As a marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples with difficulties surrounding intimacy. It makes sense, right? Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship don't usually feel connected enough to have good sex. The reciprocal is true, too: Couples who don't have good sex usually don't feel connected either. So either way, a lot of couples who come to see me have difficulties with intimacy...even if that's not the focus of treatment.
I got this letter from a follower the other day who talked about a really typical problem a lot of couples face so I asked them if I could share it on my blog. They gave me permission to share it along with my response on here. All identifying information has been removed to protect anonymity.
I love your blog and articles and I was wondering if I could ask you something. My husband and I have an overall good marriage. We care about each other, there have never been any big problems like affairs or drugs, and we do a lot of things together as a family. Even though there have never been any big problems, we also haven't a lot of excitement in our marriage either. It's been pretty even keel over all. I think it's a good relationship and I'm satisfied with it.
He Wants Sex All The Time
There's always been one issue that we seem to usually argue about. If it weren't for this, our marriage would be a 10 out of 10. That issue is sex. He wants it all the time! At least 2 or 3 times a week! I don't know if this is normal or not, but even when we're not doing it, he's always talking to me about it or making suggestions about it. I feel like they're indirect criticisms of me and I feel a lot of pressure as a result - especially when it's been a few days since we did it last. It's really not helpful in making me want to have sex. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring me and I might want it more but nothing seems to work.
Any information about how to fix this issue so I don't feel so pressured all the time?
Keep writing, Love it,
Dear Blog Admirer,
Thanks for being a fan! And thank you for letting me share your letter and response on my blog. This is a very typical problem for a lot of couples. First of all, in every relationship there's always a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And it's not always the man who's the HDP. A lot of times, it's the woman, too. In fact, in my practice it's been about 50/50. And in EVERY relationship, there's usually a sense of frustration from the HDP towards the LDP because they would like more sex and they're not getting it as often as they would like. What normally results is something like you described: The HDP makes comments because they're feeling frustrated and the LDP feels pressure to have sex even if they don't want it
Sex Is a Way To Intimately Connect
Wanting Sex All the Time is Another Way to Say "I Want to Connect with You".
Tell Him What He Can Do To Help Get You In The Mood
Talk about Sex as a Way to Emotionally Connect
Another thing that may help is to talk about sex together as a way to emotionally connect not just a physical gratification. Sex is not a meaningless behavior that needs to be done like cleaning the house. Sex is an emotional and intimate thing and should be treated as such. Talk with each other about it on an emotional level. Say things like "I need to feel close to you before we have sex. Mind if we do X Y or Z first?" or "I know you really need sex to feel like I love you. I really want to show you that I love you but I am just not in the mood right now. What can I do to help you come?" You'll feel less pressured and he'll feel less rejected if you talk to each other about sex on an emotional level and not just a behavioral one.
There's lots more I could write about this (and probably will in future posts). Hope this helps for now.
Related Articles: Intimacy and; Sex: How They're Different and Why You Should Know The Difference.
"She Never Wants Sex"