"She Never Wants Sex!"

Wow! I had a lot of responses from people about my last post where one of my readers had a problem that her husband always wants sex. Lots of people wrote me telling me about how that post really spoke to them and was really fitting for their situation. I even had one husband write me about a typical reciprocal problem: "My Wife Never Wants Sex". I thought it would be a good followup to my last post. So with his permission (and all identifying information removed) here is his letter as well as my response.

What About Spouses Like Me Whose Spouse Never Wants to Have Sex?


Dear Aaron,

I loved your last blog post about the husband who always wants sex. It was good to see there are other
couples out there like me and my wife. I do have one complaint, though. Your article was for the person whose spouse always wants sex and what they can do to help their situation. What about the other side of the coin? What about those spouses (like me) whose spouse never wants sex?

I feel like I need sex in order to really feel connected with my wife. Like you said in your last post, it's one thing we share in our relationship that we don't share with anyone else. So sex is really important to me because it helps me feel connected with her in a way I can't (and don't want to) connect with anyone else. It really makes me feel loved when we have sex. The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it's really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.

It seems like she's always trying to find reasons not to have sex


It's gotten to the point where I'll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like "What time is it?" or "are any of the kids awake?" It seems to me like she's trying to find excuses not to have sex with me. No matter how I answer the questions it seems like she uses that as a reason to not have sex. She'll say that she's not in the mood to have sex because the kids are still awake...or that she's not in the mood  because the kids are asleep and she just wants "down" time. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she never wants sex.

Any information you can give for the one who is always being rejected sexually by their spouse would really be helpful.

Sincerely,

Feeling Rejected.



Dear Feeling Rejected,

Thanks for your letter. I'm glad you like my blog. I'm also sorry for your situation. Lots of spouses come to see me for marriage counseling with stories similar to yours: one spouse doesn't want sex as much as the other which leaves the one who wants it more feeling rejected and pushed aside. The rejected spouse also expresses  wonder about whether their spouse really loves them or if they think of them more like a roommate. This is really typical. Thanks for letting me share it on my blog because I think this will be helpful with a lot of people.

The Low Desire Partner Controls When, Where and How Often Sex Occurs


As I mentioned in my previous post, in EVERY relationship there's a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship the LDP determines when, where and how often sex occurs. The LDP doens't realize they have this sort of control. In their mind, they feel like the HDP is the one who has control because the HDP is the one who who is always initiating it - the LDP doesn't have a chance to initiate because the HDP is always doing it.

In addition, the LDP usually feels pressured to have sex because the HDP makes advances so often. So even the times when they want to have sex they feel like they're just giving in to the pressure. This results in them feeling like they're not having the sex they really want. Especially since (as mentioned above) they never get a chance to initiate it which means they're even less likely to have sex exactly when, where and how they want it.

As the HDP who is always being rejected, one thing you can do is to express your sexual desire in terms of connection and intimacy and not just about sex. Instead of saying "Hey honey, you in the mood?" You could try saying something like "I've been downstairs thinking about you and how great you are to me all the time". and then make a sexual advance. The first one might have the intention of connecting but she won't hear it that way. The second is much more clear that you've been having connecting thoughts and want to share that connection with her sexually.

Give Your Spouse a Road Sign


Another thing you can do is give your spouse a road sign about what she can do to help you feel less rejected. Sometimes she just won't want to have sex. You can't expect her to have sex every time you want - that's selfish. But she can not want to have sex AND help you not feel rejected at the same time. She can say things like "Honey, I'm not in the mood right now but what can I do to show you that I still love and want you?". Or "Honey I'm not in the mood, but what can I do help you come?" She probably doesn't want you to feel rejected. She just needs you to give her a road sign of how she can do that and still not feel pressured to have sex anyway.

Regards,

Aaron


79 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How about the opposite situation, when the husband never wants sex? I expressed my feelings, frustrations, took upon myself to find books, articles, even bent so far to his will that it's was a couple of months before we would connect and even then it was a rushed time. I have tried everything from asking him to go to counseling, talking, crying, writing things down, angry, frustrated etc. He never listened or would discuss anything not even to compromise. Fed up with being the roommate, unwanted, desired and taken for granted.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Sorry for the slow response anonymous. I'll put it in another post. In the mean time, there's a little info about when you're the higher desire partner in my post about She never wants sex. Sure, it's about a wife who never wants sex but you can change the gender in the article and it almost all applies still. I'll write an article about it for you, though, if you'd like. Here's the article: http://blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com/2012/11/she-never-wants-sex.html

  1. goldenroot365 said...:

    There is always a simple explanation for this, whether that be emotional problems, or just some form of sexual problem that they are embarrassed about. Whatever it is, the best thing to do would be to speak to them about it and try and resolve the problem together.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Goldenroot,

    Thanks for the comment. You're absolutely right. The best things it to talk about it together and try to resolve it...it's not always as easy as it sounds though :-)

  1. Kyla said...:

    Personally I think that some men do not understand the life of a mother or how we are feeling when in their mind it is time to have sex. In my life I spent all day at university, when I get home I spend time with my son (not enough time) then I start cooking and cleaning while trying to spend more time with my son and finding time to workout. My significant other comes home around 5pm while I'm cooking and from the time he comes home until the time he sleeps he has his "me time". When all is done, everyone is fed and my son is bathed I put him to bed and then clean up again. When all this is done, Then I have time for myself to catch up on my favourite TV show, or take an extra long bath or even just go on a walk for fresh air but my spouse wants me to forget about what I want to do with my time and expects me to run upstairs and get naked which is the last thing on my list of things to do. I mean I love to make love with him but Im not always thinking about it or wanting it, if there is time or if you want to wait for me thats fine but to me love is when he will come spend time with us because HE wants to, when he would help me out with one of my tidious chores, if im laying down come cuddle with me not try to "stick it in". I am exausted every day when my jobs are done but my hubby doesn't get that. Helping me out once in while would mean so much more to me than 20 minutes of humping and moaning. Just my personal opinion.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Kyla,

    You sound like you have a pretty good definition of meaningful sex. There is sometimes place in a relationship for sex just to have sex but these should be a minority (40% or less)of times. Sex should be a loving and intimately connecting experience for a couple. It sounds like you're exhausted at the end of the day and have a hard time feeling into it. Maybe try telling your spouse what he can do to help you get in the mood without just wanting to do it for the sake of doing it.

  1. Harun Bezzle said...:

    Lmfao! '20 minutes of humping and moaning' wow and you're having a chick fit about giving in for twenty, fiery, hardcore minutes out your day for things you'd love to induldge in? I understand you have your life and were not in stone aged times or even twenty years ago for that matter, but at the same time don't you see that your man all he wants is a little tlc?.. I personally feel more obliged to do housework and clean poopy diapers after a nice round of hot steamy sex..any men in here can reckon with this?..not to mention why wouldn't my wife want to when I'm sticking my head in between her pelvis and groins?.. look all I'm saying is the term and expression happy wife happy life is not always the case... what about have some sex and lets take care of business after the business has been finished? Get my drift. I don't understand why ol' high and mighty anderson won't get off his high horse and tell it how it is. Men always have to do something in order to achieve what the wife wants or needs..whether he has to watch a little sportscenter, smoke something or have a drink, a man loves to feel like a king and a wife who always a ldp isn't helping the cause for her or the family. Sex is the biggest way for men to connect with their lady.. not the next fling that comes strolling by. Its a reason why we have strong desire in deep relationship like marriage or whenever children are present. Men tend to base relationships off physical attraction and what they see opposed to women they love a story...women always look for man to game them u which is where I have to agree with aaron on giving your Leo a road sign.. communication is also key.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hey Harun,

    You're right when you say that men feel more inclined to do things for their spouse when they feel their sexual needs are being met. This shouldn't be the only thing, though. Sex is just one important part of the relationship. There are lots of other ways you can feel important and loved and like "you're a king" as you say. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sex is great but you can't have sex be the only thing that makes you feel like a king - especially if you're not getting it that often. There are many more.

    Does your partner know that sex helps you feel more connected to her and makes you want to be more available to her? Communicate with her but make sure not to get angry or else it becomes a fight...not a communication anymore.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi, i'm married since nearly 20 years and the last 5 or 6 i've been noticed a decrease of my sexual desire to the point that nowdays i'm not having any, so this cause unfurnatelly a lot of fights between my husband and I, I feel really really sad for this, and I've tried to change that but really can't do so much, when I went to my doctor, told him about this problem but didn't give me any solution, so right now I feel lost and helpless to improve my relationship.
    what could u advice to do? Thanks a lot for your time.

