"She Never Wants Sex!"

Wow! I had a lot of responses from people about my last post where one of my readers had a problem that her husband always wants sex. Lots of people wrote me telling me about how that post really spoke to them and was really fitting for their situation. I even had one husband write me about a typical reciprocal problem: "My Wife Never Wants Sex". I thought it would be a good followup to my last post. So with his permission (and all identifying information removed) here is his letter as well as my response.

What About Spouses Like Me Whose Spouse Never Wants to Have Sex?


Dear Aaron,

I loved your last blog post about the husband who always wants sex. It was good to see there are other couples out there like me and my wife. I do have one complaint, though. Your article was for the person whose spouse always wants sex and what they can do to help their situation. What about the other side of the coin? What about those spouses (like me) whose spouse never wants sex?


I feel like I need sex in order to really feel connected with my wife. Like you said in your last post, it's one thing we share in our relationship that we don't share with anyone else. So sex is really important to me because it helps me feel connected with her in a way I can't (and don't want to) connect with anyone else. It really makes me feel loved when we have sex. The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it's really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.

It seems like she's always trying to find reasons not to have sex


It's gotten to the point where I'll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like "What time is it?" or "are any of the kids awake?" It seems to me like she's trying to find excuses not to have sex with me. No matter how I answer the questions it seems like she uses that as a reason to not have sex. She'll say that she's not in the mood to have sex because the kids are still awake...or that she's not in the mood  because the kids are asleep and she just wants "down" time. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she never wants sex.

Any information you can give for the one who is always being rejected sexually by their spouse would really be helpful.

Sincerely,

Feeling Rejected.


Dear Feeling Rejected,

I'm also sorry for your situation. Lots of spouses come to see me for marriage counseling with stories similar to yours: one spouse doesn't want sex as much as the other which leaves the one who wants it more feeling rejected and pushed aside. The rejected spouse also expresses  wonder about whether their spouse really loves them or if they think of them more like a roommate. This is really typical. Thanks for letting me share it on my blog because I think this will be helpful with a lot of people.

The Low Desire Partner Controls When, Where and How Often Sex Occurs


As I mentioned in my previous post, in EVERY relationship there's a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship the LDP determines when, where and how often sex occurs. The LDP doens't realize they have this sort of control. In their mind, they feel like the HDP is the one who has control because the HDP is the one who who is always initiating it - the LDP doesn't have a chance to initiate because the HDP is always doing it.

In addition, the LDP usually feels pressured to have sex because the HDP makes advances so often. So even the times when they want to have sex they feel like they're just giving in to the pressure. This results in them feeling like they're not having the sex they really want. Especially since (as mentioned above) they never get a chance to initiate it which means they're even less likely to have sex exactly when, where and how they want it.

As the HDP who is always being rejected, one thing you can do is to express your sexual desire in terms of connection and intimacy and not just about sex. Instead of saying "Hey honey, you in the mood?" You could try saying something like "I've been downstairs thinking about you and how great you are to me all the time". and then make a sexual advance. The first one might have the intention of connecting but she won't hear it that way. The second is much more clear that you've been having connecting thoughts and want to share that connection with her sexually.

Give Your Spouse a Road Sign


Another thing you can do is give your spouse a road sign about what she can do to help you feel less rejected. Sometimes she just won't want to have sex. You can't expect her to have sex every time you want - that's selfish. But she can not want to have sex AND help you not feel rejected at the same time. She can say things like "Honey, I'm not in the mood right now but what can I do to show you that I still love and want you?". Or "Honey I'm not in the mood, but what can I do help you come?" She probably doesn't want you to feel rejected. She just needs you to give her a road sign of how she can do that and still not feel pressured to have sex anyway.

Regards,

Aaron


157 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How about the opposite situation, when the husband never wants sex? I expressed my feelings, frustrations, took upon myself to find books, articles, even bent so far to his will that it's was a couple of months before we would connect and even then it was a rushed time. I have tried everything from asking him to go to counseling, talking, crying, writing things down, angry, frustrated etc. He never listened or would discuss anything not even to compromise. Fed up with being the roommate, unwanted, desired and taken for granted.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Sorry for the slow response anonymous. I'll put it in another post. In the mean time, there's a little info about when you're the higher desire partner in my post about She never wants sex. Sure, it's about a wife who never wants sex but you can change the gender in the article and it almost all applies still. I'll write an article about it for you, though, if you'd like. Here's the article: http://blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com/2012/11/she-never-wants-sex.html

  1. goldenroot365 said...:

    There is always a simple explanation for this, whether that be emotional problems, or just some form of sexual problem that they are embarrassed about. Whatever it is, the best thing to do would be to speak to them about it and try and resolve the problem together.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Goldenroot,

    Thanks for the comment. You're absolutely right. The best things it to talk about it together and try to resolve it...it's not always as easy as it sounds though :-)

  1. Kyla said...:

    Personally I think that some men do not understand the life of a mother or how we are feeling when in their mind it is time to have sex. In my life I spent all day at university, when I get home I spend time with my son (not enough time) then I start cooking and cleaning while trying to spend more time with my son and finding time to workout. My significant other comes home around 5pm while I'm cooking and from the time he comes home until the time he sleeps he has his "me time". When all is done, everyone is fed and my son is bathed I put him to bed and then clean up again. When all this is done, Then I have time for myself to catch up on my favourite TV show, or take an extra long bath or even just go on a walk for fresh air but my spouse wants me to forget about what I want to do with my time and expects me to run upstairs and get naked which is the last thing on my list of things to do. I mean I love to make love with him but Im not always thinking about it or wanting it, if there is time or if you want to wait for me thats fine but to me love is when he will come spend time with us because HE wants to, when he would help me out with one of my tidious chores, if im laying down come cuddle with me not try to "stick it in". I am exausted every day when my jobs are done but my hubby doesn't get that. Helping me out once in while would mean so much more to me than 20 minutes of humping and moaning. Just my personal opinion.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hi Kyla,

    You sound like you have a pretty good definition of meaningful sex. There is sometimes place in a relationship for sex just to have sex but these should be a minority (40% or less)of times. Sex should be a loving and intimately connecting experience for a couple. It sounds like you're exhausted at the end of the day and have a hard time feeling into it. Maybe try telling your spouse what he can do to help you get in the mood without just wanting to do it for the sake of doing it.

  1. Harun Bezzle said...:

    Lmfao! '20 minutes of humping and moaning' wow and you're having a chick fit about giving in for twenty, fiery, hardcore minutes out your day for things you'd love to induldge in? I understand you have your life and were not in stone aged times or even twenty years ago for that matter, but at the same time don't you see that your man all he wants is a little tlc?.. I personally feel more obliged to do housework and clean poopy diapers after a nice round of hot steamy sex..any men in here can reckon with this?..not to mention why wouldn't my wife want to when I'm sticking my head in between her pelvis and groins?.. look all I'm saying is the term and expression happy wife happy life is not always the case... what about have some sex and lets take care of business after the business has been finished? Get my drift. I don't understand why ol' high and mighty anderson won't get off his high horse and tell it how it is. Men always have to do something in order to achieve what the wife wants or needs..whether he has to watch a little sportscenter, smoke something or have a drink, a man loves to feel like a king and a wife who always a ldp isn't helping the cause for her or the family. Sex is the biggest way for men to connect with their lady.. not the next fling that comes strolling by. Its a reason why we have strong desire in deep relationship like marriage or whenever children are present. Men tend to base relationships off physical attraction and what they see opposed to women they love a story...women always look for man to game them u which is where I have to agree with aaron on giving your Leo a road sign.. communication is also key.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Hey Harun,

    You're right when you say that men feel more inclined to do things for their spouse when they feel their sexual needs are being met. This shouldn't be the only thing, though. Sex is just one important part of the relationship. There are lots of other ways you can feel important and loved and like "you're a king" as you say. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sex is great but you can't have sex be the only thing that makes you feel like a king - especially if you're not getting it that often. There are many more.

    Does your partner know that sex helps you feel more connected to her and makes you want to be more available to her? Communicate with her but make sure not to get angry or else it becomes a fight...not a communication anymore.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi, i'm married since nearly 20 years and the last 5 or 6 i've been noticed a decrease of my sexual desire to the point that nowdays i'm not having any, so this cause unfurnatelly a lot of fights between my husband and I, I feel really really sad for this, and I've tried to change that but really can't do so much, when I went to my doctor, told him about this problem but didn't give me any solution, so right now I feel lost and helpless to improve my relationship.
    what could u advice to do? Thanks a lot for your time.

  1. MrRight said...:

    Its a cop out. Whatever the excuse is, is just an excuse. The person in the relationship that has the lowest drive is the one that is making the other persons life miserable.

    People with high drives should only be together with other people with high drives and those with low drives should only be with others with low drives.

    Dont go to counselling, dont go to therapy, dont try to work it out. Just get a divorce or break up. You will only be beating a dead horse and nothing will change and you will be miserable. Break up, find someone new that matches you exactly. Only then will it work.

