"My Husband Wants Sex All the Time"

As a  marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples with difficulties surrounding intimacy. It makes sense, right? Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship don't usually feel connected enough to have good sex. The reciprocal is true, too: Couples who don't have good sex usually don't feel connected either. So either way, a lot of couples who come to see me have difficulties with intimacy...even if that's not the focus of treatment.

I got this letter from a follower the other day who talked about a really typical problem a lot of couples face  so I asked them if I could share it on my blog. They gave me permission to share it along with my response on here. All identifying information has been removed to protect anonymity.

Dear Aaron,

I love your blog and articles and I was wondering if I could ask you something. My husband and I have an overall good marriage. We care about each other, there have never been any big problems like affairs or drugs, and we do a lot of things together as a family. Even though there have never been any big problems, we also haven't a lot of excitement in our marriage either. It's been pretty even keel over all. I think it's a good relationship and I'm satisfied with it.

He Wants Sex All The Time


There's always been one issue that we seem to usually argue about. If it weren't for this, our marriage would be a 10 out of 10. That issue is sex. He wants it all the time! At least 2 or 3 times a week! I don't know if this is normal or not, but even when we're not doing it, he's always talking to me about it or making suggestions about it. I feel like they're indirect criticisms of me and I feel a lot of pressure as a result - especially when it's been a few days since we did it last. It's really not helpful in making me want to have sex. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring me and I might want it more but nothing seems to work.

Any information about how to fix this issue so I don't feel so pressured all the time?

Keep writing, Love it,

Blog Admirer


Dear Blog Admirer,

Thanks for being a fan! And thank you for letting me share your letter and response on my blog. This is a very typical problem for a lot of couples. First of all, in every relationship there's always a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And it's not always the man who's the HDP. A lot of times, it's the woman, too. In fact, in my practice it's been about 50/50. And in EVERY relationship, there's usually a sense of frustration from the HDP towards the LDP because they would like more sex and they're not getting it as often as they would like. What normally results is something like you described: The HDP makes comments because they're feeling frustrated and the LDP feels pressure to have sex even if they don't want it

Sex Is a Way To Intimately Connect 


Underneath it all, sex is a way for a couple to connect on an intimate, romantic and vulnerable level. Sex is one thing that we do only with our spouse and with no one else. So it really is a way to connect in a relationship the way you can't connect with anyone else. With that, it carries an extra level of meaning and importance in a relationship - which is often why there are so many fights about it.

Wanting Sex All the Time is Another Way to Say "I Want to Connect with You". 


Tell Him What He Can Do To Help Get You In The Mood


The HDP wants to have sex usually because they want to feel connected. The LDP usually wants to feel connected first before they have sex. One way to help your situation is to give your husband a "roadsign" of what he can do to help get you in the mood first. Saying something like "Honey, I'm not really in the mood right now but I love you and want to get in the mood. If you would do X Y or Z first, that would really help me get in the mood so we can have a rocking time together."

Talk about Sex as a Way to Emotionally Connect 


Another thing that may help is to talk about sex together as a way to emotionally connect not just a physical gratification. Sex is not a meaningless behavior that needs to be done like cleaning the house. Sex is an emotional and intimate thing and should be treated as such. Talk with each other about it on an emotional level. Say things like "I need to feel close to you before we have sex. Mind if we do X Y or Z first?" or "I know you really need sex to feel like I love you. I really want to show you that I love you but I am just not in the mood right now. What can I do to help you come?" You'll feel less pressured and he'll feel less rejected if you talk to each other about sex on an emotional level and not just a behavioral one.

There's lots more I could write about this (and probably will in future posts). Hope this helps for now.

Regards,

Aaron


Related Articles: Intimacy and; Sex: How They're Different and Why You Should Know The Difference.
                          "She Never Wants Sex"

190 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    wow. I have to comment on this. you didn't have any real advice for this girl. I have a similar experience... I was this girl, maybe 14 years ago. I had no idea who to talk to about the problem, and I wanted to keep the peace, so I acquiesced whenever he wanted it, without complaining. As the years went by however, I really started dreading it. I was sick and tired of sex. Finally I decided to talk to him about it.
    I told him how I felt, but it made him so angry he gave me the silent treatment for more than a week. I had read somewhere that scheduling sex for every saturday worked for some couples in this situation, so to try and break him out of the silent treatment, I offered that suggestion. He was not happy, but agreed to try it. This didn't work either. 5 years later, we are still having sex every saturday, but I still dread sex, I find it revolting and if we didn't have kids I'd probably divorce him. This sex issue is serious, but also complicated.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Anonymous, Sorry for the slow reply. And sorry to hear about your situation. Yeah, the whole scheduled sex thing hardly ever works. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, passionate and fun. Scheduling it makes it seem more like a chore. No wonder you resent it.

    I'm sorry to hear that your partner gave you the silent treatment after you tried talking about it. That never helps things - for you or him. Like I said in this post, sex is an expression of intimacy. If you're not feeling passionate or intimate sex will be boring and dreadful. try to do something to ignite some spark in your relationship, and ask him to do the same. See if that helps your sex at all. Feel free to drop me a line and I'd be happy to answer you more in depth if you don't mind it being a blog post.

  1. Jen Strano said...:

    What you aren't addressing here is the lack of mutual respect. if some one says no it means no. My husband wants sex all.the time. He is the HDP, and his libido hasn't slowed down in 20 years, so he acuses me of being old. That is not a turn on either, nor is it fair. I think it's a power struggle. When he lays on top of me and I do not reciprocate for various reasons...mostly.because its 6AM, it shouldn't cause an argument and harsh words. It should be mutually enjoyable. Not a wifely duty. Not scheduled. Not let's wake her up because I'm horny. That's what masturbation is for, and he seems to forgotten how to do it. Plus he gets mad if he finds out I masturbate without him. Can I have no moments of privacy with my body??? When I say you hurt my feelings, he cuts me off with a brusque apology, and is angry. Doesn't want to hear how it makes me feel. And the more.he discounts my feelings, the more strident I become in making my point. And then.there will.be no sex at all after that. We normally have sex on the weekends, 3 or 4 times, and occasionally have sex during the week. We're in our 40s, and have never been the type of couple who has sex on the middle.of.the night.So why wake me up at dawn and expect me to be happy after I said no please stop, get off etc, ,,( and he said don't worry I don't want sex, he .just wanted slurp on my breasts for 10 minutes while I tried to wake up... ew!). That's not respectful, period.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Jen,

    You're absolutely right. Your situation doesn't sound very respectful. It's a catch 22, feeling disrespected makes you not want sex and and when he doesn't get sex he becomes disrespectful. It's a bad cycle.

    Apparently, when you try to tell him you're feeling disrespected he doesn't take it very well and he gets mad uses harsh words, etc. Your body is yours and that should be respected. You should be also be respected. If it's been going on for 20 years, it's probably time to see a counselor. Nobody likes to see a counselor but it may be better than putting up with the disrespect and having unsatisfying sex for another twenty years.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I felt as lost after reading article as I did when I started it. Advice on how to make situation better and improve relationship is what is needed. Bill and I have been married for a year we are middle aged couple. Every day I hear it...."fred" wants you to come play with him...lets fool around, just touch him one time....etc etc we have sex two times a week but never when I want. it all him. its all about him. I work hard 10 hours a day and come home to clean house, cook dinner, take care of dogs etc. my body is also going through changes, we are renovating house with brunt on me. I have NO DRIVE but he doesn't respect that. I am neglecting him etc How do I let him know to chill down without attacking him? why cant he understand I desire him but I am tired and body says not now? I love him and I love to just lay with him and cuddle and touch but sex just isn't on my wish list right now. he takes is personally and it is ruining an otherwise awesome relationship. if I say my period started again or I don't feel good he will say I will do anything to get out of sex or don't worry I wasn't going to ask you to have sex. that hurts me so bad because I cant stop my period and I really don't feel good. it seems like everything revolves around sex in one way or another. I just want to be a wife and partner. (willing non pressured one) how can I help bill and I continue to grow as a couple and be more responsive and respectful in the sexual side of the house? the tears need to stop and I need a way to convey I want and desire him but making love is just not in me right now. thank you

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Anonymous,

    My advice to you is the same as I gave to the woman in the article. Give your husband a sign of what he can do that will help put you in the mood. His pressuring and criticizing obviously isn't doing it for you (no wonder). Instead of telling him what NOT to do, try telling him what he can do. Men are usually happy to do what it takes to get sex so if you tell him what he can do he might actually do it. And then you might enjoy sex as well. It's a win/win for both of you.

    Sex is an important part of a relationship. In fact, sex is the only thing we share with our spouses that we don't share with anyone else. It really is essential in a relationship - the same as talking, etc. If your body is going through changes and you just can't do it right now talk about things that you CAN do with each other that pleases both of you: oral sex, manual stimulation, etc. There are ways to be sexual without having sex that is pleasing to both of you. Talk openly and willingly about it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What can you do to make him leave you alone completely. No foreplay no sex just cuddling. I think that's what pier asking. Just the man getting over the mood of having sex every day.its ridiculous it just makes the woman look at the man as a begging dog.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi anonymous, if you want to him to just leave you alone completely with no sex then divorce him. Sex is an important part of a marriage. Like I said in the post, it's the only thing you share with your spouse that you don't share with anyone else. It helps a couple create passion, spark and intimacy. If you want to be married but with no sex why not just find a good roommate?

  1. A Northwest Mature Lady said...:

    He is 68 and I'm 56. I love sex and always have. Problem, he wants it all the time. Sometimes I am fine with it, other times I just give in and try to get into it. He is very considerate in making sure I'm happy, it's just ALL THE TIME. My gosh, sometimes when he passes out I check if he is breathing. I think he has an OCD kind of problem with his manhood equating to sex. Help.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Mature Lady,

    Glad to hear your sex life is so passionate! You're actually right in that some men have an OCD kind of problem about sex. Tiger Woods is a good example of this. And that's why there's treatment centers out there that are focusing more specifically on sexual addictions. If he wants it all the time to the point that it's creating problems in your marriage encourage him to see a counselor. It might be that he equates his manhood to how much sex he is having but it could be something else. Only a counselor will be able to help him sort that out. Encourage him to see a counselor and one that specializes in sex therapy.

    Regards,

    Aaron

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow Aaron,

    I feel bad for you. These people don't seem to understand that sex=love. My husband and I are together for 5 years and going. We seem to have a good sex life. Sometimes...he would be too much. He seems to have a higher sex drive then I do. Many times he would have sex with me while I'm asleep or when I'm drunk. Do you think I should tell him to stop? I've tried and he said that I liked it but when I told him no, he seems sad and upset. What should I do? Scary part is, sometimes he doesn't even remember anything. :(

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi Aaron,
    Thank you for the informative blog post.
    In your post you state to let your partner know what he can do to get you in the mood. I know this may sound silly but I have no clue what I could tell him that would get me in the mood. I'm so full of frustration, hurt and sadness that I really don't know what will get me in the mood. We've done counseling and the therapist has even told him to back off and to let me go to him when Im ready but he's just ignored her advice. We've only been married 10 months and are already talking about divorce. Any help on this is appreciated.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi anonymous, if even you don't know what it would take to get in the mood it may be time to go see a counselor for yourself. There are lots of reasons for this. Your sadness, hurt, etc may be keeping you from being able to accept romantic gestures. Either way, if it's to the point where you are confused about yourself you're the only one who can fix that. It's probably time to see a counselor for you.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Maybe the husband is not very busy at work. If he is overworked then he might forget about having sex. If he has a lot if time on his hands, you can expect that he will be so preoccupied with sex

  1. oceanlady said...:

    A man that demands sex on a constant basis has a sexual addiction, simple as that. The excuse that sex is an obligatory part of marriage is an outrage! Re-evaluate your advise Mr Anderson. If a woman is exhausted, sick, or anything then he should not persist the situation. Sexual addicts will manipulate and belittle you into doing what they want with little consideration for anyone or anything else. There are TWO people in a marriage and sex should be enjoyed by both parties not just the addict. I'm so upset at every single response in this post that I feel like running down the street while burning my bra!

    My advise is this, tell him that you do not want to have sex because you are tired, sick, or just plain not in the mood. If he persists, tell him to go masterbate. If he threatens you to leave or to cheat then let him leave and file for a divorce. Trust me, I know addicts and their actions never change. Either he considers you or you take control of your life and ask him to leave. Kids or no kids, you are a human being not a piece of meat that is obligated to please a man because a piece of paper or a book that was written thousands of years says so.

    But if you want to believe all the nonsense written in this post about what a marriage is supposed to be, then I suggest you don't wander too far off shore either because you may fall off the edge of the earth!

  1. Sara said...:

    I think for many women, the real issue isn't being addressed. I think it has a lot to do with being comfortable in our own skin. I hate my body (as do most women thanks to the media's idea of what is beautiful) and so I really hate sex. I'm self conscious about what I look like from head to toe. I know he's not focusing on that.. heck he is nearly blind without his glasses so its not like he can see any way! But I am not comfortable with myself. My guy is perfect about it all..he's reassuring, he tells me I'm beautiful every day, he NEVER pressures me... it is 100% on me. And yes, I have tried lingerie..and it helps only slightly until I start worrying about how I look in it. And we can turn the lights off but I will just focus on how fat I feel. Sex in general triggers a "danger danger!" Response in my brain for absolutely no reason.

    Sometimes I will get drunk just to shut my brain up and we have great sex! But that is only a solution for the symptom. So I have identified the problem but cannot find the answer. I see similar stories all over message boards on all corners of the internet but its a dilemma no one seems to have advice on.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    2-3 times a week at a minimum is considered healthy for both partners.

    My wife didn't like sex, not with me anyway. She had an affair with a woman (also married with kids) after 15 years of marriage and two kids and left. It was traumatic for the whole extended family. There are some married people who manage to discover they have a same sex attraction and manage it with integrity, but that was not my situation.

    If you think this might be the case for you then PLEASE don't act selfishly, work with your partner, the person who is committed to you, think of everyone involved. Nobody cared much about the gay aspect, just that she used it an excuse for her behavior and wrecked two homes in the process.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is a sex addict.. He wants it 4 times a day every day.. It is wearing me down.. I have now stopped having sex completely. Now I'm not having sex with him he wants me to pleasure him by masterbating him, 4 times a day, more if I would. If I say no he goes into a mood, and will keep me awake at night with his inability to sleep until I am so tired I give in just so he will sleep! I feel disgusting and dirty and don't want to go to bed with my husband anymore. I do love him as he is a kind man and a great father, but his constant need for sex has stopped me fancying him anymore. Wish I could leave him, I have tried but I keep going back because of the guilt trip he puts on me.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband wakes me up at 0430 wanting sex. When I work I work nights and when I come home I am tired and again he wants sex. I tried to tell him he always picks the wrong times to want sex. He tells me I don't make him a priority but I feel that he doesn't care if I sleep or not just as long as his penis is cared for. I always feel pressured. I ask him what his plans are for the day and he says well after you make me cum I will get things done. I immediately get upset. I had a uti for two weeks and he made me feel bad becuase a darn hand job isn't enough. I don't know about these other woman but I'm to a point I hate sex and I'm thinking of leaving him after five years. It is just to much anymore. I don't even want to flirt like I use to.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Oceanlady I agree.... I came on this blog to seek advice and I'm appalled at some of the advice given. I feel that if I say I'm not in the mood tonight it should be just that with no further questions asked. Your advice is the best I've seen yet!!

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Sara,

    You talk about something that is a bigger problem than a lot of people realize. A lot of people aren't sexually available to their spouse because of their own discomforts (about their body image, their personal beliefs or embarrassment about sex). I'm glad to hear you found ways to feel good about yourself because that's EXACTLY what needs to happen with people with those problems. Thank you for your comment. I think it'll be helpful for many people reading this.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    OceanLady,

    I don't think we actually disagree. Whenever there is a sexual addiction the onus is on the addict to fix their problems in order to have a healthy and functional relationship. I didn't talk about sexual addiction in the article, though. This article was focused towards relationships without sexual addiction.