  1. MrRight said...:

    Its a cop out. Whatever the excuse is, is just an excuse. The person in the relationship that has the lowest drive is the one that is making the other persons life miserable.

    People with high drives should only be together with other people with high drives and those with low drives should only be with others with low drives.

    Dont go to counselling, dont go to therapy, dont try to work it out. Just get a divorce or break up. You will only be beating a dead horse and nothing will change and you will be miserable. Break up, find someone new that matches you exactly. Only then will it work.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    MrRight,

    Those are very absolute statements. And they haven't been my experience at all. As a counselor I see it all the time where couples with different levels of libido are able to work through it and get to a place where both are satisfied and create a romantic, passionate relationship.

  1. Sandeep Pal said...:

    My wife does not want to have sex, she doesn't like to talk about it also,I have been married just 11 month before , I have one time get intimate with her but only small foreplay is done ,when I touch her she tells what wiered you r doing.saggest me what I doesn't kiss her untill now.

  1. ReadyForChange said...:

    I cried when i read this blog. So relieved to read I'm not alone. My husband only wants sex at 4 am. He works from 3pm to 3am and expects me to wake up to his when he gets home for sex. I have trouble sleeping anyway and he knows this. We have all evening 4 days out of the week but he choose the nights he works to want to have sex and then gets mad when I refuse to wake up. I even fake sleeping just to get him to back off. I have ask him why can't he choose his days off for a romp in the hay and it's always the same response "so sorry I asked or even try" and I tell him I don't mind him asking but why can't it be on a night where we could have sex at 10pm and then both get a good nights rest? Oh and if I'm sick and don't even feel like rolling over to get out of bed he still expects sexual favors. If I tell him I don't feel well he acts like I just threw hot coals in his lap. If the tables are turned, he's the one sick, he acts just like I do. It is so frustrating that sex feels like a chore. I just do it to shut him up sometimes. Todays technology isn't any help either. He will text me and ask if we can have sex today and if I don't respond within a minute his response. " Just what I thought you'd say." What?! He don't give me a chance to answer before he's expecting a no. I offer oral sex, when I'm not in the mood just to compromise. He has started turning that down. Forget it, don't worry about it he says. I think he intentionally wants to make me feel bad about it, but what I can bear to tell him is I really could care less anymore. It's like all he thinks about lately is how he isn't being satisfied. It's not like I'm with holding sex, I've offered it up on his days off or even after the kids leave for school in the morning but it's like he don't want it unless it's when he wants it. I love him, but he's beginning to make it hard to love him. We have been married almost 20 years and this is how it's been for the last 5 years. What do you suggest?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Readyforchange it is quite simple. When you just offer it up to him or try to plan it out for some other time it isnt the same as when you are ready and rarin to go. I am sure you realize to that when you are in the mood sex feels better as opposed to planned out sex or sex that is offered to you just randomly.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'm somewhat in this boat. But the thing is, my wife is a tease and would rather tease me and talk about sex and tell me what I'm starting to think are lies. If she thinks I'm so sexy, and loves me, and always wants me to be there for her, and I'm her best friend and all that BS, then why... WHY won't she have sex with me? And when we do have sex, it really sucks. She never does anything I want, and if I ask for it she gets mad.

    I literally throw myself at her and she doesn't want me. Oh well, its been going on long enough that I think a visit to an escort is in good order. Shame on you wives who don't take care of your husbands. You think we're going to wait forever for you to be in the mood? Well if thats what you think then you're all stupid.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    We're not stupid, just understand our needs and concerns. Compromise a little, so you just pout and get mad when you can't have it your way allll the time?, really?, like that's going to really change something, if anything we'll fall out of love with you anyway. Start acting and dealing and understanding as a man and especially a husband, stop being selfish abd childish about the matter, becuz us as women and wives don't need more children to raise, but understanding and compramisation adult husbands. Try it you may get what you want. Gatty

  1. Sexlover said...:

    My wife and I use to have sex all the time 3 - .5 times wkly. She always had organisms and appeared to really enjoyed sex during. She would do the pulling me closer thing. Always stroke me when sitting on the couch or bed. Jump in differ positions on her own during. We would even watch porn together which was my idea but she got into and seem to enjoy. She would even tell me which ones she liked and didn't like and get totally wet when watching. I am probably the most unselfish man there is when it
    comes to sex. My goal would always be making her cum as many times as I could before I cum. I could last for as long as 2 hours. I was always the one who initiated it but we both enjoyed it. We enjoyed sex so much we would even talk about which of friends would she want All of a sudden she doesn't want it hardly ever. Help

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Kyla. It sounds like you are a busy women. It also sounds like you are just being selfish giving no thought to others and using your children and cooking as an excuse. If you don't want to be caring, romantic or sexual then have you thought about a. not having kids. not being married? What sort of expectations are you serving to your children? sorry but I am fed up of hearing about people just like you who have no thought in the world for others but pray on the fact they are parents with responsibilities. Grow up.

  1. RoofGeek said...:

    Hi my name is Rich. My wife and I have had this disagreement for some time now. I have read just about every article I can find to help to come to a solution to our or should I say my problem. 8 years ago we both entered this relationship as most with sex being very high on the priority list and slowly it has diminished to rarely at all and if there is sex it is morge sex. I would say we have a healthy marriage in every respect but the sex part. I am extremely happy with her and she says she loves and adores me but just doesn't think about sex anymore. I on the other hand get it so rarely that it is always on my mind. We have had sex 1 time in 3 months now and it eats at you. I have done everything I have been told to do. I show her attention. Participate in the gs she like. I try to set a mood which is hard with kids but I try. I say we split the house chores 60/40 with the 60 on my end. So I sit here with the thought of. If she was a sexual person one time why not anymore? Is she cheating has splashed across my radar but I doubt it but then again would i really know? Like I said I have done everything I can think of and to be honest divorce is entering my mind more and more. It sounds selfish to say that but I am only human and even if it sounds Un manly I miss the affection and the closeness that sex provides. I am not one to cum and run I make sure there is that time that woman want before and after to either get in the mood or come down from The mood. I am at a loss. We are beyond being able to discuss it because it turns into a fight where I am left looking like a sex junkie when in fact you would have to actually have sex to be one. I would be happy with anything at this point and think about cheating more and more everyday. I have never cheated up to this point because I love my wife so dearly but does she love me like I think or like she says she does if she never expresses it? A divorce seems so drastic to many but a marriage without sex or attention or affection is just a roomate who helps take care of our kids. I am not sure if I have a real queztion. I am simply searching for something to tell me that this is normal I guess and that I should stick it out. It will get better. How man years does someone wait?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    my husband was unable to have sex for several years due to medication ,,i being so much in love with him never gave it another thought .
    I just never spoke of it and shut that part of my life off now we are approaching middle 60 and he has to take steroid shots due to a illness and he now wants to have sex all the time .
    i try to explain to him this part of my life is not really important any more we are older now. and i never complained about him,he is to the point he is verbaly mean and attacking me with words and demanding me to do it or he is very angry and cuts me down all the time its very painfull and hurtfull to me when i was there for him.i just dont have the desire to be sexually active any more after shutting it off so many years ,,am i wrong ?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I recently went on a new birth control (more effective because our first born was not planned) that has left me with a very low libido. Even though im not in the mood I try to have sex with my husband but it ends up very painful because im not self-lubricating. Store bought lubricants do not help. Im in pain for days, sometimes weeks after sex. Still, my husband wants more sex and is getting frustrated. Sometimes he mentions leaving me or asks me why I have the vagina of a 70yr old (Im 21). These comments are very hurtful and make me not want to have sex even more. Ive told my husband im going to change my birth control method at my next appointnent (next week) but its not soon enough for him. Im afraid the low libido are due to the changes in my body after childbirth and not because of my birth control. This really worries me because im only21. He will probably divorce me and idk who else would want to deal with my "situation".

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am a 52 year old man, was widowed at 49, have since dated, married and divorced, and am dating again.

    If you are a man with a high libido and are dating a woman with a low libido...drop her NOW!! Waiting around for her to "come around" is wasting YOUR TIME, she will never magically increase her libido. Think about it, people with high and low libido's think and talk differently about s3x.

    High Libido
    Let's make love
    Flirts with partner throughout the day
    Thinks and talks about s3x as naturally as breathing

    Low Libido
    Ok, we can have sex, I will give it up, you just had some last week
    Irritated when flirtation is attempted outside the bedroom
    never thinks about s3x

    As a guy with a high libido, I cannot understand women who frequently refuse s3x, as I cannot imagine turning down an org@sm......women with high libido's rarely turn down an opportunity for an org@sm.