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    MrRight,

    Those are very absolute statements. And they haven't been my experience at all. As a counselor I see it all the time where couples with different levels of libido are able to work through it and get to a place where both are satisfied and create a romantic, passionate relationship.

  1. Sandeep Pal said...:

    My wife does not want to have sex, she doesn't like to talk about it also,I have been married just 11 month before , I have one time get intimate with her but only small foreplay is done ,when I touch her she tells what wiered you r doing.saggest me what I doesn't kiss her untill now.

  1. ReadyForChange said...:

    I cried when i read this blog. So relieved to read I'm not alone. My husband only wants sex at 4 am. He works from 3pm to 3am and expects me to wake up to his when he gets home for sex. I have trouble sleeping anyway and he knows this. We have all evening 4 days out of the week but he choose the nights he works to want to have sex and then gets mad when I refuse to wake up. I even fake sleeping just to get him to back off. I have ask him why can't he choose his days off for a romp in the hay and it's always the same response "so sorry I asked or even try" and I tell him I don't mind him asking but why can't it be on a night where we could have sex at 10pm and then both get a good nights rest? Oh and if I'm sick and don't even feel like rolling over to get out of bed he still expects sexual favors. If I tell him I don't feel well he acts like I just threw hot coals in his lap. If the tables are turned, he's the one sick, he acts just like I do. It is so frustrating that sex feels like a chore. I just do it to shut him up sometimes. Todays technology isn't any help either. He will text me and ask if we can have sex today and if I don't respond within a minute his response. " Just what I thought you'd say." What?! He don't give me a chance to answer before he's expecting a no. I offer oral sex, when I'm not in the mood just to compromise. He has started turning that down. Forget it, don't worry about it he says. I think he intentionally wants to make me feel bad about it, but what I can bear to tell him is I really could care less anymore. It's like all he thinks about lately is how he isn't being satisfied. It's not like I'm with holding sex, I've offered it up on his days off or even after the kids leave for school in the morning but it's like he don't want it unless it's when he wants it. I love him, but he's beginning to make it hard to love him. We have been married almost 20 years and this is how it's been for the last 5 years. What do you suggest?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Readyforchange it is quite simple. When you just offer it up to him or try to plan it out for some other time it isnt the same as when you are ready and rarin to go. I am sure you realize to that when you are in the mood sex feels better as opposed to planned out sex or sex that is offered to you just randomly.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'm somewhat in this boat. But the thing is, my wife is a tease and would rather tease me and talk about sex and tell me what I'm starting to think are lies. If she thinks I'm so sexy, and loves me, and always wants me to be there for her, and I'm her best friend and all that BS, then why... WHY won't she have sex with me? And when we do have sex, it really sucks. She never does anything I want, and if I ask for it she gets mad.

    I literally throw myself at her and she doesn't want me. Oh well, its been going on long enough that I think a visit to an escort is in good order. Shame on you wives who don't take care of your husbands. You think we're going to wait forever for you to be in the mood? Well if thats what you think then you're all stupid.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    We're not stupid, just understand our needs and concerns. Compromise a little, so you just pout and get mad when you can't have it your way allll the time?, really?, like that's going to really change something, if anything we'll fall out of love with you anyway. Start acting and dealing and understanding as a man and especially a husband, stop being selfish abd childish about the matter, becuz us as women and wives don't need more children to raise, but understanding and compramisation adult husbands. Try it you may get what you want. Gatty

  1. Sexlover said...:

    My wife and I use to have sex all the time 3 - .5 times wkly. She always had organisms and appeared to really enjoyed sex during. She would do the pulling me closer thing. Always stroke me when sitting on the couch or bed. Jump in differ positions on her own during. We would even watch porn together which was my idea but she got into and seem to enjoy. She would even tell me which ones she liked and didn't like and get totally wet when watching. I am probably the most unselfish man there is when it
    comes to sex. My goal would always be making her cum as many times as I could before I cum. I could last for as long as 2 hours. I was always the one who initiated it but we both enjoyed it. We enjoyed sex so much we would even talk about which of friends would she want All of a sudden she doesn't want it hardly ever. Help

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Kyla. It sounds like you are a busy women. It also sounds like you are just being selfish giving no thought to others and using your children and cooking as an excuse. If you don't want to be caring, romantic or sexual then have you thought about a. not having kids. not being married? What sort of expectations are you serving to your children? sorry but I am fed up of hearing about people just like you who have no thought in the world for others but pray on the fact they are parents with responsibilities. Grow up.

  1. RoofGeek said...:

    Hi my name is Rich. My wife and I have had this disagreement for some time now. I have read just about every article I can find to help to come to a solution to our or should I say my problem. 8 years ago we both entered this relationship as most with sex being very high on the priority list and slowly it has diminished to rarely at all and if there is sex it is morge sex. I would say we have a healthy marriage in every respect but the sex part. I am extremely happy with her and she says she loves and adores me but just doesn't think about sex anymore. I on the other hand get it so rarely that it is always on my mind. We have had sex 1 time in 3 months now and it eats at you. I have done everything I have been told to do. I show her attention. Participate in the gs she like. I try to set a mood which is hard with kids but I try. I say we split the house chores 60/40 with the 60 on my end. So I sit here with the thought of. If she was a sexual person one time why not anymore? Is she cheating has splashed across my radar but I doubt it but then again would i really know? Like I said I have done everything I can think of and to be honest divorce is entering my mind more and more. It sounds selfish to say that but I am only human and even if it sounds Un manly I miss the affection and the closeness that sex provides. I am not one to cum and run I make sure there is that time that woman want before and after to either get in the mood or come down from The mood. I am at a loss. We are beyond being able to discuss it because it turns into a fight where I am left looking like a sex junkie when in fact you would have to actually have sex to be one. I would be happy with anything at this point and think about cheating more and more everyday. I have never cheated up to this point because I love my wife so dearly but does she love me like I think or like she says she does if she never expresses it? A divorce seems so drastic to many but a marriage without sex or attention or affection is just a roomate who helps take care of our kids. I am not sure if I have a real queztion. I am simply searching for something to tell me that this is normal I guess and that I should stick it out. It will get better. How man years does someone wait?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    my husband was unable to have sex for several years due to medication ,,i being so much in love with him never gave it another thought .
    I just never spoke of it and shut that part of my life off now we are approaching middle 60 and he has to take steroid shots due to a illness and he now wants to have sex all the time .
    i try to explain to him this part of my life is not really important any more we are older now. and i never complained about him,he is to the point he is verbaly mean and attacking me with words and demanding me to do it or he is very angry and cuts me down all the time its very painfull and hurtfull to me when i was there for him.i just dont have the desire to be sexually active any more after shutting it off so many years ,,am i wrong ?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I recently went on a new birth control (more effective because our first born was not planned) that has left me with a very low libido. Even though im not in the mood I try to have sex with my husband but it ends up very painful because im not self-lubricating. Store bought lubricants do not help. Im in pain for days, sometimes weeks after sex. Still, my husband wants more sex and is getting frustrated. Sometimes he mentions leaving me or asks me why I have the vagina of a 70yr old (Im 21). These comments are very hurtful and make me not want to have sex even more. Ive told my husband im going to change my birth control method at my next appointnent (next week) but its not soon enough for him. Im afraid the low libido are due to the changes in my body after childbirth and not because of my birth control. This really worries me because im only21. He will probably divorce me and idk who else would want to deal with my "situation".

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am a 52 year old man, was widowed at 49, have since dated, married and divorced, and am dating again.

    If you are a man with a high libido and are dating a woman with a low libido...drop her NOW!! Waiting around for her to "come around" is wasting YOUR TIME, she will never magically increase her libido. Think about it, people with high and low libido's think and talk differently about s3x.

    High Libido
    Let's make love
    Flirts with partner throughout the day
    Thinks and talks about s3x as naturally as breathing

    Low Libido
    Ok, we can have sex, I will give it up, you just had some last week
    Irritated when flirtation is attempted outside the bedroom
    never thinks about s3x

    As a guy with a high libido, I cannot understand women who frequently refuse s3x, as I cannot imagine turning down an org@sm......women with high libido's rarely turn down an opportunity for an org@sm.

    If you are with a woman who frequently denies you s3x, try this the next time she starts venting about her work day or her friends....."honey, I really had a rough day, the garage is a mess, and I really do not not want to listen to you vent about your day". Men never tell women this because we hope that by enduring the woman's "venting" that we will be seen as "understanding" and will "ultimately" be "rewarded" with s3x, refusing to listen to a woman vent will be a sure fire way of not getting laid that night.

