"My Husband Wants Sex All the Time"

As a  marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples with difficulties surrounding intimacy. It makes sense, right? Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship don't usually feel connected enough to have good sex. The reciprocal is true, too: Couples who don't have good sex usually don't feel connected either. So either way, a lot of couples who come to see me have difficulties with intimacy...even if that's not the focus of treatment.

I got this letter from a follower the other day who talked about a really typical problem a lot of couples face  so I asked them if I could share it on my blog. They gave me permission to share it along with my response on here. All identifying information has been removed to protect anonymity.

Dear Aaron,

I love your blog and articles and I was wondering if I could ask you something. My husband and I have an overall good marriage. We care about each other, there have never been any big problems like affairs or drugs, and we do a lot of things together as a family. Even though there have never been any big problems, we also haven't a lot of excitement in our marriage either. It's been pretty even keel over all. I think it's a good relationship and I'm satisfied with it.

He Wants Sex All The Time


There's always been one issue that we seem to usually argue about. If it weren't for this, our marriage would be a 10 out of 10. That issue is sex. He wants it all the time! At least 2 or 3 times a week! I don't know if this is normal or not, but even when we're not doing it, he's always talking to me about it or making suggestions about it. I feel like they're indirect criticisms of me and I feel a lot of pressure as a result - especially when it's been a few days since we did it last. It's really not helpful in making me want to have sex. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring me and I might want it more but nothing seems to work.

Any information about how to fix this issue so I don't feel so pressured all the time?

Keep writing, Love it,

Blog Admirer


Dear Blog Admirer,

Thanks for being a fan! And thank you for letting me share your letter and response on my blog. This is a very typical problem for a lot of couples. First of all, in every relationship there's always a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And it's not always the man who's the HDP. A lot of times, it's the woman, too. In fact, in my practice it's been about 50/50. And in EVERY relationship, there's usually a sense of frustration from the HDP towards the LDP because they would like more sex and they're not getting it as often as they would like. What normally results is something like you described: The HDP makes comments because they're feeling frustrated and the LDP feels pressure to have sex even if they don't want it

Sex Is a Way To Intimately Connect 


Underneath it all, sex is a way for a couple to connect on an intimate, romantic and vulnerable level. Sex is one thing that we do only with our spouse and with no one else. So it really is a way to connect in a relationship the way you can't connect with anyone else. With that, it carries an extra level of meaning and importance in a relationship - which is often why there are so many fights about it.

Wanting Sex All the Time is Another Way to Say "I Want to Connect with You". 


Tell Him What He Can Do To Help Get You In The Mood


The HDP wants to have sex usually because they want to feel connected. The LDP usually wants to feel connected first before they have sex. One way to help your situation is to give your husband a "roadsign" of what he can do to help get you in the mood first. Saying something like "Honey, I'm not really in the mood right now but I love you and want to get in the mood. If you would do X Y or Z first, that would really help me get in the mood so we can have a rocking time together."

Talk about Sex as a Way to Emotionally Connect 


Another thing that may help is to talk about sex together as a way to emotionally connect not just a physical gratification. Sex is not a meaningless behavior that needs to be done like cleaning the house. Sex is an emotional and intimate thing and should be treated as such. Talk with each other about it on an emotional level. Say things like "I need to feel close to you before we have sex. Mind if we do X Y or Z first?" or "I know you really need sex to feel like I love you. I really want to show you that I love you but I am just not in the mood right now. What can I do to help you come?" You'll feel less pressured and he'll feel less rejected if you talk to each other about sex on an emotional level and not just a behavioral one.

There's lots more I could write about this (and probably will in future posts). Hope this helps for now.

Regards,

Aaron


Related Articles: Intimacy and; Sex: How They're Different and Why You Should Know The Difference.
                          "She Never Wants Sex"

112 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    wow. I have to comment on this. you didn't have any real advice for this girl. I have a similar experience... I was this girl, maybe 14 years ago. I had no idea who to talk to about the problem, and I wanted to keep the peace, so I acquiesced whenever he wanted it, without complaining. As the years went by however, I really started dreading it. I was sick and tired of sex. Finally I decided to talk to him about it.
    I told him how I felt, but it made him so angry he gave me the silent treatment for more than a week. I had read somewhere that scheduling sex for every saturday worked for some couples in this situation, so to try and break him out of the silent treatment, I offered that suggestion. He was not happy, but agreed to try it. This didn't work either. 5 years later, we are still having sex every saturday, but I still dread sex, I find it revolting and if we didn't have kids I'd probably divorce him. This sex issue is serious, but also complicated.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Anonymous, Sorry for the slow reply. And sorry to hear about your situation. Yeah, the whole scheduled sex thing hardly ever works. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, passionate and fun. Scheduling it makes it seem more like a chore. No wonder you resent it.

    I'm sorry to hear that your partner gave you the silent treatment after you tried talking about it. That never helps things - for you or him. Like I said in this post, sex is an expression of intimacy. If you're not feeling passionate or intimate sex will be boring and dreadful. try to do something to ignite some spark in your relationship, and ask him to do the same. See if that helps your sex at all. Feel free to drop me a line and I'd be happy to answer you more in depth if you don't mind it being a blog post.

  1. Jen Strano said...:

    What you aren't addressing here is the lack of mutual respect. if some one says no it means no. My husband wants sex all.the time. He is the HDP, and his libido hasn't slowed down in 20 years, so he acuses me of being old. That is not a turn on either, nor is it fair. I think it's a power struggle. When he lays on top of me and I do not reciprocate for various reasons...mostly.because its 6AM, it shouldn't cause an argument and harsh words. It should be mutually enjoyable. Not a wifely duty. Not scheduled. Not let's wake her up because I'm horny. That's what masturbation is for, and he seems to forgotten how to do it. Plus he gets mad if he finds out I masturbate without him. Can I have no moments of privacy with my body??? When I say you hurt my feelings, he cuts me off with a brusque apology, and is angry. Doesn't want to hear how it makes me feel. And the more.he discounts my feelings, the more strident I become in making my point. And then.there will.be no sex at all after that. We normally have sex on the weekends, 3 or 4 times, and occasionally have sex during the week. We're in our 40s, and have never been the type of couple who has sex on the middle.of.the night.So why wake me up at dawn and expect me to be happy after I said no please stop, get off etc, ,,( and he said don't worry I don't want sex, he .just wanted slurp on my breasts for 10 minutes while I tried to wake up... ew!). That's not respectful, period.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Jen,

    You're absolutely right. Your situation doesn't sound very respectful. It's a catch 22, feeling disrespected makes you not want sex and and when he doesn't get sex he becomes disrespectful. It's a bad cycle.

    Apparently, when you try to tell him you're feeling disrespected he doesn't take it very well and he gets mad uses harsh words, etc. Your body is yours and that should be respected. You should be also be respected. If it's been going on for 20 years, it's probably time to see a counselor. Nobody likes to see a counselor but it may be better than putting up with the disrespect and having unsatisfying sex for another twenty years.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I felt as lost after reading article as I did when I started it. Advice on how to make situation better and improve relationship is what is needed. Bill and I have been married for a year we are middle aged couple. Every day I hear it...."fred" wants you to come play with him...lets fool around, just touch him one time....etc etc we have sex two times a week but never when I want. it all him. its all about him. I work hard 10 hours a day and come home to clean house, cook dinner, take care of dogs etc. my body is also going through changes, we are renovating house with brunt on me. I have NO DRIVE but he doesn't respect that. I am neglecting him etc How do I let him know to chill down without attacking him? why cant he understand I desire him but I am tired and body says not now? I love him and I love to just lay with him and cuddle and touch but sex just isn't on my wish list right now. he takes is personally and it is ruining an otherwise awesome relationship. if I say my period started again or I don't feel good he will say I will do anything to get out of sex or don't worry I wasn't going to ask you to have sex. that hurts me so bad because I cant stop my period and I really don't feel good. it seems like everything revolves around sex in one way or another. I just want to be a wife and partner. (willing non pressured one) how can I help bill and I continue to grow as a couple and be more responsive and respectful in the sexual side of the house? the tears need to stop and I need a way to convey I want and desire him but making love is just not in me right now. thank you

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Anonymous,

    My advice to you is the same as I gave to the woman in the article. Give your husband a sign of what he can do that will help put you in the mood. His pressuring and criticizing obviously isn't doing it for you (no wonder). Instead of telling him what NOT to do, try telling him what he can do. Men are usually happy to do what it takes to get sex so if you tell him what he can do he might actually do it. And then you might enjoy sex as well. It's a win/win for both of you.

    Sex is an important part of a relationship. In fact, sex is the only thing we share with our spouses that we don't share with anyone else. It really is essential in a relationship - the same as talking, etc. If your body is going through changes and you just can't do it right now talk about things that you CAN do with each other that pleases both of you: oral sex, manual stimulation, etc. There are ways to be sexual without having sex that is pleasing to both of you. Talk openly and willingly about it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What can you do to make him leave you alone completely. No foreplay no sex just cuddling. I think that's what pier asking. Just the man getting over the mood of having sex every day.its ridiculous it just makes the woman look at the man as a begging dog.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi anonymous, if you want to him to just leave you alone completely with no sex then divorce him. Sex is an important part of a marriage. Like I said in the post, it's the only thing you share with your spouse that you don't share with anyone else. It helps a couple create passion, spark and intimacy. If you want to be married but with no sex why not just find a good roommate?