    If you are with a woman who frequently denies you s3x, try this the next time she starts venting about her work day or her friends....."honey, I really had a rough day, the garage is a mess, and I really do not not want to listen to you vent about your day". Men never tell women this because we hope that by enduring the woman's "venting" that we will be seen as "understanding" and will "ultimately" be "rewarded" with s3x, refusing to listen to a woman vent will be a sure fire way of not getting laid that night.

    Do not waste your time on a woman with a lower libido than yours, go out and find your match, life will be so much better.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow my husband never wants to have sex with me, I have given threesome's, let him sleep with other girls...he rather watch porn and jack off... I'm so hurt I'm ready to cheat

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It sounds to me like your bitter about his me time and punishing him subconsciouly for him "me time" or you wouldn't mention it. Plz remember even the best husbands have there limites. Remember when you first started dating he got onto this expecting that lvl of sex. Logic would say that the sex would grt better. Do not hold that back in your life he will go looking for it. He is YOUR husband act like it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Kyla, you sound just like my wife, OMG I heard all these excuses and more, she still had time to go have another relationship during this time with all the excuses, so your excuses are falling on deaf ears. I was married 18 years. I wish I divorced her 10 years ago. Sick and tied of the lies. I would do anything for my wife. You think she would spend a few minutes for me? I even offered to hire a house keeper, cook and any other help, did not matter. Theres more to this story you give than meets the eye.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Two truisms:
    1. If a woman doesn't take the time to think about sex, she will never have sex. Neither will her husband.
    2. If her husband doesn't have sex at home, he will have it elsewhere. Guaranteed!
    Wives, consider yourselves warned. You best figure it out before you find yourself alone in your retirement.

    Signed:
    Been wonderfully happy for thirty-seven of the forty years we have been married. Now preparing to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Glad I came across this, but still don't know what to do. Yeah we have two small kids, but it's probably been 6 months. It's actually the night of our anniversary and I'm here typing this at 3 in the morning, because she just wanted to sleep. It's been 6 months if not more. Don't know what to do, but I fear my marriage is falling apart.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi me and my husbands are having problems about this. In our case I guess im the problem and the one with low sex drive, we do have sex but maybe 2 times per week been married 4 yrs. I dont know what to do he is really upset and claims he is tired of it n me not wanting sex but i do love him and I am attracted to him I just dont seem to be in the mood as often as he is and he really gets upset. Expexts me to wake up in the middle of the night when he is teying to initiate it and I just dont want to I honestly rather get my rest :/

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Something people seem to be overlooking is that the time for sex is finite. It is true that some people manage to extend the desire and ability by various means, but it will come to an end, usually years before one's life ends. So, for those who close themselves off from their beloved during these fleeting years, they are being selfish, and also, for those who cannot imagine a good relationship without having constant sex, then your relationship and depth of love is shallow. There is a spiritual component to marriage, otherwise you should not marry. It is self-sacrificial from the start and not for the weak-willed and selfish. Being self-sacrificing is a virtue and rises above the common biological/hormonal drives. People have managed to have great depths of connectedness to others without sex, (parent to child, friend to friend, etc.) without having emotional angst from doing without sex. Why does it suddenly become a necessity for any kind of meaningfulness or depth of relationship when it comes to marriage? Either a couple grows in maturity from their commitment, or their marriage will
    fail.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I love her immensely, it's just that she b!tches so much and is on my back about just about everything that it kills any desire I can muster. I am 52, have had a hard ife, and I am just tired.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How about when neither party really wants sex, we love each other very much and our affection is strong it's just really tough for us to make time for sex. We both know this and our accepting of this I just worry about possible long term affects this could have. Due to the lack of sex I've fallen in love with my hobbies which is freaking awesome for me.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My wife has a low libido and always has. We have been married for 19 years. She loves me but sex has never been an interest for her and it will never be. We haven't had sex yet this year. I have read many comments, on many websites, with many frustrated people including myself. There have also been many comments on what to do about solving this that really just doesn't work. I think we can conclude, once and for all,that this is not a problem that can be fixed by some intellectual reasoning. Libido is not something you can make happen by your will. The amount of libido you have is both genetic and chemical. The only way to change this is through science. So if your partner does not have much libido by genetics or has lost it by a decrease in brain chemistry than there is nothing you can do, without science, to change it. Whether it is right or wrong to change it through science, if it is even possible right now, is a different issue. The point is, you have to accept that this is a science problem and therefore we can stop making each other feeling guilty about too much or too little sex. It will take technology to change this. For now, if you are not happy with your relationship it will mean finding a more compatible partner or if you can't bare hurting your spouse as I do then you will need to adjust your life without sex as best you can.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi my wife n i used to had sex more often but now she always not in the mood,when i try to talk about this situation she just got angry and she even stop talking,she just not want to hear me talking about it.Help me what can i do

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Please understand that the partner with a low libido can't help their situation. Sex drive is biologically driven and it is either there, or it isn't. Asking someone to want to be in the mood and enthusiastically enjoy the process when the drive isn't there is like asking someone to truly act like they enjoy, say, eating cooked beets when they really don't care for cooked beets. They can pretend to enjoy them for a while but if they have to eat them every week for the rest of their life because their partner craves them, they will soon develop an aversion to beets. It's not because they no longer love their partner, it's just that they don't have a burning desire or need for beets. It's very hard to force someone to enjoy something they don't desire or want. But one can be made to feel guilty about their non desire. Just because one person loves and desires sex, doesn't mean everyone does. Not everyone craves beets either. Does that make them a bad person or in the wrong? Why is it wrong to not desire sex?

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    June 23/2014 Anonymous,

    Sex is a wonderful and connecting thing. It's also the ONLY thing you uniquely share with your partner that you don't share with anyone else. As such, it becomes a unique form of connection in your marriage that's ONLY in your marriage. So sex is the one thing that sets you and your partner apart from being just roommates. You can love somebody, sure, but to be vulnerable and intimate someone in a way that only sex does takes your relationship to another level - it takes it to marriage. If a couple is negating that relationship, they're not having a truly intimate marriage.

    Plus, sex is a biological thing. All humans have an instinctual sex drive. If a person's sex drive is absolutely absent (without some sort of medical reason) it's usually a sign of something else going on within the person.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Aaron Anderson June 24 2014,

    Aaron, thank you for yesterdays response. I do agree that sex is a wonderful and connecting part of a relationship that is only uniquely shared with your marriage partner. It does take a relationship to a whole different level. And, that is why people bond and eventually marry. Often that part of the relationship lasts for quite a while. And, as you stated, sex is a biological instinctual drive. I believe that most people would agree that biologically, men and women differ. Hormonally, men tend to be more stable. Women on the other hand are in a constant state of biological change. Not only from year to year, but from month to month, and even from moment to moment. Childbirth and menopause add even more profound changes. It seems that testosterone plays a big role in sexual desire and drive and unfortunately, men are blessed with bigger stores that tend to decline VERY slowly over a lifetime. As Mark Gunger (a pastor/marriage counselor) once stated: If men's testosterone levels drop abruptly, they start to loose sexual desire. They are the same person with the same heart and the same mind, but they have less sexual desire. Just look at all the commercials for testosterone supplements these days.
    Well, women don't get to start on even ground when it comes to testosterone. And, they are plagued with ever changing hormone fluctuations.
    We still don't know all the permanent changes that occur to a women after childbirth.
    It has been stated in several articles, that the number one sexual complaint made by women is a low sexual desire. Estimated to be about 40% of women 18-100. Boy are the pharmaceutical companies trying like crazy to come up with a female viagra. Obviously, women's low libido is very common. So, is this abnormal or normal? The jury is still out.
    So, between the lower testosterone (to none after menopause), the every changing hormonal state in a women's body, changes from childbirth and menopause, what is a women to do? Biologically, she is not the same person she was when she first met her partner.
    The partner, on the other hand, is probably pretty close to being (hormonally) the same as he was when they first met.
    And to all of those men who are thinking of divorcing a wonderful women because they are no longer compatible sexually, just remember, a women's body biologically changes forever. If you find a new compatible mate, chances are she won't be the same a few years down the road. Then what?
    So, the same question arises: What's a couple to do? Men don't understand why the woman has changed? He doesn't understand why sex isn't as important to his wife as it use to be. All he knows is that he feels he Needs sex either physically and or emotionally, to be connected and close to his wife and "she doesn't get it." She suddenly (or slowly over time) doesn't have that same biological need to have sex as often. After menopause, there is actually no biological reason to be sexually receptive, women are no longer fertile. She just can't seem to get in the mood, and he "doesn't get it."
    So back to the same question: What's a couple to do?
    Aaron, I guess it all comes down to your primary suggestion, communication. I will add: compromise and understanding. Women and men are coming from two different places. Neither one is right, neither one is wrong. Trying to change a LDP or a HDP usually doesn't work. But working together to find a mutual middle ground could lead to a long Happy Marriage:)
    I

