5 Reasons Your Husband Always Wants Sex

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Sexual difficulties are among the most common difficulties in marriages. And if there's one complaint that I get a lot from wives it's that  "My husband always wants sex!". Now, most women will agree that having sex with their husband isn't a bad thing. But their complaint isn't usually just about the fact that their husband wants sex. And it's not even so much that he wants it all the time, either. Most women's complaints are actually about the fact that they need to be ready to have sex at any time or else their husband will get mad and it will start a fight. So a sexual advance from their husband comes with an ultimatum of "do it or else we'll fight".

Underneath it all, though, is usually a big misunderstanding. Husbands really aren't trying to give you an ultimatum to 'have sex or else'. And they're also not trying to just to use you for their own sexual pleasure, either. There are usually a lot of other reasons that they want to have sex with you. And these reasons are usually a lot more kind and sincere than the ones that first come to your head. Here are five:

Five Reasons Your Husband Wants Sex


1) He wants to Connect With You. A lot of times wives think that their husband just wants to have sex with them just so that he can get off. But the truth is, your husband wants to have sex with you in order to connect with you. Sex is a way for him to connect with you in a way that he doesn't connect with anyone else, so it's special to him. And you're that special person that he wants to share that special connection with.

2)  It's What Makes Us a Couple. The difference between being roommates and being married is the sex. Sex is a necessary part in a romantic relationship in order to have an intimate and passionate relationship. Without it, you're just roommates. And nobody wants to be married to just a roommate. Neither does your husband. If you're not having sex, you're just being roommates and he doesn't want that.

3) It's Fun. Sex is a connecting experience. But it's also fun. And not every sexual experience needs to be electrifying and connecting. Sometimes it can just be fun. So instead of watching a movie together or checking updates on Facebook, why not have sex? It's a lot more fun than watching a movie or Facebook, and even fun sex still has some connection.

4) He Wants to Spend Time With You. Sure, you can spend time together cleaning the house, doing dishes, helping him change the oil in the car, etc. But you can spend time like that with anyone - even your neighbors. Because sex is something reserved for just the two of you, it makes that time together special. And it's a LOT more special than just helping him change the oil or doing the dishes together.

5) He Likes to See You Naked. Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where women are very sexualized. It doesn't take long after puberty before some jerk at school objectifies you by staring at your boobs in the school hallway. And you experience this throughout college and even when you're married standing in the grocery line.  As a result, a lot of women are very self-conscious about their body. And when their husband looks at them sexually they can't help but label him along with the all the other jerks who are objectifying them. But the fact is, your husband does like to look at your body. He should. You don't want him to think you're ugly after all. And it's good for your husband to want you for you - body and all.

A lot of women fall into the trap of assuming the worst reasons why their husband would want to have sex with them. After all, you're used to all the jerks objectifying you and using you for eye candy. But knowing these five reasons why your husband wants to have sex can help you have a deeper understanding and a deeper appreciation for what he really wants when he makes a sexual advance. And this understanding can help you to feel more connected AND have better sex - not just for him, but for you, too.

Presence over Presents – Living this December Intentionally without Going Crazy

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December can be an amazing and busy time of year. Filled with fun activities, this time of year can also come with party invitations, special events, and out of the ordinary obligations. Add to that the stress of shopping for the perfect gift, cleaning your house for your in-laws, and coming up with new things for Elf on the Shelf. December can pass filled with fun but when piled on top off of all the usual stuff that life presents, this season can create a lot of stress and a sigh of relief when it’s all over. So how can we live this December with intention - making meaningful memories and minimizing stress?

Many parents recognize the importance of presence over presents but sometimes this knowledge just adds additional stress and soon we are worried about what we are “supposed” to be doing but not! So here are four ways to be present and intentional this year without adding additional stress and making yourself crazy.

 

Presence Over Presents


1. Keep your Usual Routines – What routines does your family usually engage in throughout the year? Do you have dinner together? Do you read together before bedtime? Keeping these routines during a busy time of year can help your family to continue to connect even when things get crazy. Children will appreciate the time together and will benefit from the continued routine and knowing what to expect next.
2. Protect your Family Time – This time of year is filled with obligations and to do lists. Take a few moments this year to carve out some family time each day and put it on the calendar. Identifying a period of time (even if it’s short!) to spend together each day can be grounding and bring you back together. Recognize this as your time to connect with your loved ones and protect your family time together. By scheduling the things that matter the most, you ensure it’s not scheduled over as things comes up.

