The Art of Communication: 4 Tips for Effective Communication

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 One of the most common phrases a marriage counselor hears from clients is a version of “we have problems communicating.”  While we all know how to communicate, you and your partner may have different styles of communication, causing a breakdown in your relationship.

For example, you may want to immediately resolve an issue while your partner needs a day or two to mull it over before discussing the problem at hand.  Or you may flee the moment your partner confronts you, leading him or her to follow you around trying to talk about it.  Overall, these differing patterns can lead to unresolved issues and destroy your relationship.  However, with a little flexibility and some work on both your parts, you and your partner can establish healthier communication patterns, which will positively impact your relationship.

4 Tips of Effective Communication


1. Regulate Your Emotions & Just Breathe.  In his book The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are, Daniel Siegel introduced readers to the concept of the window of tolerance, suggesting arousal impacts an individual’s ability to function.  When you are in a high or low state of arousal, you are not yourself.  You may say things you don't mean to say or act out of the norm.  However, to self-soothe and start regulating your emotions, you can simply breathe.  Yes, you can change your state of arousal and mind by using your breath!  So when you start feeling that anxiety or anger rising, take a few deep, controlled breaths.

2. Don’t Hold Your Tongue . This is not the time to ignore or bury your feelings.  However, if what you’re about to say will be damaging, reconsider sharing that nasty thought that just skated through your head.  Using “I” statements, communicate your feelings in a nonthreatening manner.  Watch your tone of voice and calmly share what’s on your mind.  It’s okay to communicate your feelings, but remember you are responsible for your own feelings and behaviors so cut out the undertones of blame.

Also, while you’re at it, using absolute phrases like “you always” and “you never” is one of the least productive ways to communicate.  Think about it, how likely are you to shutdown in the middle of a conversation when you’re feeling blamed?  If you do it, it’s likely that your partner may react in the same way.  Your goal is to communicate your message, if your partner checks out of the conversation, the chances of him or her hearing what you had to say are slim to none.

3. Practice Active Listening.  Most of us hear what our partner is saying without actually listening.  If you are constructing your rebuttal as your partner is talking, you are not listening.  If you’re interrupting your partner, you’re not listening.  When you listen – I mean really listen – you are able to reflect back what you heard and ask clarifying questions.  If you find that you are often frustrated with you partner or only hear blame; you may not actually be listening.  More than likely your perspective has kicked in and you’re only hearing what you want to hear, not what is actually being said.  When your partner is finished speaking, reflect what you heard and ask questions to clarify any misunderstanding.

4. Set a Time Limit. Being 100% present in a conversation isn’t a skill that is developed overnight.  Take it from a counselor, it takes work and years of practice to cultivate this skill.  So, give your partner and yourself a little break.  Instead of talking for 30-minutes straight, shorten your talking time.  The less information you share, the greater the chance it will be heard accurately.  If you are communicating something important to your partner, try to keep it under five minutes.  You and your partner can take turns in 5-minute increments, building in time for reflection and clarifying questions.

Overall, whether you shut down when confronted, attack your partner’s character, insult him or her, or play the victim card, altering your communication pattern can have a positive impact on your relationship.  So, channel your inner Buddha with a few deep breaths and express your feelings, wants, and needs without blaming your partner.  Your new ability to compassionately communicate within a structured timeframe can enhance your conversations, potentially helping you resolve the issue.  However, remember to actively listen and show your partner the same respect you were shown.


Lori Dougherty is a Marriage and Family Counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. As a marriage and family counselor, she helps couples navigate the many difficulties that arise in their relationship. She also helps couples rebuild happiness together so they can have the fulfilling relationship with their partner they've always wanted.

Reasons Why Being Married to a Therapist is Awesome

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Recently someone mentioned to me it must be hard to date as a therapist. I kindly grinned and said something along the lines of "it takes a special person to date a mental health professional". However, this statement got me thinking…why wouldn’t someone want to be with a therapist?