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have been married over 20 years. I had a healthy libido at the beginning of our marriage. After childbirth, however, my libido went AWOL. Actually, I didn't notice that is was missing but my husband sure did!
    For some reason, childbirth didn't seem to affect his libido. Go figure.
    So, it became my responsibility to find my missing sex drive. I asked counselors, pastors, and doctor's if they might now where it went. No one had any good answers. So I tried just having sex to see if it was hidden somewhere inside. Nope, it never appeared. Then I tried sex toys, porno, creams and relaxation. It never showed up for the fun. So I turned to herbs, alcohol, estrogen, and I even got to try the FDA forbidden testosterone for women. All that gave me was pimples and clumps of hair falling out of my head. Nothing was working. I suggested trying to schedule sex. That helps somewhat because it assures that my husband will not initiate except that one night a week. That gives me a whole week to try to get in the mood. Sometimes I can, other times I have a dreadful day just thinking about it. So now what?
    I suggested my husband try something to decrease his drive. You should have seen the look on his face! Why would he possibly want to do that? Well, perhaps to lower his frustration with me and our marriage. To help him be more content with the situation. And to give me a break from all the pressure, which just might help me feel more like loving my husband instead of locking horns with him. Well, he hasn't tried anything yet! Why is it always the person with the low desire that needs to find a solution?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Gosh from reading these comments this is what I get.
    Regardless of how I feel or how much more I have to do before bed I am just to roll over and give it to him when ever he wants like a prostitute. No wonder why so many fake orgasums and I will admit that I've been guilty of that. To express my feelings, ask for help or say not now means I am a selfish woman worthy of divorce and deserving of being cheated on.
    So I guess I will continue on just give when he wants it, fake that I enjoy it, and know that if I don't I am worthless as a woman And my needs and issues should be of no concern for my husband. Yes this makes me want it less of course. I did enjoy sex at one time but now it is just a chore one more thing I have to do.
    It would be so nice and mean so much if the man would do some of those little things like help change a diaper etc. Believe it or not it's those little things that say I love you and value you and that put's me in the mood for sex mentally. But heck according to some of you that is selfish of me and something the man shouldn't have to bother with.
    According to these comments, The problem is only the woman. I shouldn't have kids, home or husband if I am not able to be full of energy 24/7, always able to be in a perfect mood, never need time for myself, available to do my job plus all household and childcare responsibilities, never sleep or get sick and most of all provide active willing sex when ever my husband wants it. To complain about anything means I'm selfish using my kids & home as an excuse and just having a "chick fit".

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It sure seems like the LDP is quite content with their sex life. Their desires are being taken care of. Life is wonderful, or would be, if not for the HDP's expectations. The HDP , on the other hand, feels they are not having their needs met. They feel they don't receive the physical sexual release as often as they need it. They feel rejected because the LDP doesn't show them the affection they need to feel wanted and loved. Life is miserable because the LDP is content. So the frustration begins.
    One person has needs not being met by the other person. The other person feels they are giving all they can. The HDP keeps telling the LDP they need more affection (sex) to feel loved and connected. The LDP starts to feel guilty that they can't meet their partners needs. They feel that no matter how much they give, it is never enough. We have just created two unhappy people.
    We put such high expectations on marriage and the people we love. What is it about sexual desire within a marriage that is harder to compromise on than any other aspect of the marriage? Why do we turn our sexual desire (or lack there of) into the other persons responsibility? Why do we become so selfish and protective when it comes to sex? Why does sex make some people feel loved at the same time it makes the other person feel used? Why is it that when it comes to sex, "my needs" are more important than "your needs"?
    My Mother always told me that you should never rely on another person to make you happy. You will always turn up disappointed. Happiness comes from within. And within marriage, it is wonderful to share your happiness with another.
    Aren't Mothers always right?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I agree with anonymous June 29,2014
    Many of these comments make it sound like sex is more important than marriage. It is the wives duty to supply the sexual fix that their man needs lest they be left high and dry. What an attitude!
    Unlike women, mens essence of masculinity depends on his sexual prowess. From many of the above replies you can tell that men feel closer and more willing to help out AFTER they get their sexual fix. That's because they actually do feel better after sex...that is, until their sexual urges show up again. They don't feel like men if they don't get their sex.
    You should see the emotions (yes, I said emotions) that will erupt when a man is told he has to have prostate surgery. It doesn't matter how supportive or understanding the wife may be, the ONLY concern is for what is going to happen to his erections. Wow, like he won't be the same person if his penis no longer works. That's what I mean, men need sex to define who they are. But, the most frustrating thing for them is that they need women to make them feel like men. And it frustrates them when you won't "help them feel better"
    Men, don't underestimate women. If we have been married for very long, we know it all comes down to the sex. You can try to beg us, and badger us, and make us feel worthless but over the years, you have shown your true colors. Face it, you NEED the sex or you're unhappy and are going to make everyone else unhappy around you. But why should we give it to you whenever you NEED it? Most women don't NEED it and are not defined by it.
    I am sorry for your curse of male-hood. Most animals in the wild kingdom don't get sex very often. Only when the female is fertile and only if she accepts you.. providing another male didn't beat you up first. Get over it, women don't need sex as much as men. I hate to break it to you, but you are not king! I bet if you left your woman and went out on the hunt and started begging and complaining like you do in marriage, that ' would be' partner would drop you like a hot potato. Women, quite feeling guilty!! It is what it is! Men need to learn to cope.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Yes, Aaron, sex can be a wonderful part of a marriage. A tender communication and bonding that is shared Only with the one you married.
    But it is also in a marriage that it can make you feel cheap and unloved when the woman feels like all the man wants is sex. No wonder many of us turn off and tune out. Many of us don't need sex as often as the man so when we are hounded to "just roll over" whenever advances are made, we know its all about the sex. No wonder we say NO. If you needed a big hug or a shoulder rub instead, we would probably love to give you one. But because men are the way they are (porno, prostitutes, strip bars, staring at other women, etc.) we have been conditioned to feel cheap if it is not a mutual agreement. It makes us feel resentful and bad about ourselves. No wonder we say NO. And don't ask us why we aren't in the mood. WE don't know! We come up with excuses hoping you might forget about sex for a while. Believe me, we can still love you and not feel into sex. Sorry if that concept doesn't compute. Just remember, mutual agreement makes everyone feel better.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I've found each of the posts in some way helpful. My wife is my best friend, we have thee great kids, and a wonderfully integrated extended family. We don’t enjoy most of the same things, and don’t always agree on matters related to our kids, money, or how to get from A to B. We’ve each made our share of mistakes, but still truly love each other. We very much have a HDP (me)/LDP (her) issue. This has led to feelings of being disconnected or even worse alone over the years. I used to believe she did not love me, or that she was selfish, or many of the other comments expressed here. This led to feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and even thoughts of suicide. I felt she depends upon me, but frustrated with feeling she did not need, want, or desire me. This along with several other reasons led me to pull away, and become distant. She felt this, and in time it led to her own feelings of isolation and loneliness. She viewed my attempts to get close to her as me just wanting sex. She nor I really understood that sex was my way of connecting, and instead she just viewed it as I was trying to get laid. In time her own resentment along with many other circumstances, on an individual night led to an indiscretion on her part. We chose to work through it, but our problems never resolved themselves. In time, I had an affair, which made me feel happy because I was getting the love and affection I had been craving for so long. I was happy, outside of knowing that what I was doing was wrong. In time, I also realized the affair was not real in that it was a secret. Therefore, it did not involve other life pressures that come as part of the marriage such as children, finances, work, family, and life in general. Therefore, that relationship was never really real or complete. I liken it to filling and sealing a piece of wood in that while I felt brittle, broken, and incomplete the affair only filled in the cracks of what was missing. The main relationship of everything else in life was still shared with my wife. In time the relationship ended, because I had to understand what it was about me that my wife could not love me like I needed. What we came to realize is that it was not me, it was her, only we did not know why. Adding to the problem is a new medical issue that further inhibits her desire. I so desperately want her to fill in the cracks of what’s missing in me, but it seems that’s just not possible. So what is one left to do? She and I have been very honest in our discussion, but we don’t know what to do. We’re both ready to give up if we can’t come to a better solution, but both feel ending a marriage is a mistake. What I’d appreciate are real recommendations/alternatives for a couple who both understand, and still want to make it work. What compromises can we make? I can’t expect nor do I want her to “roll-over and give in”, we both deserve more than that. I’m going to share with her this blog, and appreciate knowing the commonality of HDP’s and LDP’s. I’d appreciate a discussion or recommendation on the alternatives that can bridge the gap.