3. Give to others – Take some time to identify a need in your community and talk to your children about it. Could you pick out a toy together to take to your local homeless shelter? Can you volunteer a few hours at the soup kitchen? Yes, this adds more to your to do list and can even take up a significant amount of time. But serving others together enables your family to return to busy life with renewed perspective and sense of gratitude. Identifying something meaningful for your family can become a meaningful tradition for your children.

4. Involve your Children – As adults, we can sometimes get caught up in all of the activities we have to get done. Could this time be spent being intentional with your children if they’re included? Maybe it’s possible to include them in decorating or cooking in the kitchen this year? Baking, wrapping presents, and other items checked off of your to do list might be some of the moments your kids enjoy most.

In an effort to be the best parents possible, we sometimes strive for perfection. We spend hours planning and scrutinizing small details of our holiday plans. But in reality, it might be the simple things that mean the most. If you look forward to planning extravagant meals and coming up with creative Elf on the Shelf ideas than those should be continued as part of your family’s story. But if you don’t, that’s ok too. In simple ways, we can connect as families and create the best memories.

Amanda Regalia, M.A. is a marriage and family counselor and clinician for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. Amanda specializes in working with families and children ages 5 and up. She is passionate about helping people to create practical solutions that support them in achieving their goals and improving their relationships and life.
 

National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day!

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 Still in denial that ugly Christmas sweaters are back? Well get with it, because they’re here to stay… or at least that’s what the guys at National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day think.

National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day started in 2011 after a group of college friends had been throwing ugly Christmas sweater parties. They loved them so much they decided to devote an entire day to it. Fast forward four years and there’s now millions of participants pulling ugly Christmas sweaters out of old boxes and buying shiny new ones online.

Ugly Christmas sweaters aren’t just ugly this year either. They’re for a good cause. Ugly Christmas sweaters now have a magical power – they can raise money. Save theChildren, Tipsy Elves, and National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day partnered up for a unique campaign, called “Make the World Better with a Sweater.” The campaign asks participants of National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day to wear their sweater this Friday and go online to donate to Save the Children’s charitable initiative – helping children in need.

People are getting involved with Save the Children’s campaign in all kinds of ways. From ugly Christmas sweater parties to DIY crafting kits, the nation is being swept by ugly Christmas sweater fever. If you don’t have one, goonline to buy a sweater or travel to a local thrift shop. Whatever you do this holiday season, remember to let loose and have some fun. The whole point of National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day is to forget about everything else and just enjoy the holidays. Don’t miss out on this fun opportunity.


Replenishing Your Emotional Bank Account

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We all have things in life that are emotionally taxing.  Maybe it’s your job, a relationship with a friend or partner, or that hobby that turned into an obligation.  Whatever it is, your emotional bank account is drained and you are probably hesitant to transfer funds from your savings.  While your account is in the red, you are more than likely exhausted and stressed.  You have probably snapped at the kids, glared at your partner, made a snide remark to a friend, or kicked the dog.  When we are emotionally depleted, while these behaviors are not ideal, they are normal.  The holiday season can put even more pressure on your bank account, figuratively and literally.  However, there are surefire ways to bank some emotionally cash and earn interest well into 2015. 

Communicate


If you find yourself in an emotionally exhausting situation because you’re unhappy with your partner or your job is weighing you down, communicate this.  Others cannot read your mind and may not know you are on the brink of a negative balance.  Instead of continuing down the path headed straight toward Bittertown, let others know in an assertive, objective way how you’re feeling.

Know Your Limits


While you are communicating your feelings, it’s the perfect time to also state your needs and ask for a little help.  You are not perfect and no one is expecting you to be.  By knowing your limits and asking for help, you are establishing healthier boundaries with others because you’re teaching them how to treat you.  Setting boundaries at work and in relationships sets you up for success – if you know your limits and communicate them to others, chances are they will be respected.  So if you find your bank account wavering in red, ask your partner to help meet an emotional need or see if a boss will allow you to take a mental health day. 