  1. A Northwest Mature Lady said...:

    He is 68 and I'm 56. I love sex and always have. Problem, he wants it all the time. Sometimes I am fine with it, other times I just give in and try to get into it. He is very considerate in making sure I'm happy, it's just ALL THE TIME. My gosh, sometimes when he passes out I check if he is breathing. I think he has an OCD kind of problem with his manhood equating to sex. Help.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Mature Lady,

    Glad to hear your sex life is so passionate! You're actually right in that some men have an OCD kind of problem about sex. Tiger Woods is a good example of this. And that's why there's treatment centers out there that are focusing more specifically on sexual addictions. If he wants it all the time to the point that it's creating problems in your marriage encourage him to see a counselor. It might be that he equates his manhood to how much sex he is having but it could be something else. Only a counselor will be able to help him sort that out. Encourage him to see a counselor and one that specializes in sex therapy.

    Regards,

    Aaron

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow Aaron,

    I feel bad for you. These people don't seem to understand that sex=love. My husband and I are together for 5 years and going. We seem to have a good sex life. Sometimes...he would be too much. He seems to have a higher sex drive then I do. Many times he would have sex with me while I'm asleep or when I'm drunk. Do you think I should tell him to stop? I've tried and he said that I liked it but when I told him no, he seems sad and upset. What should I do? Scary part is, sometimes he doesn't even remember anything. :(

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi Aaron,
    Thank you for the informative blog post.
    In your post you state to let your partner know what he can do to get you in the mood. I know this may sound silly but I have no clue what I could tell him that would get me in the mood. I'm so full of frustration, hurt and sadness that I really don't know what will get me in the mood. We've done counseling and the therapist has even told him to back off and to let me go to him when Im ready but he's just ignored her advice. We've only been married 10 months and are already talking about divorce. Any help on this is appreciated.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi anonymous, if even you don't know what it would take to get in the mood it may be time to go see a counselor for yourself. There are lots of reasons for this. Your sadness, hurt, etc may be keeping you from being able to accept romantic gestures. Either way, if it's to the point where you are confused about yourself you're the only one who can fix that. It's probably time to see a counselor for you.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Maybe the husband is not very busy at work. If he is overworked then he might forget about having sex. If he has a lot if time on his hands, you can expect that he will be so preoccupied with sex

  1. oceanlady said...:

    A man that demands sex on a constant basis has a sexual addiction, simple as that. The excuse that sex is an obligatory part of marriage is an outrage! Re-evaluate your advise Mr Anderson. If a woman is exhausted, sick, or anything then he should not persist the situation. Sexual addicts will manipulate and belittle you into doing what they want with little consideration for anyone or anything else. There are TWO people in a marriage and sex should be enjoyed by both parties not just the addict. I'm so upset at every single response in this post that I feel like running down the street while burning my bra!

    My advise is this, tell him that you do not want to have sex because you are tired, sick, or just plain not in the mood. If he persists, tell him to go masterbate. If he threatens you to leave or to cheat then let him leave and file for a divorce. Trust me, I know addicts and their actions never change. Either he considers you or you take control of your life and ask him to leave. Kids or no kids, you are a human being not a piece of meat that is obligated to please a man because a piece of paper or a book that was written thousands of years says so.

    But if you want to believe all the nonsense written in this post about what a marriage is supposed to be, then I suggest you don't wander too far off shore either because you may fall off the edge of the earth!

  1. Sara said...:

    I think for many women, the real issue isn't being addressed. I think it has a lot to do with being comfortable in our own skin. I hate my body (as do most women thanks to the media's idea of what is beautiful) and so I really hate sex. I'm self conscious about what I look like from head to toe. I know he's not focusing on that.. heck he is nearly blind without his glasses so its not like he can see any way! But I am not comfortable with myself. My guy is perfect about it all..he's reassuring, he tells me I'm beautiful every day, he NEVER pressures me... it is 100% on me. And yes, I have tried lingerie..and it helps only slightly until I start worrying about how I look in it. And we can turn the lights off but I will just focus on how fat I feel. Sex in general triggers a "danger danger!" Response in my brain for absolutely no reason.

    Sometimes I will get drunk just to shut my brain up and we have great sex! But that is only a solution for the symptom. So I have identified the problem but cannot find the answer. I see similar stories all over message boards on all corners of the internet but its a dilemma no one seems to have advice on.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    2-3 times a week at a minimum is considered healthy for both partners.

    My wife didn't like sex, not with me anyway. She had an affair with a woman (also married with kids) after 15 years of marriage and two kids and left. It was traumatic for the whole extended family. There are some married people who manage to discover they have a same sex attraction and manage it with integrity, but that was not my situation.

    If you think this might be the case for you then PLEASE don't act selfishly, work with your partner, the person who is committed to you, think of everyone involved. Nobody cared much about the gay aspect, just that she used it an excuse for her behavior and wrecked two homes in the process.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is a sex addict.. He wants it 4 times a day every day.. It is wearing me down.. I have now stopped having sex completely. Now I'm not having sex with him he wants me to pleasure him by masterbating him, 4 times a day, more if I would. If I say no he goes into a mood, and will keep me awake at night with his inability to sleep until I am so tired I give in just so he will sleep! I feel disgusting and dirty and don't want to go to bed with my husband anymore. I do love him as he is a kind man and a great father, but his constant need for sex has stopped me fancying him anymore. Wish I could leave him, I have tried but I keep going back because of the guilt trip he puts on me.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband wakes me up at 0430 wanting sex. When I work I work nights and when I come home I am tired and again he wants sex. I tried to tell him he always picks the wrong times to want sex. He tells me I don't make him a priority but I feel that he doesn't care if I sleep or not just as long as his penis is cared for. I always feel pressured. I ask him what his plans are for the day and he says well after you make me cum I will get things done. I immediately get upset. I had a uti for two weeks and he made me feel bad becuase a darn hand job isn't enough. I don't know about these other woman but I'm to a point I hate sex and I'm thinking of leaving him after five years. It is just to much anymore. I don't even want to flirt like I use to.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Oceanlady I agree.... I came on this blog to seek advice and I'm appalled at some of the advice given. I feel that if I say I'm not in the mood tonight it should be just that with no further questions asked. Your advice is the best I've seen yet!!

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Sara,

    You talk about something that is a bigger problem than a lot of people realize. A lot of people aren't sexually available to their spouse because of their own discomforts (about their body image, their personal beliefs or embarrassment about sex). I'm glad to hear you found ways to feel good about yourself because that's EXACTLY what needs to happen with people with those problems. Thank you for your comment. I think it'll be helpful for many people reading this.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    OceanLady,

    I don't think we actually disagree. Whenever there is a sexual addiction the onus is on the addict to fix their problems in order to have a healthy and functional relationship. I didn't talk about sexual addiction in the article, though. This article was focused towards relationships without sexual addiction.

    That said, a sexual relationship is a healthy part of a romantic relationship. And for a romantic couple to have a full relationship with romance and passion, sex is necessary (how frequent or not is irrelevant). As you said, there are two people in the relationship. It's understandable that your angry at your partner but don't forget to consider your own contributions as well.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I love him. I miss him everyday. But he not only wanted sex everyday but he couldn't finish. This was an issue that started early in our marriage. I thought maybe it was because we were both not so experienced. But as we got more comfortable at it and as the years went by, nothing changed. Well, except for his desire to have more. And then he added porn into the mix and it just made things worse. I talked to him about it and asked him to get help. But he said it was all in my head. If I said no, he wouldn't talk to me anymore until the next time he wanted it and this seemed to be the only time he was ever happy, was right after sex. Yet it didn't last long. I tried. I really tried to get into it and to encourage him to finish. I tried for so many years. But it finally got to the point where I started feeling cheap. Where I started feeling like I didn't matter. I finally had to get a divorce. And to this day, he blames me and hates me because he say's it is all my fault. Who knows.. maybe it's true.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I sure wish I had some of these women's problems. I am a divorced mom of two kids that spend every night with me. I am seeing a divorced dad of two kids who has only two nights off from his kids. We are lucky if we are able to get together twice a month, since we can only get together during the week, have to wait for my kids to be asleep, and then get up at 5:30 the next morning. Sex with this man is an incredibly deep and satisfying experience, both physically and emotionally, and if I could have him every day I would be over the moon.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'll try to keep my question simple, because after reading all this I could say a lot. Your article says that his wanting sex is his wanting to connect with her. Question is: why can't HE find a different way to connect...why is it always SHE who has to find a way to want sex because he wants sex? And I don't mean only he should find another connection, he and she would be involved; my point is simply why does the connection always have to be sex instead of...anything else...from tennis to xbox? Your article comment annoyed me but obviously its because I relate. He wants sex 4 times a week. 4 times a month is more than enough for me. He knew sex was a low priority for me 19 yrs ago. In the beginning it didn't matter, whether because we were young, newly in love or some other reason, we did it enough to please us both. But after 19 yrs, 4 pregnancies, raising kids ("a mom's job...dad's job is to support the family financially"), pets, his varied work hours so for awhile its sex at 11pm before he goes to work then again when he gets home midmorning and the older ones are at school and the baby is asleep but his job changes so then its just an unsatisfying for me quickie whenever he wants because he has to get to sleep (he didnt recognize my need for sleep all the years I was up at night with babies! I'd come back to bed and he'd say "oh you're awake? Wanna do it?" And I'd have to because when I said no he'd be mad I was giving more attention to baby than to him.) Work layoff -he wants it anytime of day. Back to work and now he wants long foreplay sessions and stays up hours later than I want to because his hours changed. I feel like I'm in a pinball machine-4am...11pm...2am I get used to one schedule and then it changes. Since sex is Not a priority for me anytime I say no he accuses me of cheating, which I've never done. He doesn't like my parenting style, refuses to eat a healthy diet which has caused me health problems instead if him because we can't afford to buy both junk food and the healthy stuff, has no respect for what I clean or wash-evident by making messes everywhere and not cleaning up. So after I'm tired and frustrated and feel worthless-& been accused of cheating!-I'M the one with the problem because a wife shouldn't refuse sex to her husband? I'm Christian but I can't accept that!