  1. Anonymous said...:


    “The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it's really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.”

    Dude, trust me you are NOT the only one and it just doesn’t happen to guys with their wives. It also happens to happen to women with their husbands. You would not believe how many women feel the same way you do, me included. Seriously when I started reading your post I started crying cause that is exactly how I feel all the time.

    Your spouse never wanting to have sex is like the worst feeling in the world. Not only do you feel rejected but you also feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. At least that is how I feel all the time. You wanna know the worst part? The worst part is when women bring up their being rejected by their husbands every other answer blames them for it.


    “Oh, you must be fat if he wont have sex with you”
    “Oh you must be ugly if he wont have sex with you”
    “Oh you aren’t good enough because you cant compare to porn stars who are better than you will ever be”

    Its freaking horrible, and those types of responses just make it all so much worse. I have literally gone at least two months at a time being ignored and rejected every time I even hint at wanting to have sex. The excuse is always the same either he is “too tired” or “forgot” he promised to come to bed at a decent time so we could have sex. Who the hell gets that tired when they do nothing but watch disgusting ass porn all day?!

    Its like living in hell and if you say ANYTHING about it you are the bad person and they are the injured party. You are the one who has to go day after day being ignored and treated like you don’t exist but THEY are the “victims” no matter how horrible they treat you, no matter how many times they ignore you, no matter how much you suffer day after day, its always your fault.

    “It's gotten to the point where I'll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like "What time is it?" or "are any of the kids awake?" It seems to me like she's trying to find excuses not to have sex with me.”

    Seriously dude, that is exactly how it is with my husband except we don’t have kids so he uses playing facebook games all night as an excuse to ignore me and refuse sex.

  1. anoynymous said...:

    if your partner does not or give excuses for not having sex it is time to get out but first talk and talk about the lack of sex then give up and look elsewhere otherwise you will end up depressed or alcoholic

  1. Anonymous said...:

    In response to July 5, 2014

    There are no right answers when there are desire differences in a marriage. I have heard many people talk about how perfect their marriage is except for the sexual part. It seems we each need something from the other person that the other person has a hard time giving/or wanting. I am the Very low desire person in my marriage. We have been working at this for years. The one thing that seems to work for us is scheduling our dates. It seems to address several of the issues that arise. Michael Castlesman has a good article called Desire Differences. You can google it. It goes into more depth. I'm not sure it will help with the porn addiction though. Anyway, best of luck for both of you. You are not alone.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well for once if you are married, enjoying your husband's money, his house, his pets, his kids, his cars, his credit, his credit cards, his heating, his air conditioner, his food, his water, his company, his protection, stability, security, his love, his desire, his will to please you, among many other things a "wife"enjoys daily, the least you can do for him is to love him and to take care of your man, sheshh, I don't know, but maybe, as an act of love and appreciation, maybe?

    I mean, what the hell are you women thinking? That you can marry a man to enjoy everything he brings to the table and its commodities and that you can just take sex out of the picture of two married adults? while still enjoying his money, his house and everything else? And don't give me no krap about marriage is not all about sex, because it is. Maybe not 100% about SEX, but it IS a HUGE PART OF MARRIAGE, if not the center of it. You have to be very naive or just a plain liar to come up with such a stupid justification for lacking as a wife. Yeah that's right, if you are not having sex with your husband you are just slacking and not fulfilling your dank role in your marriage.

    I mean, do you really think that its all about heating a ready to eat frozen meal in the microwave, doing the laundry and watch you fav show after work is doing too much already as a wife, so you think is right for you to just stop there and withhold sex from your husband's and give it to him whenever/IF you decide to. Sex is not a reward idiots, its a husbands NEED!

    Perhaps your husband should also slack, just like the sexless wives, and maybe he should stop going to work or stop buying food or stop doing the yard or paying for your cable and internet, or stop cleaning the gutters or any other important basic things that are exhausting and annoying, just because it just takes too much time and effort to and is not something we desire to do anyway. You know, just like you not wanting or desiring to have sex with your husbands.

    Do you really think he was gonna marry you, buy you a house, take you on vacations, buy you things and bust his butt working for you if you would've told him you were gonna withheld and ration sex to him as you please once he married you?

    To me a wife not having regular sex with his husband is an intentional act of sabotage to the man and the marriage. Getting married involves having sex regularly and you women knew this but played your games and made a fool of your man, pretending you were ok with it, just to get a house, money, a social status or what?

    If you can't fulfill your job and duties as a wife you should move over, return everything, every investment and everything you got from your husband and give it back to him so he can replace you with a hotter younger model who will fulfill a real wife's role, which must include regular sex without nagging, complaining, acting out, or without pretending to use sex as a bargaing tool or treating it as a chore.

    Read this carefully and get it in your head women. SEX IS A HUSBANDS NEEDS NOT A TREAT! IT'S NOT NEGOTIABLE, IS A VERY IMPORTANT NEED THAT HAS TO BE MET AND FULFILLED BY A WIFE.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well that was very stupid. If youand your momma believed that "you should never rely on another person to make you happy" krap, why did she got married with another person?(your daddy I hope)and why would you think people marry? Isn't your mommy's understanding of happiness kinda, stupid and idiotic considering that the main reason for marriage to exist in the first place was to pursue happiniess with the person you love and that makes you happy to live with?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    No. Not like a prostitute. You should roll over every time he wants it, like a good wife should. It's ok you don't have any desire, but why should you punish your husband and make him suffer? If you don't want to orgasm, that fine, just don't. But you can't pretend its ok for you to deprive your husbands needsjust because you're not horny. That is your problem, not his.

    The same way if you are not hungry.but your family is, you just cook for.them because they are hungry, no matter if you are hungry or not. You serve them, but is your choice if you want to serve yourselfand eat or not. But you wouldn't just say to them; "Ahh, I'm not hungry and I do not want to eat, so neither should, must, will you." Can you read SELFISHNESS between the lines?

    If a wife decides not to have sex with her husband at anygiven time after marriage(aka after they made their catch), they should either bring him a younger hornier girlfriend to the room or give.him free time to meet women that know and are capable of satisfying a man's needs or just divorse and do not touch any money or properties of the husband since it was the lazy, sexless, cold, dry, olds hag's fault for not.doing her(universally expected)job as a wife, like any good wife would and should.

    So here's a memo for all present, past and future wives....WIVES MUST HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS REGULARLY IF THEY WANT TO BE AND STAY MARRIED OR ELSE YOU NEED TO BE REPLACED WITH A REAL GOOD WIFE WHO WOULD DO AND FULFILL HER WIFE DUTIES, WHICH STARTS WITH GIVING SEX REGULARLY TO THEIR HUSBAND.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Ok, since you sound like you are a bit lost on what to do, I'm gonna be your best friend and give you the secret to make your husband happy, happier than ever with you.

    YOU MUST DO 3 THINGS:

    FIRST, you must start working out today, NO ExCUSES(you want to be happy and fix this, right?). I recommend you do 100 squats or more a day-6 days a week. Remember SQUATS are a girl's best friend. Star low and build up so you don't get too sore or hurt.

    SECOND, you MUST DIET! If you have your doctor's okay, you can go as low as 1200 a day and start losing pounds of fat while looking harder and sexier for your husband than ever.

    THIRD, you MUST give your husband oral(bj) unexpectedly at least 2-3 times a week right after he showers, at random places(ie; under the shower, on the living room, on the stairs, etc.). And have intercourse at least 2-3 times a week on top of oral or equal amounts to 4-6 times a week total. You can always start sex with a BJ and I gurantee you that if you do it right and stop at the right time, your husband will drag you to bed and rip your clothes off every time.

    I mean, seriously. I can understand how hard can it be to turn on a wife of decades, but come'on, it isn't that hard to get your husband going, even if he is 96 years old. And to be honest, most wives can skip the first two and go straight to the third step and see instant results.

    P.S.
    Make sure you look him in the eyes while giving him oral and every now and then you need to tell him " I love you" right the second he is ejaculating. Powerful knowledge like this will fix any husband inthe world. Even if he is cheating on you,just up the times a day and times a week you do this and he will forget that skank faster than he can keep kumin.

    You're Welcome.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    And men wonder why women go off of sex?!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So, are you saying men should not wonder why women go off of sex?

