"She Never Wants Sex!"

Wow! I had a lot of responses from people about my last post where one of my readers had a problem that her husband always wants sex. Lots of people wrote me telling me about how that post really spoke to them and was really fitting for their situation. I even had one husband write me about a typical reciprocal problem: "My Wife Never Wants Sex". I thought it would be a good followup to my last post. So with his permission (and all identifying information removed) here is his letter as well as my response.

What About Spouses Like Me Whose Spouse Never Wants to Have Sex?


Dear Aaron,

I loved your last blog post about the husband who always wants sex. It was good to see there are other
couples out there like me and my wife. I do have one complaint, though. Your article was for the person whose spouse always wants sex and what they can do to help their situation. What about the other side of the coin? What about those spouses (like me) whose spouse never wants sex?

I feel like I need sex in order to really feel connected with my wife. Like you said in your last post, it's one thing we share in our relationship that we don't share with anyone else. So sex is really important to me because it helps me feel connected with her in a way I can't (and don't want to) connect with anyone else. It really makes me feel loved when we have sex. The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it's really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.

It seems like she's always trying to find reasons not to have sex


It's gotten to the point where I'll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like "What time is it?" or "are any of the kids awake?" It seems to me like she's trying to find excuses not to have sex with me. No matter how I answer the questions it seems like she uses that as a reason to not have sex. She'll say that she's not in the mood to have sex because the kids are still awake...or that she's not in the mood  because the kids are asleep and she just wants "down" time. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she never wants sex.

Any information you can give for the one who is always being rejected sexually by their spouse would really be helpful.

Sincerely,

Feeling Rejected.



Dear Feeling Rejected,

Thanks for your letter. I'm glad you like my blog. I'm also sorry for your situation. Lots of spouses come to see me for marriage counseling with stories similar to yours: one spouse doesn't want sex as much as the other which leaves the one who wants it more feeling rejected and pushed aside. The rejected spouse also expresses  wonder about whether their spouse really loves them or if they think of them more like a roommate. This is really typical. Thanks for letting me share it on my blog because I think this will be helpful with a lot of people.

The Low Desire Partner Controls When, Where and How Often Sex Occurs


As I mentioned in my previous post, in EVERY relationship there's a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship the LDP determines when, where and how often sex occurs. The LDP doens't realize they have this sort of control. In their mind, they feel like the HDP is the one who has control because the HDP is the one who who is always initiating it - the LDP doesn't have a chance to initiate because the HDP is always doing it.

In addition, the LDP usually feels pressured to have sex because the HDP makes advances so often. So even the times when they want to have sex they feel like they're just giving in to the pressure. This results in them feeling like they're not having the sex they really want. Especially since (as mentioned above) they never get a chance to initiate it which means they're even less likely to have sex exactly when, where and how they want it.

As the HDP who is always being rejected, one thing you can do is to express your sexual desire in terms of connection and intimacy and not just about sex. Instead of saying "Hey honey, you in the mood?" You could try saying something like "I've been downstairs thinking about you and how great you are to me all the time". and then make a sexual advance. The first one might have the intention of connecting but she won't hear it that way. The second is much more clear that you've been having connecting thoughts and want to share that connection with her sexually.

Give Your Spouse a Road Sign


Another thing you can do is give your spouse a road sign about what she can do to help you feel less rejected. Sometimes she just won't want to have sex. You can't expect her to have sex every time you want - that's selfish. But she can not want to have sex AND help you not feel rejected at the same time. She can say things like "Honey, I'm not in the mood right now but what can I do to show you that I still love and want you?". Or "Honey I'm not in the mood, but what can I do help you come?" She probably doesn't want you to feel rejected. She just needs you to give her a road sign of how she can do that and still not feel pressured to have sex anyway.