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Anonymous,

    Great sex and a great relationship are woven tightly together. It's very seldom that couples have one without the other. That's why sex is important in a relationship. You've mentioned several examples of how your relationship is not good because of work schedules, health, insults, etc. No wonder your sex life is bad. You can't have a bad relationship and have a good sex life. Don't put too much weight on you, here. There are two contributors to any relationship.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Man,if a woman is treated with respect and love she's feeling mistreating and degraded. my opinion is that all women should just become lesbian. because why get married why have kids why do you need a man,become a lesbian don't hide your true feelings.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It's amazing how many idiotic clueless comments that have been posted trying to disagree with the article.

    Pissing in the wind and disagreeing with natural order is the same thing.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am in the same situation as most women here. My husband wants sex all the time. However, I let him know that my other needs are not being met so why should I meet your needs? This makes him either 1) Think about what I said or 2) Just forget of ever asking me in the first place. This may not work for all women but it works for me. One thing I want to share is men can and will manipulate to get what they want. This includes sex addicts too! But a woman should ALWAYS know her identity BEFORE entering into any marriage and not allow a man to GIVE her an identity by demeaning her; insulting her character or disrespecting her to the point she feels worthless. That is pure control! Lady's with low-self esteem please, please love YOU first, take care of you FIRST. A man should take notice and if he doesn't then you should know what you are married to. A Self Centered man! If a man cares for only of HIS needs. This should be communicated to him immediately. With love, of course. Yes, sex is to bond and to share something very special between a husband and wife. He may be HDP, this does not mean just to give him what he wants just because a woman suppose to. Masturbation is always available for him. There must be some form of communications with both parties if a woman feels indifferent to sex. There shouldn't be any resentment to have sex or making love; getting annoyed when he ask. I am a woman that has feelings and want to be noticed, loved, cuddled and listen to at all times. This should be reciprocated. My husband got the message that if he wants sex, he must understand to give in order to receive. I'm not the kind of woman that will let my husband do what ever he wants when he wants it. Balance is the key. Marriage is work. Sex is to reinforce the love shared outside of the bed. Men are to conscientiously making love to his woman in bed and out. "A Million Ways to Love a Woman" By Will Downing, a beautiful song that any woman can relate to. This song share how a man stimulates his woman mentally, emotionally and physically. Another thing, if a husband loves a woman for who she is (being a little over weight) or whatever the case may be. Accept his words "I love you no matter what" HE LOVES YOU AND ONLY YOU! Furthermore, A REAL MAN WOULD NOT IGNORE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR, PERIOD! A lot of a times, a woman thinks she married a man, when in actual reality she married an immature man, I call him; a boy. He just needs to grow up to be THAT man and husband in her life. Woman are emotional creatures, we like a lot of emotional bonding. First, a woman must take care of herself by taking time to do things she likes and enjoying it. A husband should understand and realize this and be supportive. If not then maybe things should be evaluated between the two of you. When there is a lot on your plate, like taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else need to be done. A man should really understand this. It's not calculus? When your tired, he should respect that and keep the peace in the marriage. My husband does not come home demanding sex or make me have sex or have sex in my sleep. Personally, that's like rape to me. NO means, NO! If a man have respect for a woman prior marriage, then where did the respect go after saying "I DO?" It shouldn't ever be his way or her way but both ways, understanding each other in everything. He either respects who I am or we need to reconsider our marriage. Though, I believe my husband is a sex addict I tell him this. He may get angry and for what? That is something to really think about. Why should I be concern of someone that does not have that same considerations of my feelings? Crazy! I am a woman, A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING WOMAN that should be treated in that manner. Women MUST be strong and always know her identity of who she is. A woman should Never lose herself while trying to please her husband or anyone else. God in heaven NEVER intended it that way.

    ~2lovable4u

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is always asking for sex or talking about it and its a big turn off if i say no e wont talk to me for days and then he expects me to jump into bed with him but i cant just turn my feelings on and off like a tap so he gets into a mood again and turns it round to be my fault and says am cold towards him now he says i have got to make a decision about our marriage he never says he loves me he is not romantic but its my fault

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I think the problem with most women attacking Aaron here is they don't understand for men to feel trust and connected we need to feel desired and needed sexually. For women to want sex they usually need to feel comfort trust and connected to their partner beforehand
    beforehand. Either way...Sex is about love. That's how it is for me. So if a woman doesn'. Feel that way as men we feel it's because you don't feel connected to us which then makes us feel disconnected from you. Its an emotional need for me MUCH more than a physical one. I need it to feel loved and wanted.
    ....this is the case for every guy I have spoken to. I try to make.my girlfriend feel love trust and connected...if she doesn't want sex.it makes me feel like I'm.not doing.my.job as.her boyfriend by.fulfilling her emotional needs....maybe u girls who are bitching.should try see it from another.point.of view...


    par

  1. anonymous said...:

    So at the end of the day where is the balance so both parties can be happy? My husband and I have a great relationship but some days (not all the time) I'm just not in the mood! But when I tell him that he catches an attitude and gets all pissy. So i,find myself just going through the motions just to keep the piece. Do men understand wat it feels like to have sex when u really don't want to? Sounds like rape doesn't it? Now I'm in a position where I'm less and less aroused because at this point my feelings don't even matter. I don't think that's fair. The real question is how do we find that balance where he is happy and I'm happy too? And don't give me that crap about tell him how to get me in the mood because if it really were that simple this would not be an issue. You can be the master of foreplay but if I'm not in the mood then I'm not in the mood period.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I have the same issue and it has been the same issue for 20+ years. He wants sex all the time and when he can't have it all the time, we fight and not just about sex…about everything. I feel like he would have sex with anyone laying in the same bed with him, it has nothing to do with me. It has NOTHING to do with connecting…PLEASE…He is horny at 4am and wakes me up! SO FREAKING DISRESPECTFUL!! Unless we did it the night before and then it might be 6am before he asks if I'm ready for round 2. He forgets that we may have had sex 2 or 3 nights ago and will claim we haven't had sex for a week…which is insulting but more importantly…its like someone telling me I haven't shown up for work, never mind the implication that sex is my job, but I have shown up. I do enjoy sex and I climax 99% of the time, I'm engaged, I'm very comfortable with my body and I think I'm pretty good:) But sex is not my job, its not a debt i have to pay, I'm not obligated because I'm married…I do it because I want to. Now if he wanted to spontaneously ask for sex, I'd probably concede the majority of the time. But he asks everyday, several times, like a child who wants to eat candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. And its not just a request its a NAGGING WHINE. When I lay in bed with him, there is no adult conversation, there is only groping and dry humping until Im annoyed and then the silent treatment…Which by then I'm fine with . That's not it, then he will almost sleep in pain and complain like he is in agony all night long…I need my sleep so that just makes me angry and his chances for the day have just been greatly reduced. It would be nice if he would BACK OFF and wait for me to want it…OMG what a concept!!! Its almost like a greedy, rich man who just wants more money every day, never caring how he gets it, never appreciative of how much he already has!!! Because IMO my husband is a rich man, in that he has me…so stop being so damn greedy!! :) That felt good…:) I have no great advice but the grass is never greener and I'm not sure a sexually-appreciative man exists. But if you are considering lesbianism I say kudos…unfortunately when I have sex I want it to be with a man…otherwise, I consider lesbians genius. You could decide to divorce and throw everything out the window because of a personality flaw…there are a ton of disadvantages to that scenario BUT the benefit would be that whenever you wanted sex you could find a man to give it to you and never have to deal with the begging:) Good Luck Ladies!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well I felt my husband was an addict...I told him he will have sex with me Everest except when my friend comes to visit....he laughed...I felt like sex became a job...he worked early hours and made me feel like I needed to have sex before he goes to sleep...it can be in the middle of guest ova...that was crazy...but then I was diagnosed with H pylori...which lowered my labido...and then I'm working 2 jobs...I was tired and wanted down time...but he didn't consider that...he always wanted sex even before I can b arroused...so sometimes sex was painful...I tlked to him ova and ova about our sex life....on top of that we argued a lot...he had no respect...so how did he exspect me to feel sexual ...I felt I was the only one who cared about our marriage...so for the last time he asked me for sex...I said we have to fix our marriage he rant and rage ...said he was going to cheat...he left 3 days later and hasn't return...its been almost 2wks...he was and still selfish...of all the Times I could have and should have walked out on his ass...and yes stop tryanna make a woman feel sex is the only connection...if so then any relationship is doomed from the door...men have to take responsibilities of how they care for the relationship just as much as the woman...we can't bear the weight all on us bcuz they belive they deserve sex bcuz their our husbands...connect...Men I decree please learn go to sessions read books study a woman's personality...dnt b selfish and think she come with instructions...learn about a woman...find out what makes her happy and that does not mean b a yes man...but b a genuine man she will b glad to 1day call her husband...to all the woman that going through this...keep the faith take care of urself...move slowly and study...so u can begin to knw the signs in the next
    guy u dnt want to have a relationship with...Peace and Blessings