Sure, there's a lot of worry that you'll always be analyzed, but let me let you in on a little secret: therapists are not analyzing, reading your mind, or diagnosing you every day, once in a while, or even ever for that matter.  The last thing most therapists want to do in their personal life is work. We spend all day assessing, diagnosing, talking people down from the edge, and facing one crisis after another – we really have no desire to drag that into an intimate relationship.

With that out of the way, now, there are some really great reasons that someone would want to date and marry a therapist. Here are four:

Why it's Awesome to Date/Marry a Therapist


1. They're Relational. Relational is one word regularly used to describe therapists and how they interact in their personal relationships. Therapists express kindness, openness, patience, and the ability to listen and be heard by those they are close to. Therapists also tend to have meaningful close relationships where they feel supported. Marriage and family therapists tend to create closer bonds and intimacy with their partners. Therapists generally have this ability to relate – not because they have been in similar circumstances. Rather, they have the ability to look objectively at a situation or circumstance and understand where one is at.

2. They're Self-Aware. Therapists have spent thousands of dollars on classes and text books directly challenging every ounce of their identity and who they are. If I had a dime for every self-awareness journal, project, paper, and yada yada yada…I would retire! We know what we like, don’t like, what we need, and what will send us in a fit of rage. Wait…therapists don’t rage! Therapists know when they need to care for themselves and when recharges their battery in life.  They know how to take responsibility for themselves without making it the responsibility of their partners.

3. They're Sexual. Within the context of training to be a well-adapted therapist, most have had to
take one or multiple classes related to sexuality. Now, these classes are not your typical ‘birds and the bee’s’ sex ed. These classes are designed to fling open the doors of sex into biological, physical, visual, fantasy, X-rated, fetish, and so much more. Sex classes build on the therapist’s self-awareness and their own desire and intimacy. Usually sexual topics can be uncomfortable, stigmatized, or private, but a therapist accepts these topics with openness and curiosity. Thus, spicing up the bedroom, kitchen, or parking lot on a rainy evening is rarely challenging. Therapists know how to create an atmosphere of safety…which promotes sexuality and sexual expression.

4. They're Looking For Fun. Sitting in an office for hours on end listening, remaining stoically objective (said with a hint of sarcasm), typing on a computer and completing administrative tasks lead to a burning desire for adventure. Each therapist, not only in my personal circle, but also of those interviewed have hobbies and a social life riddled with laughter, fun and excitement. For example, road biking across the state of Colorado and camping under the stars with a group of friends; compete on a roller derby team; hiked most of Colorado’s 14 thousand foot peaks; compete in horsemanship; travel the world (well…several parts of it); brew beer; dominate at trivia night; and more. However, this does not mean there are no dull moments. Therapists are fully aware of how to balance between down time and fun time.

For those who have been skeptic about the dating life of someone in the mental health sciences, I hope you have a new perspective.


Tristan Beymer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and marriage and family counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. She specializes in helping couples rebuild their relationship to be strong, healthy and passionate. She also works with individuals to overcome difficulties related to trauma and addictions. 

New Year, New You: Tips for Sticking to Your New Year’s Resolution

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A new year, a new you, right?  Or like others, have you already forgotten about your New Year’s resolutions?  If you're having a hard time sticking to your goals, you may be looking at them too broadly. With some of the most popular resolutions being to lose weight, quit smoking, get fit, eat healthier, manage your stress or debt, or drink less, it no wonder these vague goals are not met.  In fact, only 9% of the individuals who actually set a New Year’s resolution will be successful.  If you are finding yourself dipping your toe into that pool of unsuccessfulness, read on for ways to succeed at keeping your new year’s resolution and the commitment you made to yourself.