    That sounds like saying that men should know women marry with the mentality and intentions to withdraw sex once they marry their man and secure their possessions. That's just plain wrong and dishonest. Fooling and deceiving your man into believing you were gonna hold to your end and fulfill the universal basic duties of a wife, is a serious offense. You would go to jail if you do.this the equivalent of this fraud in the corporate world. Why are the courts still giving most of the men's properties and money to women, even when they are at fault and the.reason to divorse? I think is about time.for a reality check and someone tells themtheir vagina is not made of gold and that their vaginas are replaceable.

    If you are one of the very few decent women out there, I'm not talking to you. Much respect.for being real good women. My hat off to you ladies.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Men wonder mostly because;

    (A) Because that was not part of the vows you took when you married.

    (B)Because people who marry expect SEX REGULARLY!

    (C)Because even though marriage is not 100% about sex, women SHOULD KNOW a marriage can't survive without it.

    (D)Because you were very sexual at the beggining and now you want to become a nun and withhold sex and expect men to see it as normal and natural when it is NOT normal.and is NOT natural.(married adults marry to FCK, to love to honor to protect and to met each others needs, and to FCK>FCK>FCK.....

    And for those feminist women who would call men pigs for wanting sex with their wives, remember you once (pretending or not) wanted and liked sex. Does that makes any of you Mrs. Piggy? No it does not.


    What are you serious? You sound like an ignorant teenager. Are you a teenager?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I can only assume this is in response to suggestions posed from those like Anonymous July 8, 2014 at 12:30 PM. I feel it's important for everyone to remember that what people need, from a sexual perspective, is different from person to person. It's not a matter of being a male or female, but rather a person with individual needs. Those needs can change over time just as a LDP's needs change. I'm sure we can all assume that if there was a HDP/LDP situation at the beginning of a relationship, then it probably would not have progressed to marriage. On the other note regarding being overweight, if a person not willing to do their best to be healthy in life, and make efforts for themselves, or their significant other, then they're really not engaged or invested in the relationship. I'm the HDP, but I choose to keep in shape for my own health, and to give one less reason for my wife not to want me. One can make all the excuses in the world, unless medical, but should strive to be healthy and well maintained. That said, I agree with an earlier comment that it is biology, and their are HDP's and LDP's. When that happens communication is the only medicine, and that can't save it, but perhaps if a split is necessary it can be done in a good way. This is nobody's fault. Bottom Line: If you love your partner you should always make efforts to do things, which make them happy. Why would you not want someone you love to be happy? Why should it be a burden? If it feels like anything else, then ask if it's the right relationship at that point in your life.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I very much agree with the previous post about the fact that if there was a HDP/LDP 'known' situation in the begging of the relationship, it probably wouldn't have led to marriage. But, Pat Love has unearthed some interesting information about the infatuation period of a romance. You must read it: Google What is this thing called Love? by Pat Love. It might just explain how so many marriages end up with, what I call, mismatched libido syndrome. Also, in understanding the possible reasons behind infatuation, it could help the two partners understand how they ended up with that "stranger" they married. The LDP truly is not trying to punish the HDP! The LDP is living with what they were genetically programed to be AND the HDP is living with what they were genetically programed to be. They just don't ~feel~ eye to eye, so the speak. Isn't it a shame we aren't all the same? All of these problems would be solved.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Oh my gosh your a mans fantasy
    Something definitely wrong with him

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To anonymous I have to say (I believe all those strong comments about the need for sex for men are juat one anonymous) you are so spot on althoug you might sounds a little on the rough side but your spot on
    My situation is married for 20 years and forever have to beg bear in mind I would say about95% of the time she has some really great orgasms but she will never inneceate sex ever ever its starts off always as a burden I have to do all while she lays like a stiff log .let me finish off we love each other inALL other areas but this is an ongoing fight I beg her just show me your intrested sometimes (and no it does not have to be every night)
    Looking forward to your response

  1. Anonymous said...:

    As we have read there is ALWAYS an hdp and a ldp in a relationship, however much can be done to help.Although most of the comments are dwelling on sex alone there is more often than not underlying issues in the relationship. Has the woman/man let themselves go unkempt ?bad habits ? Do they use "bullying" tactics to express their frustrations (like my husband of 20 years)do they make it special for their partner example wine or music (but for goodness sake NOT EVERY time and not when its been a long hectic day)I have been married for 2 decades never ever has my husband not complained one way or another about our sex life.We have had some good times but those are quickly forgotten.It is ALWAYS my fault and I had to read and read all types of books so I can realize what is "wrong" with me.Unfortunately all it did was make me aware how clueless he is in the bedroom and why I was not able to "perform" as he wished.
    DO NOT PLACE BLAME on either party whoever is distressed in the relationship GO GET HELP and stop thinking its ONLY the other ones fault LOOK WITHIN you will be very surprised how your sex life will turn around!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How does she have "some really great orgasms" whilst laying like a "stiff" log? Sounsd to me u are resenting having to take the time to turn her on this can take time for a woman. If u "beg" her to show interest it is an ultimate turn off.Do not beg just take the time to make it special you will be pleased with the results.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Perhaps things might make more sense if we played a role reversal (with some exaggeration to get the point across). Let's say you married the love of your life and She needs to have sex 3 x's a day but it has to be 3 hours apart. You might be able to keep up with this for a short time but my guess is after a while your body will refuse to have an erection every 3 hours 3 x's in a row day after day. Then your wife tells you she needs it every three hours in order to feel close to you and feel loved. But your body won't cooperate and you soon feel like you are unable to satisfy your wife. You begin to lose self confidence so you find yourself starting to avoid hugging and kissing because you know where it will lead and you know you won't be able to perform. So now your wife feels rejected and is afraid you don't love her anymore. She starts begging you for sex but she doesn't feel satisfied unless it's every 3 hours. This goes on day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. You start to lose your desire to have sex with her because it has become a job and you no longer enjoy it. She soon tells you that if you can't give her the intimacy she needs in a marriage, she will leave and find someone who can. Isn't that what marriage is for anyway, to meet each others needs sexually? At this point, you have forgotten what it feels like to be horny because you haven't had the chance to get horny in a long time. At the same time, your wife would truly Love you to initiate the encounters. It would make her feel sexy and desired to know that you want her in that way. It feeds her ego. But by now, you just can't force yourself to start the encounters because you no longer have it in you to try to keep up with her. Your body can't climax that close together. You almost dread trying. So you back off even more. You start to resent her demands to make her feel loved and cherished. You stay up at night hoping she has fallen asleep before you crawl into bed. You make yourself busy and come up with excuses to not start a sexual encounter because you no longer enjoy sex. It has become a chore. Everything else is perfect in your relationship except for the sex which has become a huge issue.

    Now, there are some differences in the above example. Men usually won't require sex every three hours to feel satisfied and women don't need to get an erection in order for intercourse to occur. Lucky us.

    But it might help with understanding how an LDP wife who doesn't get horny very often has a hard time keeping up with the HDP husbands sex drive. She has tried month after month, year after year until she has lost all interest in trying. She never gets the chance to feel desire because the HDP requires encounters before her body feels her own natural desire well up inside. She is constantly fed before she is hungry. She has lost touch with her sexual self. And because sex is such an intimate thing, it is very hard to open up sexually when the desire has been lost. It's hard to muster sexual energy over and over again when it isn't naturally coming from within. It becomes work not enjoyment. And at the same time, we are told that it is our responsibility to meet our husbands sexual needs. They don't feel loved without sex. So we either keep having sex without the desire for sex or we say no, we don't have it in us to give right now.
    The only solution I see is that the HDP requests sex a little less often then they want and LDP has sex a little more often than they want. Don't expect hot sexual enthusiasm from the LDP and LDP, don't just lie there like a stiff log. Try to participate.
    Men have made it quite clear: Sex doesn't require love. But I guess we do feel that love requires sex.
    Go figure.