    Do not waste your time on a woman with a lower libido than yours, go out and find your match, life will be so much better.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow my husband never wants to have sex with me, I have given threesome's, let him sleep with other girls...he rather watch porn and jack off... I'm so hurt I'm ready to cheat

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It sounds to me like your bitter about his me time and punishing him subconsciouly for him "me time" or you wouldn't mention it. Plz remember even the best husbands have there limites. Remember when you first started dating he got onto this expecting that lvl of sex. Logic would say that the sex would grt better. Do not hold that back in your life he will go looking for it. He is YOUR husband act like it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Kyla, you sound just like my wife, OMG I heard all these excuses and more, she still had time to go have another relationship during this time with all the excuses, so your excuses are falling on deaf ears. I was married 18 years. I wish I divorced her 10 years ago. Sick and tied of the lies. I would do anything for my wife. You think she would spend a few minutes for me? I even offered to hire a house keeper, cook and any other help, did not matter. Theres more to this story you give than meets the eye.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Two truisms:
    1. If a woman doesn't take the time to think about sex, she will never have sex. Neither will her husband.
    2. If her husband doesn't have sex at home, he will have it elsewhere. Guaranteed!
    Wives, consider yourselves warned. You best figure it out before you find yourself alone in your retirement.

    Signed:
    Been wonderfully happy for thirty-seven of the forty years we have been married. Now preparing to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Glad I came across this, but still don't know what to do. Yeah we have two small kids, but it's probably been 6 months. It's actually the night of our anniversary and I'm here typing this at 3 in the morning, because she just wanted to sleep. It's been 6 months if not more. Don't know what to do, but I fear my marriage is falling apart.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi me and my husbands are having problems about this. In our case I guess im the problem and the one with low sex drive, we do have sex but maybe 2 times per week been married 4 yrs. I dont know what to do he is really upset and claims he is tired of it n me not wanting sex but i do love him and I am attracted to him I just dont seem to be in the mood as often as he is and he really gets upset. Expexts me to wake up in the middle of the night when he is teying to initiate it and I just dont want to I honestly rather get my rest :/

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Something people seem to be overlooking is that the time for sex is finite. It is true that some people manage to extend the desire and ability by various means, but it will come to an end, usually years before one's life ends. So, for those who close themselves off from their beloved during these fleeting years, they are being selfish, and also, for those who cannot imagine a good relationship without having constant sex, then your relationship and depth of love is shallow. There is a spiritual component to marriage, otherwise you should not marry. It is self-sacrificial from the start and not for the weak-willed and selfish. Being self-sacrificing is a virtue and rises above the common biological/hormonal drives. People have managed to have great depths of connectedness to others without sex, (parent to child, friend to friend, etc.) without having emotional angst from doing without sex. Why does it suddenly become a necessity for any kind of meaningfulness or depth of relationship when it comes to marriage? Either a couple grows in maturity from their commitment, or their marriage will
    fail.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I love her immensely, it's just that she b!tches so much and is on my back about just about everything that it kills any desire I can muster. I am 52, have had a hard ife, and I am just tired.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How about when neither party really wants sex, we love each other very much and our affection is strong it's just really tough for us to make time for sex. We both know this and our accepting of this I just worry about possible long term affects this could have. Due to the lack of sex I've fallen in love with my hobbies which is freaking awesome for me.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My wife has a low libido and always has. We have been married for 19 years. She loves me but sex has never been an interest for her and it will never be. We haven't had sex yet this year. I have read many comments, on many websites, with many frustrated people including myself. There have also been many comments on what to do about solving this that really just doesn't work. I think we can conclude, once and for all,that this is not a problem that can be fixed by some intellectual reasoning. Libido is not something you can make happen by your will. The amount of libido you have is both genetic and chemical. The only way to change this is through science. So if your partner does not have much libido by genetics or has lost it by a decrease in brain chemistry than there is nothing you can do, without science, to change it. Whether it is right or wrong to change it through science, if it is even possible right now, is a different issue. The point is, you have to accept that this is a science problem and therefore we can stop making each other feeling guilty about too much or too little sex. It will take technology to change this. For now, if you are not happy with your relationship it will mean finding a more compatible partner or if you can't bare hurting your spouse as I do then you will need to adjust your life without sex as best you can.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Hi my wife n i used to had sex more often but now she always not in the mood,when i try to talk about this situation she just got angry and she even stop talking,she just not want to hear me talking about it.Help me what can i do

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Please understand that the partner with a low libido can't help their situation. Sex drive is biologically driven and it is either there, or it isn't. Asking someone to want to be in the mood and enthusiastically enjoy the process when the drive isn't there is like asking someone to truly act like they enjoy, say, eating cooked beets when they really don't care for cooked beets. They can pretend to enjoy them for a while but if they have to eat them every week for the rest of their life because their partner craves them, they will soon develop an aversion to beets. It's not because they no longer love their partner, it's just that they don't have a burning desire or need for beets. It's very hard to force someone to enjoy something they don't desire or want. But one can be made to feel guilty about their non desire. Just because one person loves and desires sex, doesn't mean everyone does. Not everyone craves beets either. Does that make them a bad person or in the wrong? Why is it wrong to not desire sex?

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    June 23/2014 Anonymous,

    Sex is a wonderful and connecting thing. It's also the ONLY thing you uniquely share with your partner that you don't share with anyone else. As such, it becomes a unique form of connection in your marriage that's ONLY in your marriage. So sex is the one thing that sets you and your partner apart from being just roommates. You can love somebody, sure, but to be vulnerable and intimate someone in a way that only sex does takes your relationship to another level - it takes it to marriage. If a couple is negating that relationship, they're not having a truly intimate marriage.

    Plus, sex is a biological thing. All humans have an instinctual sex drive. If a person's sex drive is absolutely absent (without some sort of medical reason) it's usually a sign of something else going on within the person.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Aaron Anderson June 24 2014,

    Aaron, thank you for yesterdays response. I do agree that sex is a wonderful and connecting part of a relationship that is only uniquely shared with your marriage partner. It does take a relationship to a whole different level. And, that is why people bond and eventually marry. Often that part of the relationship lasts for quite a while. And, as you stated, sex is a biological instinctual drive. I believe that most people would agree that biologically, men and women differ. Hormonally, men tend to be more stable. Women on the other hand are in a constant state of biological change. Not only from year to year, but from month to month, and even from moment to moment. Childbirth and menopause add even more profound changes. It seems that testosterone plays a big role in sexual desire and drive and unfortunately, men are blessed with bigger stores that tend to decline VERY slowly over a lifetime. As Mark Gunger (a pastor/marriage counselor) once stated: If men's testosterone levels drop abruptly, they start to loose sexual desire. They are the same person with the same heart and the same mind, but they have less sexual desire. Just look at all the commercials for testosterone supplements these days.
    Well, women don't get to start on even ground when it comes to testosterone. And, they are plagued with ever changing hormone fluctuations.
    We still don't know all the permanent changes that occur to a women after childbirth.
    It has been stated in several articles, that the number one sexual complaint made by women is a low sexual desire. Estimated to be about 40% of women 18-100. Boy are the pharmaceutical companies trying like crazy to come up with a female viagra. Obviously, women's low libido is very common. So, is this abnormal or normal? The jury is still out.
    So, between the lower testosterone (to none after menopause), the every changing hormonal state in a women's body, changes from childbirth and menopause, what is a women to do? Biologically, she is not the same person she was when she first met her partner.
    The partner, on the other hand, is probably pretty close to being (hormonally) the same as he was when they first met.
    And to all of those men who are thinking of divorcing a wonderful women because they are no longer compatible sexually, just remember, a women's body biologically changes forever. If you find a new compatible mate, chances are she won't be the same a few years down the road. Then what?
    So, the same question arises: What's a couple to do? Men don't understand why the woman has changed? He doesn't understand why sex isn't as important to his wife as it use to be. All he knows is that he feels he Needs sex either physically and or emotionally, to be connected and close to his wife and "she doesn't get it." She suddenly (or slowly over time) doesn't have that same biological need to have sex as often. After menopause, there is actually no biological reason to be sexually receptive, women are no longer fertile. She just can't seem to get in the mood, and he "doesn't get it."
    So back to the same question: What's a couple to do?
    Aaron, I guess it all comes down to your primary suggestion, communication. I will add: compromise and understanding. Women and men are coming from two different places. Neither one is right, neither one is wrong. Trying to change a LDP or a HDP usually doesn't work. But working together to find a mutual middle ground could lead to a long Happy Marriage:)
    I