Choose a Single Priority


Instead of choosing a number of goals you would like to accomplish in 2015, choose just one to start.  If you want to lose weight, get fit, and eat healthier, while these go hand-in-hand, starting with one will help you more successfully reach your goal.  Don’t shock your system by forcing yourself to jump on the treadmill for a 3-mile run at the gym AND cut out chocolate!  Choose the goal you think is the most important to start with and turn it into a habit.  When it becomes second nature, you are ready to introduce your next goal.

Start Small


If your goal is to eat healthy, try to start introducing healthier foods into your diet.  Throwing out all the food in your cupboard and not allowing yourself to indulge is the quickest way to set yourself up for failure.  When you slowly start to introduce a new habit, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming and, therefore, seems more doable.  So instead of jumping off your couch and heading to the gym for a couple of hours, start with a 30-minute walk and work your way up to a jog.

Think SMART


Now that you have a single goal and are ready to start small, it’s time to think SMART.  SMART goals involve figuring out what you need to do to get where you want to go.  Once you have a goal in mind, turn your attention to developing action steps that will enable you to successfully complete your main objective.

S: Be Specific. Saying you want to lose weight, managing your stress, or drinking less is pretty broad.  When your goal lacks necessary detail, you are likely to not accomplish it.  What does losing weight and drinking less actually mean to you?  Do you want to lose 10 pounds or only have one glass a red wine with dinner?  Get specific by figuring out all the details.

M: Make it Measurable.  To best manage your goals, make them measurable.  Instead of declaring that you want to get fit, include a deadline.  You can measure whether or not you are able to run 6 miles by the end of the summer, but you cannot measure “getting fit.”

A: Is it Achievable?  Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting unattainable goals.  Women and men on magazine covers are photoshopped so you will never look like Cameron Diaz, Taylor Swift, or Channing Tatum but you can become a healthier version of yourself.  If your goal isn’t focused on losing weight but you smoke 2 packs a day and are thinking about quitting cold turkey, it may be best to slowly start reducing your nicotine intake; try starting with only smoking a pack and half.

R: Realistic.  Achievable and realistic goals cannot be teased apart.  Make sure you goal is realistic for you.  It’s important to be honest with yourself when setting a goal.  If you haven’t ran in years, it’s not likely you will be running the Colfax Marathon this coming spring.

T: Timely.  What’s your deadline?  Setting a deadline will give you structure and the motivation to get started, while also helping you monitor your progress.  Again be realistic about your deadline so you aren’t setting yourself up to fail.  Hey, maybe you will be able to run a marathon in 2016.

You’ve already taken the first step to improving yourself by simply setting your goal.  Now, to stick with it, remember to start small with a single goal.  When you have your goal in mind, make it SMART.  Developing specific, measurable goals with a deadline gives you more motivation to achieve the commitment you made to become the best version of you in 2015.


Lori Dougherty is a Marriage and Family Counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. As a marriage and family counselor, she helps couples navigate the many difficulties that arise in their relationship. She also helps couples rebuild happiness together so they can have the fulfilling relationship with their partner they've always wanted.

He Said/She Said: Sex After an Affair

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Dear Aaron & Rachel,

I hope you don’t mind, this one’s pretty complicated. My wife and I have been together for seven years. But throughout the seven years our sex life has never been great. I’ve always wanted more but she’s never wanted it as much as I have. I’ve been pretty respectful of that and haven’t really pushed it.

Recently, though, I found out that she’s been having an affair for the last 8 months. At first I wasn’t too upset because when she came clean, she told me it was just chatting and going to lunch, etc. I was pretty hurt but since it wasn’t sexual I didn’t flip out about it. I assumed that a lot of people get into flirtatious relationships but they shut it down before it gets sexual.

Anyway, as I started asking more questions, I realized she wasn’t telling me the whole truth. So I looked at her text records, bank records, etc. and I found several nude picture messages back and forth that she was still saving. There were also bills for drinks at hotels where they obviously spent the night together. She even went on a weekend vacation with him and there were bills for porn that they watched together. Come to find out the affair was very sexual! In fact, it was more sexual than with me. She’s never sent me nude pictures (even though I’ve asked). She won’t watch porn with me, and one time when we talked (yelled is more like it) she told me positions she did with him that she won’t try with me. We’ve tried having sex after she told me this but I just can’t get it out of my head and sometimes I can’t even climax.