  1. Anonymous said...:

    If women don't have the biological motivation to engage in sex (testosterone) and don't get that physical release and warm, connected, loving feeling that men get after sex, then why do women engage in sex at all?
    They probably wouldn't very often.
    So if men are so frustrated with women for not wanting sex, why don't they lower their testosterone to meet that of a woman's?
    Because in puberty, they developed a love affair with their libido and their penis. And somewhere along the way, men also came to believe that sex is the only way they can feel connected and loved.
    Oh, and it's very macho to want and have sex all the time. They wouldn't be men without it.
    So it is the women's responsibility in a relationship to make the man feel connected and loved and manly?
    Yes, it seems that way.
    Well, what other than that, motivates a woman to have sex with her husband?
    Well, if the husband were smart, he would find a way to give sex some form of value for her. He should want her to somewhat enjoy it and make it easy for her to want to keep giving it.
    Perhaps men could start with something other than complaining, pestering, hinting, pushing and telling her it's her responsibility to make him feel good. If a woman doesn't get any emotional and/or physical fulfillment from sex and her husband keeps wanting it, asking for it, crying when he doesn't get, she will soon start to resent sex, because the only thing she will get from "giving in" is shutting her husband up for a while. Not a positive motivator. They need to make it easy for her to engage, not turn her off.
    Hopefully, before the woman grows to actually hate sex, the two of them could find a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for the woman. Each couple will need to get creative because each woman will probably find something in or around the act that might eventually bring her something to look forward to.
    But, if this little war has been going on for a time, the best place for the man to start is to BACK OFF . Pretend you don't need sex for a while. Remember when you were 16 or 18 and your sex drive was much higher than it is now and you weren't getting sex every 2-3 days? Do now what you did then, heavens, it looks like you lived through it. Give her time to think about how the two of you can start a fresh. If she has grown an aversion to sex, this may take some time. Go back to being her best friend . Enjoy plain old fashioned time together. Yes, be roommate for a short time.
    Then find something she may enjoy during your love making. Even something little. Begin or end with a back rub (FOR HER). Get creative, the goal is to find some form of enjoyment for her. Maybe, chocolate sundaes afterwards? Something she can take away from the experience other than just the man's satisfaction. It doesn't have to be an orgasm....often too much work for little pleasure.
    Something to help her look forward to the next time.

    The other solution the man has is to leave her and go in search of the elusive horny females that roam the earth. Then you can stand in line with all the other frustrated males hoping to win the juicy tomato for their own. But if you win her, just remember, she may not turn out to be that dream girl of your fantasies. There is that day to day living thing that often gets in the way of our wishes. Probably better to work things out with someone you know you love. It's a good place to start , especially if you have formed a family (remember, one of the reasons you married)?
    Anyway, no one said that marriage was easy.
    Best of luck.


    Still working on it myself.






  1. Anonymous said...:

    It sure sounds like the HDP and the LDP have a hard time understanding each other. Perhaps because we are coming from two completely different starting points. I am the LDP in a very long term marriage. When we were dating and the first few years we were married we had pretty compatible libidos. I loved making love to my husband. Then we had a baby and for some reason after that, my sex drive took a nose dive. My husband couldn't understand that those lusty feelings I once had for him just disappeared. I didn't understand it either, all I knew was that I still loved him more than anything but that inside feeling of needing to be sexual with my husband just wasn't there anymore. I also couldn't understand how he could feel that I didn't love him anymore. It made no sense to me that if I didn't lust after his body, to him, it meant I didn't love him.
    Farthest thing from the truth! But because it was causing him so much distress, I started taking herbs to increase my libido. That didn't work. I tried vaginal creams and hormones. Nothing brought back that body craving for sex.
    Because my husband still had those cravings and was getting frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for sex, I just kept having sex with him anyway. But overtime, that lack of physical need or drive for sex started making me feel depressed after we made love. I guess it was because I wasn't getting anything from our sessions: I didn't feel the connectedness anymore, all I was doing was going through the motions. Since there wasn't a mutual satisfaction going on, I started not enjoying sex. It was like all my body was good for was for his enjoyment not mine. I couldn't get that feeling of wanting/needing intimacy back. So I had just become an empty shell of a body. I still loved my husband but the desire for love making wasn't there and I was not getting any warm fuzzies....no fulfillment. I actually started not wanting it anymore. I often would cry alone when I knew we would be making love later because I just didn't think I could keep going through the motions for ever and ever and not enjoying one thing about it.
    I tried everything I could think of to get my libido back. I missed it also. But nothing has helped....herbs, hormones, sexy movies and books. It's not like I haven't tried! Years later, I have found that my testosterone level has basically dropped to zero from menopause. For health reasons I can't take supplements of testosterone.
    I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never feel those lusty feelings again.
    I just want everyone to know that low libido persons ( from no fault of their own) are often hurting too. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because I can't give my husband the one thing he truly needs! I feel like a failure as a wife and lover. Oh how I wish sex wasn't all that important!
    Thank God I have been blessed with a wonderful understanding husband. We have managed to work on the issue and have come up with a good balance for the two of us. It's been hard for him to understand that my love for him has never dwindled even though my lust for his body has.
    Time has been a savior ,in that, slowly my husbands sex drive has decreased though, I don't think he has noticed:)
    Our marriage has survived without him feeling too deprived and without me feeling to used up sexually. We have always loved each other and look forward to sitting in those rocking chairs on the front porch together.
    There is hope but only if we try to understand where each other is coming from and find a comfortable compromise for both parties.
    Marriage truly is wonderful!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    There are many men out there complaining about their partners low sex drive. It must be natural for women's sex drive to dive at some point because it is such a common occurrence. I have known several women that have tried all kinds of remedies that truly haven't worked. Myself included. There doesn't happen to be a female viagra out there yet.
    But, there are several known medications that will lower sex drive. Perhaps these frustrated men could talk to their doctors about giving one a try. I've heard several men comment on their decreased sex drive on these pills as actually being liberating. The frustration is gone. The sexual thoughts just disappear. The need to masturbate or have sex doesn't even enter their minds. What a relief! Life is good! Much of what a low libido person feels.
    So, if the wife has tried everything to boost her libido ( of course it's her responsibility to try first) to match that of the partners to no avail, why doesn't the husband try something to lower his to her level? He might find it quite pleasant.
    And, it just might save a marriage. Quit complaining and do something about it. Then, when the pink viagra comes to the market, men can stop their pills and women can start their pills. Everybody wins!
    This could even work for the women with the higher sex drive than her partner. Just a thought.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My wife and I have been married for three years, I have always loved sex and wow I don't know of I am good at it any more or just a hubby for the wife to cuddle, we have three kids both work shifts and yes we do our fair share of house work, but I don't know what to do to make her want even once a week a lil romance time with us two sharing a passion of fun in the bedroom, I feel like I am 60 and not 33 years no disrespect to the elders but really, it's been 5 months and I feel really really low in confidence, I go on a stag do could a romance but love my wife millions had to just walk off pretending to be rat assed to get rid of the girl because lads temptation is not worth the family you have, I just don't have a sex life any more I don't even ask much once in two months, I get my back hurts"I have been feeling rough and all you think about is sex" no luv I don't just think about sex I miss sex, I don't know how I can see us staying strong together if she does not want one night of passion/fun a month I would be happy. I am scared I am not going to be able to stay with her if this carries on, I don't know what to do say or even think, my wife and my family mean the world.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Ok so he says lets shag I say im a bit tired let me catch a snooze then I will wake up for a midnight snack . I wake up in the middle of the night to start the session and he says go back to sleep.
    So I do . He gives me the silent treatment the whole day . I try to talk to him about the previous night he doesn't seem to care about the conversation so I kept quiet . He decides to read a book in the lounge while we were watching tv then took off to bath and then from nowhere says lets shag . DO MEN KNOW THE MEANING OF AFFECTION!? DO YOU REALIZE THE THINGS YOU PUT A WOMEN THROUGH BEFORE YOU DROP THE SEX BOMB!?Think about it before you ask your wife to just open an pass the peach . Been married for 7 yrs and my hubby still doesnt get me

  1. Anonymous said...:

    If only women knew how much men have to sacrifice, we go and earn money, go through shitty hell, and come back we have to satisfy our wives, satisfy our kids, if we dont we get scolded by our wives, we dont get sex, its not like the wives come to you tell you what she wants, she will play mind games that hey you have to figure out what i want, women are not easygoing at all, they have expectations at so many levels, this is why guys cheat, we have high sex drive built in, if you only knew how much we compromise with that, and women want someone to talk to and share stuff and fairy tale sex, ALL THE TIME!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Familiarity in a long term relationship tends to squelch a women's sexual desire. We don't have the hormones that keep us craving sex for our partners over the years. After the thrill is gone and after years of hearing a man fart upon waking, pick his nose while he's driving, and "rearranging himself" when he sits down, sex actually loses its appeal all together. A long term relationship leads to familiarity which in turn can lead to a strong loving relationship but it often doesn't include hot steamy sexual thoughts on the women's part.
    I believe all this talk about how a marriage needs sexual intimacy to stay strong is everyones way of saying that the men need sex and if they don't get sex the relationship suffers.
    Women have known this for ever.
    I remember my grandmother talking about "just doing it" to keep him happy. It seemed to help keep marriages together. Along with the fact that family had more importance than personal satisfaction in society in the past. Now a days, personal needs and wants are much more important than the social structure of marriage.
    Still, I can only imagine the number of married women out there suffering in silence giving sex to their husbands and cringing inside just to keep the marriage alive because they love their husband.
    I wonder who suffers more, the man who isn't receiving the sex he deserves or the women who is having sex she truly doesn't want for the sake of keeping her partner happy?
    It seems like men often feel sex is more important than a marriage and if they don't get their sex, they think about leaving or cheating.
    A women often feels the marriage and her love for her husband is more important than the sex so she tolerates years of sex she doesn't want or crave to keep her husband happy.
    Now that women are starting to express their own needs and desires, and deciding to not engage in sex they don't want , we may actually begin to see a collapse of marriage as we've known it. Women will stop giving of themselves when they aren't interested. Perhaps, in this new age of personal independence, our sexual needs (or lack of sexual needs) ARE more important than family structure, long term companionship, and love.