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have been married over 20 years. I had a healthy libido at the beginning of our marriage. After childbirth, however, my libido went AWOL. Actually, I didn't notice that is was missing but my husband sure did!
    For some reason, childbirth didn't seem to affect his libido. Go figure.
    So, it became my responsibility to find my missing sex drive. I asked counselors, pastors, and doctor's if they might now where it went. No one had any good answers. So I tried just having sex to see if it was hidden somewhere inside. Nope, it never appeared. Then I tried sex toys, porno, creams and relaxation. It never showed up for the fun. So I turned to herbs, alcohol, estrogen, and I even got to try the FDA forbidden testosterone for women. All that gave me was pimples and clumps of hair falling out of my head. Nothing was working. I suggested trying to schedule sex. That helps somewhat because it assures that my husband will not initiate except that one night a week. That gives me a whole week to try to get in the mood. Sometimes I can, other times I have a dreadful day just thinking about it. So now what?
    I suggested my husband try something to decrease his drive. You should have seen the look on his face! Why would he possibly want to do that? Well, perhaps to lower his frustration with me and our marriage. To help him be more content with the situation. And to give me a break from all the pressure, which just might help me feel more like loving my husband instead of locking horns with him. Well, he hasn't tried anything yet! Why is it always the person with the low desire that needs to find a solution?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Gosh from reading these comments this is what I get.
    Regardless of how I feel or how much more I have to do before bed I am just to roll over and give it to him when ever he wants like a prostitute. No wonder why so many fake orgasums and I will admit that I've been guilty of that. To express my feelings, ask for help or say not now means I am a selfish woman worthy of divorce and deserving of being cheated on.
    So I guess I will continue on just give when he wants it, fake that I enjoy it, and know that if I don't I am worthless as a woman And my needs and issues should be of no concern for my husband. Yes this makes me want it less of course. I did enjoy sex at one time but now it is just a chore one more thing I have to do.
    It would be so nice and mean so much if the man would do some of those little things like help change a diaper etc. Believe it or not it's those little things that say I love you and value you and that put's me in the mood for sex mentally. But heck according to some of you that is selfish of me and something the man shouldn't have to bother with.
    According to these comments, The problem is only the woman. I shouldn't have kids, home or husband if I am not able to be full of energy 24/7, always able to be in a perfect mood, never need time for myself, available to do my job plus all household and childcare responsibilities, never sleep or get sick and most of all provide active willing sex when ever my husband wants it. To complain about anything means I'm selfish using my kids & home as an excuse and just having a "chick fit".

  1. Anonymous said...:

    It sure seems like the LDP is quite content with their sex life. Their desires are being taken care of. Life is wonderful, or would be, if not for the HDP's expectations. The HDP , on the other hand, feels they are not having their needs met. They feel they don't receive the physical sexual release as often as they need it. They feel rejected because the LDP doesn't show them the affection they need to feel wanted and loved. Life is miserable because the LDP is content. So the frustration begins.
    One person has needs not being met by the other person. The other person feels they are giving all they can. The HDP keeps telling the LDP they need more affection (sex) to feel loved and connected. The LDP starts to feel guilty that they can't meet their partners needs. They feel that no matter how much they give, it is never enough. We have just created two unhappy people.
    We put such high expectations on marriage and the people we love. What is it about sexual desire within a marriage that is harder to compromise on than any other aspect of the marriage? Why do we turn our sexual desire (or lack there of) into the other persons responsibility? Why do we become so selfish and protective when it comes to sex? Why does sex make some people feel loved at the same time it makes the other person feel used? Why is it that when it comes to sex, "my needs" are more important than "your needs"?
    My Mother always told me that you should never rely on another person to make you happy. You will always turn up disappointed. Happiness comes from within. And within marriage, it is wonderful to share your happiness with another.
    Aren't Mothers always right?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I agree with anonymous June 29,2014
    Many of these comments make it sound like sex is more important than marriage. It is the wives duty to supply the sexual fix that their man needs lest they be left high and dry. What an attitude!
    Unlike women, mens essence of masculinity depends on his sexual prowess. From many of the above replies you can tell that men feel closer and more willing to help out AFTER they get their sexual fix. That's because they actually do feel better after sex...that is, until their sexual urges show up again. They don't feel like men if they don't get their sex.
    You should see the emotions (yes, I said emotions) that will erupt when a man is told he has to have prostate surgery. It doesn't matter how supportive or understanding the wife may be, the ONLY concern is for what is going to happen to his erections. Wow, like he won't be the same person if his penis no longer works. That's what I mean, men need sex to define who they are. But, the most frustrating thing for them is that they need women to make them feel like men. And it frustrates them when you won't "help them feel better"
    Men, don't underestimate women. If we have been married for very long, we know it all comes down to the sex. You can try to beg us, and badger us, and make us feel worthless but over the years, you have shown your true colors. Face it, you NEED the sex or you're unhappy and are going to make everyone else unhappy around you. But why should we give it to you whenever you NEED it? Most women don't NEED it and are not defined by it.
    I am sorry for your curse of male-hood. Most animals in the wild kingdom don't get sex very often. Only when the female is fertile and only if she accepts you.. providing another male didn't beat you up first. Get over it, women don't need sex as much as men. I hate to break it to you, but you are not king! I bet if you left your woman and went out on the hunt and started begging and complaining like you do in marriage, that ' would be' partner would drop you like a hot potato. Women, quite feeling guilty!! It is what it is! Men need to learn to cope.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Yes, Aaron, sex can be a wonderful part of a marriage. A tender communication and bonding that is shared Only with the one you married.
    But it is also in a marriage that it can make you feel cheap and unloved when the woman feels like all the man wants is sex. No wonder many of us turn off and tune out. Many of us don't need sex as often as the man so when we are hounded to "just roll over" whenever advances are made, we know its all about the sex. No wonder we say NO. If you needed a big hug or a shoulder rub instead, we would probably love to give you one. But because men are the way they are (porno, prostitutes, strip bars, staring at other women, etc.) we have been conditioned to feel cheap if it is not a mutual agreement. It makes us feel resentful and bad about ourselves. No wonder we say NO. And don't ask us why we aren't in the mood. WE don't know! We come up with excuses hoping you might forget about sex for a while. Believe me, we can still love you and not feel into sex. Sorry if that concept doesn't compute. Just remember, mutual agreement makes everyone feel better.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I've found each of the posts in some way helpful. My wife is my best friend, we have thee great kids, and a wonderfully integrated extended family. We don’t enjoy most of the same things, and don’t always agree on matters related to our kids, money, or how to get from A to B. We’ve each made our share of mistakes, but still truly love each other. We very much have a HDP (me)/LDP (her) issue. This has led to feelings of being disconnected or even worse alone over the years. I used to believe she did not love me, or that she was selfish, or many of the other comments expressed here. This led to feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and even thoughts of suicide. I felt she depends upon me, but frustrated with feeling she did not need, want, or desire me. This along with several other reasons led me to pull away, and become distant. She felt this, and in time it led to her own feelings of isolation and loneliness. She viewed my attempts to get close to her as me just wanting sex. She nor I really understood that sex was my way of connecting, and instead she just viewed it as I was trying to get laid. In time her own resentment along with many other circumstances, on an individual night led to an indiscretion on her part. We chose to work through it, but our problems never resolved themselves. In time, I had an affair, which made me feel happy because I was getting the love and affection I had been craving for so long. I was happy, outside of knowing that what I was doing was wrong. In time, I also realized the affair was not real in that it was a secret. Therefore, it did not involve other life pressures that come as part of the marriage such as children, finances, work, family, and life in general. Therefore, that relationship was never really real or complete. I liken it to filling and sealing a piece of wood in that while I felt brittle, broken, and incomplete the affair only filled in the cracks of what was missing. The main relationship of everything else in life was still shared with my wife. In time the relationship ended, because I had to understand what it was about me that my wife could not love me like I needed. What we came to realize is that it was not me, it was her, only we did not know why. Adding to the problem is a new medical issue that further inhibits her desire. I so desperately want her to fill in the cracks of what’s missing in me, but it seems that’s just not possible. So what is one left to do? She and I have been very honest in our discussion, but we don’t know what to do. We’re both ready to give up if we can’t come to a better solution, but both feel ending a marriage is a mistake. What I’d appreciate are real recommendations/alternatives for a couple who both understand, and still want to make it work. What compromises can we make? I can’t expect nor do I want her to “roll-over and give in”, we both deserve more than that. I’m going to share with her this blog, and appreciate knowing the commonality of HDP’s and LDP’s. I’d appreciate a discussion or recommendation on the alternatives that can bridge the gap.

  1. Anonymous said...:


    “The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it's really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.”

    Dude, trust me you are NOT the only one and it just doesn’t happen to guys with their wives. It also happens to happen to women with their husbands. You would not believe how many women feel the same way you do, me included. Seriously when I started reading your post I started crying cause that is exactly how I feel all the time.

    Your spouse never wanting to have sex is like the worst feeling in the world. Not only do you feel rejected but you also feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. At least that is how I feel all the time. You wanna know the worst part? The worst part is when women bring up their being rejected by their husbands every other answer blames them for it.


    “Oh, you must be fat if he wont have sex with you”
    “Oh you must be ugly if he wont have sex with you”
    “Oh you aren’t good enough because you cant compare to porn stars who are better than you will ever be”

    Its freaking horrible, and those types of responses just make it all so much worse. I have literally gone at least two months at a time being ignored and rejected every time I even hint at wanting to have sex. The excuse is always the same either he is “too tired” or “forgot” he promised to come to bed at a decent time so we could have sex. Who the hell gets that tired when they do nothing but watch disgusting ass porn all day?!

    Its like living in hell and if you say ANYTHING about it you are the bad person and they are the injured party. You are the one who has to go day after day being ignored and treated like you don’t exist but THEY are the “victims” no matter how horrible they treat you, no matter how many times they ignore you, no matter how much you suffer day after day, its always your fault.