    That said, a sexual relationship is a healthy part of a romantic relationship. And for a romantic couple to have a full relationship with romance and passion, sex is necessary (how frequent or not is irrelevant). As you said, there are two people in the relationship. It's understandable that your angry at your partner but don't forget to consider your own contributions as well.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I love him. I miss him everyday. But he not only wanted sex everyday but he couldn't finish. This was an issue that started early in our marriage. I thought maybe it was because we were both not so experienced. But as we got more comfortable at it and as the years went by, nothing changed. Well, except for his desire to have more. And then he added porn into the mix and it just made things worse. I talked to him about it and asked him to get help. But he said it was all in my head. If I said no, he wouldn't talk to me anymore until the next time he wanted it and this seemed to be the only time he was ever happy, was right after sex. Yet it didn't last long. I tried. I really tried to get into it and to encourage him to finish. I tried for so many years. But it finally got to the point where I started feeling cheap. Where I started feeling like I didn't matter. I finally had to get a divorce. And to this day, he blames me and hates me because he say's it is all my fault. Who knows.. maybe it's true.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I sure wish I had some of these women's problems. I am a divorced mom of two kids that spend every night with me. I am seeing a divorced dad of two kids who has only two nights off from his kids. We are lucky if we are able to get together twice a month, since we can only get together during the week, have to wait for my kids to be asleep, and then get up at 5:30 the next morning. Sex with this man is an incredibly deep and satisfying experience, both physically and emotionally, and if I could have him every day I would be over the moon.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'll try to keep my question simple, because after reading all this I could say a lot. Your article says that his wanting sex is his wanting to connect with her. Question is: why can't HE find a different way to connect...why is it always SHE who has to find a way to want sex because he wants sex? And I don't mean only he should find another connection, he and she would be involved; my point is simply why does the connection always have to be sex instead of...anything else...from tennis to xbox? Your article comment annoyed me but obviously its because I relate. He wants sex 4 times a week. 4 times a month is more than enough for me. He knew sex was a low priority for me 19 yrs ago. In the beginning it didn't matter, whether because we were young, newly in love or some other reason, we did it enough to please us both. But after 19 yrs, 4 pregnancies, raising kids ("a mom's job...dad's job is to support the family financially"), pets, his varied work hours so for awhile its sex at 11pm before he goes to work then again when he gets home midmorning and the older ones are at school and the baby is asleep but his job changes so then its just an unsatisfying for me quickie whenever he wants because he has to get to sleep (he didnt recognize my need for sleep all the years I was up at night with babies! I'd come back to bed and he'd say "oh you're awake? Wanna do it?" And I'd have to because when I said no he'd be mad I was giving more attention to baby than to him.) Work layoff -he wants it anytime of day. Back to work and now he wants long foreplay sessions and stays up hours later than I want to because his hours changed. I feel like I'm in a pinball machine-4am...11pm...2am I get used to one schedule and then it changes. Since sex is Not a priority for me anytime I say no he accuses me of cheating, which I've never done. He doesn't like my parenting style, refuses to eat a healthy diet which has caused me health problems instead if him because we can't afford to buy both junk food and the healthy stuff, has no respect for what I clean or wash-evident by making messes everywhere and not cleaning up. So after I'm tired and frustrated and feel worthless-& been accused of cheating!-I'M the one with the problem because a wife shouldn't refuse sex to her husband? I'm Christian but I can't accept that!

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Anonymous,

    Great sex and a great relationship are woven tightly together. It's very seldom that couples have one without the other. That's why sex is important in a relationship. You've mentioned several examples of how your relationship is not good because of work schedules, health, insults, etc. No wonder your sex life is bad. You can't have a bad relationship and have a good sex life. Don't put too much weight on you, here. There are two contributors to any relationship.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Man,if a woman is treated with respect and love she's feeling mistreating and degraded. my opinion is that all women should just become lesbian. because why get married why have kids why do you need a man,become a lesbian don't hide your true feelings.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It's amazing how many idiotic clueless comments that have been posted trying to disagree with the article.

    Pissing in the wind and disagreeing with natural order is the same thing.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am in the same situation as most women here. My husband wants sex all the time. However, I let him know that my other needs are not being met so why should I meet your needs? This makes him either 1) Think about what I said or 2) Just forget of ever asking me in the first place. This may not work for all women but it works for me. One thing I want to share is men can and will manipulate to get what they want. This includes sex addicts too! But a woman should ALWAYS know her identity BEFORE entering into any marriage and not allow a man to GIVE her an identity by demeaning her; insulting her character or disrespecting her to the point she feels worthless. That is pure control! Lady's with low-self esteem please, please love YOU first, take care of you FIRST. A man should take notice and if he doesn't then you should know what you are married to. A Self Centered man! If a man cares for only of HIS needs. This should be communicated to him immediately. With love, of course. Yes, sex is to bond and to share something very special between a husband and wife. He may be HDP, this does not mean just to give him what he wants just because a woman suppose to. Masturbation is always available for him. There must be some form of communications with both parties if a woman feels indifferent to sex. There shouldn't be any resentment to have sex or making love; getting annoyed when he ask. I am a woman that has feelings and want to be noticed, loved, cuddled and listen to at all times. This should be reciprocated. My husband got the message that if he wants sex, he must understand to give in order to receive. I'm not the kind of woman that will let my husband do what ever he wants when he wants it. Balance is the key. Marriage is work. Sex is to reinforce the love shared outside of the bed. Men are to conscientiously making love to his woman in bed and out. "A Million Ways to Love a Woman" By Will Downing, a beautiful song that any woman can relate to. This song share how a man stimulates his woman mentally, emotionally and physically. Another thing, if a husband loves a woman for who she is (being a little over weight) or whatever the case may be. Accept his words "I love you no matter what" HE LOVES YOU AND ONLY YOU! Furthermore, A REAL MAN WOULD NOT IGNORE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR, PERIOD! A lot of a times, a woman thinks she married a man, when in actual reality she married an immature man, I call him; a boy. He just needs to grow up to be THAT man and husband in her life. Woman are emotional creatures, we like a lot of emotional bonding. First, a woman must take care of herself by taking time to do things she likes and enjoying it. A husband should understand and realize this and be supportive. If not then maybe things should be evaluated between the two of you. When there is a lot on your plate, like taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else need to be done. A man should really understand this. It's not calculus? When your tired, he should respect that and keep the peace in the marriage. My husband does not come home demanding sex or make me have sex or have sex in my sleep. Personally, that's like rape to me. NO means, NO! If a man have respect for a woman prior marriage, then where did the respect go after saying "I DO?" It shouldn't ever be his way or her way but both ways, understanding each other in everything. He either respects who I am or we need to reconsider our marriage. Though, I believe my husband is a sex addict I tell him this. He may get angry and for what? That is something to really think about. Why should I be concern of someone that does not have that same considerations of my feelings? Crazy! I am a woman, A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING WOMAN that should be treated in that manner. Women MUST be strong and always know her identity of who she is. A woman should Never lose herself while trying to please her husband or anyone else. God in heaven NEVER intended it that way.

    ~2lovable4u

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is always asking for sex or talking about it and its a big turn off if i say no e wont talk to me for days and then he expects me to jump into bed with him but i cant just turn my feelings on and off like a tap so he gets into a mood again and turns it round to be my fault and says am cold towards him now he says i have got to make a decision about our marriage he never says he loves me he is not romantic but its my fault

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I think the problem with most women attacking Aaron here is they don't understand for men to feel trust and connected we need to feel desired and needed sexually. For women to want sex they usually need to feel comfort trust and connected to their partner beforehand
    beforehand. Either way...Sex is about love. That's how it is for me. So if a woman doesn'. Feel that way as men we feel it's because you don't feel connected to us which then makes us feel disconnected from you. Its an emotional need for me MUCH more than a physical one. I need it to feel loved and wanted.
    ....this is the case for every guy I have spoken to. I try to make.my girlfriend feel love trust and connected...if she doesn't want sex.it makes me feel like I'm.not doing.my.job as.her boyfriend by.fulfilling her emotional needs....maybe u girls who are bitching.should try see it from another.point.of view...


    par

  1. anonymous said...:

    So at the end of the day where is the balance so both parties can be happy? My husband and I have a great relationship but some days (not all the time) I'm just not in the mood! But when I tell him that he catches an attitude and gets all pissy. So i,find myself just going through the motions just to keep the piece. Do men understand wat it feels like to have sex when u really don't want to? Sounds like rape doesn't it? Now I'm in a position where I'm less and less aroused because at this point my feelings don't even matter. I don't think that's fair. The real question is how do we find that balance where he is happy and I'm happy too? And don't give me that crap about tell him how to get me in the mood because if it really were that simple this would not be an issue. You can be the master of foreplay but if I'm not in the mood then I'm not in the mood period.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I have the same issue and it has been the same issue for 20+ years. He wants sex all the time and when he can't have it all the time, we fight and not just about sex…about everything. I feel like he would have sex with anyone laying in the same bed with him, it has nothing to do with me. It has NOTHING to do with connecting…PLEASE…He is horny at 4am and wakes me up! SO FREAKING DISRESPECTFUL!! Unless we did it the night before and then it might be 6am before he asks if I'm ready for round 2. He forgets that we may have had sex 2 or 3 nights ago and will claim we haven't had sex for a week…which is insulting but more importantly…its like someone telling me I haven't shown up for work, never mind the implication that sex is my job, but I have shown up. I do enjoy sex and I climax 99% of the time, I'm engaged, I'm very comfortable with my body and I think I'm pretty good:) But sex is not my job, its not a debt i have to pay, I'm not obligated because I'm married…I do it because I want to. Now if he wanted to spontaneously ask for sex, I'd probably concede the majority of the time. But he asks everyday, several times, like a child who wants to eat candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. And its not just a request its a NAGGING WHINE. When I lay in bed with him, there is no adult conversation, there is only groping and dry humping until Im annoyed and then the silent treatment…Which by then I'm fine with . That's not it, then he will almost sleep in pain and complain like he is in agony all night long…I need my sleep so that just makes me angry and his chances for the day have just been greatly reduced. It would be nice if he would BACK OFF and wait for me to want it…OMG what a concept!!! Its almost like a greedy, rich man who just wants more money every day, never caring how he gets it, never appreciative of how much he already has!!! Because IMO my husband is a rich man, in that he has me…so stop being so damn greedy!! :) That felt good…:) I have no great advice but the grass is never greener and I'm not sure a sexually-appreciative man exists. But if you are considering lesbianism I say kudos…unfortunately when I have sex I want it to be with a man…otherwise, I consider lesbians genius. You could decide to divorce and throw everything out the window because of a personality flaw…there are a ton of disadvantages to that scenario BUT the benefit would be that whenever you wanted sex you could find a man to give it to you and never have to deal with the begging:) Good Luck Ladies!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well I felt my husband was an addict...I told him he will have sex with me Everest except when my friend comes to visit....he laughed...I felt like sex became a job...he worked early hours and made me feel like I needed to have sex before he goes to sleep...it can be in the middle of guest ova...that was crazy...but then I was diagnosed with H pylori...which lowered my labido...and then I'm working 2 jobs...I was tired and wanted down time...but he didn't consider that...he always wanted sex even before I can b arroused...so sometimes sex was painful...I tlked to him ova and ova about our sex life....on top of that we argued a lot...he had no respect...so how did he exspect me to feel sexual ...I felt I was the only one who cared about our marriage...so for the last time he asked me for sex...I said we have to fix our marriage he rant and rage ...said he was going to cheat...he left 3 days later and hasn't return...its been almost 2wks...he was and still selfish...of all the Times I could have and should have walked out on his ass...and yes stop tryanna make a woman feel sex is the only connection...if so then any relationship is doomed from the door...men have to take responsibilities of how they care for the relationship just as much as the woman...we can't bear the weight all on us bcuz they belive they deserve sex bcuz their our husbands...connect...Men I decree please learn go to sessions read books study a woman's personality...dnt b selfish and think she come with instructions...learn about a woman...find out what makes her happy and that does not mean b a yes man...but b a genuine man she will b glad to 1day call her husband...to all the woman that going through this...keep the faith take care of urself...move slowly and study...so u can begin to knw the signs in the next
    guy u dnt want to have a relationship with...Peace and Blessings

  1. Paris said...:

    The only thing that I have to say after reading all these post ladies is to quit your Nagging and Moaning and Continue to Please your mate! Because if he doesn't get it from you, trust me, he will get it from somewhere else! That is why relationships do not last, people are too busy complaining about the small things, instead of appreciating the good things! You should feel good that your husband or mate still wants to have sex with you, and on a regular basis! This means that he is still attracted to you and desires you, sex is just his way of showing it! What if he didn't come on to you when he got horney? What if he stopped paying you attention all together sexually? You ladies would still be on here complaining, Only this time, you would be nagging and moaning about how he doesn't want to have sex! I say to all you ladies on here, get a life, stop complaining, and stop being so emotional. Appreciate the fact that your mate still wants you and Take care of your man! Cause if you don't, the next woman will!

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hey Paris,

    Be careful here. Telling a woman (or anyone for that matter) to do it anyway even if they don't really want to is only going to cause more problems and more resentment. The key is to identify why you don't want to do it, and ask yourself if you're being your true sexual self that you want to be. Lots of wives blame their lack of sexual desire on their partner. They key is to take ownership of your own sexual wants and make direct requests as a result.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Anonymous who has been married 20+ years and believes her husband is an addict:

    I often find that one common reason men want really frequent sex is because the sex they're getting isn't great so they substitute quality for quantity. This sounds like your scenario. I don't know what started it but it doesn't really matter because either one will stop it. You can continue to increase the quantity or try to increase the quality. Just a thought.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi, I am 22 and my fiancé is 25. Next year we are going to get married but I am already feeling pressured about this stuff. Yet we only do oral sex, but whenever we are alone at home or in the car his mind is just about this stuff. Whenever we do Oral sex, it is nearly always about me trying to pleasure him. It's really getting boring and I don't know what should I do. I don't like to feel pressured. What shall I do. I am not one who never wants to do stuff and talk about it but I only want this stuff like 2 times a week, but his mind is just there whenever we are alone, and whenever I try to tell him that I don't like the fact that all that matters for him is this staff when we are alone his answer will be " Me? I feel hurt when you tell me this stuff, how can you tell me these things if we never did sex. What do you say about others, nearly everyone have sex before marriage.. I help you a lot in your studies and staff and you know that my mind is not just in these things".
    It's true he helps me a lot in my life and I do as well when I can, but I feel annoyed and very pressured when I know that we are going to be alone (we will be alone almost every day in the evenings). maybe I have a problem, I don't know what should I do. Should I get married?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What a load of bullshit! You have plenty of advice but it is not based on experience (I can tell) that is what is needed here, I have plenty of experience of this subject (14 years) and have read countless things tried thing', it ddoesn't work!!! I really wish people would stop pretending to know it all!!!

  1. Blaq Beatz said...:

    Ocean Lady, I think you're getting it all wrong. Some important issues about marriage are not to be taken for granted or ignored. I think what you need to understand about Mr Anderson's advice is how to get the LDP Partner to at least connect with the HDP partner, no matter what. There has to be a balance cos someone is high and the other is low. It was clearly stated that there other ways one can feel sexually satisfied without the real penetration thing. The truth is, is you keep turning him down with those" Not in the mood excuse" he gets angry, but if you at least try other ways, othr passionate ways, it gets better and somehow you're very much free a little from the pressure. This is a bond, you can't do this with someone else unless your partner. That alone should tell you how important and necessary it is. That alone should also make you have other ways of making it happen whenever it's tuned. That alone make you wanna even connect more to that and that's the ONLY thing God designed for marriage as a food for the soul. I hope this makes sense.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I can't belive all the ungreatful woman here complaining because they are being wanted by there partners you should be ashamed. I myself found this article because my partner does not crave sex as much as I do. A lot of the problems and stress and arguing is because I do not feel satisfied and connected with her. I tried to find a solution by showing her this article and she just refused to read it, by not wanting to read this or fix our relationship is basically telling me to f*** off and showing that she doesn't care . I love her and our two baby girl toddlers I don't know what to do I would give my life for them? We have been together for about 8 years and have started having problems the last two to three years I am 31 and she is 27. Sex was awesome best ever in the beginning but now it seems as if she became boring and old, I myself am full of energy and enjoying being happy of course curently lacking sex from a female.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Sex is what? 5- 10 minutes of your time 3 minutes if your good at it.
    3-4 Times a week. c'mon just get it out the way, move it along. The only alternative is to split.

  1. Nate said...:

    I'm the HDP partner in a marriage that's nearing on 5.5 years. I've tried anything and everything to help the situation. And my day to day life is still a struggle.

    To the ladies who say "just leave me alone and let me come to you" -- I've done this. It doesn't work. When I leave my wife alone, it takes her ~30 days before she stops and thinks "why do I feel disconnected from my husband?" If I regularly point out my interest, my excitement, and/or my needs then it's 2 to 3 times a month. However, my "bantering" is "annoying as fuck" and makes her feel less interested in being close. But, statistically it's the better plan. And I hate it. I hate understanding the cause and effect.

