.
So when you tease, make sure your message is unequivocally fun and playful. Keep the hurtful messages out of it.
3) Placating. Nobody likes to fight. It's uncomfortable and it causes hurt feelings. It makes sense, then, that you'd rather avoid a fight if you can. But sometimes in order to avoid a fight, you tell your spouse what you think they want to hear just to get over the discomfort of the current fight you're in. The problem with this is that your mind is more on getting past the fight instead of coming up with a long-term resolution. And, wouldn't you know it, the fight comes up again in the future. Then you're having the exact same fight and the exact same hurt feelings you could have fixed long ago if you would have just hung in there until you found a resolution.
Instead of placating, hang in there. Stand your ground and come up with a solution that fits both your needs.You may have to put up with the temporary discomfort of a fight, but you'll be setting yourself up for long-term success. And you'll be ensuring you don't have to face the same discomfort in the future.
The Power of Repair
Three Things to Help Your Child Develop a High Self-Esteem
Praise Effort. It is exciting when your child is good at something. Excelling in a sport, music, or academics is an achievement to be proud of. Celebrating and praising your child for their innate abilities and skills that they work hard for is important. However, focusing too much on a particular skill or area can increase stress and disappointment if a failure occurs in that area. For example, you daughter can be a baseball star but strike out at her weekend game and still walk away with high self-esteem! Focusing on effort and doing your best possible can help a child to place value on effort rather than skill. This one thing can help your child to see the constant value in himself during both times of success and failure.
Step Back. Let your child try something on his own without your help. An important learning experience for your child can be experiencing both the challenge and the pride of accomplishing a task by herself. Have you ever stood by nervously as your toddler climbed to the top of the steps for the first time? Or waited by patiently as your preschooler tied his shoes for the first time? The look of sheer pride after your child accomplishes these things for the first time can be rewarding in itself for a parent. Feeling the frustration, anxiety, and even sometimes fear, that might accompany these tasks for the first time is part of the process toward your child feeling proud of that accomplishment. Sometimes having you standing on the sidelines is enough.
Being a parent can be hard, overwhelming, and confusing. If your child is struggling with self-esteem, try shifting yourself from a parenting place of doing things “right” to having fun and enjoying time with your child. The changes in your child with this shift might surprise you! If you feel that additional support would be helpful, a family therapist in your area can help provide on-going assessment and support towards a happier and healthier child and family.
Amanda Regalia, M.A. is a marriage and family counselor and clinician for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. Amanda specializes in working with families and children ages 5 and up. She is passionate about helping people to create practical solutions that support them in achieving their goals and improving their relationships and life
Tips to Make Your Breakup go Smoother
Breaking Up Is Always Hard
Most people only know of these two types of divorces. This lack of knowledge often results in failure to explore more suitable options that would help the couple reconcile their differences and go along their separate ways without any undue stress.
There are four distinct types of divorce proceedings recognized by law. This is why it is often best to consult an experienced family law expert. Every couple has their own dynamics of relationship. This dynamics is still there when the differences starts and matters worsen to the stage where the spouses start to contemplate separation and divorce. It is because of this dynamics that every couple requires distinct treatment of their divorce proceedings.
No Contest Divorce
No contest divorce is one of the best case scenarios where the couple decides to end the marriage after a mutually agreement. This agreement specifies the division of property, assets, child custody and division of financial liabilities. This is often the swiftest divorces with a court order arriving within two months of filing the papers.
Contrary to popular perceptions, it is often best to involve an attorney in these divorces. Although the decision to divorce is reached after mutual agreement, it might happen that one of the spouses might give up a right unknowingly.
No Fault Divorce
A no fault divorce does not assign blame to any of the spouses. Rather, it accepts the fact that a couple might not wish to continue marriage because of irreconcilable differences or incompatibility.
This is a radical departure form the previous divorce laws that dictates that there should be valid ‘grounds’ for the divorce. These grounds were often the wrongdoings of one spouse and commonly included infidelity, desertion and mental or physical abuse.
It is now recognized that couples might wish to dissolve the marriage simply because they could not continue to live together. In such cases, a simple no fault divorce is the best option. In many cases, people confuse this type with no contest divorce. However, the two types are governed by very different set of laws and precedents.
A relatively unknown type of divorce is simplified divorce that often happens early in the marriage. In many cases, these divorces happen when the couple discovers early on that they could not possibly continue to live together in future. Simplified divorces, as the name suggests, are among the most simple of the divorce cases, with quick hearing and verdict.
One of the reasons of the quick resolution of these cases, is the fact that they are classified as no contest, no fault divorces. Since there are few assets and liabilities to partition and argue over, the resolution of the marriage is a straightforward matter. The decision is usually handed down in a few weeks of filing the papers.
Despite the name, couples looking for simplified divorce should consult an expert in state family law. This type of divorce is not allowed in several states. Where it is allowed, there are very strict requirements and pre-requisites for the procedure.
Limited divorce is not technically an annulment of the marriage. It is actually similar to legal separation in that the couple s granted sometime to sort their financial issues. The idea is to give the spouses enough time to take care of the issues that would otherwise complicate the divorce proceeding.
Filing for limited divorce means that the couple agrees on the principle of dissolution of marriage. However, the financial and domestic issues prevent them for going for a contested divorce. In such cases, the court might agree to grant some time to come up with a plan of division of assets, liabilities, matters of alimony and child custody.