  1. Paris said...:

    The only thing that I have to say after reading all these post ladies is to quit your Nagging and Moaning and Continue to Please your mate! Because if he doesn't get it from you, trust me, he will get it from somewhere else! That is why relationships do not last, people are too busy complaining about the small things, instead of appreciating the good things! You should feel good that your husband or mate still wants to have sex with you, and on a regular basis! This means that he is still attracted to you and desires you, sex is just his way of showing it! What if he didn't come on to you when he got horney? What if he stopped paying you attention all together sexually? You ladies would still be on here complaining, Only this time, you would be nagging and moaning about how he doesn't want to have sex! I say to all you ladies on here, get a life, stop complaining, and stop being so emotional. Appreciate the fact that your mate still wants you and Take care of your man! Cause if you don't, the next woman will!

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hey Paris,

    Be careful here. Telling a woman (or anyone for that matter) to do it anyway even if they don't really want to is only going to cause more problems and more resentment. The key is to identify why you don't want to do it, and ask yourself if you're being your true sexual self that you want to be. Lots of wives blame their lack of sexual desire on their partner. They key is to take ownership of your own sexual wants and make direct requests as a result.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Anonymous who has been married 20+ years and believes her husband is an addict:

    I often find that one common reason men want really frequent sex is because the sex they're getting isn't great so they substitute quality for quantity. This sounds like your scenario. I don't know what started it but it doesn't really matter because either one will stop it. You can continue to increase the quantity or try to increase the quality. Just a thought.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi, I am 22 and my fiancé is 25. Next year we are going to get married but I am already feeling pressured about this stuff. Yet we only do oral sex, but whenever we are alone at home or in the car his mind is just about this stuff. Whenever we do Oral sex, it is nearly always about me trying to pleasure him. It's really getting boring and I don't know what should I do. I don't like to feel pressured. What shall I do. I am not one who never wants to do stuff and talk about it but I only want this stuff like 2 times a week, but his mind is just there whenever we are alone, and whenever I try to tell him that I don't like the fact that all that matters for him is this staff when we are alone his answer will be " Me? I feel hurt when you tell me this stuff, how can you tell me these things if we never did sex. What do you say about others, nearly everyone have sex before marriage.. I help you a lot in your studies and staff and you know that my mind is not just in these things".
    It's true he helps me a lot in my life and I do as well when I can, but I feel annoyed and very pressured when I know that we are going to be alone (we will be alone almost every day in the evenings). maybe I have a problem, I don't know what should I do. Should I get married?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What a load of bullshit! You have plenty of advice but it is not based on experience (I can tell) that is what is needed here, I have plenty of experience of this subject (14 years) and have read countless things tried thing', it ddoesn't work!!! I really wish people would stop pretending to know it all!!!

  1. Blaq Beatz said...:

    Ocean Lady, I think you're getting it all wrong. Some important issues about marriage are not to be taken for granted or ignored. I think what you need to understand about Mr Anderson's advice is how to get the LDP Partner to at least connect with the HDP partner, no matter what. There has to be a balance cos someone is high and the other is low. It was clearly stated that there other ways one can feel sexually satisfied without the real penetration thing. The truth is, is you keep turning him down with those" Not in the mood excuse" he gets angry, but if you at least try other ways, othr passionate ways, it gets better and somehow you're very much free a little from the pressure. This is a bond, you can't do this with someone else unless your partner. That alone should tell you how important and necessary it is. That alone should also make you have other ways of making it happen whenever it's tuned. That alone make you wanna even connect more to that and that's the ONLY thing God designed for marriage as a food for the soul. I hope this makes sense.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I can't belive all the ungreatful woman here complaining because they are being wanted by there partners you should be ashamed. I myself found this article because my partner does not crave sex as much as I do. A lot of the problems and stress and arguing is because I do not feel satisfied and connected with her. I tried to find a solution by showing her this article and she just refused to read it, by not wanting to read this or fix our relationship is basically telling me to f*** off and showing that she doesn't care . I love her and our two baby girl toddlers I don't know what to do I would give my life for them? We have been together for about 8 years and have started having problems the last two to three years I am 31 and she is 27. Sex was awesome best ever in the beginning but now it seems as if she became boring and old, I myself am full of energy and enjoying being happy of course curently lacking sex from a female.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Sex is what? 5- 10 minutes of your time 3 minutes if your good at it.
    3-4 Times a week. c'mon just get it out the way, move it along. The only alternative is to split.

  1. Nate said...:

    I'm the HDP partner in a marriage that's nearing on 5.5 years. I've tried anything and everything to help the situation. And my day to day life is still a struggle.

    To the ladies who say "just leave me alone and let me come to you" -- I've done this. It doesn't work. When I leave my wife alone, it takes her ~30 days before she stops and thinks "why do I feel disconnected from my husband?" If I regularly point out my interest, my excitement, and/or my needs then it's 2 to 3 times a month. However, my "bantering" is "annoying as fuck" and makes her feel less interested in being close. But, statistically it's the better plan. And I hate it. I hate understanding the cause and effect.

    Before I accepted that my wife was a LDP (by a strong margin), I would get home from work anxious as to whether tonight was going to be my lucky night. It took years to build up the rule book of excuses of why tonight was not a good night. I would ask questions that more or less would rule out subsets of excuses like "did you have a long day?" or "have you had a chance to shower today?" But she got creative on the days when I thought all of the common excuses were covered.

    And so she was always showering me with excuses that have relatively easy and simple fixes. I could never understand why she wouldn't fix these things so that she and I could share a closer relationship. Later I realized; she just doesn't want to be close to me. It was simply her reaction to having learned if she says 'no' outright that there are unintentional side-effects to the rejection.

    Later, we took a couples communication class. We learned to try saying 'when' instead of saying 'no'. But that was disastrous for us. I would believe that she was actually interested in trying that night, or the next day or whatever. And I would watch, as if by the side-lines, how the common excuses would introduce themselves. A lack of a shower, or watching one episode turn into six. I would ask, "hey are you still interested in tonight?" when I get home from work. Her response was always "yes". It seemed like she would do anything and everything to avoid ever being close. And it drove me insane. It hurt my self esteem and I felt more rejected than ever. My mind was at ease during the "waiting period." (the first and the second and the third... etc). I didn't think about being close, I didn't feel rejected. But, when those rain checks expired (or were renewed) I felt worse and worse and worse and worse. It was like I was deferring the rejection only to cash it in at a later time with an additional interest charge + late fees.

    Now, we're at a point where we communicate much better. She knows where I come from. I know where she comes from. We both agree that for us to have a rewarding relationship that she has to work (unfortunately!) on trying to be available physically. And I know I have to work (unfortunately!) trying to avoid being pushy, and whiny, and avoid showing when I feel rejected. But it doesn't fix the problem; she can't hold up her end of the bargain. And now I'm required to shoulder that rejection and disappointment on my own.

    I'm torn... even a divorce to reset things will just tear me apart. I could never support two families all by myself... and so I feel like if there is any out it's with my motorcycle over a cliff edge. And even then, to fix the physically disconnected problem I'd be creating two other problems -- 1) my life insurance has a capped pay-out and 2) neither my wife nor children give a damn about the problem I'd fixed and instead they lose me.

    I just feel trapped, used, and I hate myself. I hate being married to someone who can't give me the only thing I can't give myself. Masturbation only reminds me to what extent she avoids being close to me - and let me tell you; it is so depressing.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To a person who wrote
    Sex is what? 5- 10 minutes of your time 3 minutes if your good at it.
    3-4 Times a week. c'mon just get it out the way, move it along. The only alternative is to split.