    “It's gotten to the point where I'll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like "What time is it?" or "are any of the kids awake?" It seems to me like she's trying to find excuses not to have sex with me.”

    Seriously dude, that is exactly how it is with my husband except we don’t have kids so he uses playing facebook games all night as an excuse to ignore me and refuse sex.

  1. anoynymous said...:

    if your partner does not or give excuses for not having sex it is time to get out but first talk and talk about the lack of sex then give up and look elsewhere otherwise you will end up depressed or alcoholic

  1. Anonymous said...:

    In response to July 5, 2014

    There are no right answers when there are desire differences in a marriage. I have heard many people talk about how perfect their marriage is except for the sexual part. It seems we each need something from the other person that the other person has a hard time giving/or wanting. I am the Very low desire person in my marriage. We have been working at this for years. The one thing that seems to work for us is scheduling our dates. It seems to address several of the issues that arise. Michael Castlesman has a good article called Desire Differences. You can google it. It goes into more depth. I'm not sure it will help with the porn addiction though. Anyway, best of luck for both of you. You are not alone.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well for once if you are married, enjoying your husband's money, his house, his pets, his kids, his cars, his credit, his credit cards, his heating, his air conditioner, his food, his water, his company, his protection, stability, security, his love, his desire, his will to please you, among many other things a "wife"enjoys daily, the least you can do for him is to love him and to take care of your man, sheshh, I don't know, but maybe, as an act of love and appreciation, maybe?

    I mean, what the hell are you women thinking? That you can marry a man to enjoy everything he brings to the table and its commodities and that you can just take sex out of the picture of two married adults? while still enjoying his money, his house and everything else? And don't give me no krap about marriage is not all about sex, because it is. Maybe not 100% about SEX, but it IS a HUGE PART OF MARRIAGE, if not the center of it. You have to be very naive or just a plain liar to come up with such a stupid justification for lacking as a wife. Yeah that's right, if you are not having sex with your husband you are just slacking and not fulfilling your dank role in your marriage.

    I mean, do you really think that its all about heating a ready to eat frozen meal in the microwave, doing the laundry and watch you fav show after work is doing too much already as a wife, so you think is right for you to just stop there and withhold sex from your husband's and give it to him whenever/IF you decide to. Sex is not a reward idiots, its a husbands NEED!

    Perhaps your husband should also slack, just like the sexless wives, and maybe he should stop going to work or stop buying food or stop doing the yard or paying for your cable and internet, or stop cleaning the gutters or any other important basic things that are exhausting and annoying, just because it just takes too much time and effort to and is not something we desire to do anyway. You know, just like you not wanting or desiring to have sex with your husbands.

    Do you really think he was gonna marry you, buy you a house, take you on vacations, buy you things and bust his butt working for you if you would've told him you were gonna withheld and ration sex to him as you please once he married you?

    To me a wife not having regular sex with his husband is an intentional act of sabotage to the man and the marriage. Getting married involves having sex regularly and you women knew this but played your games and made a fool of your man, pretending you were ok with it, just to get a house, money, a social status or what?

    If you can't fulfill your job and duties as a wife you should move over, return everything, every investment and everything you got from your husband and give it back to him so he can replace you with a hotter younger model who will fulfill a real wife's role, which must include regular sex without nagging, complaining, acting out, or without pretending to use sex as a bargaing tool or treating it as a chore.

    Read this carefully and get it in your head women. SEX IS A HUSBANDS NEEDS NOT A TREAT! IT'S NOT NEGOTIABLE, IS A VERY IMPORTANT NEED THAT HAS TO BE MET AND FULFILLED BY A WIFE.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well that was very stupid. If youand your momma believed that "you should never rely on another person to make you happy" krap, why did she got married with another person?(your daddy I hope)and why would you think people marry? Isn't your mommy's understanding of happiness kinda, stupid and idiotic considering that the main reason for marriage to exist in the first place was to pursue happiniess with the person you love and that makes you happy to live with?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    No. Not like a prostitute. You should roll over every time he wants it, like a good wife should. It's ok you don't have any desire, but why should you punish your husband and make him suffer? If you don't want to orgasm, that fine, just don't. But you can't pretend its ok for you to deprive your husbands needsjust because you're not horny. That is your problem, not his.

    The same way if you are not hungry.but your family is, you just cook for.them because they are hungry, no matter if you are hungry or not. You serve them, but is your choice if you want to serve yourselfand eat or not. But you wouldn't just say to them; "Ahh, I'm not hungry and I do not want to eat, so neither should, must, will you." Can you read SELFISHNESS between the lines?

    If a wife decides not to have sex with her husband at anygiven time after marriage(aka after they made their catch), they should either bring him a younger hornier girlfriend to the room or give.him free time to meet women that know and are capable of satisfying a man's needs or just divorse and do not touch any money or properties of the husband since it was the lazy, sexless, cold, dry, olds hag's fault for not.doing her(universally expected)job as a wife, like any good wife would and should.

    So here's a memo for all present, past and future wives....WIVES MUST HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS REGULARLY IF THEY WANT TO BE AND STAY MARRIED OR ELSE YOU NEED TO BE REPLACED WITH A REAL GOOD WIFE WHO WOULD DO AND FULFILL HER WIFE DUTIES, WHICH STARTS WITH GIVING SEX REGULARLY TO THEIR HUSBAND.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Ok, since you sound like you are a bit lost on what to do, I'm gonna be your best friend and give you the secret to make your husband happy, happier than ever with you.

    YOU MUST DO 3 THINGS:

    FIRST, you must start working out today, NO ExCUSES(you want to be happy and fix this, right?). I recommend you do 100 squats or more a day-6 days a week. Remember SQUATS are a girl's best friend. Star low and build up so you don't get too sore or hurt.

    SECOND, you MUST DIET! If you have your doctor's okay, you can go as low as 1200 a day and start losing pounds of fat while looking harder and sexier for your husband than ever.

    THIRD, you MUST give your husband oral(bj) unexpectedly at least 2-3 times a week right after he showers, at random places(ie; under the shower, on the living room, on the stairs, etc.). And have intercourse at least 2-3 times a week on top of oral or equal amounts to 4-6 times a week total. You can always start sex with a BJ and I gurantee you that if you do it right and stop at the right time, your husband will drag you to bed and rip your clothes off every time.

    I mean, seriously. I can understand how hard can it be to turn on a wife of decades, but come'on, it isn't that hard to get your husband going, even if he is 96 years old. And to be honest, most wives can skip the first two and go straight to the third step and see instant results.

    P.S.
    Make sure you look him in the eyes while giving him oral and every now and then you need to tell him " I love you" right the second he is ejaculating. Powerful knowledge like this will fix any husband inthe world. Even if he is cheating on you,just up the times a day and times a week you do this and he will forget that skank faster than he can keep kumin.

    You're Welcome.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    And men wonder why women go off of sex?!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So, are you saying men should not wonder why women go off of sex?

    That sounds like saying that men should know women marry with the mentality and intentions to withdraw sex once they marry their man and secure their possessions. That's just plain wrong and dishonest. Fooling and deceiving your man into believing you were gonna hold to your end and fulfill the universal basic duties of a wife, is a serious offense. You would go to jail if you do.this the equivalent of this fraud in the corporate world. Why are the courts still giving most of the men's properties and money to women, even when they are at fault and the.reason to divorse? I think is about time.for a reality check and someone tells themtheir vagina is not made of gold and that their vaginas are replaceable.

    If you are one of the very few decent women out there, I'm not talking to you. Much respect.for being real good women. My hat off to you ladies.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Men wonder mostly because;

    (A) Because that was not part of the vows you took when you married.

    (B)Because people who marry expect SEX REGULARLY!

    (C)Because even though marriage is not 100% about sex, women SHOULD KNOW a marriage can't survive without it.

    (D)Because you were very sexual at the beggining and now you want to become a nun and withhold sex and expect men to see it as normal and natural when it is NOT normal.and is NOT natural.(married adults marry to FCK, to love to honor to protect and to met each others needs, and to FCK>FCK>FCK.....

    And for those feminist women who would call men pigs for wanting sex with their wives, remember you once (pretending or not) wanted and liked sex. Does that makes any of you Mrs. Piggy? No it does not.