During the duration of limited divorce, the couple must live separately and must abstain from sexual relations. Once the period is over, the couple, along with concerned attorney must appear before the judge and present the finalized agreement. Divorce proceedings start as per the usual procedure.
In all these types of divorces, it is important to understand that these four types of divorces require supervision and advice of a legal expert. It is very easy to file papers for an uncontested divorce only to discover that the judge has different ideas and the appeal is tossed out.
This is a Guest Post by David Jones; a web content writer, and guest blogger, who offers content writing services to divorce and family law niches.
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1. Divorce and family Law
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I think I get it. When people come to me for counseling, it's usually because they fight a lot. So when I tell them that it's okay to fight - and even that it can be healthy - they wonder why they still feel so rotten. And they also wonder why they're paying me.
But in all my articles that I've written about why fighting can be good in your marriage, I have always accompanied that statement with a caveat that goes something like this: Fighting is only good in your marriage if you make repairs afterwards. Without repairs, the fighting continues and so do all the bad feelings that fighting brings up.
Apology Is the Secret to a Happy Relationship
There is strong research that shows that apology makes the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy one. Famous marriage guru John Gottman found in his 'Love Lab' study that couples who reported being unhappy actually didn't fight any more than couples who reported being happy. The difference was that couples who reported being happy had ways that they repaired the relationship after their fight. And the fact that they repaired after the fight is what made them happier.
"I hate you!" and "I hate you more!" But if you remember the clip, it didn't end with that. They actually ended by making out. That was their repair. If they didn't make that repair, they probably would have continued on fighting and continued in their bad relationship.
Apology is Unique for Every Couple
Some people would look at Sam and Diane's relationship and say it was dysfunctional. After all, they didn't get married in the end like everyone wanted - but they still loved each other. And their relationship worked for them. Similarly, how you repair your relationship is up to you. It can be through an apologetic letter or simply saying "I'm sorry". It can be through gestures instead of words (like bringing home flowers, etc.). It can also be through passionately making out (like Sam and Diane). How you and your partner choose to make up after a fight is up to you. But what's most important is that you do make up and don't let bad feelings fester.
Don't Expect Your Partner To Repair the Same Way You Do
First of all, as humans we have the most advanced brain on the planet. Along with that comes all sorts of advanced emotions. We can't be expected to only show happiness all the time. There are times when we want to be mad. And there are times we should be mad. Like if he arrives late for an important event. Or when she goes out with her friends again even though you can't afford it. Only showing certain emotions restricts ourselves and forces to be someone that we're not.
How You Make Up Is More Important Than How Much You Fight
Lastly, arguing is a form of communicating and couples need to communicate. When couples argue they see 'the real deal'...nothing held back. This is a form of pure communication. While it may not be the most helpful way to communicate, it does help each spouse to see exactly what the other is really feeling. This is really good for the relationship because it gives each spouse an opportunity to reach out to the other one in difficult times and try to make amends or restitution. And when this happens it creates REALLY good relationships.
So even though fighting is unpleasant and nobody likes to do it, it gives couples opportunities to air things out and talk about things that are really bothering them. This is healthy in a relationship. And once a couple airs things out and takes steps to fix whatever was bothering them, then they can be on a path to a deeper and more intimate relationship. And it was all because of a fight.
A lot of the time, moving on without resolving doesn't do any harm to your relationship. Like I said before, for a lot of fights, there really isn't a good resolution so you just apologize and move on. But sometimes the things you're ignoring in your relationship shouldn't be ignored. They're actually bigger signs of deeper problems. And ignoring them just makes them get worse and causes a deeper divide in your relationship. Here are some of the most common red flags in your relationship that you shouldn't ignore:
Red Flags in Your Marriage You Shouldn't Ignore
1) No Sex For a Long Time. Sex is an important part of your relationship. It brings a unique passion and romance into your relationship that can't be replaced in any other way. As such, it's what separates you from being roommates and makes you and your partner lovers. So if sex isn't happening in your relationship, you can't just ignore it. When sex isn't happening, it's a sign that there's something deeper going on that's keeping you two from connecting passionately and intimately.
Solution: Talk with your partner about your sexual relationship. Tell them you've noticed it hasn't happened in a while and that you'd like it to change. Try to get their input about why the think it fizzled and talk together about how to re-ignite your relationship.
2) The Same Arguments Over and Over Again. When couples argue, they're usually able to drop it after a while. They eventually kiss and make up and don't bring it up again. But if you and your partner end up fighting about the same things over and over again without any resolution, that's a big red flag that you can't ignore. Arguments need resolutions in order for you and your partner to feel healed afterwards. And if this isn't happening there isn't any healing. And it's just causing more problems.
Solution: If the same old argument is causing you too much heartache, just learn to let it go. Is it really worth damaging your relationship over and over again? Most people would say no. But if it really is a big deal to you, and you can't just let it go without feeling violated or bulldozed it's time to see a counselor to see if they can help you finally come up with a resolution.
3) Very Little Talking. Communication is key in any relationship. And I don't just mean about the day-to-day stuff. Couples should be talking about how their day went, what goals they're trying to accomplish, what they think about events that are happening around them, etc. If you and your spouse aren't talking much that's a big red flag that you're not connecting and that there's something wrong in your relationship.
Solution: Ask your spouse about more than just how their day went. Ask them about if they heard the news today and what they thought. Tell them what you thought about the news, etc. Try to tune into them and know what happened at work, then followup tomorrow to see if it got any better. As you start paying more attention to your partner, they'll start paying more attention to you and talking will become a lot easier.
Some Red Flags are Hard to See
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