    Before I accepted that my wife was a LDP (by a strong margin), I would get home from work anxious as to whether tonight was going to be my lucky night. It took years to build up the rule book of excuses of why tonight was not a good night. I would ask questions that more or less would rule out subsets of excuses like "did you have a long day?" or "have you had a chance to shower today?" But she got creative on the days when I thought all of the common excuses were covered.

    And so she was always showering me with excuses that have relatively easy and simple fixes. I could never understand why she wouldn't fix these things so that she and I could share a closer relationship. Later I realized; she just doesn't want to be close to me. It was simply her reaction to having learned if she says 'no' outright that there are unintentional side-effects to the rejection.

    Later, we took a couples communication class. We learned to try saying 'when' instead of saying 'no'. But that was disastrous for us. I would believe that she was actually interested in trying that night, or the next day or whatever. And I would watch, as if by the side-lines, how the common excuses would introduce themselves. A lack of a shower, or watching one episode turn into six. I would ask, "hey are you still interested in tonight?" when I get home from work. Her response was always "yes". It seemed like she would do anything and everything to avoid ever being close. And it drove me insane. It hurt my self esteem and I felt more rejected than ever. My mind was at ease during the "waiting period." (the first and the second and the third... etc). I didn't think about being close, I didn't feel rejected. But, when those rain checks expired (or were renewed) I felt worse and worse and worse and worse. It was like I was deferring the rejection only to cash it in at a later time with an additional interest charge + late fees.

    Now, we're at a point where we communicate much better. She knows where I come from. I know where she comes from. We both agree that for us to have a rewarding relationship that she has to work (unfortunately!) on trying to be available physically. And I know I have to work (unfortunately!) trying to avoid being pushy, and whiny, and avoid showing when I feel rejected. But it doesn't fix the problem; she can't hold up her end of the bargain. And now I'm required to shoulder that rejection and disappointment on my own.

    I'm torn... even a divorce to reset things will just tear me apart. I could never support two families all by myself... and so I feel like if there is any out it's with my motorcycle over a cliff edge. And even then, to fix the physically disconnected problem I'd be creating two other problems -- 1) my life insurance has a capped pay-out and 2) neither my wife nor children give a damn about the problem I'd fixed and instead they lose me.

    I just feel trapped, used, and I hate myself. I hate being married to someone who can't give me the only thing I can't give myself. Masturbation only reminds me to what extent she avoids being close to me - and let me tell you; it is so depressing.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To a person who wrote
    Sex is what? 5- 10 minutes of your time 3 minutes if your good at it.
    3-4 Times a week. c'mon just get it out the way, move it along. The only alternative is to split.

    LOL seriously? You cant even get your pants off in that time. Sex in my house is at least 30+ minutes.
    And he makes sure I always finish. If im not in the mood I sometimes just suck it up and still do it.
    He has always wanted more than me even when dating and doing it every day every other day he would watch porn and do himself on an off day. Now after 2 kids and 7 years together he still wants that. I dont Im just not that interested. BUT when we took a week off and went to a tropical vacation for a week just 2 of us it was fun to do it every day since you have no responsibilities. Im just tired and sleep is more important usually. He tries not to pressure me and makes it out NO SEX FOR A MONTH when it has been a week that is soooo annoying. He has accused me of cheating also - and I dont. He just does not get it I dont really care. And all he has to do is to get me horny and be nice about it... if you piss me off the im mad Im not a light switch and can enjoy someone when the have been an ass few hours before... So I shoot for at least once a week and rest of the time he can have fun with himself. If he does not like it or thinks he deserves mere/better/bigger things then he is welcome to divorce me I do love him but I am not anyone's slave. And yes its true headache hurts, and period cramps hurt and there is a PMS for a week so unless you are nice and considerate you are not getting any. Sorry but that's life. Its unreasonable to expect this amazing spontaneous sex every day when you have houses cars jobs and kids.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Mate, I know exactly how you feel.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Is anyone being honest here.. When we (me. Or women) want to have sex with you, you should be happy, if you have no interest, don't ,like sex, the marriage makes little sense long term. Why would we as a modern society not match those HdP and LDP with a matching. Partner, and ...why would we not teach our kids what to expect, loom for and ask questions about this?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Coming from a man perspective: ladies, having sex on the regular makes a man happy as we all know; that is how we feel loved. It is equivalent as a man telling his woman that he love her to make her feel loved. Sex whenever the partner wants it is will make a relationship go a long way. If you are not able to have sex due to medical issues or whatever, find other means to please your partner. He/she will feel loved and he will be happy enough to truly express his love for you. Because I really love my wife but I never tell her how I feel because I feel sexually deprived. Once I get sex I can then express my feelings and not be depressed and just revert to playing video games to avoid thinking about sex. Btw we have sex on the weekend and if I'm lucky on a weekday, but sometimes that is not enough. I just don't get it!!! Women can sit there and get on Facebook or watch other people lives on tv ( reality shows) all day everyday but be ready to get a divorce when it come to pleasing their man for less than 30 minutes. You man think we are being mean or addicts but it really does hurt our feelings when she don't want too have sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I feel awful for all your husbands...wow no wonder men cheat. It seems you women equate sex to sex and not to a connection. Or being ridiculously selfish and not even wanting your partner to feel good with a bj or hj I think you need to give your heads a shake

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi I read this and thougt it would help me out. I have a boyfriend and I have been with him for 5 years he always wants sex and he is always talking about it and he wants me to be more sexual and be more adventurous but I am not like that at all and its annoying because i keep trying to tell him that but he just gets angry and says whats the point in being in this relationship and that hurts and upsets me because I love him. I am sexual some times but not all the time like he wants me to and I dont know what to do. Any advice?

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi anonymous, your sexual preferences are your prerogative to have. If he's pushing you to be more adventurous trying things you're not comfortable with that's not healthy in the relationship at all. one thing that is often helpful for couples (as I've said several times on here) is that instead of just saying no and leaving it, talk it out. explain to him why it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him to understand your wishes and come up with other things that you're both comfortable with.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    The advice on here actually made me feel sick. If a child asks their uncle to stop having sex with them should the uncle stop and leave them alone or should they persuade the child to tell him of what things provoke sexual desire in the body? It is perfectly possible to be turned on sexually but to really really not want to have sex - I'm sure we can all relate to the time we have felt turned on completely inappropriately and just been very grateful that no-one else around us is aware that we are turned on. Why therefore is it the woman's responsibility to tell the man how to turn her on when SHE JUST DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX??? Sex is a privilege, not a God given right. Lots of people cannot have sex for various reasons. We expect paedophiles to control their desires for the entirety of their lives, we expect people who are attracted to animals to control their urges. What is so different about a man with a high sex drive?? I would not say sex is the only thing characterising a romantic relationship - a desire to live together, a commitment to work on relationship difficulties, a close and loving bond, a knowledge of how someone lives, these also characterise these relationships. The expectation that a woman meets her husbands needs sexually characterised marriages before feminism, before we even believed in equality of men and women and in the period of time where rape within marriage was not recognised in law. I feel that none of the responses (except I didn't read all of them because they were making me feel ill) actually deal with a very important and it would seem wide-reaching problem: what to do when your partner wants sex and you don't, they claim it's affecting their ability to function and put pressure on you to have sex but your mental health is being seriously affected by the pressure you are being put under. Catch 22.

  1. J-Rod said...:

    Gay Relationship;
    My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs. when we first started dating we were happy and not stressed out we had no issues with sex. The last couple yrs have been alittle stressful for the both of us. Due to some unforseen issues. Can stess and anxity be a cause of low sexual drive?
    My parter spends just about ever sec of his day thinking or ingaging in sexual pleasure. May it be browsing Applications like Grindr or hiting up the spa just so he can JO looking at xxx pics on Twitter.. I feel as tho my bf is more about sex then actually connecting on all the other different levels of a relationship. I love hooking up with him but sometimes I feel as though he puts a lot of pressure on sex so it tend to make it more like a job. He has OCD and likes to have it his way. If I try to talk to him about any of it he always gets upset and finds some way to spin it and make it my fault. He always accuses me of Naggin and whining but a lot of the time its him who is doing it. He gets offened if I even question him on anything. sometimes he spends more time on his phone than actually being in the moment. I want to connect with him so we may have a better sexual relationship. I have tried meditation but he gets bored, He gives me massages to help me relax and that helps us to connect. But even that sometimes causes an issue because he doesn't think he should have to do that all the time. If anyone can help please coment me . thanks!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I feel u on that one g

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We are both responsible for the state of our marriage. In the beginning we had frequent enjoyable sex. I didn't always want to have sex, but I wasn't opposed either, so I continued to meet his needs. It started to get really old when I found myself having sex by simply smiling at him. Anything was a come on to him. Eventually I began to decline, but it didn't matter what my excuse, he would argue manipulate, and pester until he had his way. I have had sex when I was running a 103 fever because "Oh, you are so hot...you feel so good." I simply was too exhausted to continue the argument. When I had stomach flu he was considerate enough to turn me around and do me doggy style so that he wasn't putting pressure on my stomach. What a guy. In the beginning I believed he would eventually grow up and appreciate all I did for him. We have 3 children and we both work. During my pregnancies he never lifted a finger to help me, I still did all the housework, mowed the lawn cooked, shopped for groceries. He didn't even fix things around the house. But, he certainly thought my pregnancy was all about him. My big boobs, and the other changes in my body excited him. But, if I would say I have a craving can you get me ice cream. He would say, I'm not falling for that craving bull crap. I am guilty of not standing up to him, of enabling him. We are not having sex very often anymore He has admitted how selfish and stupid he was. I try to see him in a different light, I try to relax when he touches me, but I cannot. He touches me and I cringe and wish I was anywhere but there. I sometimes will give him sympathy sex because I feel sorry for him, I know he is feeling rejected and unloved. But, when I do I feel like crap, but I know I did it to myself. It is a catch 22. Not having sex isn't the answer, but I can't continue to let myself be used. Some of the answers on here do not sit well for me. If I tell him, I will have sex with you if you do X Y & Z means I will have sex for a price, what am I a prostitute? We have been down that road, and it ends with he will pick up his dirty socks give me a leering look and throw me on the bed. He thinks he gets to decide when my price has been met. I am not interested in foreplay to get me in the mood. I can tolerate a quickie but if he tries to make love with me, it is unbearable. Did I mention that after about 7 or 8 years of marriage I decided to visit my parents. He was worried because he would have to go 3 or 4 days without sex. He was so distraught while looking at porn he thought it would be a good idea to post some of his own...OF ME!!!! I of course was livid, he thought I should be proud. I cut him off of taking pictures of me, he was so mad he put up spy cameras and had a huge library before I found out what he was up too. Needless to say there is no trust in our marriage. It sounds hopeless right? Why do I stay? I don't know.

  1. scruziel said...:

    Nate's comment should break the heart of any woman that isn't made of stone.

    Most marriages begin with the intent of caring for the other person, as they are, not as we wish they would be for us.

    What happens to that when it becomes obvious men's need for sex is emotional? Would women whose excuses abound for not having sex be as understanding about husbands who begged off going to work because they just didn't feel like that day? No, because they expect caring for them by earning a living is expected regardless of how they feel that particular day about that loving duty. Why is sex any less a loving duty? It's part of caring for the other that was supposedly what the marriage is about.

    Oceanlady is all about oceanlady, not caring about and for the other. Justifying self-focus is neither attractive nor particularly loving of the other, which is what the marriage was supposed to be about.

    The majority of women commenting here seem to care little about feeling close to their husbands. Aaron's advice seems to validate such self-focus. Men that are jerks should be divorced, not complained about or boycotted. I seriously doubt most men are that dysfunctional until the women they are with begin to think withholding is the only way to care for themselves.

    Asking the HDP for self-sacrifice may meet the short-term needs of the LDP but as a long-term strategy, it is incredibly self-defeating as well as unloving.

    Those who think otherwise need to re-read Nate's comment and ask themselves: would you be proud to be the LDP in his situation? If you would, why are you even married? You aren't really interested in caring for the other but you think your needs should be served and come before his. If you think that's what marriage is, it's no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. The issue isn't slavery, it's the inability to put one's self in the other's position. The Golden Rule is a positive duty, not an "if I get mine, I'll think of the other." Do as you would like to be done to. That applies also to the HDP but if that one sees it's never understood as reciprocal, it dies a quick death. Reciprocal support and care keeps love and intimacy alive. Lack of it kills them.

    The way you behave every day reveals the choices you are making. Choose wisely.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is the same way. I am 45 and he is 29

  1. Anonymous said...:

    This is merely how I see things. Ladies, you say your man wants sex all the time? Not tonight honey, I have a headache, or I'm tired gets old... especially when it goes on for days, weeks, & months. Let's put the shore on the other foot shall we? Ladies, think of the one thing your husband does for you often that you just love. Now, instead of him meeting your needs constantly, What if he only did that for you maybe once every month our two? After awhile that $@#! Gets old, doesn't it? Frustrating isn't it? The one person who can make you feel so special practically quits whatever act that you lived so much; that drew you closer together. You want that back, and with frequency. It's the same thing. My analogies aren't always spot on, but I think you get drift.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    HERE! HERE!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Before marriage, my wife spoiled me with sex three or four times a week. After marriage, less and less. Over the years...now we have sex usually once every two or three months. She has absolutely no libido, while mine is in overdrive. I love my wife without question. Nonetheless, after 26 years, I find myself constantly imagining sex with other women.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow....sex is for both people not just the one. And the only thing that results from making sex into a duty is having someone who is lying to you. Most of you men Dont care as long as you get yours but women do. And this results in women having secret affairs cause the other man will work harder to make sure its enjoyable.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi.. I don't think women need to be connected to want to have sex.. they are just sick of the person/husband. Example.. a woman in our group of friends kept having sex with this guy we knew even though he would keep blowing her off and not talking to her any other time.she even said it was the best sex she has had with multiple orgasms. It was obvious she was being used but it was also obvious she loved it. ..so with just sex its not a connection for women either...its a sick of that person feeling..Boredom

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Man, I just stumbled onto this blog because of the headline. I am that HDP husband for which so many (anonymous) women have such great contempt. My wife probably feels the same bitterness all of you feel. This is so clear ... I need to dump her and never again trap myself in a marriage! Thanks for the clarity!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I had sex wid my boyfriend for about 4 times that too months back and now we don't share such relation.if my husband can make out about my previous sexual activity

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Blaq beats i feel that completely thats foox for thought

  1. SKREW32 said...:

    my god people this is all so sad and i could fill 2 pages for the folk on here in anyway mentioning religion or jesus. i doubt any of you will be boning him so ill move on. this is a problem every creature in nature encounters males physically need to release 10 fold what a womans body needs to. emotionally men feel their closness through sex if you love him bend a bit read an erotic story or something to stimulate the sexual part of your brain or something to help the mood before he asks. if you cant stand your husband and cant make yourself desire him seperate get some cats whatever it will be better for both parties that way. with this said men we are all dirty minded horny bastards to some degree call it addiction or what you will. watch some awful porn and jerk it when she looks exhausted sometimes. you could do a sink of dishes a load of laundry the kids homework or baths to take her load off then theres more time for her to want to have sex. if you have extra time sex is great but you could enjoy a funny movie together play a game of phase 10 also. whatever activity you commonly enjoy before you start pulling out your schlong. remind her why she loves you because noone loves anyone just because they bang them. but furthermore doing a non xxx thing together like playing a card game and bullshitting together will also remind you of how much you love your wife/girl how cool of a person she is to you or you are to her if you arent even friends whats the point go buy a fleshlight and spray a little perfume around lol. not that im making light of problems im not ive been there ive been married for 12 years have 3 kids work hard thankfully no christian hangups though. the bottom line is its a meet me half way situation everything in a marriage should be. be her friend and do less bitching about sex squeeze an extra nut out on your own to calm the testosterone down a bit. ladies learn how to get the juices flowing a bit on your own so you dont feel its a chore u just want a bit of dick that day anyway. i hear the 50 shades book series makes 90% of women moist. i hope this helped someone because too many of you sound a bit self centered both genders included. noone should owe anyone it should be a desire for lucifers sake! ps: you gentleman talking about 5 or 10 minutes maybe if you learn to make your girls legs shake every time (this takes a few extra minutes) she will ask you for sex sometime. good luck to you all

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I had so much trouble on the sex front. He said I need it every 2-3 days or i get angry or If you dont come to me some times wanting it i dont feel loved. For him sex is love. I would say I love you. But themore you nag, threaten leave threaten violence the less I love you and longer it takes for me to want you. I worked out I want sex1-2 times a week which lessened the more threats and nagging. Reason being If I wast up for it we'd have a quicky and it would a couple of days to recover down there and if we did it again too soon before i was ready would take another few days to recover so I never got the chance to really want it cause i always got a shitty quicky. Everything was my fault. It came down to i didnt love him. He got angry and that was my fault. Now we are living apart and having
    the sex of our lives because he dosent pressure me, we only see each other 3 times a week and he really pleases me and puts in the effort I deserve and he says ...why wasnt it this good before to which i respond he killed my sex drive with threats, blackmail, and overuse. I said I am a very sexual being if you allow it time and nurture it. We will never live together again because I cant risk things going back to the way they were. There was no respect for my needs but living apart the respect and love is their but due to damage caused over the three year marriag it is over. The kids 3 and 1 will miss out on living with their dad for the sake of prob one night a week extra sex he wanted. Shame...