    What are you serious? You sound like an ignorant teenager. Are you a teenager?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I can only assume this is in response to suggestions posed from those like Anonymous July 8, 2014 at 12:30 PM. I feel it's important for everyone to remember that what people need, from a sexual perspective, is different from person to person. It's not a matter of being a male or female, but rather a person with individual needs. Those needs can change over time just as a LDP's needs change. I'm sure we can all assume that if there was a HDP/LDP situation at the beginning of a relationship, then it probably would not have progressed to marriage. On the other note regarding being overweight, if a person not willing to do their best to be healthy in life, and make efforts for themselves, or their significant other, then they're really not engaged or invested in the relationship. I'm the HDP, but I choose to keep in shape for my own health, and to give one less reason for my wife not to want me. One can make all the excuses in the world, unless medical, but should strive to be healthy and well maintained. That said, I agree with an earlier comment that it is biology, and their are HDP's and LDP's. When that happens communication is the only medicine, and that can't save it, but perhaps if a split is necessary it can be done in a good way. This is nobody's fault. Bottom Line: If you love your partner you should always make efforts to do things, which make them happy. Why would you not want someone you love to be happy? Why should it be a burden? If it feels like anything else, then ask if it's the right relationship at that point in your life.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I very much agree with the previous post about the fact that if there was a HDP/LDP 'known' situation in the begging of the relationship, it probably wouldn't have led to marriage. But, Pat Love has unearthed some interesting information about the infatuation period of a romance. You must read it: Google What is this thing called Love? by Pat Love. It might just explain how so many marriages end up with, what I call, mismatched libido syndrome. Also, in understanding the possible reasons behind infatuation, it could help the two partners understand how they ended up with that "stranger" they married. The LDP truly is not trying to punish the HDP! The LDP is living with what they were genetically programed to be AND the HDP is living with what they were genetically programed to be. They just don't ~feel~ eye to eye, so the speak. Isn't it a shame we aren't all the same? All of these problems would be solved.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Oh my gosh your a mans fantasy
    Something definitely wrong with him

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To anonymous I have to say (I believe all those strong comments about the need for sex for men are juat one anonymous) you are so spot on althoug you might sounds a little on the rough side but your spot on
    My situation is married for 20 years and forever have to beg bear in mind I would say about95% of the time she has some really great orgasms but she will never inneceate sex ever ever its starts off always as a burden I have to do all while she lays like a stiff log .let me finish off we love each other inALL other areas but this is an ongoing fight I beg her just show me your intrested sometimes (and no it does not have to be every night)
    Looking forward to your response

  1. Anonymous said...:

    As we have read there is ALWAYS an hdp and a ldp in a relationship, however much can be done to help.Although most of the comments are dwelling on sex alone there is more often than not underlying issues in the relationship. Has the woman/man let themselves go unkempt ?bad habits ? Do they use "bullying" tactics to express their frustrations (like my husband of 20 years)do they make it special for their partner example wine or music (but for goodness sake NOT EVERY time and not when its been a long hectic day)I have been married for 2 decades never ever has my husband not complained one way or another about our sex life.We have had some good times but those are quickly forgotten.It is ALWAYS my fault and I had to read and read all types of books so I can realize what is "wrong" with me.Unfortunately all it did was make me aware how clueless he is in the bedroom and why I was not able to "perform" as he wished.
    DO NOT PLACE BLAME on either party whoever is distressed in the relationship GO GET HELP and stop thinking its ONLY the other ones fault LOOK WITHIN you will be very surprised how your sex life will turn around!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    How does she have "some really great orgasms" whilst laying like a "stiff" log? Sounsd to me u are resenting having to take the time to turn her on this can take time for a woman. If u "beg" her to show interest it is an ultimate turn off.Do not beg just take the time to make it special you will be pleased with the results.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Perhaps things might make more sense if we played a role reversal (with some exaggeration to get the point across). Let's say you married the love of your life and She needs to have sex 3 x's a day but it has to be 3 hours apart. You might be able to keep up with this for a short time but my guess is after a while your body will refuse to have an erection every 3 hours 3 x's in a row day after day. Then your wife tells you she needs it every three hours in order to feel close to you and feel loved. But your body won't cooperate and you soon feel like you are unable to satisfy your wife. You begin to lose self confidence so you find yourself starting to avoid hugging and kissing because you know where it will lead and you know you won't be able to perform. So now your wife feels rejected and is afraid you don't love her anymore. She starts begging you for sex but she doesn't feel satisfied unless it's every 3 hours. This goes on day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. You start to lose your desire to have sex with her because it has become a job and you no longer enjoy it. She soon tells you that if you can't give her the intimacy she needs in a marriage, she will leave and find someone who can. Isn't that what marriage is for anyway, to meet each others needs sexually? At this point, you have forgotten what it feels like to be horny because you haven't had the chance to get horny in a long time. At the same time, your wife would truly Love you to initiate the encounters. It would make her feel sexy and desired to know that you want her in that way. It feeds her ego. But by now, you just can't force yourself to start the encounters because you no longer have it in you to try to keep up with her. Your body can't climax that close together. You almost dread trying. So you back off even more. You start to resent her demands to make her feel loved and cherished. You stay up at night hoping she has fallen asleep before you crawl into bed. You make yourself busy and come up with excuses to not start a sexual encounter because you no longer enjoy sex. It has become a chore. Everything else is perfect in your relationship except for the sex which has become a huge issue.

    Now, there are some differences in the above example. Men usually won't require sex every three hours to feel satisfied and women don't need to get an erection in order for intercourse to occur. Lucky us.

    But it might help with understanding how an LDP wife who doesn't get horny very often has a hard time keeping up with the HDP husbands sex drive. She has tried month after month, year after year until she has lost all interest in trying. She never gets the chance to feel desire because the HDP requires encounters before her body feels her own natural desire well up inside. She is constantly fed before she is hungry. She has lost touch with her sexual self. And because sex is such an intimate thing, it is very hard to open up sexually when the desire has been lost. It's hard to muster sexual energy over and over again when it isn't naturally coming from within. It becomes work not enjoyment. And at the same time, we are told that it is our responsibility to meet our husbands sexual needs. They don't feel loved without sex. So we either keep having sex without the desire for sex or we say no, we don't have it in us to give right now.
    The only solution I see is that the HDP requests sex a little less often then they want and LDP has sex a little more often than they want. Don't expect hot sexual enthusiasm from the LDP and LDP, don't just lie there like a stiff log. Try to participate.
    Men have made it quite clear: Sex doesn't require love. But I guess we do feel that love requires sex.
    Go figure.


  1. Anonymous said...:

    If women don't have the biological motivation to engage in sex (testosterone) and don't get that physical release and warm, connected, loving feeling that men get after sex, then why do women engage in sex at all?
    They probably wouldn't very often.
    So if men are so frustrated with women for not wanting sex, why don't they lower their testosterone to meet that of a woman's?
    Because in puberty, they developed a love affair with their libido and their penis. And somewhere along the way, men also came to believe that sex is the only way they can feel connected and loved.
    Oh, and it's very macho to want and have sex all the time. They wouldn't be men without it.
    So it is the women's responsibility in a relationship to make the man feel connected and loved and manly?
    Yes, it seems that way.
    Well, what other than that, motivates a woman to have sex with her husband?
    Well, if the husband were smart, he would find a way to give sex some form of value for her. He should want her to somewhat enjoy it and make it easy for her to want to keep giving it.
    Perhaps men could start with something other than complaining, pestering, hinting, pushing and telling her it's her responsibility to make him feel good. If a woman doesn't get any emotional and/or physical fulfillment from sex and her husband keeps wanting it, asking for it, crying when he doesn't get, she will soon start to resent sex, because the only thing she will get from "giving in" is shutting her husband up for a while. Not a positive motivator. They need to make it easy for her to engage, not turn her off.
    Hopefully, before the woman grows to actually hate sex, the two of them could find a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for the woman. Each couple will need to get creative because each woman will probably find something in or around the act that might eventually bring her something to look forward to.
    But, if this little war has been going on for a time, the best place for the man to start is to BACK OFF . Pretend you don't need sex for a while. Remember when you were 16 or 18 and your sex drive was much higher than it is now and you weren't getting sex every 2-3 days? Do now what you did then, heavens, it looks like you lived through it. Give her time to think about how the two of you can start a fresh. If she has grown an aversion to sex, this may take some time. Go back to being her best friend . Enjoy plain old fashioned time together. Yes, be roommate for a short time.
    Then find something she may enjoy during your love making. Even something little. Begin or end with a back rub (FOR HER). Get creative, the goal is to find some form of enjoyment for her. Maybe, chocolate sundaes afterwards? Something she can take away from the experience other than just the man's satisfaction. It doesn't have to be an orgasm....often too much work for little pleasure.
    Something to help her look forward to the next time.

    The other solution the man has is to leave her and go in search of the elusive horny females that roam the earth. Then you can stand in line with all the other frustrated males hoping to win the juicy tomato for their own. But if you win her, just remember, she may not turn out to be that dream girl of your fantasies. There is that day to day living thing that often gets in the way of our wishes. Probably better to work things out with someone you know you love. It's a good place to start , especially if you have formed a family (remember, one of the reasons you married)?
    Anyway, no one said that marriage was easy.
    Best of luck.


    Still working on it myself.