Engage in a Little Self-Care


The first two suggestions will keep you from tipping into a negative balance, but engaging in a little self-care will help you start raking in the emotional dough.  Take some time for yourself and do something you really enjoy.  Maybe it’s a long hike, enjoying a meal at your favorite restaurant, or meeting up with friends for a few hours.  Taking a few minutes everyday to care for yourself and meet your needs not only recharges your body and overall mood, it’s also is one of the easiest ways to make a deposit to your emotional bank account. 

Pay it Forward


While you are taking a little time for yourself, maybe you can take some time to pay it forward by doing something nice for someone else.   Maybe you buy the next person’s coffee in the Starbuck’s drive thru, throw a few extra dollars into the red Salvation Army buckets, or help someone carry their groceries to their car.  No matter how big or small, the Dalai Lama has said, “if what you do is good for others, it’ll be good for you too.”  With the holiday season in full swing, maybe part of your self-care is selflessly volunteering at a soup kitchen or an animal shelter.  Taking time to emotionally de-stress by doing something good for others can fill up your cup and your emotional bank account.

Move On


If you have tried these techniques and are not feeling emotionally revived, it may be time to consider moving on.  Frankly, there are jobs and relationships where the costs will always outweigh the benefits.  In those situations, try to consider what is best for you.  If your emotional needs are not being met and you find that at work or in the presence of a specific person, your emotional bank account takes a big hit, it may be best to cut your losses. While this is not always easy, it might be the only way to stop others from making emotional withdraws. 

Remember when your emotional bank account is depleted, you are not at your best.  To maintain your own emotional well-being, trying setting limits and communicating your needs.  In the meantime, you can always engage in a little self-care or fun game of paying it forward in order to pull you out of the red and make it through the day. 


Lori Dougherty is a Marriage and Family Counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. As a marriage and family counselor, she helps couples navigate the many difficulties that arise in their relationship. She also helps couples rebuild happiness together so they can have the fulfilling relationship with their partner they've always wanted. 


He Said/She Said: Chatting Isn't Cheating...Or is it?

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Dear Aaron & Rachel,

I’ve been married 20 years and we have two children together. A few months ago, I found out my wife has been chatting with other guys on Facebook messenger. Some of them are longtime friends and others she just recently met on Facebook. They use words like “my love”, “honey”, etc. I talked to her about it when I first found out, but she said there’s nothing wrong because she doesn’t say these sweet things back; so she refused to stop talking to them.

Then a month ago I found out she was also on Meetme. She has been talking to several guys and talks with them pretty regularly (at least once a week). After my strong complaints she stopped chatting on Meetme but she’s still chatting on Facebook and still says nothing is wrong. Is there something wrong with her chatting online with other guys or am I taking crazy pills?

Sincerely,

Going Crazy


She Said 



First off, don't worry: You aren't crazy. Social media is negatively impacting many modern day relationships and marriages. If your wife continues to seek attention from other men despite your discomfort with it, your relationship can really suffer.

Do you know why she feels the need to communicate with them? Is there something missing from your relationship that she's getting in this communication with others? You definitely should have a heart to heart about this. Don't be concerned about what other people think about this. Every couple has to make up their own rules and figure out the boundaries they are comfortable with. What works for one couple may not work for the rest.

The point is: If this is a problem for you, it's a problem for the relationship. Your wife should not want to hurt you.

He Said 


Infidelity is one of the oldest sins. And with modern technology, many people are finding new ways to do it. Sure, internet chatting isn't physical cheating but in my experience as a counselor, it has many of the same effects and is often just as damaging to a relationship. Ultimately, it's a sign of wavering commitment to your partner - the same as infidelity. 

With infidelity, it often starts with a few kind words, then some false flirting then touching and it just grows more and more from there to a full physical affair. The same behavior occurs online. It starts with "just chatting" then it becomes flirtatious and then meeting up, etc. If your wife is chatting, using flirtatious words and going on to sites like Meetme (which is for the main reason of meeting people), your wife is following a predictable pattern of infidelity and is very close to a dangerous ledge. Continue to ask her to stop and if her behavior begins to venture back on to meetup sites, then you need to have a frank discussion and even an intervention.  


About Rachel:  Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com

About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.