    LOL seriously? You cant even get your pants off in that time. Sex in my house is at least 30+ minutes.
    And he makes sure I always finish. If im not in the mood I sometimes just suck it up and still do it.
    He has always wanted more than me even when dating and doing it every day every other day he would watch porn and do himself on an off day. Now after 2 kids and 7 years together he still wants that. I dont Im just not that interested. BUT when we took a week off and went to a tropical vacation for a week just 2 of us it was fun to do it every day since you have no responsibilities. Im just tired and sleep is more important usually. He tries not to pressure me and makes it out NO SEX FOR A MONTH when it has been a week that is soooo annoying. He has accused me of cheating also - and I dont. He just does not get it I dont really care. And all he has to do is to get me horny and be nice about it... if you piss me off the im mad Im not a light switch and can enjoy someone when the have been an ass few hours before... So I shoot for at least once a week and rest of the time he can have fun with himself. If he does not like it or thinks he deserves mere/better/bigger things then he is welcome to divorce me I do love him but I am not anyone's slave. And yes its true headache hurts, and period cramps hurt and there is a PMS for a week so unless you are nice and considerate you are not getting any. Sorry but that's life. Its unreasonable to expect this amazing spontaneous sex every day when you have houses cars jobs and kids.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Mate, I know exactly how you feel.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Is anyone being honest here.. When we (me. Or women) want to have sex with you, you should be happy, if you have no interest, don't ,like sex, the marriage makes little sense long term. Why would we as a modern society not match those HdP and LDP with a matching. Partner, and ...why would we not teach our kids what to expect, loom for and ask questions about this?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Coming from a man perspective: ladies, having sex on the regular makes a man happy as we all know; that is how we feel loved. It is equivalent as a man telling his woman that he love her to make her feel loved. Sex whenever the partner wants it is will make a relationship go a long way. If you are not able to have sex due to medical issues or whatever, find other means to please your partner. He/she will feel loved and he will be happy enough to truly express his love for you. Because I really love my wife but I never tell her how I feel because I feel sexually deprived. Once I get sex I can then express my feelings and not be depressed and just revert to playing video games to avoid thinking about sex. Btw we have sex on the weekend and if I'm lucky on a weekday, but sometimes that is not enough. I just don't get it!!! Women can sit there and get on Facebook or watch other people lives on tv ( reality shows) all day everyday but be ready to get a divorce when it come to pleasing their man for less than 30 minutes. You man think we are being mean or addicts but it really does hurt our feelings when she don't want too have sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I feel awful for all your husbands...wow no wonder men cheat. It seems you women equate sex to sex and not to a connection. Or being ridiculously selfish and not even wanting your partner to feel good with a bj or hj I think you need to give your heads a shake

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi I read this and thougt it would help me out. I have a boyfriend and I have been with him for 5 years he always wants sex and he is always talking about it and he wants me to be more sexual and be more adventurous but I am not like that at all and its annoying because i keep trying to tell him that but he just gets angry and says whats the point in being in this relationship and that hurts and upsets me because I love him. I am sexual some times but not all the time like he wants me to and I dont know what to do. Any advice?

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi anonymous, your sexual preferences are your prerogative to have. If he's pushing you to be more adventurous trying things you're not comfortable with that's not healthy in the relationship at all. one thing that is often helpful for couples (as I've said several times on here) is that instead of just saying no and leaving it, talk it out. explain to him why it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him to understand your wishes and come up with other things that you're both comfortable with.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    The advice on here actually made me feel sick. If a child asks their uncle to stop having sex with them should the uncle stop and leave them alone or should they persuade the child to tell him of what things provoke sexual desire in the body? It is perfectly possible to be turned on sexually but to really really not want to have sex - I'm sure we can all relate to the time we have felt turned on completely inappropriately and just been very grateful that no-one else around us is aware that we are turned on. Why therefore is it the woman's responsibility to tell the man how to turn her on when SHE JUST DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX??? Sex is a privilege, not a God given right. Lots of people cannot have sex for various reasons. We expect paedophiles to control their desires for the entirety of their lives, we expect people who are attracted to animals to control their urges. What is so different about a man with a high sex drive?? I would not say sex is the only thing characterising a romantic relationship - a desire to live together, a commitment to work on relationship difficulties, a close and loving bond, a knowledge of how someone lives, these also characterise these relationships. The expectation that a woman meets her husbands needs sexually characterised marriages before feminism, before we even believed in equality of men and women and in the period of time where rape within marriage was not recognised in law. I feel that none of the responses (except I didn't read all of them because they were making me feel ill) actually deal with a very important and it would seem wide-reaching problem: what to do when your partner wants sex and you don't, they claim it's affecting their ability to function and put pressure on you to have sex but your mental health is being seriously affected by the pressure you are being put under. Catch 22.

  1. J-Rod said...:

    Gay Relationship;
    My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs. when we first started dating we were happy and not stressed out we had no issues with sex. The last couple yrs have been alittle stressful for the both of us. Due to some unforseen issues. Can stess and anxity be a cause of low sexual drive?
    My parter spends just about ever sec of his day thinking or ingaging in sexual pleasure. May it be browsing Applications like Grindr or hiting up the spa just so he can JO looking at xxx pics on Twitter.. I feel as tho my bf is more about sex then actually connecting on all the other different levels of a relationship. I love hooking up with him but sometimes I feel as though he puts a lot of pressure on sex so it tend to make it more like a job. He has OCD and likes to have it his way. If I try to talk to him about any of it he always gets upset and finds some way to spin it and make it my fault. He always accuses me of Naggin and whining but a lot of the time its him who is doing it. He gets offened if I even question him on anything. sometimes he spends more time on his phone than actually being in the moment. I want to connect with him so we may have a better sexual relationship. I have tried meditation but he gets bored, He gives me massages to help me relax and that helps us to connect. But even that sometimes causes an issue because he doesn't think he should have to do that all the time. If anyone can help please coment me . thanks!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I feel u on that one g

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We are both responsible for the state of our marriage. In the beginning we had frequent enjoyable sex. I didn't always want to have sex, but I wasn't opposed either, so I continued to meet his needs. It started to get really old when I found myself having sex by simply smiling at him. Anything was a come on to him. Eventually I began to decline, but it didn't matter what my excuse, he would argue manipulate, and pester until he had his way. I have had sex when I was running a 103 fever because "Oh, you are so hot...you feel so good." I simply was too exhausted to continue the argument. When I had stomach flu he was considerate enough to turn me around and do me doggy style so that he wasn't putting pressure on my stomach. What a guy. In the beginning I believed he would eventually grow up and appreciate all I did for him. We have 3 children and we both work. During my pregnancies he never lifted a finger to help me, I still did all the housework, mowed the lawn cooked, shopped for groceries. He didn't even fix things around the house. But, he certainly thought my pregnancy was all about him. My big boobs, and the other changes in my body excited him. But, if I would say I have a craving can you get me ice cream. He would say, I'm not falling for that craving bull crap. I am guilty of not standing up to him, of enabling him. We are not having sex very often anymore He has admitted how selfish and stupid he was. I try to see him in a different light, I try to relax when he touches me, but I cannot. He touches me and I cringe and wish I was anywhere but there. I sometimes will give him sympathy sex because I feel sorry for him, I know he is feeling rejected and unloved. But, when I do I feel like crap, but I know I did it to myself. It is a catch 22. Not having sex isn't the answer, but I can't continue to let myself be used. Some of the answers on here do not sit well for me. If I tell him, I will have sex with you if you do X Y & Z means I will have sex for a price, what am I a prostitute? We have been down that road, and it ends with he will pick up his dirty socks give me a leering look and throw me on the bed. He thinks he gets to decide when my price has been met. I am not interested in foreplay to get me in the mood. I can tolerate a quickie but if he tries to make love with me, it is unbearable. Did I mention that after about 7 or 8 years of marriage I decided to visit my parents. He was worried because he would have to go 3 or 4 days without sex. He was so distraught while looking at porn he thought it would be a good idea to post some of his own...OF ME!!!! I of course was livid, he thought I should be proud. I cut him off of taking pictures of me, he was so mad he put up spy cameras and had a huge library before I found out what he was up too. Needless to say there is no trust in our marriage. It sounds hopeless right? Why do I stay? I don't know.

  1. scruziel said...:

    Nate's comment should break the heart of any woman that isn't made of stone.

    Most marriages begin with the intent of caring for the other person, as they are, not as we wish they would be for us.

    What happens to that when it becomes obvious men's need for sex is emotional? Would women whose excuses abound for not having sex be as understanding about husbands who begged off going to work because they just didn't feel like that day? No, because they expect caring for them by earning a living is expected regardless of how they feel that particular day about that loving duty. Why is sex any less a loving duty? It's part of caring for the other that was supposedly what the marriage is about.

    Oceanlady is all about oceanlady, not caring about and for the other. Justifying self-focus is neither attractive nor particularly loving of the other, which is what the marriage was supposed to be about.

    The majority of women commenting here seem to care little about feeling close to their husbands. Aaron's advice seems to validate such self-focus. Men that are jerks should be divorced, not complained about or boycotted. I seriously doubt most men are that dysfunctional until the women they are with begin to think withholding is the only way to care for themselves.

    Asking the HDP for self-sacrifice may meet the short-term needs of the LDP but as a long-term strategy, it is incredibly self-defeating as well as unloving.

    Those who think otherwise need to re-read Nate's comment and ask themselves: would you be proud to be the LDP in his situation? If you would, why are you even married? You aren't really interested in caring for the other but you think your needs should be served and come before his. If you think that's what marriage is, it's no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. The issue isn't slavery, it's the inability to put one's self in the other's position. The Golden Rule is a positive duty, not an "if I get mine, I'll think of the other." Do as you would like to be done to. That applies also to the HDP but if that one sees it's never understood as reciprocal, it dies a quick death. Reciprocal support and care keeps love and intimacy alive. Lack of it kills them.