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Before you dump her just think about other ways she shiws love for you. Does she tell you she loves you, do your washing, cook for you, clean your skid marks off the toilet? When was the last time you really appreciated her? When was the last tume you did all this for her then got her off for half an hour before making love. Try it champ see what result tou get.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Get a clit tickler...spark it up a bit. Have sex on the beach. These are my two faves.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    OMG What people put up with! This is a real eye opener. Its up to you hun but please just answer me this do you want your boys to grow up and be like him or for your girls to look for a similar man for their partner? If your daughter was in this relationship what would you say to her? Now take your own advice.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have two toddlers who can wake me up to 6 times a night then get up at 530 and go to sleep at 7pm . I dont feel like sex much either. I know I'll be back at it when I get back to adult life again but norhing about sleepless nights, nappy changing, picking up toys getting coutless meals a nd drinks and doing mountains of washing gets me in the mood.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow, reading this I'll never get married - women moaning because their husband wants sex 2-3 times a week !

    Those terrible men, don't they understand that marriage is for celibates...

    These guys are stuck in marriages where their partner begrudgingly let's them have sex on rare occasions - I can't think of anything worse :-)


  1. Anonymous said...:

    Two weeks after my ceaser my husband tried to have sex with me even though our doctor told him he should wait 6 weeks then he tried again at three weeks even tho this was very painful I said nothing. Some men are just selfish and don't care about their partners wellbeing. He also blamed his anger on lack of sex and raised his hand to hit me but obviously thought better of it cause I was pregnant. This kind of behaviour is what breaks up marriages. Women arent slot machines we have feelings guys. Marriages arent easy but if you only have sex twice a week when you are dating dont expect more when your married or even as much when you have little kids. No one has the right to blackmail and emotionally abuse another person just walk away its kinder in the end.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I bet if men more commonly had erection problems they would be more understanding. Its because of our anatomy they assume we're ready all the time.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    crap, this is such a wide spread problem!! It's soo depressing, I am the HDP male in the relationship. I just want to connect with my life partner. I always thought if it was real and true it would not be a chore at all. I certainly don't want to be "stuck in a marriage where the partner begrudgingly let's them have sex on rare occasions". What a draining experience... confused and frustrated much!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Oceanlady is right. I guarantee that if men did more work in the relationship, you would suddenly see a huge shift. These men have quite idle hands, thats why their partners are exhausted. Now how much fun to see all these men worn out and their wives refreshed enough to feel frisky!!
    Ladies,. If your partner has this much energy, and you are exhausted, sit back and be sure he gets to use all that energy up doing the things that exhaust you!
    Im sick of women expected to work fulltime, care for the kids, family, house, cats dogs, endless to do lists, little sleep and then be a porn queen! These are not little boys, they are men, men who took vows to be with their woman. Sometimes there will be sickness, poverty, less sex, but you've had the honeymoon period, sometimes you have to soldier on. You cant expect sex on tap every day of married life. Use that energy to help your partner and enrich your lives in other ways, many, many ways to use energy showing love. And usually women will come around if they arent sick, exhausted, pestered and if they feel loved.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I think you are presenting things from a patriarchal male viewing point. Not really balanced and practically all these comments here are from women who feel pressured into sex, not men. There is a huge difference in a loving, thoughtful man being constantly rejected and a selfish jock expecting a women to be there servicing his needs on demand, no matter how tired she is. A selfish man is not loving or thinking of the relationship or his woman. Really if a man cant let a tired woman sleep, or contribute more so she isnt exhausted, why should a woman be too worried about his needs.
    Please try address this problem from a less elfish male perspective.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well said! I have been shocked at the chauvinistic answers here pretty much telling women they MUST do this or that to 'keep' or to please a selfish man!!!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is taking prescribed testosterone and over the counter testosterone and pre-work out drinks. He is 61 years old and wants sex all the time. He talks about sex all the time always touching and groping. He has lost weight and gets angry and stand offish. I feel this is not normal. This weekend after two nights of 2-3 hours of groping and sex each night the last night he said thanks for doing your wifely duties. Wow. I just threw away one of his over the counter male testosterone creams. Any other suggestions. I have emailed his doctor and told him of his anger and that friend have commented on his moods. I feel like a sex slave to his moods. I am starting to break out and think his testosterone creams are rubbing off on me. My 14.5 year old daughter has not started her period and it may be rubbing off on her towels too. I am a successful business woman. I don't need to be married to any man who will not stop this nonsense. Any other suggestions?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Let me start by saying that I am a man, I have been with my wife for two years. As a man I do want sex...a lot. I try not to put pressure on my wife about sex and for the most part I wait for her to initiate. It is hard at times because I do love her and I do think she is beautiful and sexy. We have talked about sex on numerous occasions. I feel bad because she wants to want sex with me. I know she loves me and I know she still thinks that I'm hot. I get all of the flirting and comments from her just not the sex. I am keeping my disappointment and my frustration to my self because we have talked and I know it makes her feel worse about it and I don't want that. I know that its not her fault and there isn't anything she or I can do about it. I have tried everything and nothing seems to work for me. When I get home from work I deal with the household chores (or at very least we do them together) and I help with the kids and supper just to take some of the day to day stress off of her. It still hasn't helped. I've gotten to the point where I don't mention sex anymore just because I don't want to fight, I don't want her to feel bad, and I don't want to feel rejected. It seems to have helped with our relationship just not with our sex life. I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and by sex I mean healthy sex where both people want sex and it doesn't feel like a chore. She has told me that even if she doesn't want sex she would still do it with me. I told her that I don't want that, that I don't want our sex life to turn into a duty or a chore. I want it to be great and not feel like we are just going through the motions. The pleasure for me comes from the connection and intimacy and knowing that she is satisfied. Its hard for me because I want that connection so bad and I just can't have it.

    So my question is: is awesome sex life that I had with my wife just gone? It seems like there is nothing I can do to make her want sex. And I don't want her to force herself to have sex. Is the spark and the passion gone? Should I just reside to the fact that I won't be having much sex?

    I should mention that we are both in our late 20s and healthy. And that in our relationship there are really no other problems. No infidelity or anything like that. We are open and talk about our issues with eachother

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Omg my man-child boyfriend is pretty much the exact same way as your man! Except for the fact he expects sex to happen about every two to three hours, EVERY DAY!!!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Aaron, are you a REAL counselor, or just some quack? I do believe that when anonymous said she wanted her man to leave her alone completely and just cuddle, she meant that as, how can she get her man to just be intimate in a NON sexual way for a period of time? As a counselor, you SHOULD be aware that being intimate, NON sexually is VERY important, not only to a woman so she feels valued as a person and not just as a sex object, but for the relationship as a WHOLE! Man and woman! If us women could get a little bit of that, we just might be more interested in that ONE AND ONLY thing men care about most

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Lady , where you dropped on your head as a baby? Grow up in the 40's or 50's? No offense. But seriously, if he is forcing himself on you when you are asleep passed out drunk, he is RAPING you!!!! Get a clue!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am the LSD in our marriage. I do agree that in the beginning, sex was great then reality sets in since marriage is not a bed of roses and requires constant work. Connection is lost and whether we admit it or not, the refusal to have sex is triggered by some resentment (unmet expectations.) We women see sex more as an emotional connection and when that connection is lost, sex is a challenge. Men are genetically programmed to want to have sex all the time. That explains the need. I think it is natural to require it from his spouse after all he is married to her. Sorry ladies, got to accept that and I do believe in the author's advise that we need to look deep into ourselves and our relationship. What helps me is seeing the good in my husband. Sometimes, it is easy to search what is lacking in our marriage rather than appreciating the good things that we do have. Afterall, no one is perfect and nor relationship is. It is not going to be easy. I am still struggling.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Anyone ever thought of the husbandly duties of being a protector and a provider of happiness? What about the common marriage; wife stays at home, husband works full time. He's off making the money to create a home atmosphere to allow the woman to show him love through the household duties. This is coming from an emotional man who only wants sex if happy emotionally, and I'm an hdp.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    The solution you provide here does nothing to serve the 'low desire partner.' Basically you're telling the LDP how to serve their insatiably horny significant other by coaching the horny one on how to 'get them, the low desire partner, in the mood.' The fact of the matter is, the less horny one simply doesn't want it all the time! And that's fine. The HDP needs to learn how to deal with their insatiable sexual appetite out of respect for what their low desire partner wants. You're making it all about the horny one in this write-up. HDP's need to accept the fact that they have high sex drives, and they need to find other outlets and not harass their partners constantly. Porn, 'self-love,' etc. there are many outlets for very horny people. Telling the LDP to 'figure out a way to enjoy more sex' by 'coaching their high desire partner and giving them road signs' is absolutely ridiculous. High desire people need to get real and take some responsibility for their sexualities and not dump the entire burden onto their partners.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    were all humans. if you dont like tell him or tell her. if she/he offened it means guilty.. same story but not same feelings.if ur partner sex with others hahaha thats your fault! peaople are people

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have been married less than 1 year. It is a second marriage for both of us. My husband's first wife denied him sex. I said when we got married that I would never do that but I feel he takes advantage of it. I have not denied him at all but we have had sex many times when I have been sick or just not feeling up to it. However, many times when I wanted sex he conveniently fell asleep. He cheated on me twice before marriage and I am concerned about it.

  1. Nicole White said...:

    Just wanted to say this: my husband and I have been married for 2 years. He is 56 and I am 51. Shortly after we were married I became ill(several female surgeries, fibromyalgia, lupus). He has been quite adamant about me not "wanting" him sexually, not finding him desirable anymore etc. Not the case with me....I am just exhausted and hurting most of the time. I have had sex with him numerous times even while in pain and not feeling well. I know that sex is a form of connecting....he gets angry with me if I do it to please him. According to him he doesn't want it if I don't enjoy it, but if I tell him I don't feel well or am hurting, he gets angry because I'm not in the mood. It feels like I can't win no matter what I do! He wants it 4+ times a week and gets upset if it's anything less. I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place....Help!!!

  1. Nicole White said...:

    My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He's 56 and I'm 51. Shortly after we got married, I became ill (numerous female surgeries, fibromyalgia, lupus). Our sex life consists of sex 2-3 times a week, but that isn't enough for him. So, in order to keep the peace, I have had sex even when I'm not feeling well. Problem is this: he gets angry if I tell him I don't feel well and don't want to have sex AND he gets angry with me if I have sex with him when I don't feel up to it. I feel as if I'm in a lose-lose situation. I can't please him....he wants me to be ready and in to it all the time! I have tried to explain to him how I feel but he doesn't even begin to understand or try to.
    Reading this blog makes me think that maybe he has a problem...any advice?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Schedule:) and how does it work if he wants ever day sometimes twice?
    Today I had headache I was sleeping he tried I said pls cant u see,then I woke to take my pills; after sn hour ge asked are you feeling better. I replied yes thanks but couldn't believe it ge said then we can do something now?
    In this case tell me what works other than scheduling.
    I say im tired im sick im sleepy to prepare him not hurt his feelings but after all the result will b the same.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am really disappointed Aaron, I thought this blog/site was from a woman and her point of view and thought I could share it with my wife. All you have done is perpetuate the perceived problems between men and women and sex, from a man's view. You have done nothing to improve married peoples relationships along the lines of sex and expectations. Shame on you for wasting people's time!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What is wrong with this world? First off there is nothing wrong with married people having sex. That is one of the primary reasons for being married. Now sex has to be fully satisfying for her before it is for him. I get this part I really do. Years ago we negotiated a schedule for sex. Then gradually as she was enjoying herself we increased it. Then as things were going really well and by this I mean every other day SHE decided to dress for bed EVERY night in lingerie I had purchased. For her and each and every morning we woke early to make love. I had my doubts as if I could keep. Up to this pace but I can and we do. I am 56 and we have sex every single morning and every single night she picks out what lingerie she wants to wear to bed. I have. The healthiest prostate gland in history and the most active tongue which is used on her also each morning. So those who think one or two or thee days a week is too much get with the program and please stop complaining. Sex is very good for a marriage.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I've been married for 30 years. I lost my libido about 20 years ago. I have had undesired sex with my husband at least once a week for the past 20 years because I love him and it has been important to our marriage.
    Just one question: Do you think he would return the consideration and NOT have sex with me for the next 20 years?

    PS I agree with May 11, 2014...You can't coach a LDP into wanting and enjoying sex. Actually, the more unwanted sex they have, the less they enjoy it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So it's worthy of divorce time to get a roomate, if you just want to be able to cuddle with your partner without it always having to lead to sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:


    Too bad men feel like they can have sex whenever the urge comes upon them. Heck, men get horny way too often! They are much hornier than women and they actually expect us to keep them happy at the expense of making ourselves unhappy. If they were out in the single world, they wouldn't be getting sex every time they got horny...they would find other ways to release the pressure. I wonder what pre marriage manuel these men read that told them to expect sex with the wife ALL the time. We need love not constant sex. It's not the same. It's time we tell them this. We are human's with feelings and when they want sex ALL the time we start to feel used and abused, not loved. We need to let them know this! Probably over and over again because they truly think lots of sex means we should feel WAY loved. Listen guys, we don't feel loved, we feel used. Back off until we can get over this awful feeling and come to you for a LOVING sexual connection. You are going to ruin everything with your horns.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi! My husband like to have sex all the time! He seems like his always horny. I don't know if it is because he loved me or just because he has more fantasies of other women in internet!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    June 29, 2014

    Funny, I've had several roommates in my lifetime. Never have I had a desire to cuddle with them. I do crave the intimate physical connection of cuddling with my husband. Actually, that is one part of our relationship that has diminished mainly because it always leads to sex. What's wrong with hugging and cuddling to show affection? Why does it always have to lead to sex? I'm missing the affection, I'm certainly not missing the sex...I'm getting plenty of that!

  1. hippie said...:

    I feel like I am the odd ball out here. I am the woman who wants the sex, and My husband doesn't. It seems that every-time I try to get him in the mood, hes tired, or That I want it to be a two way street, where I would like to be touched as well as touch him. Unfortunately he isn't interested. I frequently ask what would be a turn on, or how will I know when he is in the mood, since he will say I was in teh mood but you blew me off. And I never knew. I have asked how I could know in teh future, and he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I get the lack of sex needs to be talked about, but i fell I am accusing, and I see it in his eyes. I love him, but i cant not feel the love, I need sex. I have only been married two months. any suggestions on how to not be forceful when trying to open up communication?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Perhaps he can have his testosterone levels checked.
    Simple test with simple solution if that is the cause.

  1. Danielaa said...:

    Men commenting on here are clearly missing the point. I am having difficulty because my boyfriend wants sex everyday more than once a day. Its not "JUST" 30 minutes of the day. It's 30 minutes now, 2nd round after that, then as soon as you lie in bed, or on the sofa, the dry humping starts, or touching boobs and genitals ALL THE TIME.. Then in the middle of the night, then early in the morning (4am)before he leaves for work.. Why do I have to wake up 2 hours before work to have sex with you and then possibly go back to sleep for an hour and feel exhausted at work. Then if you do it once, you have to do it all the time... "Before you used to do it, now you just dont like me/it anymore". And for those that say "No wonder we get cheated on?" How bout we women start using that against YOU when YOU dont want to cuddle everynight. How would you feel if I came to you everytime you got home or lay down to rest and said "ITS CUDDLE TIME BABY!" and we'd cuddle for "JUST 30min" like 4 times a day. Bet you men would all be down for that! (sarcasm) You don't have everything you want everyday! Why should this be something to give everyday (and multiple times a day)??? I love chocolate cake, and I would have it everyday... But do I eat it everyday? NO. Can I have it every day? YES. Do I whine about it everyday that I can not eat the piece of cake? NO.
    And im not even married!!! I cant imagine when I do have kids, and a house to worry about! I might as well be alone for the rest of my life and not have to deal with all this BS.