Regards,

Aaron


16 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How about the opposite situation, when the husband never wants sex? I expressed my feelings, frustrations, took upon myself to find books, articles, even bent so far to his will that it's was a couple of months before we would connect and even then it was a rushed time. I have tried everything from asking him to go to counseling, talking, crying, writing things down, angry, frustrated etc. He never listened or would discuss anything not even to compromise. Fed up with being the roommate, unwanted, desired and taken for granted.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Sorry for the slow response anonymous. I'll put it in another post. In the mean time, there's a little info about when you're the higher desire partner in my post about She never wants sex. Sure, it's about a wife who never wants sex but you can change the gender in the article and it almost all applies still. I'll write an article about it for you, though, if you'd like. Here's the article: http://blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com/2012/11/she-never-wants-sex.html

  1. goldenroot365 said...:

    There is always a simple explanation for this, whether that be emotional problems, or just some form of sexual problem that they are embarrassed about. Whatever it is, the best thing to do would be to speak to them about it and try and resolve the problem together.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Goldenroot,

    Thanks for the comment. You're absolutely right. The best things it to talk about it together and try to resolve it...it's not always as easy as it sounds though :-)

  1. Kyla said...:

    Personally I think that some men do not understand the life of a mother or how we are feeling when in their mind it is time to have sex. In my life I spent all day at university, when I get home I spend time with my son (not enough time) then I start cooking and cleaning while trying to spend more time with my son and finding time to workout. My significant other comes home around 5pm while I'm cooking and from the time he comes home until the time he sleeps he has his "me time". When all is done, everyone is fed and my son is bathed I put him to bed and then clean up again. When all this is done, Then I have time for myself to catch up on my favourite TV show, or take an extra long bath or even just go on a walk for fresh air but my spouse wants me to forget about what I want to do with my time and expects me to run upstairs and get naked which is the last thing on my list of things to do. I mean I love to make love with him but Im not always thinking about it or wanting it, if there is time or if you want to wait for me thats fine but to me love is when he will come spend time with us because HE wants to, when he would help me out with one of my tidious chores, if im laying down come cuddle with me not try to "stick it in". I am exausted every day when my jobs are done but my hubby doesn't get that. Helping me out once in while would mean so much more to me than 20 minutes of humping and moaning. Just my personal opinion.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Kyla,

    You sound like you have a pretty good definition of meaningful sex. There is sometimes place in a relationship for sex just to have sex but these should be a minority (40% or less)of times. Sex should be a loving and intimately connecting experience for a couple. It sounds like you're exhausted at the end of the day and have a hard time feeling into it. Maybe try telling your spouse what he can do to help you get in the mood without just wanting to do it for the sake of doing it.

  1. Harun Bezzle said...:

    Lmfao! '20 minutes of humping and moaning' wow and you're having a chick fit about giving in for twenty, fiery, hardcore minutes out your day for things you'd love to induldge in? I understand you have your life and were not in stone aged times or even twenty years ago for that matter, but at the same time don't you see that your man all he wants is a little tlc?.. I personally feel more obliged to do housework and clean poopy diapers after a nice round of hot steamy sex..any men in here can reckon with this?..not to mention why wouldn't my wife want to when I'm sticking my head in between her pelvis and groins?.. look all I'm saying is the term and expression happy wife happy life is not always the case... what about have some sex and lets take care of business after the business has been finished? Get my drift. I don't understand why ol' high and mighty anderson won't get off his high horse and tell it how it is. Men always have to do something in order to achieve what the wife wants or needs..whether he has to watch a little sportscenter, smoke something or have a drink, a man loves to feel like a king and a wife who always a ldp isn't helping the cause for her or the family. Sex is the biggest way for men to connect with their lady.. not the next fling that comes strolling by. Its a reason why we have strong desire in deep relationship like marriage or whenever children are present. Men tend to base relationships off physical attraction and what they see opposed to women they love a story...women always look for man to game them u which is where I have to agree with aaron on giving your Leo a road sign.. communication is also key.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hey Harun,

    You're right when you say that men feel more inclined to do things for their spouse when they feel their sexual needs are being met. This shouldn't be the only thing, though. Sex is just one important part of the relationship. There are lots of other ways you can feel important and loved and like "you're a king" as you say. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sex is great but you can't have sex be the only thing that makes you feel like a king - especially if you're not getting it that often. There are many more.