My mind is spinning. I still want to fix our relationship but will our sex life ever get better or will I always think about her doing those things with the other guy that she won’t try with me? I’d like to have more sex but is it unrealistic to expect our relationship to become more sexual after the affair?

Sincerely,

More-than-complicated





She Said 


Dear Mr. More Than Complicated,

Sorry to hear that your sex life hasn't been great and that things have really taken a turn for the worst after this affair. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you as a man. You've been wanting a better sexual relationship with your wife and someone else is getting to have what you should be having.

The good news is you want to fix your relationship, and I am assuming your wife does as well, because you haven't stated otherwise. If you are both invested in improving the dynamic inside and outside the bedroom, there is hope. I believe this will be too hard to tackle on your own and that one or ideally both of you will go to therapy.

If I was your therapist, I would be curious as to why your wife will do these things with another man and not with you. I am willing to bet her reason may have more to do with her own issues and views around sex and marriage than it does about anything with you. For instance, maybe she thinks something like watching porn is "dirty" and has no place in a relationship between husband and wife. She may have a desire to do things sexually with someone she is not married to because of limited views on marriage and sexuality. If you understood and believed this to be true, perhaps you would not take this all as personally, because she would do the same with any guy she was married to. Understanding such and not letting it affect your sex life is easier said than done. I think the two of you really need to have a heart to heart and try to get to the bottom of what is going on with both of you. If you both feel you can tackle these issues yourselves and move forward, great. If not, definitely consider marriage and/or sex therapy. Good luck!

He Said


This is a tough one. But if it's any consolation, you're experience is not unique by any means. A lot of couples who come to see me after an affair have a hard time in the bedroom afterwards. But the ones who are willing to do the work are able to repair their relationship AND the bedroom. So yes, it IS realistic to expect your relationship to become more sexual after an affair.

In a way, an affair is like a canary in a coal mine. The affair is the sign that something is going wrong in the relationship (obviously). The work for you two to do is to figure out what was going on in the relationship that made it vulnerable to an affair. Then as you work to make repairs, you fix the vulnerabilities that existed before. This makes the relationship stronger than before because the vulnerabilities are no longer there. And you two will feel warmer and more connected than ever.

I won't lie, this is hard work. There can be hundreds of reasons for a vulnerability in you relationship which lead to an affair. It can range anywhere from limited views of sex within marriage (as Rachel said) to past relationship trauma to something seemingly unrelated from the past. Because there can be so many different things, I strongly suggest you two go see a counselor. They can help you get to the bottom of things, sort things out and create a healthier, more passionate relationship than ever before.


About Rachel:  Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, and Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com

About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.

Family Resolutions to Make This Your Best Year

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January can be a time to reflect on your life and find ways to make new beginnings. While many New Year’s resolutions are focused on improving as an individual, this can also be a great time to involve your children in being intentional about reflection and positive changes. Involving your kids in making New Year’s Resolutions can be a fun family activity that you can include in your January activities. Creating some intentions together can also be a great way to connect with each other and make practical steps toward improving family relationships this year. Here are four family resolutions to make this your best year yet together:

Resolutions for Your Best Year

1. Take Ten. In our busy lives it can be difficult to find spare time and dedicate it to each other. Especially with families, combining work, school, sports, and activities schedule, can leave little time left to “just talk”. Taking just ten minutes out of your day to ask about each other can make a big difference. If it’s hard to figure out where to start try sharing high and low points of the day or try some of these conversations starters. Focusing this time on each other can be a powerful way to show that you are invested in each other.  