    NOTE: At the beginning of a relationship, its always a lot and great sex, but that's when men are trying to impress us (not being themselves) with all the flowers and oh so sweet messages, and helping out, small gestures that show they care, etc.. we feel HORNY towards that person and want to have sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Men are dogs. It sounds like an insult, but when you actually look at it from a pet owner perspective, it’s pretty accurate. And if women would allow themselves to have a bit of a paradigm shift by looking at their husbands from that perspective, maybe they would come to realize what they are doing to them by constantly shutting them down.

    If you switch “walks” or “play” (with your dog), to “sex” or “good sex” (with your husband), you see how they are virtually the same.

    Every dog trainer in the world will tell you that a dog needs exercise or it will grow restless and start to become unmanageable. Just watch an episode of The Dog Whisperer! A good dog owner will take their dog for a walk every day, and usually a weekend excursion to a dog park for a treat so the dog can really burn off any excess energy. They do this rain or shine. Why? Because the dog needs it. And the dog loves it! And studies have shown that dog owners live longer, healthier lives, primarily due to the added exercise that is required in order to take care of a dog properly.

    Those daily walks are more than just mindlessly walking around the block. Daily walks strengthen the bond between you and your dog. Sure, the dog wants to go out for a walk no matter who is taking them, but he’s coming to you with the leash in his mouth. He wants you to take him. You are the one he wants to be with. When everyone is sitting around the living room watching a movie, he wants to be at your feet. Why? Because you give him what he needs and that bond is strengthened every day.

    So what happens when you don’t take your dog out for daily walks? A day or two might not hurt, but over the long haul, that neglect will start to manifest itself in undesireable behaviour. You will punish the dog, you will scold the dog, you will be angry and resentful of the dog.

    Gradually, that dog will no longer bring you the leash with that look of joy and excitement in his eyes. He will be dejected. Did you know that neglect can break a dog’s spirit? They get depressed and distant, and often become destructive.

    Husbands are the same way. When he is constantly turned down and rejected, eventually he will stop trying. You will break his spirit. Even the most faithful and loving husband can gradually turn resentful and lash out. Maybe not by destroying property, but maybe by destroying the marriage. He wants you. He wants to feel wanted and respected and cared for, or it will drive him away. You can’t just let the dog outside in the back yard to play by himself and think that’s good enough. He will not be satisfied. He needs you to spend that time with him.

    Properly caring for your dog and properly caring for your husband will usually result in the same thing too: undying loyalty and a desire to please that knows no bounds.

    Neglect the needs of your dog, or your husband, and you will eventually find that you have a problem on your hands.

    You know what they say: there are no bad dogs, only bad owners.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I understand exactly what the wife feels... I'm a 39 yr old woman, and hate sex and I sabotage every relationship so I don't have to intimate. I will be alone for the rest of my life until I find male with the same appetite as myself (no sex) sex is very overrated. Signing off (Under Stimulated)

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Lady, lay on you back and let him have his 5 minutes, its not going to kill you to let him shoot his load in you, in/out done in 5 minutes

  1. some men are just selfish and don't care about their partners wellbeing. He also blamed his anger on lack of sex and raised his hand to hit me but obviously thought better of it cause I was pregnant. This kind of behaviour is what breaks up marriages. Women arent slot machines we have feelings guys.

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  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Sex is an important part but its not the most important. You are a man and you havent even put yourself in the position of us women so that you could at least understand a bit. Most of the Low ones are women because women are more heart and are more sensitive in that aspect of giving love. There are other ways to give love and feel connected with a partner that does not involve penetration or body fluids. Sex for me is an addition to a relationship. Shouldnt be based on sex primarily. I am in a relationship with this man that at first, when we werent nothing we fucked all the time. I even started it. But when i started having feelings for him (more or less 3-4 weeks ago) i stopped having or desiring so much sex because for me, now there is an emotion involved. An emotion, a need that can be fulfilled with caresses, kisses, holding hands, hair strokes, etc. Not sex. Sex would be the sum of all that that eventually explodes in a wonderful session of making love. But not all the time. Before we were something sex was everything and now I feel i love him and desire from him what i give to him (which he doesnt by the way. Seems like he is stuck in the past when i didnt felt anything for him) and yes, he also loves me and he says that thats his way of showing me thathl he loves me. But what if i dont want that way all the time? I have let him know how i feel but he just doesnt get it through his head. He is always caressing my breasts, ass and vagina and i told him there are other ways to show love. But for me its like hes just fulfilling his manly biological needs. There have been also a lot of times where i have to put up with him fucking me when i dont want to do it. Its frustrating and it lowers my self esteem as a woman because i feel he doesnt listen to my needs. In my mind I say that if he really loves me, he will bend a bit and learn other ways to give love, which i want to do it, i want to teach him to be more sensitive and less animalistic. But everytime i bring up the topic, he makes me feel like im the bad guy.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Lady, I think you are the counselor here, not this whacko that doesnt seem to know at all what a woman is saying. I posted this to him:


    Sex is an important part but its not the most important. You are a man and you havent even put yourself in the position of us women so that you could at least understand a bit. Most of the Low desire ones are women because women are more heart and are more sensitive in that aspect of giving love. There are other ways to give love and feel connected with a partner that does not involve penetration or body fluids. Sex for me is an addition to a relationship. Shouldnt be based on sex primarily. I am in a relationship with this man that at first, when we werent nothing we fucked all the time. I even started it. But when i started having feelings for him (more or less 3-4 weeks ago) i stopped having or desiring so much sex because for me, now there is an emotion involved. An emotion, a need that can be fulfilled with caresses, kisses, holding hands, hair strokes, etc. Not sex. Sex would be the sum of all that that eventually explodes in a wonderful session of making love. But not all the time. Before we were something sex was everything and now I feel i love him and desire from him what i give to him (which he doesnt by the way. Seems like he is stuck in the past when i didnt felt anything for him) and yes, he also loves me and he says that thats his way of showing me thathl he loves me. But what if i dont want that way all the time? I have let him know how i feel but he just doesnt get it through his head. He is always caressing my breasts, ass and vagina and i told him there are other ways to show love. But for me its like hes just fulfilling his manly biological needs. There have been also a lot of times where i have to put up with him fucking me when i dont want to do it. Its frustrating and it lowers my self esteem as a woman because i feel he doesnt listen to my needs. In my mind I say that if he really loves me, he will bend a bit and learn other ways to give love, which i want to do it, i want to teach him to be more sensitive and less animalistic. But everytime i bring up the topic, he makes me feel like im the bad guy.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Thank you. My exact thoughts. A man learns to love a woman from all perspective and when the woman is not sexually driven all the time, the man should learn to love her as she would like. Not as he would need as a man.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Yeah well, after 2 months of the same thing you would be as tired as all of the women here with the same problem. Dont compare your situation with something that does not compare to yours.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    My thoughts again, exactly. Why cant he find another way to love her? Its exactly my problem too. Im trying for my partner to learn new ways of love but he is stuck with the idea that love is only shown through sex or "making love" as he says when there are other ways of showing love.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Are you even a counselor Aaron? Seriously. All your replies have been from what this person says. A patriarchal way of seeing things.

  1. Alice said...:

    It's really a great thing to spend time with your partner but please be aware that excessive sex can lead to other chronic diseases like cystitis. Nevertheless, excellent post though.

  1. dog days said...:

    To July 30 2014,

    If men were dogs, we would have them fixed and gladly take them for a daily walk :)

  1. Danira Baily said...:

    My man don't want sex he's in his 50's in 13 yrs younger .. I have to come on to him every time & most of the time he says my stomach hurts or makes up some excuse that makes me cry .. We have been together 3 yrs & my do it 1 time a mth .. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel that I try to talk to him about sex & he says he don't like talking about it .. And at night I lay there listing to him breathing getting turned on .. I love him so much & he's so good to me I want to feel desired & wanted but he has no desir & it breaks my heart ... I could never be selfish with the one I love .. If u weman don't want sex then u might not be in love .. I love my man deeply & he says all the time mybe u need a man younger .. I tell him if I wanted someone else I wouldn't be pashant & waiting on him . I wish he desired me ... Once a mth for 3 yrs .. I don't understand ... I could make love to my sweetheart 3 times a wk but we never have . And when were done he never asks if I'm finished or can he do more .. He's even told me to buy something & please myself .. Really hurts me . Makes me feel like he's not in love with me .. And I'm beautiful I've talked to a few friends & they can't believe it because I'm beautiful ... I begged him to get his testosterone checked he says it's high .. That he's fine .. I don't know what to do :( I've tried talking texting sending pictures telling him how much I desire him . But I guess I'm not what he wants ..,

  1. Danira Baily said...:

    My man don't want sex he's in his 50's in 13 yrs younger .. I have to come on to him every time & most of the time he says my stomach hurts or makes up some excuse that makes me cry .. We have been together 3 yrs & my do it 1 time a mth .. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel that I try to talk to him about sex & he says he don't like talking about it .. And at night I lay there listing to him breathing getting turned on .. I love him so much & he's so good to me I want to feel desired & wanted but he has no desir & it breaks my heart ... I could never be selfish with the one I love .. If u weman don't want sex then u might not be in love .. I love my man deeply & he says all the time mybe u need a man younger .. I tell him if I wanted someone else I wouldn't be pashant & waiting on him . I wish he desired me ... Once a mth for 3 yrs .. I don't understand ... I could make love to my sweetheart 3 times a wk but we never have . And when were done he never asks if I'm finished or can he do more .. He's even told me to buy something & please myself .. Really hurts me . Makes me feel like he's not in love with me .. And I'm beautiful I've talked to a few friends & they can't believe it because I'm beautiful ... I begged him to get his testosterone checked he says it's high .. That he's fine .. I don't know what to do :( I've tried talking texting sending pictures telling him how much I desire him . But I guess I'm not what he wants ..,

  1. Jackie said...:

    I have always has a low sex drive but had sex since I was 16 to get or keep a man because I knew that is what I had to do whether I wanted to or not. My bf and I are both 50 and been together 3yr 8 mos. He does a lot for me ( I ask him not to because I don't want to owe him) but I think he is obsessed with me. He always accuses me of cheating since I am not f**ng him I must be f**ng someone else. We broke up today because he said I lied about a guy I dated ( I never slept with cuz I didn't like him that way) and I just can't take it anymore. I don't need crap about my life before him. And
    because although I love him I am over the constant talk about sex like it was just invented, how everyone else does it all the time, the boob grabbing and always being badgered for sex. My ex husband before him was the same way too. I told him from the start I had a low drive ( I have always thought sex is overrated) but he tells me to take care of him or he will get someone else. I told him if his dick was running his life than go ahead because I would be a disappointment. Once a week is all I can handle and even though he does a good job it is still a scheduled chore because he would do it every day if I let him. I would do it 2x the week before my period and that is it. I think it is hormone driven but asked him not to badger me and let me initiate but of course that never happened. I am not attracted sexually to women but I am done with men. I will date and have sex only when I want to . I am too old for this shit.

  1. Jackie said...:

    I have always has a low sex drive but had sex since I was 16 to get or keep a man because I knew that is what I had to do whether I wanted to or not. My bf and I are both 50 and been together 3yr 8 mos. He does a lot for me ( I ask him not to because I don't want to owe him) but I think he is obsessed with me. He always accuses me of cheating since I am not f**ng him I must be f**ng someone else. We broke up today because he said I lied about a guy I dated ( I never slept with cuz I didn't like him that way) and I just can't take it anymore. I don't need crap about my life before him. And
    because although I love him I am over the constant talk about sex like it was just invented, how everyone else does it all the time, the boob grabbing and always being badgered for sex. My ex husband before him was the same way too. I told him from the start I had a low drive ( I have always thought sex is overrated) but he tells me to take care of him or he will get someone else. I told him if his dick was running his life than go ahead because I would be a disappointment. Once a week is all I can handle and even though he does a good job it is still a scheduled chore because he would do it every day if I let him. I would do it 2x the week before my period and that is it. I think it is hormone driven but asked him not to badger me and let me initiate but of course that never happened. I am not attracted sexually to women but I am done with men. I will date and have sex only when I want to . I am too old for this shit.

  1. Jackie said...:

    One more thing. Every time we stayed in a hotel room when traveling there was hell to pay if he didn't get sex because it was a waste of the room! We had free nights that didn't get used because I just could not deal

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Jackie,

    Many women (especially our age) want to give up on all of the games if not on sex all together. Men always think women play the games and are withholding sex to get what they want out of the men. Bull, it's the men who are always trying to make the woman feel bad for not giving the guy what he wants, needs, and somehow feels he deserves.
    It gets old! Guys will never outgrow their hormones but if they aren't careful, they will end up lonely old men.

  1. Jackie said...:

    Thank you. I didn't want to break up with him but it was the right thing to do. His insecurities finally pushed him over the edge. He sent me a text today asking if I went over the guys house I dated before I met him!! I haven't talked to that person in years. Someone he knows told him I slept with that guy and he believed that person over me, the person he supposedly loves . The whole thing is incredibly sad because I have not been a flirt or ever cheated, but it doesn't matter he thinks I am lying. I have noticed that he frequently blames the woman in others relationship problems. I hope this craziness doesn't, escalate




  1. Anonymous said...:

    I just love sex with my GF.. She want iit all the time.. And tells me I am so hot that she cant stop..

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I didn't read all the comments but I can see why the 70s-80s mentality were wrong regarding marriage. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with his husband that's because things doesn't work between the 2, if you really loved your husband you'd want to have sex every time you have free time because feelings alone justify that need. If you have too much work and that you can't find time for your husband just dont marry him... It doesn't make sense to make a family if your life style doesn't allow it. It's clearly a marriage for the "appearance" and you shouldn't complaint if you get into such thing as it is your own choice to live this way.

    I would like also to add that women enjoy sex more than men do, if your men is decent at sex even without love you would be asking for it because of how good it feels. If it's not the case you never experienced real sex and/or your husband is so bad at sex that it doesn't trigger the desire for pleasure in you.

    In any case I'm seriously shocked about the way some woman react to the fact that their husband want to have sex with them... If they dont like the fact that their husband have desire for them they should leave them or let them meet other woman. (And yes I'm serious)

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Lowers your self esteem? If you love this person you should be thinking of them and not yourself. You started the relationship screwing him all the time, why act so surprised that now he still wants it? Maybe his idea of loving you and wanting to have sex with you should show you that he's willing to love you and not be out chasing out women.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Nate I am in the same boat i feel hoodwinked if i knew that my wife
    would go from lots of sex to no sex i would have NEVER got married If i had known that the kids would always be the #1 excuse why i get told NO i would gotten snipped long ago I do my part things i don't want to do to make her happy and in return the 1 thing i want to make me feel like my sacrifice is worth it which requires the least time and effort on her part i get NO NO NO NO. i feel rejected negelected useless and worthless I talked and talked she promised and promised in the end i get NOTHING If i stopped touching her in any way shape or form she would never know something was wrong i could go months not saying or touching her she would see nothing wrong with that i am so unhappy and divorce is too expensive with 3 kids knowing she will get everything i worked my as off for i will get nothing and be forced to pay pay pay pay for my mistake of getting involved with a LDP that started of a HDP i was tricked.

  1. Tiara Oakes said...:

    Hello there,

    I am seeking advice..
    I am in a relationship with a man that I feel is a great one. We have so much fun together and everything is great, except when it comes ur our stances on sex. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. We have sex 3-4 times a week multiple times a day. It's great. However we recently encountered a problem and was sick a few months ago. I had a fever and a sore throat and felt like crap. I told my boyfriend and he then got upset and agitated. He agreed that we would have sex that night and we went to bed. The next day I still wasn't feeling myself. I felt blah and my head and throat was still hurting. I told him that day also I didn't want to have sex. But instead I showed him intimacy and affection the whole day. Hours later he began to get aggressive with me and stand offish. When I asked him what was wrong he said he's mad bc he wants to have sex and I won't. He admits it's an asshole move but yet continues to do so. When I'm sick we fight about how I could do other "alternatives" instead of full on sex, and when I offered for him to perform masterbation he said it's not the same and he feels awkward because he feels like he's betraying my trust. I told him it's natural and that it's okay but he won't do it if I'm there. Am I wrong for now wanting to have sex if I'm not in the mood or sick? And what can I do to help this? I want to save our relationship but he's making it out like all men are like this. I want to have a bit more faith in men but he's making it hard. Help??? Should I just do it when I'm sick???