Mental Health and Your Child- Part 4: The Parent/Therapist Partnership

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Making the decision to seek counseling for your child can be overwhelming. In part 1 of this series, we talked about how and where to find a good therapist and in part 2 we covered finding a good fit for you, your child, and your family. And in our most recent section we covered the importance of a diagnosis. Congratulations on working through the “what ifs” and the sometimes challenging task of finding a therapist who is a good fit. You are now well informed of your choices moving forward and might even be anxiously waiting to get started. What can you expect now? In a previous article, you can read about how to talk to your child about what to expect during that first session and what you can do to prepare. Equally important to these topics is your role as a parent and the success that partnering with your child’s therapist can bring. 
 

Partner with Your Therapist

Creating a positive partnership with your therapist can mean the difference between finding counseling to be a helpful, transforming experience, and something you wish you’d never started.  Partnering with your family therapist not only ensures that you feel confident and informed throughout the counseling process but also models a positive partnership for your child. Showing your child that your new family therapist can be trusted to be helpful can play an important role in your child’s buy-in to the process.

Maintain Open Communication

When creating a working relationship with your therapist maintaining open communication is critical. Always feel free to ask questions! Never feel like your question is unimportant. Answering those questions helps build your relationship with your therapist and shows your genuine commitment to counseling success.

Maintaining open communication might also include talking
about limitations to therapy. Sometimes you might be facing circumstances that are tough to talk about such as financial changes that make it difficult to continue with your appointments. It is especially important to be open about these issues as they might impact your ability to attend counseling as planned. Being open and honest about these issues can help your therapist partner with you to ensure that the plan is modified to best suit your child’s and family’s needs.

Consistency is Key

Consistency can be crucial when getting started in therapy, especially when your child is included. Consistency can help establish the relationship between your family and the therapist and allow trust to develop. If consistent appointments are made and kept, your child will come to expect when your visits are and might even come to look forward to them.


Take a minute to acknowledge all of the work you have done so far. Finding a therapist who is a good fit will pay off in your child’s and family’s counseling success and knowing everything you can about questions to ask, what a diagnosis means, and what to expect, will help in that process. Forming a positive partnership with your therapist will get your family off to a great start and help ensure your success in your counseling journey. Congratulations on continuing these steps toward making positive changes!




Amanda Regalia, M.A. is a marriage and family counselor and clinician for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. Amanda specializes in working with families and children ages 5 and up. She is passionate about helping people to create practical solutions that support them in achieving their goals and improving their relationships and life.


 
 

Play Nice: Tips for Getting Along With Family During The Holidays

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As the saying goes “you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.”  Whether you moved across the country to avoid your overbearing parents or live in the same town as family but make a conscious effort to avoid that one uncle you just cannot stomach, the holidays are those few times when you’re expected to slap on a smile and maintain the peace.   While you’re not alone in this issue, playing nice during the holidays – a time of joy, happiness, and getting along – isn’t necessarily the easiest.  However, there are solid ways to maintain your sanity for the next five weeks.

Tips For Getting Along With All Your Family During the Holidays


1) Think Something Nice, or Don’t Think Anything at All. Before visiting the in-laws or joining your family for dinner, think of at least one nice thing about the person to help you be a little more compassionate.  Remember, not everyone is completely terrible.  Maybe your over-involved mother-in-law rubs you the wrong way but she’s an amazing grandmother.  Or your immature brother is always cracking jokes at your expense but was the first to text your on your birthday.  Whoever it may be, find one redeeming quality.  If you’re having difficultly coming up with something before you walk in the door, maybe it’s as simple as liking your dad’s tie or your sister-in-law’s new necklace.

2) Watch Your Reactions. Although you may be able to hold your tongue, your nonverbal behaviors can reveal more than any words.  If your brother’s girlfriend says something that you disagree with, control the eye roll.  Even if your mother is commenting again about you working too much, try not to shoot her a laser beam glare or dumbfounded look you’re known for.  Just like holding your tongue can maintain the peace, being aware of your reactions can stop a potential argument dead in its tracks.

3) Smile and Bite Your Tongue. When you’re with your family, breathe before you speak.  Taking a deep breath will help you decide if you really want to utter the thought that just popped into your head.  If what was said was minor, just smile and bite your tongue.  Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, maybe you cannot fully understand why you’re your aunt is criticizing your haircut, but putting things into perspective will help you not snap back with a comment about her weight gain.