2. Have a Meal Together. Finding time to have a meal together can be a great way to re-center and focus on each other. Does your family like to cook? Planning and cooking together can be fun and create a new memory together. But even if the meal is take-out, sitting down together and eating can be a time to share stories with each other and be intentional about building your family relationships.

3. Create a Family Ritual. Is there something that you enjoy together and look forward to as a family? This is a great time to create a new family ritual that you all enjoy each week. Maybe it’s cooking together or baking cookies every Sunday. Other families might enjoy a family board game night or a weekly hike. If it’s difficult to pick just one, a family date day can be a great way to set aside time for each other and the activity can be different each week.

4. Set a Family Goal. Is there something that you can work on together as a family? Creating a goal together to improve something can help build your family connectedness and unity as you work together towards something. Maybe it is a health oriented goal such as cooking more healthy meals or getting more sleep this year. Other family goals that you can work towards together might include saving money or getting household chores done. Involving the entire family in a goal can help hold everyone accountable and be rewarding when you are successful together.

Setting New Year’s Resolutions is a tradition that many people enjoy. Beginning this tradition with your kids and creating some new goals and intentions as a family can be a fun way to kick of the New Year!








 Amanda Regalia, M.A. is a marriage and family counselor and clinician for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. Amanda specializes in working with families and children ages 5 and up. She is passionate about helping people to create practical solutions that support them in achieving their goals and improving their relationships and life.

Is My Husband a Sex Addict?

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As a wife, you hear your husband complain about wanting more sex and it drives you nuts. After all, you're already having plenty of sex - even when you don't necessarily want to. Plus, you know he looks at porn and masturbates in between. How on earth can he still want more sex?

To top it all off, there are sometimes when you feel like he's not making love to you at all. He just wants to have sex and it doesn't seem to you that he cares who it's with. As often as he wants sex, there has to be something wrong with him. Not to mention the porn and the masturbating. You've heard of a sex addict before, and you wonder if he would count as a sex addict or not.

Is Your Husband a Sex Addict? 


Sexual addiction is tricky. First of all, there's no real diagnosis of sexual addiction. When people talk about sexual addiction, they usually refer to a series of sexual behaviors that are harmful to the individual and to an individual's relationships.

The biggest problem is that defining healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviors is hard to do. It's hard because while some people participate in behaviors that are harmful to the relationship (e.g an affair) it doesn't mean they're an addict. While these behaviors are damaging, it's not as severe as, say, criminal sexual activity. Additionally, while some sexual behaviors cause no problems for some couples (e.g. non-monogamy, bondage, etc.) it can cause lots of damage for others. It's hard to draw a hard and fast line about what is "good" and "bad" behaviors when it comes to sex.

So while scientists are still trying to workout what is normal and abnormal sexual behavior there are still some guidelines that can help if you're worried your husband's sexual behaviors have gone too far. Some sexual behavior, while still possibly harmful, is not as severe as others. And below is a list of severe behavior that you should be worried about and less-severe behavior that, while still possibly harmful, is not as worrying.

Less-severe behavior:


  • Viewing pornography. Viewing pornography isn't exactly healthy for a relationship but it still happens. Millions of men view pornography but that doesn't mean they're all addicts. In fact, the vast majority of men who view pornography are average, productive members of society,

  • Chatting/ Flirting. Chatting and flirting with others has caused many a fight over the years. And with the invention of the internet, it has created another way for men (and women) to chat and flirt with others. While this behavior is damaging to relationships it does not necessarily mean your husband is a sex addict. 

  • Masturbating regularly. Masturbation is often accepted as normal. If your husband masturbates, that doesn't mean he's a sex addict. 

  • Experimental sex. With the accessibility of adult toy stores, online stores, pornography, erotica, etc. it's no wonder that you husband may come to you with new sexual ideas. This doesn't mean he's an addict. In fact, adding variety to your sex life can create some flare and even excitement.


Severe behavior


  • Compulsory masturbating. Frequently masturbating to the point of causing sores, or taking inordinate amounts of time during the day. 