  1. Anonymous said...:

    It sure sounds like the HDP and the LDP have a hard time understanding each other. Perhaps because we are coming from two completely different starting points. I am the LDP in a very long term marriage. When we were dating and the first few years we were married we had pretty compatible libidos. I loved making love to my husband. Then we had a baby and for some reason after that, my sex drive took a nose dive. My husband couldn't understand that those lusty feelings I once had for him just disappeared. I didn't understand it either, all I knew was that I still loved him more than anything but that inside feeling of needing to be sexual with my husband just wasn't there anymore. I also couldn't understand how he could feel that I didn't love him anymore. It made no sense to me that if I didn't lust after his body, to him, it meant I didn't love him.
    Farthest thing from the truth! But because it was causing him so much distress, I started taking herbs to increase my libido. That didn't work. I tried vaginal creams and hormones. Nothing brought back that body craving for sex.
    Because my husband still had those cravings and was getting frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for sex, I just kept having sex with him anyway. But overtime, that lack of physical need or drive for sex started making me feel depressed after we made love. I guess it was because I wasn't getting anything from our sessions: I didn't feel the connectedness anymore, all I was doing was going through the motions. Since there wasn't a mutual satisfaction going on, I started not enjoying sex. It was like all my body was good for was for his enjoyment not mine. I couldn't get that feeling of wanting/needing intimacy back. So I had just become an empty shell of a body. I still loved my husband but the desire for love making wasn't there and I was not getting any warm fuzzies....no fulfillment. I actually started not wanting it anymore. I often would cry alone when I knew we would be making love later because I just didn't think I could keep going through the motions for ever and ever and not enjoying one thing about it.
    I tried everything I could think of to get my libido back. I missed it also. But nothing has helped....herbs, hormones, sexy movies and books. It's not like I haven't tried! Years later, I have found that my testosterone level has basically dropped to zero from menopause. For health reasons I can't take supplements of testosterone.
    I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never feel those lusty feelings again.
    I just want everyone to know that low libido persons ( from no fault of their own) are often hurting too. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because I can't give my husband the one thing he truly needs! I feel like a failure as a wife and lover. Oh how I wish sex wasn't all that important!
    Thank God I have been blessed with a wonderful understanding husband. We have managed to work on the issue and have come up with a good balance for the two of us. It's been hard for him to understand that my love for him has never dwindled even though my lust for his body has.
    Time has been a savior ,in that, slowly my husbands sex drive has decreased though, I don't think he has noticed:)
    Our marriage has survived without him feeling too deprived and without me feeling to used up sexually. We have always loved each other and look forward to sitting in those rocking chairs on the front porch together.
    There is hope but only if we try to understand where each other is coming from and find a comfortable compromise for both parties.
    Marriage truly is wonderful!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    There are many men out there complaining about their partners low sex drive. It must be natural for women's sex drive to dive at some point because it is such a common occurrence. I have known several women that have tried all kinds of remedies that truly haven't worked. Myself included. There doesn't happen to be a female viagra out there yet.
    But, there are several known medications that will lower sex drive. Perhaps these frustrated men could talk to their doctors about giving one a try. I've heard several men comment on their decreased sex drive on these pills as actually being liberating. The frustration is gone. The sexual thoughts just disappear. The need to masturbate or have sex doesn't even enter their minds. What a relief! Life is good! Much of what a low libido person feels.
    So, if the wife has tried everything to boost her libido ( of course it's her responsibility to try first) to match that of the partners to no avail, why doesn't the husband try something to lower his to her level? He might find it quite pleasant.
    And, it just might save a marriage. Quit complaining and do something about it. Then, when the pink viagra comes to the market, men can stop their pills and women can start their pills. Everybody wins!
    This could even work for the women with the higher sex drive than her partner. Just a thought.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My wife and I have been married for three years, I have always loved sex and wow I don't know of I am good at it any more or just a hubby for the wife to cuddle, we have three kids both work shifts and yes we do our fair share of house work, but I don't know what to do to make her want even once a week a lil romance time with us two sharing a passion of fun in the bedroom, I feel like I am 60 and not 33 years no disrespect to the elders but really, it's been 5 months and I feel really really low in confidence, I go on a stag do could a romance but love my wife millions had to just walk off pretending to be rat assed to get rid of the girl because lads temptation is not worth the family you have, I just don't have a sex life any more I don't even ask much once in two months, I get my back hurts"I have been feeling rough and all you think about is sex" no luv I don't just think about sex I miss sex, I don't know how I can see us staying strong together if she does not want one night of passion/fun a month I would be happy. I am scared I am not going to be able to stay with her if this carries on, I don't know what to do say or even think, my wife and my family mean the world.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Ok so he says lets shag I say im a bit tired let me catch a snooze then I will wake up for a midnight snack . I wake up in the middle of the night to start the session and he says go back to sleep.
    So I do . He gives me the silent treatment the whole day . I try to talk to him about the previous night he doesn't seem to care about the conversation so I kept quiet . He decides to read a book in the lounge while we were watching tv then took off to bath and then from nowhere says lets shag . DO MEN KNOW THE MEANING OF AFFECTION!? DO YOU REALIZE THE THINGS YOU PUT A WOMEN THROUGH BEFORE YOU DROP THE SEX BOMB!?Think about it before you ask your wife to just open an pass the peach . Been married for 7 yrs and my hubby still doesnt get me

  1. Anonymous said...:

    If only women knew how much men have to sacrifice, we go and earn money, go through shitty hell, and come back we have to satisfy our wives, satisfy our kids, if we dont we get scolded by our wives, we dont get sex, its not like the wives come to you tell you what she wants, she will play mind games that hey you have to figure out what i want, women are not easygoing at all, they have expectations at so many levels, this is why guys cheat, we have high sex drive built in, if you only knew how much we compromise with that, and women want someone to talk to and share stuff and fairy tale sex, ALL THE TIME!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Familiarity in a long term relationship tends to squelch a women's sexual desire. We don't have the hormones that keep us craving sex for our partners over the years. After the thrill is gone and after years of hearing a man fart upon waking, pick his nose while he's driving, and "rearranging himself" when he sits down, sex actually loses its appeal all together. A long term relationship leads to familiarity which in turn can lead to a strong loving relationship but it often doesn't include hot steamy sexual thoughts on the women's part.
    I believe all this talk about how a marriage needs sexual intimacy to stay strong is everyones way of saying that the men need sex and if they don't get sex the relationship suffers.
    Women have known this for ever.
    I remember my grandmother talking about "just doing it" to keep him happy. It seemed to help keep marriages together. Along with the fact that family had more importance than personal satisfaction in society in the past. Now a days, personal needs and wants are much more important than the social structure of marriage.
    Still, I can only imagine the number of married women out there suffering in silence giving sex to their husbands and cringing inside just to keep the marriage alive because they love their husband.
    I wonder who suffers more, the man who isn't receiving the sex he deserves or the women who is having sex she truly doesn't want for the sake of keeping her partner happy?
    It seems like men often feel sex is more important than a marriage and if they don't get their sex, they think about leaving or cheating.
    A women often feels the marriage and her love for her husband is more important than the sex so she tolerates years of sex she doesn't want or crave to keep her husband happy.
    Now that women are starting to express their own needs and desires, and deciding to not engage in sex they don't want , we may actually begin to see a collapse of marriage as we've known it. Women will stop giving of themselves when they aren't interested. Perhaps, in this new age of personal independence, our sexual needs (or lack of sexual needs) ARE more important than family structure, long term companionship, and love.

  1. It never ceases to amaze me and at the same time sadden me, the ignorant closed minded views circulating about women and sex.

    I am a 37 year old mom, who wants, thinks about, and desires sex all the time! It kills me when people say that women don't need or even want it as much as men. Leaving men to be viewed as wild animals and shamed for wanting sex with this wives.

    My theory is that many women haven't connected with their own sexuality and have never felt free to develop and explore their own sexual wants, needs and desires. There seems to be a major disconnect from their inner sensual/sexual self.

    This is something EVERY women needs to discover and nurture from within whether, married, single, gay, straight or anything in between.

    There's a strength, confidence and powerful self identity that is connected to a woman and her inner sexual being.

    When you find your inner self, you'll discover that sex isn't a favor your doing for your husband, but a sensual act of expressing your needs and desires that's fulfilling for your own sexual self.

    Which brings me to my closing point, women need to explore themselves and discover what turns them on or off for that matter. If you don't know, how the heck is he supposed to? Communication is key. Free yourself from the chains of popular thinking and find your inner sexual self. Sex isn't bad or something to feel shamed or guilty about wanting.

  1. It never ceases to amaze me and at the same time sadden me, the ignorant closed minded views circulating about women and sex.

    I am a 37 year old mom, who wants, thinks about, and desires sex all the time! It kills me when people say that women don't need or even want it as much as men. Leaving men to be viewed as wild animals and shamed for wanting sex with this wives.

    My theory is that many women haven't connected with their own sexuality and have never felt free to develop and explore their own sexual wants, needs and desires. There seems to be a major disconnect from their inner sensual/sexual self.

    This is something EVERY women needs to discover and nurture from within whether, married, single, gay, straight or anything in between.

    There's a strength, confidence and powerful self identity that is connected to a woman and her inner sexual being.