  1. It never ceases to amaze me and at the same time sadden me, the ignorant closed minded views circulating about women and sex.

    I am a 37 year old mom, who wants, thinks about, and desires sex all the time! It kills me when people say that women don't need or even want it as much as men. Leaving men to be viewed as wild animals and shamed for wanting sex with this wives.

    My theory is that many women haven't connected with their own sexuality and have never felt free to develop and explore their own sexual wants, needs and desires. There seems to be a major disconnect from their inner sensual/sexual self.

    This is something EVERY women needs to discover and nurture from within whether, married, single, gay, straight or anything in between.

    There's a strength, confidence and powerful self identity that is connected to a woman and her inner sexual being.

    When you find your inner self, you'll discover that sex isn't a favor your doing for your husband, but a sensual act of expressing your needs and desires that's fulfilling for your own sexual self.

    Which brings me to my closing point, women need to explore themselves and discover what turns them on or off for that matter. If you don't know, how the heck is he supposed to? Communication is key. Free yourself from the chains of popular thinking and find your inner sexual self. Sex isn't bad or something to feel shamed or guilty about wanting.

  1. It never ceases to amaze me and at the same time sadden me, the ignorant closed minded views circulating about women and sex.

    I am a 37 year old mom, who wants, thinks about, and desires sex all the time! It kills me when people say that women don't need or even want it as much as men. Leaving men to be viewed as wild animals and shamed for wanting sex with this wives.

    My theory is that many women haven't connected with their own sexuality and have never felt free to develop and explore their own sexual wants, needs and desires. There seems to be a major disconnect from their inner sensual/sexual self.

    This is something EVERY women needs to discover and nurture from within whether, married, single, gay, straight or anything in between.

    There's a strength, confidence and powerful self identity that is connected to a woman and her inner sexual being.

    When you find your inner self, you'll discover that sex isn't a favor your doing for your husband, but a sensual act of expressing your needs and desires that's fulfilling for your own sexual self.

    Which brings me to my closing point, women need to explore themselves and discover what turns them on or off for that matter. If you don't know, how the heck is he supposed to? Communication is key. Free yourself from the chains of popular thinking and find your inner sexual self. Sex isn't bad or something to feel shamed or guilty about wanting.

  1. XOman said...:

    So after all the excuses in the world you couldn't jerk the dude off or give them a hand job in my opinion people do what they want to do excuses excuses

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have same problem! Beginning to wonder if its work it!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Annonymous...really.!?!?..what if the man has done all of the above...stopped pressuring...given her space...been there for her...been the best friend...helped out more around the house...masterbate in private to relieve his urges and it has been years...supported her through medical issues...job issues and still no end in sight.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    what about the spouse who cant have sex without talking about my past sexual experiences,or about the possibility of having sex with other people. He wants me to talk about me having sex with women or men, or having a personal sex slave. He wants to come on my face, or make me swallow. He wants to put things himself or other items in my butt... then he gets angry if I cant comply and constantly tells me I reject him by not doing what he wants. Needless to say we fight about sex often. He tells me I am an anomaly because I don't fantasize or want to engage in sex like he does. Am I a freak? Do I have sexual dysfunction because these things don't work for me? He has actually moved out because he says he needs someone who respects him, and wants to be with him

  1. Anonymous said...:

    S R august 4th raised a different side to many an argument,as we could start to lay blame on either sex,i am a 50 year old man with a sex drive i would call normal that is i love my partner i enjoy the intimate moments, i feel as she and myself connect when we have sex,but like most comments on here i now find that due to peri-menopause and many a symptom related to this,things have changed,yes we have sex but i dont believe myself she is really connecting ,she says she loves me but when the mood or should i say she is not too tired she will just come to bed and just face me,no touching as in none specific just nothing.i initiate i touch then she will me but i can say it does feel like its an allowance im given and this is not true desire on her part.the strange thing is peri menopause can do a lot and the woman faces so much turbulance inside her,its true a mans hormones decrease less over time,but the sad fact is we and our loving wives or partners face a real challenge,it does hurt when you think she dont love you or she has no desire for you,but look anywhere o the www,and you will see that this time of life can kill a relationship,all we can do is be supportive. but if sex or the need for it is so great i myself think you cannot blame the woman who is in the change nor can us men be said to be just creatures who always want sex under any situation,both sexes should learn or face the door that says exit !

  1. Joshua Cash said...:

    Aaron, I know it's a year later, but the article is written well and I think is equally directed at both male and female LDP/HDP. I am the HDP in my relationship and I have to agree that this whole scenario from both sides suck even when one of you is not as bitter as some of your other viewers seem to be. Because I know and understand when being a HDP can sometimes be overbearing (because of it and LDP being a biochemical reaction to your environment) for you and your partner, I am trying a supplement called chasteberry. It has been touted as helping level out low libido and high libido individuals. However, because it does interact with the endocrine system and dopamine levels, and because we're not Psychiatrists, I cannot say "take this" and obviously this may not work for everyone. All I can say, is if anyone reading loves their partner more than their sex cravings, there is a way. Always do whatever is right by you and then make sure no matter how uncomfortable it may be that you discuss your worries and concerns with your partner. As long as there is still hope for your relationship, there can be hope for your sex life. Until things come around try to remember when you both started dating and try to impress or demonstrate your feelings in the same way. Also try to handle your urges in the same way you used to as well. This is a very complex issue, but a part of the problem for a HDP is that we've gotten used to having sex as a release (both hormones and neural chemicals are released during sex that are unlike anything else, but can be addicting like a drug to a HDP). There is hope, if both parties want it to get better, but it took both of you to get to this point, so it will take both of you to get out. If sex is more important to you than the relationship or sex with your partner now disgusts you, I would say it's time to move on, for both of you. Good luck.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of an erotic sexual encounter; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To Joshua Cash above,

    Good for you for at least trying to help your situation and understanding what your wife is going through!
    I admire your commitment to your wife and marriage though things have changed over the years. Best of luck and I do hope the Casteberry helps relieve some of your tensions. You are truly a breath of fresh air.

  1. Hopeful said...:

    In response to SR Aug. 4

    Spot on! Many women have never learned to enjoy sex. And when you don't enjoy something, you usually don't desire or want it. Question is, how do women learn how to enjoy sex? And, if they have been having sex and not enjoying it for years, how do you convince them they can still learn to enjoy it?

    And to XOman Aug. 4

    My guess is many women Do jerk the man off or actually have sex with them for the mans sake yet when they do this over and over again and get nothing from it in return (enjoyment/fulfillment), it gets old real fast. It becomes the sex that the guy needs (a lot!) I think SR is right. For many women, sexual pleasure doesn't come naturally. It has to be learned. When women give sex over and over again (because they are supposed to) and when they get no pleasure in it, it only makes sense they will get tired, bored, and resentful, and not want to do it anymore.
    Somehow women need to open up to the possibility that they just might be able to find some enjoyment from making love to their partners. Society tells us that everyone loves sex, it feels, good and we need lots of it. But to those women who never have enjoyed sex, it sure makes us feel broken, like there is something wrong with us, and that we will never feel pleasure from sex.
    I think we need to realize women don't work like men. We need to learn how to learn to enjoy sex.
    If you can't beat um, join um right?

    SR or anyone, have you got any suggestions on how to try to enjoy sex?

  1. Sending you strength said...:

    To Aug. 8th

    You are NOT an anomaly! You are a women who has respect for herself. He sounds like the type of guy who is looking for a live sex toy. It is that type of behavior that gives men a bad name. Women should NEVER put up with that kind of treatment. ..I truly hope there isn't any abuse involved.
    Best of luck to you and remember to keep your self respect and stay strong!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Or maybe I'll bend over backwards give her a few days where I take care of the kids, do the chores, give massages, and watch chick flicks with her and she still doesn't want anything to do with sex. Actually there's no maybe about it. I'm sorry, but you woman think you know what you want, but when you get it you're still not satisfied I'm about to lose it

 
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