  • Meeting other women. "Just flirting" crosses a line when your husband meets up with other women. There's only one reason to meetup with a woman. If this happens once it's called an affair. If it happens several times there are bigger problems. 

  • Frequent and random casual sexual encounters. In a world of STD's everybody knows that random sexual encounters are dangerous. Most people have the self-control to not participate in these because of the risks that are involved. However, if your husband is overlooking the risks in favor of sexual pleasure, this could be a sign that he doesn't have control of his sexual desire and he needs help. 

  • Illegal behavior.  If your husband is breaking laws (e.g. exposing himself in public) in order to satisfy his sexual desires, this is a big sign that his sexual boundaries are out of alignment and need to be readjusted.

  • Doesn't stop despite repeated requests/promises. If your husband continues to participate in certain sexual behaviors after you have requested him to stop, that's a big sign that he may have a problem. Also, if he promises you he'll stop that usually means he recognizes it's a problem, too. But if he doesn't stop it usually means that there's something compelling him not to and it needs to be addressed. 

While these bullets are not definitive by any means, they help you to understand what are some extreme behaviors and what are not. If you're worried about your husband the best thing you can do is have a frank talk about any behaviors you're worried about. Don't be judgmental and hear each other out. If your concerns persist or if you feel that you're concerns are not being addressed the best thing to do is talk to a qualified counselor to help you both explore the behaviors and any solutions



All I Want for Christmas is a Relationship

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Oh, the holidays.  It’s that time of year when cards featuring children on Santa’s lap flood your mailbox and social media feeds, everyone is expected to be cheerful, and togetherness is the theme of the season.  Only, if you’re single and all you want for Christmas is a partner, this can make you cringe.  For some reason, the holidays, a time of love and connection, can make you feel not just alone, but lonely.  Fret not, if you’re being asked you why you’re still single, sleeping on the couch because you’re the only single sibling home for the holidays, or your mother is trying to set you up with a man wearing a reindeer sweater over a turkey curry buffet, there are ways to cope with your singlehood.  

Take Notes from Bridget, just Bridget 


Bridget is the single gal who was cut from her family’s holiday cards because she was the only unwed sibling.  In possible retaliation, she designed her own cards, which have swept through the media.  So, if you find yourself single this holiday season, take Bridget’s underlying advice, and make light of it.  Yeah, being single is sometimes dreadful, but it isn’t horrible all the time.  While it isn’t always easy to laugh it off as you watch your friends, siblings, and cousins couple up, try to tell yourself that your day will come.  You will find someone who appreciates you and your qualities, even if you are a “verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother.”  Even with these qualities, Mark Darcy fell hard for his Bridget, just the way she was.  

Create your own Cheer


If your merriment is fulfilled externally, find a way to fill up your own.  If you aren’t feeling the joy, make a list of things you can do for yourself.  Maybe you are your own Santa and buy yourself a gift you have been wanting.  Maybe you skip out on spending the day with your family and do something you really enjoying like skiing, snowboarding, or snowshoeing.  Instead of sulking as your sister opens the gift from her husband, change your attitude by doing something nice for yourself.

Add a Little Twinkle Your Home and Your Day 


Remember, you are the only one who can make yourself happy, so if you aren’t feeling merry and bright, do something fun.  Decorate your house, accept an invitation to a party or plan your own, bake cookies for your neighbors, or be spontaneous and create your own holiday tradition like dressing your dogs up in costumes and watching Christmas classics.  Doing something new and different around the holidays will add a little extra excitement to the season, and it’s hard to be a Grinch and steal Christmas cheer from others when you’re having fun.  

Connect with your Wise (Wo)Men 


Chances are, you know at least one other single person who knows what you’re going through.  When you’re feeling that green-eyed monster creeping in because you’ve compared yourself to an old high school friend who is married for the second time and you’re still single, lean on friends and family who will support you.  It’s okay to admit that you’re upset about not being happily paired offed and it’s normal to feel a little jealously, but if it’s consuming you, it’s time to log off Facebook and talk to someone about your feelings.