    The way you behave every day reveals the choices you are making. Choose wisely.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is the same way. I am 45 and he is 29

  1. Anonymous said...:

    This is merely how I see things. Ladies, you say your man wants sex all the time? Not tonight honey, I have a headache, or I'm tired gets old... especially when it goes on for days, weeks, & months. Let's put the shore on the other foot shall we? Ladies, think of the one thing your husband does for you often that you just love. Now, instead of him meeting your needs constantly, What if he only did that for you maybe once every month our two? After awhile that $@#! Gets old, doesn't it? Frustrating isn't it? The one person who can make you feel so special practically quits whatever act that you lived so much; that drew you closer together. You want that back, and with frequency. It's the same thing. My analogies aren't always spot on, but I think you get drift.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    HERE! HERE!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Before marriage, my wife spoiled me with sex three or four times a week. After marriage, less and less. Over the years...now we have sex usually once every two or three months. She has absolutely no libido, while mine is in overdrive. I love my wife without question. Nonetheless, after 26 years, I find myself constantly imagining sex with other women.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow....sex is for both people not just the one. And the only thing that results from making sex into a duty is having someone who is lying to you. Most of you men Dont care as long as you get yours but women do. And this results in women having secret affairs cause the other man will work harder to make sure its enjoyable.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi.. I don't think women need to be connected to want to have sex.. they are just sick of the person/husband. Example.. a woman in our group of friends kept having sex with this guy we knew even though he would keep blowing her off and not talking to her any other time.she even said it was the best sex she has had with multiple orgasms. It was obvious she was being used but it was also obvious she loved it. ..so with just sex its not a connection for women either...its a sick of that person feeling..Boredom

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Man, I just stumbled onto this blog because of the headline. I am that HDP husband for which so many (anonymous) women have such great contempt. My wife probably feels the same bitterness all of you feel. This is so clear ... I need to dump her and never again trap myself in a marriage! Thanks for the clarity!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I had sex wid my boyfriend for about 4 times that too months back and now we don't share such relation.if my husband can make out about my previous sexual activity

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Blaq beats i feel that completely thats foox for thought

  1. SKREW32 said...:

    my god people this is all so sad and i could fill 2 pages for the folk on here in anyway mentioning religion or jesus. i doubt any of you will be boning him so ill move on. this is a problem every creature in nature encounters males physically need to release 10 fold what a womans body needs to. emotionally men feel their closness through sex if you love him bend a bit read an erotic story or something to stimulate the sexual part of your brain or something to help the mood before he asks. if you cant stand your husband and cant make yourself desire him seperate get some cats whatever it will be better for both parties that way. with this said men we are all dirty minded horny bastards to some degree call it addiction or what you will. watch some awful porn and jerk it when she looks exhausted sometimes. you could do a sink of dishes a load of laundry the kids homework or baths to take her load off then theres more time for her to want to have sex. if you have extra time sex is great but you could enjoy a funny movie together play a game of phase 10 also. whatever activity you commonly enjoy before you start pulling out your schlong. remind her why she loves you because noone loves anyone just because they bang them. but furthermore doing a non xxx thing together like playing a card game and bullshitting together will also remind you of how much you love your wife/girl how cool of a person she is to you or you are to her if you arent even friends whats the point go buy a fleshlight and spray a little perfume around lol. not that im making light of problems im not ive been there ive been married for 12 years have 3 kids work hard thankfully no christian hangups though. the bottom line is its a meet me half way situation everything in a marriage should be. be her friend and do less bitching about sex squeeze an extra nut out on your own to calm the testosterone down a bit. ladies learn how to get the juices flowing a bit on your own so you dont feel its a chore u just want a bit of dick that day anyway. i hear the 50 shades book series makes 90% of women moist. i hope this helped someone because too many of you sound a bit self centered both genders included. noone should owe anyone it should be a desire for lucifers sake! ps: you gentleman talking about 5 or 10 minutes maybe if you learn to make your girls legs shake every time (this takes a few extra minutes) she will ask you for sex sometime. good luck to you all

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I had so much trouble on the sex front. He said I need it every 2-3 days or i get angry or If you dont come to me some times wanting it i dont feel loved. For him sex is love. I would say I love you. But themore you nag, threaten leave threaten violence the less I love you and longer it takes for me to want you. I worked out I want sex1-2 times a week which lessened the more threats and nagging. Reason being If I wast up for it we'd have a quicky and it would a couple of days to recover down there and if we did it again too soon before i was ready would take another few days to recover so I never got the chance to really want it cause i always got a shitty quicky. Everything was my fault. It came down to i didnt love him. He got angry and that was my fault. Now we are living apart and having
    the sex of our lives because he dosent pressure me, we only see each other 3 times a week and he really pleases me and puts in the effort I deserve and he says ...why wasnt it this good before to which i respond he killed my sex drive with threats, blackmail, and overuse. I said I am a very sexual being if you allow it time and nurture it. We will never live together again because I cant risk things going back to the way they were. There was no respect for my needs but living apart the respect and love is their but due to damage caused over the three year marriag it is over. The kids 3 and 1 will miss out on living with their dad for the sake of prob one night a week extra sex he wanted. Shame...

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Before you dump her just think about other ways she shiws love for you. Does she tell you she loves you, do your washing, cook for you, clean your skid marks off the toilet? When was the last time you really appreciated her? When was the last tume you did all this for her then got her off for half an hour before making love. Try it champ see what result tou get.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Get a clit tickler...spark it up a bit. Have sex on the beach. These are my two faves.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    OMG What people put up with! This is a real eye opener. Its up to you hun but please just answer me this do you want your boys to grow up and be like him or for your girls to look for a similar man for their partner? If your daughter was in this relationship what would you say to her? Now take your own advice.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have two toddlers who can wake me up to 6 times a night then get up at 530 and go to sleep at 7pm . I dont feel like sex much either. I know I'll be back at it when I get back to adult life again but norhing about sleepless nights, nappy changing, picking up toys getting coutless meals a nd drinks and doing mountains of washing gets me in the mood.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow, reading this I'll never get married - women moaning because their husband wants sex 2-3 times a week !

    Those terrible men, don't they understand that marriage is for celibates...

    These guys are stuck in marriages where their partner begrudgingly let's them have sex on rare occasions - I can't think of anything worse :-)


  1. Anonymous said...:

    Two weeks after my ceaser my husband tried to have sex with me even though our doctor told him he should wait 6 weeks then he tried again at three weeks even tho this was very painful I said nothing. Some men are just selfish and don't care about their partners wellbeing. He also blamed his anger on lack of sex and raised his hand to hit me but obviously thought better of it cause I was pregnant. This kind of behaviour is what breaks up marriages. Women arent slot machines we have feelings guys. Marriages arent easy but if you only have sex twice a week when you are dating dont expect more when your married or even as much when you have little kids. No one has the right to blackmail and emotionally abuse another person just walk away its kinder in the end.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I bet if men more commonly had erection problems they would be more understanding. Its because of our anatomy they assume we're ready all the time.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    crap, this is such a wide spread problem!! It's soo depressing, I am the HDP male in the relationship. I just want to connect with my life partner. I always thought if it was real and true it would not be a chore at all. I certainly don't want to be "stuck in a marriage where the partner begrudgingly let's them have sex on rare occasions". What a draining experience... confused and frustrated much!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Oceanlady is right. I guarantee that if men did more work in the relationship, you would suddenly see a huge shift. These men have quite idle hands, thats why their partners are exhausted. Now how much fun to see all these men worn out and their wives refreshed enough to feel frisky!!
    Ladies,. If your partner has this much energy, and you are exhausted, sit back and be sure he gets to use all that energy up doing the things that exhaust you!
    Im sick of women expected to work fulltime, care for the kids, family, house, cats dogs, endless to do lists, little sleep and then be a porn queen! These are not little boys, they are men, men who took vows to be with their woman. Sometimes there will be sickness, poverty, less sex, but you've had the honeymoon period, sometimes you have to soldier on. You cant expect sex on tap every day of married life. Use that energy to help your partner and enrich your lives in other ways, many, many ways to use energy showing love. And usually women will come around if they arent sick, exhausted, pestered and if they feel loved.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I think you are presenting things from a patriarchal male viewing point. Not really balanced and practically all these comments here are from women who feel pressured into sex, not men. There is a huge difference in a loving, thoughtful man being constantly rejected and a selfish jock expecting a women to be there servicing his needs on demand, no matter how tired she is. A selfish man is not loving or thinking of the relationship or his woman. Really if a man cant let a tired woman sleep, or contribute more so she isnt exhausted, why should a woman be too worried about his needs.
    Please try address this problem from a less elfish male perspective.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well said! I have been shocked at the chauvinistic answers here pretty much telling women they MUST do this or that to 'keep' or to please a selfish man!!!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband is taking prescribed testosterone and over the counter testosterone and pre-work out drinks. He is 61 years old and wants sex all the time. He talks about sex all the time always touching and groping. He has lost weight and gets angry and stand offish. I feel this is not normal. This weekend after two nights of 2-3 hours of groping and sex each night the last night he said thanks for doing your wifely duties. Wow. I just threw away one of his over the counter male testosterone creams. Any other suggestions. I have emailed his doctor and told him of his anger and that friend have commented on his moods. I feel like a sex slave to his moods. I am starting to break out and think his testosterone creams are rubbing off on me. My 14.5 year old daughter has not started her period and it may be rubbing off on her towels too. I am a successful business woman. I don't need to be married to any man who will not stop this nonsense. Any other suggestions?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Let me start by saying that I am a man, I have been with my wife for two years. As a man I do want sex...a lot. I try not to put pressure on my wife about sex and for the most part I wait for her to initiate. It is hard at times because I do love her and I do think she is beautiful and sexy. We have talked about sex on numerous occasions. I feel bad because she wants to want sex with me. I know she loves me and I know she still thinks that I'm hot. I get all of the flirting and comments from her just not the sex. I am keeping my disappointment and my frustration to my self because we have talked and I know it makes her feel worse about it and I don't want that. I know that its not her fault and there isn't anything she or I can do about it. I have tried everything and nothing seems to work for me. When I get home from work I deal with the household chores (or at very least we do them together) and I help with the kids and supper just to take some of the day to day stress off of her. It still hasn't helped. I've gotten to the point where I don't mention sex anymore just because I don't want to fight, I don't want her to feel bad, and I don't want to feel rejected. It seems to have helped with our relationship just not with our sex life. I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and by sex I mean healthy sex where both people want sex and it doesn't feel like a chore. She has told me that even if she doesn't want sex she would still do it with me. I told her that I don't want that, that I don't want our sex life to turn into a duty or a chore. I want it to be great and not feel like we are just going through the motions. The pleasure for me comes from the connection and intimacy and knowing that she is satisfied. Its hard for me because I want that connection so bad and I just can't have it.