    Does your partner know that sex helps you feel more connected to her and makes you want to be more available to her? Communicate with her but make sure not to get angry or else it becomes a fight...not a communication anymore.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi, i'm married since nearly 20 years and the last 5 or 6 i've been noticed a decrease of my sexual desire to the point that nowdays i'm not having any, so this cause unfurnatelly a lot of fights between my husband and I, I feel really really sad for this, and I've tried to change that but really can't do so much, when I went to my doctor, told him about this problem but didn't give me any solution, so right now I feel lost and helpless to improve my relationship.
    what could u advice to do? Thanks a lot for your time.

  1. MrRight said...:

    Its a cop out. Whatever the excuse is, is just an excuse. The person in the relationship that has the lowest drive is the one that is making the other persons life miserable.

    People with high drives should only be together with other people with high drives and those with low drives should only be with others with low drives.

    Dont go to counselling, dont go to therapy, dont try to work it out. Just get a divorce or break up. You will only be beating a dead horse and nothing will change and you will be miserable. Break up, find someone new that matches you exactly. Only then will it work.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    MrRight,

    Those are very absolute statements. And they haven't been my experience at all. As a counselor I see it all the time where couples with different levels of libido are able to work through it and get to a place where both are satisfied and create a romantic, passionate relationship.

  1. Sandeep Pal said...:

    My wife does not want to have sex, she doesn't like to talk about it also,I have been married just 11 month before , I have one time get intimate with her but only small foreplay is done ,when I touch her she tells what wiered you r doing.saggest me what I doesn't kiss her untill now.

  1. ReadyForChange said...:

    I cried when i read this blog. So relieved to read I'm not alone. My husband only wants sex at 4 am. He works from 3pm to 3am and expects me to wake up to his when he gets home for sex. I have trouble sleeping anyway and he knows this. We have all evening 4 days out of the week but he choose the nights he works to want to have sex and then gets mad when I refuse to wake up. I even fake sleeping just to get him to back off. I have ask him why can't he choose his days off for a romp in the hay and it's always the same response "so sorry I asked or even try" and I tell him I don't mind him asking but why can't it be on a night where we could have sex at 10pm and then both get a good nights rest? Oh and if I'm sick and don't even feel like rolling over to get out of bed he still expects sexual favors. If I tell him I don't feel well he acts like I just threw hot coals in his lap. If the tables are turned, he's the one sick, he acts just like I do. It is so frustrating that sex feels like a chore. I just do it to shut him up sometimes. Todays technology isn't any help either. He will text me and ask if we can have sex today and if I don't respond within a minute his response. " Just what I thought you'd say." What?! He don't give me a chance to answer before he's expecting a no. I offer oral sex, when I'm not in the mood just to compromise. He has started turning that down. Forget it, don't worry about it he says. I think he intentionally wants to make me feel bad about it, but what I can bear to tell him is I really could care less anymore. It's like all he thinks about lately is how he isn't being satisfied. It's not like I'm with holding sex, I've offered it up on his days off or even after the kids leave for school in the morning but it's like he don't want it unless it's when he wants it. I love him, but he's beginning to make it hard to love him. We have been married almost 20 years and this is how it's been for the last 5 years. What do you suggest?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Readyforchange it is quite simple. When you just offer it up to him or try to plan it out for some other time it isnt the same as when you are ready and rarin to go. I am sure you realize to that when you are in the mood sex feels better as opposed to planned out sex or sex that is offered to you just randomly.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'm somewhat in this boat. But the thing is, my wife is a tease and would rather tease me and talk about sex and tell me what I'm starting to think are lies. If she thinks I'm so sexy, and loves me, and always wants me to be there for her, and I'm her best friend and all that BS, then why... WHY won't she have sex with me? And when we do have sex, it really sucks. She never does anything I want, and if I ask for it she gets mad.

    I literally throw myself at her and she doesn't want me. Oh well, its been going on long enough that I think a visit to an escort is in good order. Shame on you wives who don't take care of your husbands. You think we're going to wait forever for you to be in the mood? Well if thats what you think then you're all stupid.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    We're not stupid, just understand our needs and concerns. Compromise a little, so you just pout and get mad when you can't have it your way allll the time?, really?, like that's going to really change something, if anything we'll fall out of love with you anyway. Start acting and dealing and understanding as a man and especially a husband, stop being selfish abd childish about the matter, becuz us as women and wives don't need more children to raise, but understanding and compramisation adult husbands. Try it you may get what you want. Gatty

 
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