  1. Anonymous said...:

    We have sex maybe 1 time a week. I'd like it more but our main issue is that her unwillingness to initiate sex is leading me to believe that she never wants it. I shouldn't have to beg and gravel 1 time a week for her to be intimate.. By doing so it basically makes me feel like I'm forcing her to be intimate and care/have emotion towards me. I once gave up trying.. we didn't have sex for 3 weeks and even then it was because I initiated. I've come to the conclusion there are just some people incapable of emotion, well love anyways, and when you never care to initiate romance.. what dies that make your partner feel about both themselves..not attractive etc and your feelings towards them.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    That's nice.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Yeah, that is so frustrating. We were warned but thought it would be different for us. You choose ould try again but the pattern will likely repeat itself. I do understand not feeling in the mood. However, that ought to be the exception. When the sex stops the relationship is going to fail. I work when I'm I'll and do chores when I'd prefer not to. Tax time and car repairs are big headaches, but I take care of them. The children cause a rebellion. This cannot be ignored, but must be dealt with. When she sees sex as a chore, the relationship will not thrive. You can divorce. Then you can pay her bills and never get the sex. So you grit your teeth and pull that plow every day with no sugar in your coffee. She wants a trip or a new car. Sorry, Hun, but I'm just not feeling it. A happy, fulfilling marriage for both parties would be so wonderful and that is why we try, try again. It can happen. But not for me. Why am I so angry? My hard work and fidelity is not rewarded with loving tenderness. My reward is a job well done. I do like my wife. She is pretty and funny and smart. But coaxing physical intimacy is nearly impossible. And when she does it is only grudgingly. I respect the honesty but am so very, very, very disappointed. The beautiful, rebellious children make it worthwhile. If it weren't for them I would just walk away. Why fight? When it's over you acknowledge that fact and go your separate ways. I don't place all the blame on her. I had a bad temper and drank heavily and that had to turn her off. I don't want the children to question their parents' commitment to each other. My sense of duty demands we stay together. I have to run my business, pay the bills, save for the future and spend times with the kids. I want her to continue to treat the kids with loving tenderness and have sex with me daily. I cook. I clean. I take the kids to school and pick them up. She has six hours a day to do what she wants while I work and the children are at school. I thought that my brother what's the tyrant when he told his wife that he would not marry her until she graduated from college and got a job.now he has the same lack of sex from his life but at least she's paying some bills. The bottom line is that I am screwed but not having sex. What are you gonna do?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    my boyfriend loves sex so much and that's frustrating. We've been together for 2 months now and he spends most of this time at my place, well he sleep in every night i must say. every time he turns he wants sex. we'd do it for like 4 times in a night and that's like everyday. Is that normal or this man has problems because i really cannot live with that. I always tell him that I want to miss him, crave sex atleast do it 3 times in a week but no he wants it everyday.. no I just can't. Please advise if this is normal or should i run away like i plan to??

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Men want sex way too often for women. It does become a chore and a huge one at that. It turns something that should be fun into an obnoxious duty. Men should allow their woman's desire to replenish. That should take a week or two at most. When the man pushes all the time, it ruins sex and any loving feelings a woman has for him. Learn to handle your desires by yourself until she is in the mood. Also, try every month to make it special. Take time. Set the mood. Build the desire and finish the job. You can then ask for quickies a couple times a week without being a selfish jerk.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi All

    It is sad to read all the atitude on this blog.

    Ladies did you share these feelings with your husband when you were hoping he would ask you to marry him? which sane man would have popped the question to you
    My wife was as sexual as I was just after we were married.
    As the years passed our 4 to 5 times a week became two and right down to twice a month, I love foreplay and find it as necessary for me as the act itself, i would do anything for her to let her experiance the same feelings I have, I had to always beg for it and constant rejection puts a man into depression, which snowballs the problem, she actually resented going to bed at the same time as me and I started feeling like a "sex addict" which I was not, so I told her I was not going to iniate any more and she was the one to start the proceedings when she was in the mood,I stuck to it till now - I think that was a good gesture on my part to take pressure off her.
    That is when we went down to 1 or 2 times a month and I knew those times she opened her legs were for sympathy, she was now boss of our sex life and bang went all foreplay and oral, different positions and exciting talking during sex, in fact, she will now ask "Do you want to make bumps, well get on with it" I climb on, as she only does missionary position and if I try last more than a couple of minutes she actually asks me to cum now.

    Ladies this is what I got for being too understanding, problem is we love each other to death and would not dream of leaving,

    The downside of this scenario is that I battle with the emotional side, I am moody during the dry spells and climb the walls with frustration, she senses this and then will give it to me once and then all is "good".

    My once sensual self esteem has dwindled.

    Sex is in the mind and if you don't fulful this need weather it is just a look, a naughty word in the ear in public or to fantisize with each other, the actual sex act is frustrating as she has the whole package but is giving just a glimps, after sex I am still craving sex - does this make sense, and without the mind being a part of the act, we could have sex every night but it will not satisfy my hunger...

    What I am trying to put over is that unless you work at your sex life from both sides (excuse the pun - I would be so lucky!!!)the problem escalates on both sides, with being denied sex my need and frustration gets worse and puts more pressure on my wife, so to cope she obliges when she has to but likes to "get it" finished quickly, which frustrates me more and so on..

    I am hopefull for the future...
    Last night my wife really rejected me after weeks of nothing, with a very lame excuse and pushed me to a verge of me not caring anymore, (she knew I was done) she then slowly started to play with me which normally gets a response immediately but I was so down she must have thought it had died,she then lifted the duvet and gave me the most awesome bj, to my surprise she got so wet and horny she even asked me to lick her(which she has not alowed for about 10 years, I used to love doing it and was never in a hurry and according to my earlier girlfrinds was a pro) needless to say we made passionate love and both of us felt completely satisfied.

    I am now again going to take control of our sex lives, we will be having a date night once a week and I will be treating her the way I did when we were dating, we need to re-kindle and spice up our minds away from our routine places and I am sure this will tickle her fancy (again, excuse the pun) and hopefully we will bonk our way into the sunset.

    How can we make time to work so hard at our jobs, washing, cleaning, facebook, etc, and not make any attempt to grow our relationship, imagine writing on the divorce papers that lazyness is the reason.

    Come on men, don't forget to never stop courting your lady.

    I hope my comment helps some of us to get more meaningfull sex.

    Anonymous

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Omg that wife of his is a pain! Feel sad about the man. Have 2 say 2- 3 times a week is not much. I personally prefer sex like 2 -3 times a day. Had a girl once... She wanted the same thing. That was some rocking time together.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It takes time for a woman's desire to replenish. Sometimes a week. If you make her have sex before she wants it, she will grow to hate it. And if she hates it, it will show. Sorry. It has nothing to do with her love for you. It is biological. Some men seem to think their desires should come first. Why? Why do they feel like they are more important? Egotistical, selfish babies.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Kudos to the man above who has decided to put effort into making sex enjoyable for his wife and waiting for once a week. Quality over quantity. It will be reciprocal I'm sure. She will feel loved and respected. Not used. Smart man.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hello
    My husband wont do sex during the week even if i make suggestions...he was all cuddly in the beginning of our relationship, hodling hands in public but now it seems to me a duty than a man who loves his wife and wants the world to know. We do have sex sometime on weekends and twice is a miracle.
    All he wants to do after work is watch TV and yes we have spoken about this a number of times and he agrees on what we could do but nothing changes.

    we've only been married for a year.
    he goes to gym after work 3x a week and whenever i initiate sex he is Always tired.

    i feel he's not attracted to me anymore. I must admit that he fulfills all other husbandly duties...bills...stuff around the house...he does all things except sex. he also alsways says that sex doesnt define the overall happiness of the marriage. if all else is 100% than we need to focus on that which we are happy with.

    help me please someone :(

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Divorce is on the rise because women don't need men to support them anymore and are starting to say NO to sex when they don't want it. Men can change partners every 2 years but the end result will be the same.

    Men want it all the time. Women don't. Women won't be forced anymore.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I agree..it is that passinate because you only get to 2 times a month...everyday pestering gets old!! Fast!!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    All these men these women are referring to are just selfish manipulating bullies. If a man cares for a women he will have abit of give and take these men are just demanding. Its not a women's job to be a sex slave. Sex and a relationship go hand in hand but it is not all about the man if he has I high sex drive that's his responsibility he can go mastibate the world does not revolve around these 'children' I feel sorry for these women, women need more then feeling like servants n this asking how they can help make them come oh please like if ur not in the mood for sex ur in less a mood to give a head job

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband wants sex 24/7/365. We have been together for ten years. I have hardly any drive. Getting me in the mood for something I don't want to do is almost impossible. I think having sex two too three times a week is plenty. He thinks every night and morning is good but would prefer more than that. Men are careless when it comes to sex. They get angry and it's ridiculous. Why should we woman have to feel obligated to sex every night? When it becomes more of a chore than making love, there is a problem.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Seems to be a trend. The more demanding the man is, the less drive a woman has. Men who demand too frequent sex kill a woman's drive. Once a week is reasonable. But these jerks who get angry over not enough sex should be alone. They don't deserve a loving woman. Especially if the woman is reasonable. They are selfish boys who can't grow up. Pouting or throwing their tantrums. What a turn on, eh? Ironic! They destroy the one thing they want.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Both my husband and myself were high desire people when we entered our relationship. We had sex everyday and both enjoyed it.

    What I didn't realize was he was skipping his heart medication and taking TWO Viagra in order to "keep this up", so to speak. That had to stop before he went in for a SECOND heart surgery.

    I was willing to adjust to less frequent sex - I'd rather have him taking his medications and stay alive!

    The problem is, with his heart condition and diabetes, he has a lot of trouble getting and keeping an erection without taking more than the recommended dosage of ED drugs (Viagra, Cialis, a couple of others). Yet he STILL wants to have sex everyday - or what he thinks of as sex. Actually it's just me trying (sometimes for hours) to bring him to orgasm. No foreplay. No penetration. Nothing for me, just hours of him being frustrated with me for not being able to get him off. Like it's my fault he doesn't eat right (sugar means NO erection pretty much) or take his medications properly.

    So now he's telling me that *I* need to see a sex therapist because I avoid sex with him! Yes, of course I do! I'm tired of giving him handjobs for hours and then he just says "thanks" and goes to sleep.

    I am not doing it ANY MORE. To be honest, this issue has killed the feelings of love I had for him. All I can think of is how revolting it is to be used in the way I have been.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Omg you poor thing! I mean that! An hour of trying to get his limp d#%# hard? Every day? Dear Lord woman! You are a saint! That'd be the day. Not for any man no matter how much I loved him, how good looking or nice he was. Limp is such a turn off and gross. It's just for urine at that point.

    Men have a big problem with how much importance they put on sex. To be blunt, if it's not working your body is telling you something. Sex was not biologically meant to be done that often in later years. If you can't father a child and raise it, give up on the daily crap. As a matter of fact, daily is insane at any age. Maybe if he waited a couple weeks, he might be able to get hard. Yuck! I feel for you! Run far away! Nobody needs that torture. That's so gross. I just can't...

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am so sorry for the woman with the husband with ED. I have been there, done that. For some reason (unknown to women) men have a deep seated fear of not being able to obtain an erection. Sounds to me like your husband is having a form of identity crisis.
    Mine sure did (post prostate surgery). It is not fun being employed to be the one person to help him get his erections back. I even got the pleasure of injections for a while. It's hard work when things don't work quite right. Takes the passion and fun out of it thats for sure,

    My main problem was that I had already gone through menopause and had lost all desire for sex already and here I was working almost daily to help my husband get back that which I wished he couldn't get back. Now that is true love.

    I hate to say this, but perhaps this would be a good use of pornography and self stimulation. And most definitely some talking to about your needs and desires. Turn about is fair play, unless you have already been saturated by his sexual insecurities and have lost all interest.

    You don't need a sex therapist, he needs the therapist. He is grieving the loss of "himself" and needs to learn how to deal. When we are in pain or anxious, we often lash out at those we love the most. Doesn't mean you need to accept his anger.

    I hope he can get past this and move on without damaging your relationship too much more.

    Best of luck for you both.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Here is a typical scenario. Man gets unhappy with frequency and hotness of sex. He complains and gets angry. Woman feels criticized, unappreciated and pressured, therefore, turning her completely off sex with the man. You can't reverse the damage quickly or easily. Whenever the woman thinks about sex, negative thoughts fill her mind. Not a recipe for passion. It's advisable to never criticize your partner about sex. It will backfire and ruin any future sex.

    Communicate delicately. Avoid criticism of any kind. Never compare her to anyone else. Never say you are unhappy. If you say 'would you like to try...' And you don't get a positive response... Drop it. This goes both ways. A person needs to feel wanted, adequate and appreciated to feel sexual.

    It's staggering how many men make this huge mistake. Sex is very personal and being criticized in that area cuts very deep.

    Imagine if your girl said to you... I really wish you were harder. How long do you think it would take to forget about that?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I found your article and read it of course after searching how I could help my marriage. I pondered on it for a while and read your other article about "she never wants sex". After thinking about what I've read I agree with what you are saying but I also feel you are missing the point. Your suggestions to the reader really only left her with 2 options "have sex with your husband after you've told him how you like to get into the mood" or "or ask your husband if you can help him come (I'm assuming you mean cum/help him release physically) since you are not in the mood. I'm not gonna lie...I find this second option upsurd. In the second post you mentioned the "low" person having all the control. I disagree with this as well. In my marriage we have sex 3 to 4 times a week. But my husband is never satisfied with that. He wants more and more. I'm already bending and giving into him because I understand he has needs and honestly I don't feel like fighting about it. I have NO control in the situation. It's either fight every night or give him what he wants. In fact I've just decided I'll just say yes every night so I can avoid the in between days of him being angry, fighting, and disappointed. I don't feel that you at all understand what it feels like to be pressured to have sex. To give of your body and self to please the person you are with because yet again he is disappointed with you. I agree with the comment above me. When you are already giving something that you have little interest in and then it's still not enough you are still a disappointment to them you lose any desire you may have been able to cultivate on your own had you been given the chance. To me sex doesn't feel like some beautiful thing my husband wants to share with me. I feel as if I must do it to avoid am argument. Not very romantic at all.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Older man speaking: Love the honest responses here. I can easily imagine how women feel backed into a corner by her male partner's sexual needs, how it becomes a complex. Does it help to imagine the flip-side of that: what it's like for a man to live with his own constant sex drive like a monkey on his back?. Some of this has to be simple biological differences. Does it help if partners take charge of their own sexual gratification, so that a woman can ask a man to masturbate next to her instead, or is that repulsive? Or, switching roles, that a woman takes charge of her own orgasm? I do love it when I feel taken in and wanted, so it's hard for me to realize women may not feel the same about being wanted. For some (most, all?) women, being wanted all the time can seem more like being relentlessly backed into a corner.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Aaron, id like to drop a pulp fiction line on all of these angry self righteous women. "If my answers scare you, cease asking scary questions" he has a multitude of amazing points actually. Its pretty non biased. Dont get angry because he disnt pander to your selfish thoughta. Your angry response just goes to show how selfish you truly are. Which explains why you cant keep a man happy.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It's impossible for one woman to keep a man with a high sex drive happy unless she gives up her freedom, happiness and sexual preferences. That just sucks. No man is worth that. Those types of men should not be married.
    To previous poster. It's not selfish for a man to expect that a woman put her husbands wants above her happiness? You are highly biased and refuse to see women as equals. No compromising in your marriage. Your poor wife.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Why is a woman being self righteous to want to have a choice and say in the frequency of sex that SHE has?

    Why aren't men labeled self righteous when they expect women to bow down and submit whenever they want?

    NO LOGIC HERE!

    Sex is not a man's right. It should be a pleasurable act between two willing people.

    Even though women arouse men by their appearance, they have the right to say no. It is not an obligation just because a man wants you. Hell, that's all we would do is lay down and please one man after another. Grow up and learn to control your constant urges.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I can't believe this blog has gone on for over a year. I stumbled upon it when trying to research the same problem. It seems there is so much information out there for people to improve their sex lives to cater to the higher desire spouse. I feel that sex is a very important part of a relationship and my husband is very considerate when it comes to the act itself. However, I too feel the pressure. I am able to thoroughly enjoy sex and don't have a problem with it. But I do feel that there should be other parts to a relationship without the sexual pressure. We have sex pretty consistently every other day and in between it is talked about, I am grabbed at, pressured about it, etc. I have tried to explain that I would like to substitute some of the sex with other forms of intimacy in our relationship, because I feel this is what I need as a woman. Maybe our sex crazed society doesn't help. Every where you turn, there are commercials about sex and sexy women being objectified. Also the way some women act doesn't help as far as the "Kim Kardashian" types, you get my drift. I feel that pornography makes things worse because maybe some men think that is how a woman must be in order to please them. I say "some" men, not all. The posts about the biological differences in men and women are right on the money as well. There needs to be more common ground in the understanding between men and their wives. I feel like I am not listened to, that it is just his way. I also feel that when we have sex, that I am willing to do just about anything he wishes. However, I am still called a "prude" because I don't want it even more. Like the other women on these posts, I feel resentment, therefore it just kills my desire to initiate it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Self righteous? Do you know what that means? Totally correct or morally superior. I don't think that fits. There is a difference between men and women and how often they want sex. Men seem to not care and simply want their wife to fake it all the time. Women want to be in the mood and not be forced to have sex and fake enthusiasm when they aren't in the mood.