    So my question is: is awesome sex life that I had with my wife just gone? It seems like there is nothing I can do to make her want sex. And I don't want her to force herself to have sex. Is the spark and the passion gone? Should I just reside to the fact that I won't be having much sex?

    I should mention that we are both in our late 20s and healthy. And that in our relationship there are really no other problems. No infidelity or anything like that. We are open and talk about our issues with eachother

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Omg my man-child boyfriend is pretty much the exact same way as your man! Except for the fact he expects sex to happen about every two to three hours, EVERY DAY!!!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Aaron, are you a REAL counselor, or just some quack? I do believe that when anonymous said she wanted her man to leave her alone completely and just cuddle, she meant that as, how can she get her man to just be intimate in a NON sexual way for a period of time? As a counselor, you SHOULD be aware that being intimate, NON sexually is VERY important, not only to a woman so she feels valued as a person and not just as a sex object, but for the relationship as a WHOLE! Man and woman! If us women could get a little bit of that, we just might be more interested in that ONE AND ONLY thing men care about most

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Lady , where you dropped on your head as a baby? Grow up in the 40's or 50's? No offense. But seriously, if he is forcing himself on you when you are asleep passed out drunk, he is RAPING you!!!! Get a clue!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am the LSD in our marriage. I do agree that in the beginning, sex was great then reality sets in since marriage is not a bed of roses and requires constant work. Connection is lost and whether we admit it or not, the refusal to have sex is triggered by some resentment (unmet expectations.) We women see sex more as an emotional connection and when that connection is lost, sex is a challenge. Men are genetically programmed to want to have sex all the time. That explains the need. I think it is natural to require it from his spouse after all he is married to her. Sorry ladies, got to accept that and I do believe in the author's advise that we need to look deep into ourselves and our relationship. What helps me is seeing the good in my husband. Sometimes, it is easy to search what is lacking in our marriage rather than appreciating the good things that we do have. Afterall, no one is perfect and nor relationship is. It is not going to be easy. I am still struggling.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Anyone ever thought of the husbandly duties of being a protector and a provider of happiness? What about the common marriage; wife stays at home, husband works full time. He's off making the money to create a home atmosphere to allow the woman to show him love through the household duties. This is coming from an emotional man who only wants sex if happy emotionally, and I'm an hdp.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    The solution you provide here does nothing to serve the 'low desire partner.' Basically you're telling the LDP how to serve their insatiably horny significant other by coaching the horny one on how to 'get them, the low desire partner, in the mood.' The fact of the matter is, the less horny one simply doesn't want it all the time! And that's fine. The HDP needs to learn how to deal with their insatiable sexual appetite out of respect for what their low desire partner wants. You're making it all about the horny one in this write-up. HDP's need to accept the fact that they have high sex drives, and they need to find other outlets and not harass their partners constantly. Porn, 'self-love,' etc. there are many outlets for very horny people. Telling the LDP to 'figure out a way to enjoy more sex' by 'coaching their high desire partner and giving them road signs' is absolutely ridiculous. High desire people need to get real and take some responsibility for their sexualities and not dump the entire burden onto their partners.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    were all humans. if you dont like tell him or tell her. if she/he offened it means guilty.. same story but not same feelings.if ur partner sex with others hahaha thats your fault! peaople are people

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have been married less than 1 year. It is a second marriage for both of us. My husband's first wife denied him sex. I said when we got married that I would never do that but I feel he takes advantage of it. I have not denied him at all but we have had sex many times when I have been sick or just not feeling up to it. However, many times when I wanted sex he conveniently fell asleep. He cheated on me twice before marriage and I am concerned about it.

  1. Nicole White said...:

    Just wanted to say this: my husband and I have been married for 2 years. He is 56 and I am 51. Shortly after we were married I became ill(several female surgeries, fibromyalgia, lupus). He has been quite adamant about me not "wanting" him sexually, not finding him desirable anymore etc. Not the case with me....I am just exhausted and hurting most of the time. I have had sex with him numerous times even while in pain and not feeling well. I know that sex is a form of connecting....he gets angry with me if I do it to please him. According to him he doesn't want it if I don't enjoy it, but if I tell him I don't feel well or am hurting, he gets angry because I'm not in the mood. It feels like I can't win no matter what I do! He wants it 4+ times a week and gets upset if it's anything less. I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place....Help!!!

  1. Nicole White said...:

    My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He's 56 and I'm 51. Shortly after we got married, I became ill (numerous female surgeries, fibromyalgia, lupus). Our sex life consists of sex 2-3 times a week, but that isn't enough for him. So, in order to keep the peace, I have had sex even when I'm not feeling well. Problem is this: he gets angry if I tell him I don't feel well and don't want to have sex AND he gets angry with me if I have sex with him when I don't feel up to it. I feel as if I'm in a lose-lose situation. I can't please him....he wants me to be ready and in to it all the time! I have tried to explain to him how I feel but he doesn't even begin to understand or try to.
    Reading this blog makes me think that maybe he has a problem...any advice?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Schedule:) and how does it work if he wants ever day sometimes twice?
    Today I had headache I was sleeping he tried I said pls cant u see,then I woke to take my pills; after sn hour ge asked are you feeling better. I replied yes thanks but couldn't believe it ge said then we can do something now?
    In this case tell me what works other than scheduling.
    I say im tired im sick im sleepy to prepare him not hurt his feelings but after all the result will b the same.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am really disappointed Aaron, I thought this blog/site was from a woman and her point of view and thought I could share it with my wife. All you have done is perpetuate the perceived problems between men and women and sex, from a man's view. You have done nothing to improve married peoples relationships along the lines of sex and expectations. Shame on you for wasting people's time!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What is wrong with this world? First off there is nothing wrong with married people having sex. That is one of the primary reasons for being married. Now sex has to be fully satisfying for her before it is for him. I get this part I really do. Years ago we negotiated a schedule for sex. Then gradually as she was enjoying herself we increased it. Then as things were going really well and by this I mean every other day SHE decided to dress for bed EVERY night in lingerie I had purchased. For her and each and every morning we woke early to make love. I had my doubts as if I could keep. Up to this pace but I can and we do. I am 56 and we have sex every single morning and every single night she picks out what lingerie she wants to wear to bed. I have. The healthiest prostate gland in history and the most active tongue which is used on her also each morning. So those who think one or two or thee days a week is too much get with the program and please stop complaining. Sex is very good for a marriage.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I've been married for 30 years. I lost my libido about 20 years ago. I have had undesired sex with my husband at least once a week for the past 20 years because I love him and it has been important to our marriage.
    Just one question: Do you think he would return the consideration and NOT have sex with me for the next 20 years?

    PS I agree with May 11, 2014...You can't coach a LDP into wanting and enjoying sex. Actually, the more unwanted sex they have, the less they enjoy it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So it's worthy of divorce time to get a roomate, if you just want to be able to cuddle with your partner without it always having to lead to sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:


    Too bad men feel like they can have sex whenever the urge comes upon them. Heck, men get horny way too often! They are much hornier than women and they actually expect us to keep them happy at the expense of making ourselves unhappy. If they were out in the single world, they wouldn't be getting sex every time they got horny...they would find other ways to release the pressure. I wonder what pre marriage manuel these men read that told them to expect sex with the wife ALL the time. We need love not constant sex. It's not the same. It's time we tell them this. We are human's with feelings and when they want sex ALL the time we start to feel used and abused, not loved. We need to let them know this! Probably over and over again because they truly think lots of sex means we should feel WAY loved. Listen guys, we don't feel loved, we feel used. Back off until we can get over this awful feeling and come to you for a LOVING sexual connection. You are going to ruin everything with your horns.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi! My husband like to have sex all the time! He seems like his always horny. I don't know if it is because he loved me or just because he has more fantasies of other women in internet!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    June 29, 2014

    Funny, I've had several roommates in my lifetime. Never have I had a desire to cuddle with them. I do crave the intimate physical connection of cuddling with my husband. Actually, that is one part of our relationship that has diminished mainly because it always leads to sex. What's wrong with hugging and cuddling to show affection? Why does it always have to lead to sex? I'm missing the affection, I'm certainly not missing the sex...I'm getting plenty of that!