4) Take A Time Out and De-stress. If it’s getting to the point where it’s all too much to handle, excuse yourself.  Take a walk around the block or read a chapter of your book away from the family.  Caring for yourself will reduce your level of stress, allowing you to continuing being more aware of your reactions and negative comebacks.

5) Set Boundaries. While some things are minor, there are family issues and secrets that are unforgivable.  If this is the case for you, smiling and watching what you say may not be enough.  Being around that certain family member may trigger feelings you try all year to push down and, in his or her presence, you find you are unable to control what you say.  In this situation, set boundaries with your family.  Arrive early and leave before that member is expected to arrive.  Explain to your family that you are uncomfortable and have made the choice to avoid drama.

However, if you think you can maintain your composure while in the presence of that family member, try setting boundaries with him or her.  Let your relative know that certain topics are not up for discussion.  Keep yourself protected and maintain your distance, sit at the other end of the table and mingle with other relatives to avoid being alone with him or her.

Even as an Adult Playing Nice is Difficult


Getting along with family members isn’t always easy.  Yes, even as an adult!  However, going into your family dinner or weekend vacation with a more positive attitude can help you maintain your mental well-being.  Start reducing your level of stress now by reminding yourself it’s only a couple of hours or the weekend.


Lori Dougherty is a Marriage and Family Counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. As a marriage and family counselor, she helps couples navigate the many difficulties that arise in their relationship. She also helps couples rebuild happiness together so they can have the fulfilling relationship with their partner they've always wanted. 

Mental Health and Your Child - Part 3: Does My Child Need a Diagnosis?

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Making the decision to take your child to counseling can be overwhelming. In part 1 of this series, we talked about how and where to find a good therapist and in part 2 we covered finding a good fit for you, your child, and your family. As you continue down the path of seeking support for your family, something else that might come up is the idea of a mental health diagnosis. Today we will break down exactly what that is, why it can be important, and what it means.

So what is a mental health diagnosis anyways?


“Mental health diagnosis” can be three very scary words as you are entering counseling and considering services for your child and your family. When thinking about these words we sometimes think about the most serious diagnoses and how popular media presents “crazy”. However, in reality, a mental health diagnosis simply means that there is a challenge with coping with the demands of life. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) describes mental illness as something “that disrupts a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning”. A mental health diagnosis is simply something that names that illness.

Does my child need a diagnosis?


A mental health diagnosis is not always necessary. You can seek help for your child and participate in counseling very productively without ever giving a name to the symptoms that you are seeking help for. However, naming those symptoms can sometimes be therapeutic in itself and be beneficial in creating the most effective treatment plan for your child and family. In addition, there are certain circumstances that necessitate a mental health diagnosis.

Some pros to having a diagnosis:

- Having a mental health diagnosis can sometimes provide better access to services. For example, a child diagnosed on the autism spectrum might have access to behavior therapy through the public school district.

- A mental health diagnosis is required to seek counseling through your insurance provider or EAP. Insurance benefits can be very helpful in making mental health services accessible and affordable. However, it is important for you to know that a diagnosis will be required in order for them to cover your child’s treatment and this is something that will always be on your child’s health record.

- A mental health diagnosis can be beneficial in creating the most effective treatment plan possible. For example, if medication could be beneficial in your child’s treatment, a diagnosis might be used to name the challenges and provide a way for your therapists and doctors to work together.

A mental health diagnosis can be essential to successful treatment but is not always necessary or beneficial for your child and your family. As a therapist I work with many families without ever naming a mental health diagnosis. When starting work with a new counselor, asking questions about his or her use of a mental health diagnosis for your child will help ensure you’re on the same page. Finding a therapist who is a good fit will pay off in your child’s and family’s counseling success and knowing everything you can about questions to ask, what a diagnosis means, and what to expect, will help in that process. Congratulations on continuing these steps toward making positive changes!

Amanda Regalia, M.A. is a marriage and family counselor and clinician for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. Amanda specializes in working with families and children ages 5 and up. She is passionate about helping people to create practical solutions that support them in achieving their goals and improving their relationships and life


 
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