Remember, the most wonderful time of the year shouldn’t make you feel like a spinster or crazy cat person, but if that’s how you’re feeling, it’s time to change your attitude and make light of the situation.  Do something nice for yourself to add a little holiday cheer to your day.  If you find yourself sitting alone moping, call a friend and go for coffee or hit the skating rink.  Who knows, you might just create your own tradition that makes this time of year feel a little more bearable.  


Lori Dougherty is a Marriage and Family Counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. As a marriage and family counselor, she helps couples navigate the many difficulties that arise in their relationship. She also helps couples rebuild happiness together so they can have the fulfilling relationship with their partner they've always wanted.



5 Reasons Your Husband Always Wants Sex

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Sexual difficulties are among the most common difficulties in marriages. And if there's one complaint that I get a lot from wives it's that  "My husband always wants sex!". Now, most women will agree that having sex with their husband isn't a bad thing. But their complaint isn't usually just about the fact that their husband wants sex. And it's not even so much that he wants it all the time, either. Most women's complaints are actually about the fact that they need to be ready to have sex at any time or else their husband will get mad and it will start a fight. So a sexual advance from their husband comes with an ultimatum of "do it or else we'll fight".

Underneath it all, though, is usually a big misunderstanding. Husbands really aren't trying to give you an ultimatum to 'have sex or else'. And they're also not trying to just to use you for their own sexual pleasure, either. There are usually a lot of other reasons that they want to have sex with you. And these reasons are usually a lot more kind and sincere than the ones that first come to your head. Here are five:

Five Reasons Your Husband Wants Sex


1) He wants to Connect With You. A lot of times wives think that their husband just wants to have sex with them just so that he can get off. But the truth is, your husband wants to have sex with you in order to connect with you. Sex is a way for him to connect with you in a way that he doesn't connect with anyone else, so it's special to him. And you're that special person that he wants to share that special connection with.

2)  It's What Makes Us a Couple. The difference between being roommates and being married is the sex. Sex is a necessary part in a romantic relationship in order to have an intimate and passionate relationship. Without it, you're just roommates. And nobody wants to be married to just a roommate. Neither does your husband. If you're not having sex, you're just being roommates and he doesn't want that.

3) It's Fun. Sex is a connecting experience. But it's also fun. And not every sexual experience needs to be electrifying and connecting. Sometimes it can just be fun. So instead of watching a movie together or checking updates on Facebook, why not have sex? It's a lot more fun than watching a movie or Facebook, and even fun sex still has some connection.

4) He Wants to Spend Time With You. Sure, you can spend time together cleaning the house, doing dishes, helping him change the oil in the car, etc. But you can spend time like that with anyone - even your neighbors. Because sex is something reserved for just the two of you, it makes that time together special. And it's a LOT more special than just helping him change the oil or doing the dishes together.

5) He Likes to See You Naked. Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where women are very sexualized. It doesn't take long after puberty before some jerk at school objectifies you by staring at your boobs in the school hallway. And you experience this throughout college and even when you're married standing in the grocery line.  As a result, a lot of women are very self-conscious about their body. And when their husband looks at them sexually they can't help but label him along with the all the other jerks who are objectifying them. But the fact is, your husband does like to look at your body. He should. You don't want him to think you're ugly after all. And it's good for your husband to want you for you - body and all.

A lot of women fall into the trap of assuming the worst reasons why their husband would want to have sex with them. After all, you're used to all the jerks objectifying you and using you for eye candy. But knowing these five reasons why your husband wants to have sex can help you have a deeper understanding and a deeper appreciation for what he really wants when he makes a sexual advance. And this understanding can help you to feel more connected AND have better sex - not just for him, but for you, too.

 
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