    Do you really think self righteous is applicable? And if you want to label one side selfish, that might backfire in your face.

    Women don't want to change men, they simply want to be respected and to have the freedom to say no without the husband getting angry.

    Men just want sex. Period. All the time. They don't care if you aren't in the mood, they feel you are obligated anyway. That might just be the epitome of selfish behavior, don't you think?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Exactly. Who wants to initiate when you know all you will get is to be treated like the girls in porn? That's not enjoyable for any woman. Sex wasn't designed just for the man's pleasure. It takes two. Women are not sex toys. They are equals with their own desires.

    Yet, women are called prude, selfish, self righteous etc. it's insane. If only men knew a little about women and how to get along.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    November 2,

    As a matter of fact, the LDP always does control the frequency of sex. If the HDP persists even after the LDP says no, it's called marital rape. Most HDP's know to back off before it gets that far (if they don't then you need to be reading about how to fix other problems in your marriage rather than an HDP/LDP problem). Yes, there's pressure on the LDP so it often feels like you don't have a choice. But remember that you do. You can say no as frequently as you like - and you should. Out of respect to your partner, though, give them an appropriate place where they can get their sexual needs met with or without you. It just saves you both a lot of headache.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Being a male must be shear hell! It's gotta be like walking around feeling like half of a human. And what's worse, you have to rely on another human to make you feel alive.

    The thought of not feeling loved or connected, not feeling whole or masculine, not feeling desired or respected without having sex with a woman sounds like a very sad state of affairs. The thought of being plagued with sexual thoughts, lusty desires, sexual frustrations on a daily basis must be depressing. Yet, I bet if you were asked, you wouldn't have it any other way.

    It must be super frustrating to have to rely on a female to make you feel like a whole person because, by definition, females are unreliable, emotional, and often aren't interested in constantly "keeping you happy".

    Some of you guys act like you are in a constant state of looking for a female to plug into in order to recharge your batteries. It's like your tank is always on empty.

    And then you get mad at the female in your life when she isn't interested charging you up at a moments notice. You call her names and get angry at her.
    Hey, It's not her fault you're plagued with being a male. Take some responsibility for your own state of being!

    I feel sorry for males, but not enough to allow myself to be used as a pump station when the tanks empty more often than I have supply to fill them.

    Thank God I was born a female!

    I will never understand men. I especially don't understand how they actually enjoy living with a Male sex drive. They just need to quit complaining when those selfish females won't cooperate with their needs and demands at all times.

    It is NOT the female's fault you are living with a male sex drive!!!!! We were not put on this earth to "keep you happy". Sorry if you can't always have it your way.


  1. Anonymous said...:

    "Out of respect to your partner, though, give them an appropriate place where they can get their sexual needs met with or without you. It just saves you both a lot of headache."

    A woman needs to give the man a place to get his needs met? Firstly, it's not a need. You won't die. Secondly, what kind of place are you talking about? A brothel? A room with a laptop? A divorce? LOL Seriously, what do you mean?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Personally, the not feeling loved or connected is just bs. They say that just to plead their pathetic case. I agree it must be hell to be a man and in constant need of a fix. That is an addiction for sure! They actually see women as their fix and feel cheated and get mad if they actually have a mind of their own and won't oblige. Tell that poor girl what your demands will be BEFORE she marries you. She will run like hell. That's not marriage. That is slavery.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What's sad is that men have what women want but turn it into a nightmare with the constant and ever increasing unusual demands. They can't be satisfied with simply making love. They need to turn up the scenarios with whatever fantasy they imagine that day. It goes from an expression of love SHARED by a couple to an addiction that turns the woman into nothing more than a tool. The woman is cheated with sex addicts. Romance is long gone. Perverted chores are far from romantic. If you are involved with one of these men, end it now. It won't get better. Only worse.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Male sexual addiction ruins many marriages. Internet porn plays a part. It's up to the man to become aware and seek help. Most don't. They prefer to ruin their relationships, blaming the wife instead of admitting their weakness.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To Nov. 2 "Older man speaking"
    How refreshing to hear a man actually try to understand where a woman might be coming from. You sound like you kind of get it.
    Thank you.

    As for partners taking charge of their own sexual gratification, that sounds like a great idea. Nothing repulsive about it!.

    And to: the feeling of being taken in and wanted.
    Well, for me, yes I do enjoy that feeling at times. But being smothered with "being wanted" starts to feel like being "used" when what I need is my space.

    I don't think men know what feeling used feels like. My guess is that most men would love to feel sexually used by a woman.

    I think it might have something to do with the fact that (most) men's sexual needs occur much more frequently than female sexual urges. So when a man needs sex and makes advances and the woman isn't interested and the man keeps suggesting or getting angry or resentful or even hurt, it is a clear message to the woman that what the man really needs is our body to relieve their sexual frustrations. Period end of statement.

    That message has nothing to do with love or connection, it has to do with getting your sexual needs taken care of and needing my body to do it. Yucky message.

    Some of that just might have to do with males social attitudes toward sex. The way you look at women, pornography, rape, condescending remarks degrading women, conquests, etc. It's every where and those attitudes only reinforce women's feeling of being used for men's pleasure.
    We grew up with these messages pounded in our brains.

    When we reject advances, it is not a rejection of you! It is a rejection of sex! Repeat that one hundred times. What we don't want at the moment is sex. We still love YOU! Repeat 100 more times. This seems to be a tough concept for men.
    Men's ego and masculinity is tied so closely to their sexual prowess that they have a hard time not being personally rejected when a woman isn't interested in sex with them at the moment.
    That leads to my last comment:


    On the flip side. No thank you. I would hate being cursed with a sexual monkey on my back! The thought of constantly being sexually driven sounds just awful. You can keep your male treasure. I have better things to think about and accomplish.

    Once again,
    Thank you for at least trying to understand some women's views of constantly being pressed for sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I want to make sex a priority and ill give it mybest shot. I just feel exhausted! I get up by 5am to get kids ready and out the door by 645. Then off to work 8-10 hrs. Im expected to cook and clean and help kids w homework and then be a sex goddess and the end of the day. It's very hard!! I seriously put my head on the pillow and im gone til my alarms sounds. I wish i had a person to help me w the kids homework and w the cooking... This is part of my plan even when we cant afford it but I want a strong marriage and i have to say that sex is really and important part of it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Are there any men that don't pressure their gf/wife for more sex? If so, I'd love to meet one. To have sex when we BOTH want to? Heaven! Does that man exist? Please say yes.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Give them an appropriate place where they can get their needs met? Like where? The shower? A girlfriends house? Red light district? What do you mean?

  1. Anonymous said...:


    I have been with my finance for about a year and his sex drive is much higher than mine. I think mine is actually pretty high and he complains about not the amount as much of the quality of the sex. We have sex about once per day. I believe he has a sex addiction, but I may be wrong. He wants sex a lot and masturbates around 5 times per day while watching porn. He has a super high sex drive and complains about the quality of the sex. On his defense he gives me everything a woman can want both emotionally and financially, but this sex thing is driving me nuts and making me second guess the marriage. The thing is I got fed up with his behavior and denied him sex for about 2 weeks. This led to fights and I left home to stay with my parents over the weekend and told him I wasn't sure about the relationship. He ended up seeing multiple high priced escorts that weekend. He didn't tell me, but I found out and emailed them and actually talked to one of them. These ladies were stunning, $1,500 plus an hour and I wouldn't say I am all that bad, but now that he is complaining about the quality of the sex and I saw them online, how can I measure up? These expensive prostitutes were like super models and actually held advanced degrees according to their whore profiles. I emailed them. The ladies all told me that they were nothing to worry about and they were in it just for the money and would never interfere with my fiancé. I feel that maybe I should just give up. He is one of those types of men that is handsome, financially wealthy, and such a sweetheart. He would make ever woman's dream come true, but how can I deal with this sex addition. We are in our mid 30s and time is running out for me to pick a decent man and have children. He has all of the qualities, but I fear he may be addicted to high priced prostitutes and porn! I mean its one in the same, because he hires prostitutes that are playboy models for more than 1k per hour. He told me he would quit. He just said all men need sex and if I am going to deny him sex, he may continue to see prostitutes even in our marriage, because he gets so horny. This is such an evil thing, because the way he treats me is one in a million like a princess. He is so talented and intelligent as well, but how do I deal with this addition or should I just give up on what may be the perfect man? I think he has a real problem and he has suggested he will see a counselor. I just don't know if its possible. I think he feels entitled to whatever he wants, because he is successful. I have my own money and a great career so I don't need his money, but its my dream to be a stay at home mom. Should I just ignore his misgivings? I really have a lot going for me and I would consider myself as a very beautiful lady with a great career and I am scared of him contracting a STD from his activities. He said he will stop, but if he doesn't, I feel I will have to leave him and continue my search. I am so picky and in love with him and I watch him now like a crazy jealous girl. My job is suffering and I am about to quit my job to watch him, because I am scared he will see a prostitute at lunch time. I have never caught him in any other lie. I do think he has remained faithful for the last few months. I cant seem to provide him with a great " quality " of sex, because I am so angry he saw those prostitutes behind my back. I did confront him and he apologized and we are going to a sex counselor, but the whole thing is just confusing. I feel like he just cant stop. He wants sex all of the time from me and sometimes its too much, I tell him go hire again and leave me alone. This even more frustrates him, because he says he doesn't want to be a "John" and he wants a happy marriage and one he is faithful and puts it all one me like its my fault if he sees a prostitute.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To the previous poster. Run like hell. He is NOT the perfect man. He views porn daily? You know how porn affects men don't you? Google it! He cheated on you and paid a ton of money for prostitutes and you think he's perfect? He views women as his sex toy. Nothing more. You don't want that.

    Imagine this scenario. You are married to him and have a 6 month old. You quit your job and are dependent on him, You have an even lower sex drive because you are nursing and not ovulating. He pressures you for sex even though you are exhausted, getting up at night to feed the baby. He isn't happy because you aren't into sex. He goes to see more prostitutes. Does that sound like a warm and happy home? Recipe for divorce more than likely.

    Don't you dare marry him just because he has money. Respect and the way they treat you is paramount. And please don't have children with the self absorbed man. He is not a good role model. You will be sorry if you do. He won't listen to a counselor. That type of man listens to nobody.

    Don't let your age make you settle. You can find a nice man that maybe doesn't earn as much and isn't as attractive, but will treat you well. You deserve that.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Dines records how porn tells a false story about men and women. In the story of porn, women are “one-dimensional”–they never say no, never get pregnant, and can’t wait to have sex with any man and please them in whatever way imaginable (or even unimaginable). On the other hand, the story porn tells about men is that they are “soulless, unfeeling, amoral life-support systems for erect penises who are entitled to use women in any way they want. These men demonstrated zero empathy, respect, or love for the women they have sex with…(Pornland, xxiv).”

    Do NOT be with a man who views porn. You will be sorry. Porn ruins relationships.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Gosh, I thought I'm the only one. I recently broke up with my partner bec of this issue. I love him but I couldn't stand it anymore. :-(

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Perhaps he should stop doing all the cumbersome daily activities that you find important...like going to work, paying bills, etc. That door swings both ways.

    This isn't about "obligation". It is about love and mutual respect. When one spouse withholds sex, it is selfish and disrespectful. When one pressures for sex endlessly, THAT is selfish and disrespectful.

    Perhaps couples should think about the needs of their spouses instead of this endless exercise in selfishness where self-indulgence rules.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I sort of agree with the previous poster that you shouldn't withhold sex. But we may disagree on how often you should have it.

    The pressure and criticism men throw at women only makes them want it less. You stop looking at the man as a loving, caring person and begin to see him as a selfish, mean sex addict. The thought of sex with him becomes unpleasant.

    It's a downward spiral. Couples should be counseled before marriage. Husbands do not have a right to their wives bodies whenever the urge strikes. Wives should remember how important sex is for a man. When criticisms start, it becomes a long ugly battle.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It's an eye opener when men say they deserve sex for going to work. They equate work with sex and wonder why women then view sex as a chore. Women do all kinds of chores too. Just because you work doesn't mean you are owed sex. Sex should be mutual. Enjoyed by both. Not an obligation or chore. That attitude sucks the fun right out of it.

    Make it fun. Make it mutual. Women don't desire sex as often. If you want a wife, make her want to please you by being a good husband, not by acting like a kid who didn't get a toy. In other words, grow up.

  1. vivek kadam said...:

    Iam married but iam not satisfied with my wife I like sex

  1. Anonymous said...:


    I posted previously about my fiancé. Lately ( as if he is reading this ) he hasn't been looking at porn nor has he been pressuring me for sex. I think he may have given up and we are having sex naturally every other day; however I did catch him on an escort advertising website. It seems like the reason he is more chill is that he is taking his needs elsewhere. My question to men then why even stay with us and why involve us. The high end prostitutes are attractive and willing to bend over and let you do whatever where ever. I feel as one woman I cant compete with ALL of them. He says its my fault MY FAULT if he sees an escort like I said in my previous text from withholding or BAD sex. Its strange, because when he had his 10 sex sessions with the ladies after we had amazing sex!! I am depressed, because as a whole eventually I wont be as attractive as the ladies he can buy. Its simply because I am not in my twenties anymore. Its just totally unfair. I don't understand why he pays, he explains he is just too busy to go to a bar, this way he can pick them out as in a catalog and he gets what he wants and back to work. This is driving me nuts and I feel the only ones that win here are the ladies he purchases, because they leave unaffected and emotionally intact ( well probably not as a whole ), because he is an attractive younger guy that is decent looking and generous so I am sure he treats them well. Plus he brags about their bodies and how he makes them ( trying to get this PG ) multiple times. I actually am starting to hate not just him, but men as general. Men are so fortunate to pick out whatever and throw money and get what they want. I guess woman can too, but a woman's needs are far more emotional. I wouldn't want to spend $750 for 2 hours for a man to have sex with me, but men do. He told me the richer he gets the more porn stars and top models he could buy. My question to him, why MARRY ME? He says he doesn't want to be this type of man and He loves me. He wants to be a one woman guy and he is ready to commit to me and only me. To date this man has spent over $150,000 or so before meeting me. I could think of a lot of things that money could do, to me what a waste of money. He says the experiences are great and the woman love him. Is he that delusional? Those woman are in it for one reason only, the money. Watch out ladies !!! When he stops wanting sex, your husbands will be like my finance. They will quickly go into hiring. Like him, I think its a last resort and they feel bad after they did it; however once they discover the high-end escorts and porn stars, they will become addicted. No one can compete and not even the porn stars or models can, because every woman is replaceable in terms of sex. This is something I have found that has made me very bitter towards men. I can bend over and have amazing sex with my finance, but I am only one person and someone else smells different, feels different, and is new and exciting. I can never be more than one person and the more I try to please, the farther my self esteem falls. I guess in some ways now that if your partner wants it all the time, there is still time left before he looks into the sex industry and starts spending your marital money ( in my case our wedding money ) on other ladies for their benefit. Be careful and always know men see you as a replicable object. The only reason men stay is fore LOVE and COMMITMENT, but if he wants sex from you, give him sex for goodness sake. Never forget, 1000s of woman are ready and willing for money. Men aren't that stupid and they aren't that committed. They are just people that are so horny, they will fork out whatever to get it. I am not speaking of all men, but probably a good 30% and the one I am in love with.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Ok this is another post about my fiancé ( a couple of hours later )... So I broke into his phone to find multiple prostitutes texting him daily. One he did an overnight with for 5 k. I decided tonight I will move on and have ended our engagement. I refuse to think all men are like him.

    Sex should be about the fundamental things.. love and connecting. Sex should not be forced nor denied. Moments of sensual touch (A touch transcends energy so powerful that words are mere dots on a blank canvas that really can never portray that moment) are the connecting life points. Connect with your spouse.