  1. hippie said...:

    I feel like I am the odd ball out here. I am the woman who wants the sex, and My husband doesn't. It seems that every-time I try to get him in the mood, hes tired, or That I want it to be a two way street, where I would like to be touched as well as touch him. Unfortunately he isn't interested. I frequently ask what would be a turn on, or how will I know when he is in the mood, since he will say I was in teh mood but you blew me off. And I never knew. I have asked how I could know in teh future, and he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I get the lack of sex needs to be talked about, but i fell I am accusing, and I see it in his eyes. I love him, but i cant not feel the love, I need sex. I have only been married two months. any suggestions on how to not be forceful when trying to open up communication?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Perhaps he can have his testosterone levels checked.
    Simple test with simple solution if that is the cause.

  1. Danielaa said...:

    Men commenting on here are clearly missing the point. I am having difficulty because my boyfriend wants sex everyday more than once a day. Its not "JUST" 30 minutes of the day. It's 30 minutes now, 2nd round after that, then as soon as you lie in bed, or on the sofa, the dry humping starts, or touching boobs and genitals ALL THE TIME.. Then in the middle of the night, then early in the morning (4am)before he leaves for work.. Why do I have to wake up 2 hours before work to have sex with you and then possibly go back to sleep for an hour and feel exhausted at work. Then if you do it once, you have to do it all the time... "Before you used to do it, now you just dont like me/it anymore". And for those that say "No wonder we get cheated on?" How bout we women start using that against YOU when YOU dont want to cuddle everynight. How would you feel if I came to you everytime you got home or lay down to rest and said "ITS CUDDLE TIME BABY!" and we'd cuddle for "JUST 30min" like 4 times a day. Bet you men would all be down for that! (sarcasm) You don't have everything you want everyday! Why should this be something to give everyday (and multiple times a day)??? I love chocolate cake, and I would have it everyday... But do I eat it everyday? NO. Can I have it every day? YES. Do I whine about it everyday that I can not eat the piece of cake? NO.
    And im not even married!!! I cant imagine when I do have kids, and a house to worry about! I might as well be alone for the rest of my life and not have to deal with all this BS.

    NOTE: At the beginning of a relationship, its always a lot and great sex, but that's when men are trying to impress us (not being themselves) with all the flowers and oh so sweet messages, and helping out, small gestures that show they care, etc.. we feel HORNY towards that person and want to have sex.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Men are dogs. It sounds like an insult, but when you actually look at it from a pet owner perspective, it’s pretty accurate. And if women would allow themselves to have a bit of a paradigm shift by looking at their husbands from that perspective, maybe they would come to realize what they are doing to them by constantly shutting them down.

    If you switch “walks” or “play” (with your dog), to “sex” or “good sex” (with your husband), you see how they are virtually the same.

    Every dog trainer in the world will tell you that a dog needs exercise or it will grow restless and start to become unmanageable. Just watch an episode of The Dog Whisperer! A good dog owner will take their dog for a walk every day, and usually a weekend excursion to a dog park for a treat so the dog can really burn off any excess energy. They do this rain or shine. Why? Because the dog needs it. And the dog loves it! And studies have shown that dog owners live longer, healthier lives, primarily due to the added exercise that is required in order to take care of a dog properly.

    Those daily walks are more than just mindlessly walking around the block. Daily walks strengthen the bond between you and your dog. Sure, the dog wants to go out for a walk no matter who is taking them, but he’s coming to you with the leash in his mouth. He wants you to take him. You are the one he wants to be with. When everyone is sitting around the living room watching a movie, he wants to be at your feet. Why? Because you give him what he needs and that bond is strengthened every day.

    So what happens when you don’t take your dog out for daily walks? A day or two might not hurt, but over the long haul, that neglect will start to manifest itself in undesireable behaviour. You will punish the dog, you will scold the dog, you will be angry and resentful of the dog.

    Gradually, that dog will no longer bring you the leash with that look of joy and excitement in his eyes. He will be dejected. Did you know that neglect can break a dog’s spirit? They get depressed and distant, and often become destructive.

    Husbands are the same way. When he is constantly turned down and rejected, eventually he will stop trying. You will break his spirit. Even the most faithful and loving husband can gradually turn resentful and lash out. Maybe not by destroying property, but maybe by destroying the marriage. He wants you. He wants to feel wanted and respected and cared for, or it will drive him away. You can’t just let the dog outside in the back yard to play by himself and think that’s good enough. He will not be satisfied. He needs you to spend that time with him.

    Properly caring for your dog and properly caring for your husband will usually result in the same thing too: undying loyalty and a desire to please that knows no bounds.

    Neglect the needs of your dog, or your husband, and you will eventually find that you have a problem on your hands.

    You know what they say: there are no bad dogs, only bad owners.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I understand exactly what the wife feels... I'm a 39 yr old woman, and hate sex and I sabotage every relationship so I don't have to intimate. I will be alone for the rest of my life until I find male with the same appetite as myself (no sex) sex is very overrated. Signing off (Under Stimulated)

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Lady, lay on you back and let him have his 5 minutes, its not going to kill you to let him shoot his load in you, in/out done in 5 minutes

  1. some men are just selfish and don't care about their partners wellbeing. He also blamed his anger on lack of sex and raised his hand to hit me but obviously thought better of it cause I was pregnant. This kind of behaviour is what breaks up marriages. Women arent slot machines we have feelings guys.

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  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Sex is an important part but its not the most important. You are a man and you havent even put yourself in the position of us women so that you could at least understand a bit. Most of the Low ones are women because women are more heart and are more sensitive in that aspect of giving love. There are other ways to give love and feel connected with a partner that does not involve penetration or body fluids. Sex for me is an addition to a relationship. Shouldnt be based on sex primarily. I am in a relationship with this man that at first, when we werent nothing we fucked all the time. I even started it. But when i started having feelings for him (more or less 3-4 weeks ago) i stopped having or desiring so much sex because for me, now there is an emotion involved. An emotion, a need that can be fulfilled with caresses, kisses, holding hands, hair strokes, etc. Not sex. Sex would be the sum of all that that eventually explodes in a wonderful session of making love. But not all the time. Before we were something sex was everything and now I feel i love him and desire from him what i give to him (which he doesnt by the way. Seems like he is stuck in the past when i didnt felt anything for him) and yes, he also loves me and he says that thats his way of showing me thathl he loves me. But what if i dont want that way all the time? I have let him know how i feel but he just doesnt get it through his head. He is always caressing my breasts, ass and vagina and i told him there are other ways to show love. But for me its like hes just fulfilling his manly biological needs. There have been also a lot of times where i have to put up with him fucking me when i dont want to do it. Its frustrating and it lowers my self esteem as a woman because i feel he doesnt listen to my needs. In my mind I say that if he really loves me, he will bend a bit and learn other ways to give love, which i want to do it, i want to teach him to be more sensitive and less animalistic. But everytime i bring up the topic, he makes me feel like im the bad guy.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Lady, I think you are the counselor here, not this whacko that doesnt seem to know at all what a woman is saying. I posted this to him:


    Sex is an important part but its not the most important. You are a man and you havent even put yourself in the position of us women so that you could at least understand a bit. Most of the Low desire ones are women because women are more heart and are more sensitive in that aspect of giving love. There are other ways to give love and feel connected with a partner that does not involve penetration or body fluids. Sex for me is an addition to a relationship. Shouldnt be based on sex primarily. I am in a relationship with this man that at first, when we werent nothing we fucked all the time. I even started it. But when i started having feelings for him (more or less 3-4 weeks ago) i stopped having or desiring so much sex because for me, now there is an emotion involved. An emotion, a need that can be fulfilled with caresses, kisses, holding hands, hair strokes, etc. Not sex. Sex would be the sum of all that that eventually explodes in a wonderful session of making love. But not all the time. Before we were something sex was everything and now I feel i love him and desire from him what i give to him (which he doesnt by the way. Seems like he is stuck in the past when i didnt felt anything for him) and yes, he also loves me and he says that thats his way of showing me thathl he loves me. But what if i dont want that way all the time? I have let him know how i feel but he just doesnt get it through his head. He is always caressing my breasts, ass and vagina and i told him there are other ways to show love. But for me its like hes just fulfilling his manly biological needs. There have been also a lot of times where i have to put up with him fucking me when i dont want to do it. Its frustrating and it lowers my self esteem as a woman because i feel he doesnt listen to my needs. In my mind I say that if he really loves me, he will bend a bit and learn other ways to give love, which i want to do it, i want to teach him to be more sensitive and less animalistic. But everytime i bring up the topic, he makes me feel like im the bad guy.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Thank you. My exact thoughts. A man learns to love a woman from all perspective and when the woman is not sexually driven all the time, the man should learn to love her as she would like. Not as he would need as a man.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Yeah well, after 2 months of the same thing you would be as tired as all of the women here with the same problem. Dont compare your situation with something that does not compare to yours.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    My thoughts again, exactly. Why cant he find another way to love her? Its exactly my problem too. Im trying for my partner to learn new ways of love but he is stuck with the idea that love is only shown through sex or "making love" as he says when there are other ways of showing love.

  1. Lua Valentine said...:

    Are you even a counselor Aaron? Seriously. All your replies have been from what this person says. A patriarchal way of seeing things.

  1. Alice said...:

    It's really a great thing to spend time with your partner but please be aware that excessive sex can lead to other chronic diseases like cystitis. Nevertheless, excellent post though.

 
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