    Pray for me as I will need it. The dating world is a jungle. I wish all of you the best and as the smart woman said I deserve a GOOD MAN with less money and less attractive, but that treats me right. Perhaps he will turn me on and I will have great sex. Or maybe in a few years I will be back posting. :) Goodnight its 5am here.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To the fiance above. Shocking what you put up with. He does these immoral and wasteful things and you go back to him the next day? Where is your self respect? Are you really in love with him? After he tells you he is with other women? Or are you in love with his money?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi Aaron. I came here looking for some real help on this topic and felt a real sense of hopelessness after reading your advice. I at least felt less alone after reading the comments and I read every last one.

    You as so many people have addressed the problem to help ONLY the HDP. As usual...the advice is to basically give it up, give in...your needs are less important.

    I believe that in putting your partners needs first, you will always win. but lately I find that HDP's don't actually do that. There is immense pressure to perform literally from the HDP's side that the LDP is basically forced to just open up and do what is required. Read that previous sentence again. NONE of that makes me feel like it's a loving two-sided relationship.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So...
    Dear Men:
    Women understand basic primal needs better than you can imagine. In fact, most women find it a huge turn on when her man is so into her and only her. The problem usually happens when you usually show interest in her as a woman only once you've had your way or it seems like you'll get your way. That sulk when you don't get what you want is equally as revolting to us as when we sulk because we can't go shopping with your hard earned cash. or when we nag and nag and nag you to do something for us. In fact... it's EXACTLY the same. I've read so many advice columns that encourage the female spouse to relax on the nagging and rather positively re-enforce her husband if she wants something done around the house because he is less likely to do it if the nagging goes on and on. Imagine we were to tell you ALL the time: but sweetheart...I have needs. I have desires, take me for a date. once in the morning and once at night is perfectly enough for me. But while we are on the date, I want your FULL attention, and I want you to look as though you're having a great time. even though I know you really don't want to go this morning... because you already told me so. You told me you don't feel well but you can't possibly be feeling that bad, after all, it's just a date so it doesn't really require very much of you... It's EASY. the easiest thing to do.

    I have a wonderful husband. He's a kind man, we were both HDP. then I gave birth and I had a very long labour, I was in deep pain afterwards. He found this sexy for some reason and I was asked to make love to him a couple hours after I returned home from the hospital. For us as women, when something like that is asked of us, it says everything and nothing about a man. It says that this person you put all your trust in would rather have your body regardless of how much pain it can cause you than just take the time to spend it with you healing you. And so many women experience the same when they are ill, feeling unloved. I am deeply saddened that this seems to be something that a woman MUST JUST DO to make her man happy.

    BUT NOW...
    Dear Women
    Your husband/partner/boyfriend has deep complex feelings that are linked to his sexual drive (just as ours are linked to our hormones) we cannot ignore it and we cannot feel like we should withhold it just because he made us unhappy. When my hubby and I were a younger couple, making Love healed whatever wounds we had, and I slowly but surely crept away from him, because of his expectations in me, while all the while holding true to my expectations of him as a husband, a father and a man. Treat your man with loving passion and he will treat you well. Men, treat your women with care and respect and she will treat you well. this is the basis of what we need from each other. My husband always tells me: in life there is no give and take, 50/50. it's only 100/100. and although many days I resent that saying, it is true. there will be times when your partners needs outweigh your own.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So... Dear Counselor
    While your advice was ok... it offered nothing for someone really suffering from this problem.

    Often for the LDP...sex is tough. but making Love can be a beautiful thing if it is willing and desired from both sides. Men esp... sometimes you don't know that you're pressurizing us into sex. perhaps you don't know that this is ALSO a form of rape. if it's not wanted and the LDP doesn't have the freedom to say no because it will affect the general happiness of the relationship, they are putting their partners needs before their own. If you are the HDP, you can have NO idea how grueling this can be for the LDP. yet we do it, we do it because we truly want to make you happy. Why is it ok for date night once a week, once every two weeks, once a month? ask yourselves...everyone, what am I doing to bridge the gap that formed over time. hold on to the partner you once looked at with passion and the one who was your rock of integrity.

    and lastly, to men who have just fathered children.

    You cannot imagine how hard it is to go from maternal to sex goddess in a couple of minutes. everything in our bodies have just been re-wired to say, care, kindness, respect, maturity, love and most importantly, integrity. to jump over and "do it from behind" just after nursing an infant... well... you do the math. Make love to us, starting from the way you touch us. make us feel in every touch that we are safe the way you did the first time, that if there is something we don't want to do, we will not be forced to do it. that if there is something we want to share, it will be a shared experience. Look at us with Love and not lust. When you embrace us, everynow and then it's ok to grope and cop a feel :) we enjoy it too, but come on now...when we near towards you and all you can do is to grab only the parts that you hope will sexually arouse us. HUGE TURNOFF. And it becomes extremelly hard to look at the person you're with with any kind of love. Most days, We would rather stay far far away from you, and the gap gets bigger, just because you can't be decent towards us. I always say: imagine how protective brothers and fathers are about the sister/daughter in the relationship, ready to break any guys hand who will treat her indecently. yet that same man will treat his partner with the same indecency he expects others to contain. it doesn't do much for building Love or trust in your partner.

    Lets just all be considerate towards each other as partners. there are differences. But foster a sense of enjoyment in working out the differences and be patient. But most of all... remember, that loving a person means expect nothing of them and give everything. but be sure to encourage your partner to do the same. NOT pressurize. encourage. HDP's... speak to your LDP... and if nothing comes of it... do not sulk. just Love him or her more in a way that says my love for you is not connected to how far you're willing to bend over for me (literally yes) and LDP's speak to your HDP's that sound less like you think of him/her as a vulture waiting for your carcass because honestly, that;s no way to foster Love (and all the things you want from him/her)

    I'm sorry, for the essay, but I truly hope it can help someone out there feel less lost and hopeless than I did after reading this advice.


    A note to Aaron. please forgive me if I have offended you in anwyway. your article has truth to it, but it also encourages a manipulative relationship. I would like to know why the LDP should find a way to keep the HPD happy when there is NO mention of the HDP finding a way to keep the LDP happy. you are encouraging LDP's to allow themselves to be sexually manipulated by one partner who cannot control their feelings of physical desire.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To strengthen my point. I was once told by my husband after working many late hours... he is too tired to watch a movie with me. I asked him if he would just sit with me while I watched as I wanted to be close to him, we hadn't spent much time together lately. He said no, he feels he needs to go to bed. So I let him. there was no reason to sulk or become upset, i know how hard he worked, it was late at night. Even though it was immensely important to me. When I got to bed and I was tired after watching a movie, he made advances to make love... and When I asked him isn't he tired, he said I'm never too tired to make Love my sweetheart. Beautiful words... but after what just happened... they felt like disrespectful and selfish words. It's ok for his needs to be met, but not mine? encouraging such beaviour will only lead to divorce because you are asking one person (the LDP) to consistently "make room" and find ways to please the other and you are not addressing the issue that the HDP often has expectations that the LDP just cannot meet. that the HDP is also in fact required to back off just a bit and "give it up" in other areas the LDP needs him/her to once in a while.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    A previous poster asked. " I would like to know why the LDP should find a way to keep the HPD happy when there is NO mention of the HDP finding a way to keep the LDP happy."

    Because HDP, like the author of this blog, feel entitled to have sex whenever they want it. As if it's a right. The problem is that another person with a mind of their own (not just a body) is involved. And apparently HE thinks LDP don't matter.

    Aaron hasn't answered questions relating to his last post where he said that the LDP should provide a place for the HDP to have sex. He should really explain that one.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Women don't have to justify not being in the mood as often as men. It's the way we are. Period. Men do not have to have sex 4 days a week. They are not owed sex 4 days a week. Any woman that feels obligated to have sex much more than she wants is creating a monster and will also start to dread it and resent him. He won't ever back off. Men do not ever lose the urge. But men can control that urge. If you feed the addiction, it will only get worse. Start off the marriage only having sex when you want. You are just as important as he is.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Women's largest arrogenous zone is their brain. Stimulate that and I'll let him in me and do what ever he wants to me whenever he wants. End of story.

  1. Realist said...:

    It is amazing how naïve and consistent the female comments are in this blog. Nearly every one of them talk about how unfair it is for women and how tough "we girls" have it. None of you have any comprehension of how it feels to be in a man's body.

    To denigrate men because you believe "he doesn't need it - he won't die" is as insulting as men saying "women don't need love". Men and women of course wont die from lack of either but their lives will become horrible and even unbearable without it.

    You need to wake up to yourself and realise that men and women are different and neither sex can understand how it feels to be in the other's body.

    Instead of trying to work out who's fault it is - the LDP's or HDP's, you need to realise and accept there is actually no solution to this issue - either the woman will be happy having sex when the moment suits (man will be unhappy) or the couple will have sex whenever the man wants (woman will be unhappy)- there is no common ground and you can dress it up any way you want but you can't force what you think is an acceptable amount of sex onto others.

    The only way to get through it is for BOTH parties to try to understand their partners feelings. Neither will get what they want...I REPEAT NEITHER WILL GET WHAT THEY WANT but if you love each other, there will have to be give and take to make the relationship work.

    As hard as it is for women to understand, NO MAN is happy/satisfied/content with having an orgasm 1 or 2 times a week over a long period of time. They are just not wired that way. If men have less they will be unhappy (no matter what they may tell you). As hard as it is for men to understand, NO WOMAN can be happy/satisfied/content with having sex 6 or 7 days a week over a long period of time. There may be occasions when women can have a horny patch and have sex quite a lot over a period of time but for one reason or another, the desire will wane and the usual natural desires of 2 - 10 times per month will return.

    Man's desires WILL NOT CHANGE. Periods, hormones, tiredness, pregnancy, children, housework, income work, WILL NOT change the amount of desire a man has - All of the above WILL change the way a woman desires sex.

    The only way it works is find a partner you love, try to understand what they are going through in their minds/lives and then EACH OF YOU do the best you can to make the other happy. Men will always want more and women will always want less but if you can somehow find a compromise (and still understand and accept that the other may not be totally happy even though you are doing your best)you may just enjoy your relationship a bit more.

    Hope this helps some of you through this horrible mismatch that nature/God has given us mere humans.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My fiance is wayyyy into sex. He wants it 6 times a day with a "weekend marathon". He often says that if i say no I therefore do not love him. I have had the typical 1 in 5 event every girl hates. So when I told my fiance that he could have sex anytime he wanted it was implied it would be with my consent. He actually asked "what if you said no". I automatically flipped out and just got nasty fast. Much like when he says I am very mean to him because sometimes I just want to play video games with him instead. I dont understand why I have to flip out and tear him a new asshole before he says yeah i messed up. Yet he always messes up. I tell him bluntly if you want me to cry and run away keep this up and he feels bad. then its back to damn straight you love me. Can we hanky pank now? I laugh as to keep myself from calling him a bastard. He cries over me saying that, but to force me into sex by guilt is not a problem.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    The man above is correct. Men and women are a mismatch sexually. Compromise on both sides is necessary. The thing is, women always have sex when they really don't want to. Men do not appreciate that. They assume that if they enjoy it, so does she. How many of us fake it so as not to be criticized for just laying there? Every woman I know fakes it on a constant basis. It's almost a joke to have to make the man feel like he is such a good lover. Most are not. A woman's idea of a good lover is way different than a man's. It's such a huge mismatch, gay people are really lucky.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Geez - I thought I was alone until I stumbled on this blog. My wife seems to put sex with her husband somewhere just above cleaning the skirting boards but well below watching some re-run of some crappy movie in terms of importance. Initiating sex is apparently MY job, forever. That means of course, that rejection is now MY problem, not hers. Suggesting something new in the bedroom is apparently my job too. Sometimes I really don't like mowing the lawn, going to work, washing the car etc etc but you know what? I do it, even when I don't feel like it because the end result is worth it and not everything is about what I want.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Dear Counselor:

    I feel like I relate to "Nate", the most here. I find myself always wishing, wanting and carefully walking on ice to make the moment happen. I consider myself helpful, like a "Mr. Mom", the kids adore me and I am sensitive to all her struggles and needs. I would move the earth and stars for her. I make every effort to take her out and do little caring things for her almost daily. I have always craved her and she knows it. I have asked for all of the above when it comes to the alternatives to actual intercourse and it either makes her feel "dirty" or not sexy. When we do have sex and it appears to be not pleasurable for her, I cannot continue and I feel guilty, especially, if I didn't realize it. All the no's and unfulfilled promises for later have taken a horrible toll on me! I want her to want me, be passionate and playful, not necessarily leading to sex. I masturbate to relieve my anxiety, but feel guilty because I feel that I do it too much. My asking and wanting has made her pressured and she has told me it turns her off and so I don't. When I try to talk to her sexually, passionately or "create sex in the mind first", before getting physical, I hardly ever get a response or any reciprocal behavior. I can't begin to tell you how lonely, depressed and physically, deranged I feel. I have a beautiful home, awesome kids and an attractive wife, in every way, yet, I cannot have the lover I need. Sex 1-2x, every 1-3 months is not working for me. In the last 2 years, there have been episodes of 5 or 3 months in between, averaging about 7x/year. I am fit, good-looking, tall, talented and fairly well educated, but down in the dumps. The kids see me frequently sad and withdrawn. I wanted you to have an understanding of my background before my question: How do I get her to understand/follow through that my sexual needs (I'll easily take 1-2x/mo.) is necessary and part of the continuity of our marriage? When is it "OK", for me to demand this change? It seems that, if I push the topic, I will, no matter what, come across an insensitive dog and further drive her away.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Demanding is never ok. I am a 39 yr old woman with a sex drive that is not nearly as high as my husbands. You see, women feel really attracted to men at first. The excitement of a new lover being interested in you is a turn on. For awhile. Then, it's not. Been there, done that. The man doesn't understand why she isn't interested anymore. It's not a lack of love. It's not that she is less interested in sex. She never really was all that keen on sex itself. It's the passion that is the turn on. You can't sustain passion in a long term relationship. Men are all about the act of sex. Women are all about the romance and passion.

    I have been married 10 years. We have sex once or twice a week and for me it's just to keep the peace. I miss being turned on by a new lover, but I don't want a divorce. I love my husband and still think he is attractive, but he doesn't turn me on at all anymore.
    Men have to decide if staying with their wife is more important than having frequent sex with a horny partner. Many men abandon their wife and kids for sex. I personally think that is selfish immature and says a lot about the man's lack of character.

    Marriage has advantages, but passionate, frequent sex isn't one. It's a choice for both. If my husband isn't happy with my level of interest, there's the door. I can't change who I am but I feel that twice a week is compromising for both of us. I suggest you have a calm talk with your wife to try to come to a compromise. If she isn't willing to have sex at least twice a month, she may not value the marriage very much. Talk. Don't get angry. Just talk. Show her this blog.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I think allot of you women dont understand what goes on in our heads. Do you think we want to be this way. That we want to be constantly thinking about sex. Its a real problem. I dont want to cheat on my wife. I love her very much. But it physically hurts how much i feel the need for sex and i dont know what to do about it. Ill masterbate but im almost certain its making it worst by making me think of sex that much more. Im only 30 and im afraid that another 20 years of this and i might make a mistake.

    As unfair as it is for us to demand sex from our partners its just as bad for our partners to dismiss it and not try to meet us half way. Ive read allot of conplaining from women having to deal with there mans sex needs. You women have no idea the pain we go through ever day. And unless youve expirienced it yourself youll never get it. I love my wife and i need help. I cant live this way.

    Please excuse my bad spelling and grammer.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Pain? What kind of pain? I mean, many single men from 15 to 90 never have sex. How do they survive? I'm not a man, and I admit I don't know how hard it is to control the urges but many men do it all the time. Does that make them stronger than you? This reminds me of middle eastern men who demand females cover themselves so as not to arouse men. You must think that is a good idea because of your "pain"?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    You say masterbating makes it worse, that you think about sex more often. That's exactly what happens when women try to satisfy their man by having sex whenever the man wants. The urges grow. They are never satisfied. It IS a problem. It becomes an addiction that's harder and harder to satisfy. No woman wants to deal with that. You give in on Sunday night only to have him talk about it Monday in a way that suggests he will be disappointed if you don't have sex that night. It's a losing battle for women.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Typical women. Take one word from a comment "pain" and you turn it into what you need to make your point heard. Ialso said i didnt want to be this way and that i needed help. But no i said "pain" so forget everything else.

    Can i get a women willing to help instead of judging me. I want help. Please help me

 
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