    When you find your inner self, you'll discover that sex isn't a favor your doing for your husband, but a sensual act of expressing your needs and desires that's fulfilling for your own sexual self.

    Which brings me to my closing point, women need to explore themselves and discover what turns them on or off for that matter. If you don't know, how the heck is he supposed to? Communication is key. Free yourself from the chains of popular thinking and find your inner sexual self. Sex isn't bad or something to feel shamed or guilty about wanting.

  1. XOman said...:

    So after all the excuses in the world you couldn't jerk the dude off or give them a hand job in my opinion people do what they want to do excuses excuses

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have same problem! Beginning to wonder if its work it!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Annonymous...really.!?!?..what if the man has done all of the above...stopped pressuring...given her space...been there for her...been the best friend...helped out more around the house...masterbate in private to relieve his urges and it has been years...supported her through medical issues...job issues and still no end in sight.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    what about the spouse who cant have sex without talking about my past sexual experiences,or about the possibility of having sex with other people. He wants me to talk about me having sex with women or men, or having a personal sex slave. He wants to come on my face, or make me swallow. He wants to put things himself or other items in my butt... then he gets angry if I cant comply and constantly tells me I reject him by not doing what he wants. Needless to say we fight about sex often. He tells me I am an anomaly because I don't fantasize or want to engage in sex like he does. Am I a freak? Do I have sexual dysfunction because these things don't work for me? He has actually moved out because he says he needs someone who respects him, and wants to be with him

  1. Anonymous said...:

    S R august 4th raised a different side to many an argument,as we could start to lay blame on either sex,i am a 50 year old man with a sex drive i would call normal that is i love my partner i enjoy the intimate moments, i feel as she and myself connect when we have sex,but like most comments on here i now find that due to peri-menopause and many a symptom related to this,things have changed,yes we have sex but i dont believe myself she is really connecting ,she says she loves me but when the mood or should i say she is not too tired she will just come to bed and just face me,no touching as in none specific just nothing.i initiate i touch then she will me but i can say it does feel like its an allowance im given and this is not true desire on her part.the strange thing is peri menopause can do a lot and the woman faces so much turbulance inside her,its true a mans hormones decrease less over time,but the sad fact is we and our loving wives or partners face a real challenge,it does hurt when you think she dont love you or she has no desire for you,but look anywhere o the www,and you will see that this time of life can kill a relationship,all we can do is be supportive. but if sex or the need for it is so great i myself think you cannot blame the woman who is in the change nor can us men be said to be just creatures who always want sex under any situation,both sexes should learn or face the door that says exit !

  1. Joshua Cash said...:

    Aaron, I know it's a year later, but the article is written well and I think is equally directed at both male and female LDP/HDP. I am the HDP in my relationship and I have to agree that this whole scenario from both sides suck even when one of you is not as bitter as some of your other viewers seem to be. Because I know and understand when being a HDP can sometimes be overbearing (because of it and LDP being a biochemical reaction to your environment) for you and your partner, I am trying a supplement called chasteberry. It has been touted as helping level out low libido and high libido individuals. However, because it does interact with the endocrine system and dopamine levels, and because we're not Psychiatrists, I cannot say "take this" and obviously this may not work for everyone. All I can say, is if anyone reading loves their partner more than their sex cravings, there is a way. Always do whatever is right by you and then make sure no matter how uncomfortable it may be that you discuss your worries and concerns with your partner. As long as there is still hope for your relationship, there can be hope for your sex life. Until things come around try to remember when you both started dating and try to impress or demonstrate your feelings in the same way. Also try to handle your urges in the same way you used to as well. This is a very complex issue, but a part of the problem for a HDP is that we've gotten used to having sex as a release (both hormones and neural chemicals are released during sex that are unlike anything else, but can be addicting like a drug to a HDP). There is hope, if both parties want it to get better, but it took both of you to get to this point, so it will take both of you to get out. If sex is more important to you than the relationship or sex with your partner now disgusts you, I would say it's time to move on, for both of you. Good luck.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of an erotic sexual encounter; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To Joshua Cash above,

    Good for you for at least trying to help your situation and understanding what your wife is going through!
    I admire your commitment to your wife and marriage though things have changed over the years. Best of luck and I do hope the Casteberry helps relieve some of your tensions. You are truly a breath of fresh air.

  1. Hopeful said...:

    In response to SR Aug. 4

    Spot on! Many women have never learned to enjoy sex. And when you don't enjoy something, you usually don't desire or want it. Question is, how do women learn how to enjoy sex? And, if they have been having sex and not enjoying it for years, how do you convince them they can still learn to enjoy it?

    And to XOman Aug. 4

    My guess is many women Do jerk the man off or actually have sex with them for the mans sake yet when they do this over and over again and get nothing from it in return (enjoyment/fulfillment), it gets old real fast. It becomes the sex that the guy needs (a lot!) I think SR is right. For many women, sexual pleasure doesn't come naturally. It has to be learned. When women give sex over and over again (because they are supposed to) and when they get no pleasure in it, it only makes sense they will get tired, bored, and resentful, and not want to do it anymore.
    Somehow women need to open up to the possibility that they just might be able to find some enjoyment from making love to their partners. Society tells us that everyone loves sex, it feels, good and we need lots of it. But to those women who never have enjoyed sex, it sure makes us feel broken, like there is something wrong with us, and that we will never feel pleasure from sex.
    I think we need to realize women don't work like men. We need to learn how to learn to enjoy sex.
    If you can't beat um, join um right?

    SR or anyone, have you got any suggestions on how to try to enjoy sex?

  1. Sending you strength said...:

    To Aug. 8th

    You are NOT an anomaly! You are a women who has respect for herself. He sounds like the type of guy who is looking for a live sex toy. It is that type of behavior that gives men a bad name. Women should NEVER put up with that kind of treatment. ..I truly hope there isn't any abuse involved.
    Best of luck to you and remember to keep your self respect and stay strong!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Or maybe I'll bend over backwards give her a few days where I take care of the kids, do the chores, give massages, and watch chick flicks with her and she still doesn't want anything to do with sex. Actually there's no maybe about it. I'm sorry, but you woman think you know what you want, but when you get it you're still not satisfied I'm about to lose it

  1. battle of the sexes said...:

    My conclusions from reading all these posts is that sex is extemley important to men while it is obviously not that important to many women.
    Men don't understand why their wives won't give them more, even a quickie or a BJ....5 min. out of her day won't kill her, right? While, on the other hand, they complain when the women isn't fully engaged. Well, guys, which is it?
    And women, quit leading the men on with telling them they will get some after they do such and such. Come on, you aren't going to be hot after your guy just because he did a load of laundry.

    To many men, sex is very important. That dosen't make them a bad guy. They are just a pretty normal male.

    To many women, sex isn't very important.
    That doesn't make them a bad gal. They are just a pretty normal female.

    So if you are married, it might help to quit blaming each other for being the way they are and figure out a compromise (part of being married) that will keep each other from "losing it" as August 20th expressed so well.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I really don't understand why you Aaron are saying that give it to her when. She wants it one time a week and masturbate the other four nights a week I didn't marry her to play with myself neither did every other guy that married his significant other don't get me wrong I love my wife to death but I just don't understand some of the things I have read today the guys have a good point the girls on here have good points but also I mean it's hard to connect with someone sometimes and after sex I feel like it eases up a Little bit and it's easier to connect with my wife I wanna talk to her I wanna hold her I massage her and I hold her so much it's unreal my problem isn't as bad as some ppls problems on here but I really just don't understand how women can have sex with you all the time and then once your married it's slims down to almost none that suck completely sex to men is like a woman's hot bath that she longs for all day while she's at work it's what most any guy longs to have and longs to do it is natural say what you will but it is I don't mean to offend anyone but I'm very blunt and I will let it out like it is

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I now feel so sorry for any bride that I see on her wedding day as she doesn't realize that the honeymoon period is the start of the end of a happy life. After 25+ years of being married to my husband I've come to realize that as a wife you are only as good as the last time you performed! All those vows he promised you the day you married were just an act. The very fact that once you've got the ring on your finger automatically means you no longer exist as a person but as a cook, cleaner, mother,General dogs body and prostitute. If your husband can't be bothered to be a friend , a source of comfort and support or a father and husband without putting his need for sex first then it's fair to say that he doesn't see you as worth the effort. There are lots of men on here moaning about how little they get? Awe what a shame, when was the last time you made your lady feel special?and genuinely meant it. Not just stringing her along to get your end result. Imagine the sheer disappointment that after years of staying faithful and trying your best in the relationship you come to see that the man you devoted your future to is so shallow and consumed with life between his legs that this is as good as it gets! I thought that as the years went by the sign of a real man was his ability to be mature , realistic, loving and understanding. The male selfishness in the bedroom is enough to make any good woman turn to lesbianism.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Interesting thread. I too suffer from a sexual incompatibility with my wife. I'm 37, she is 36, we've been married 6 years and have a 4 year old son. Before our son's birth, we had sex 3-4 times a week. We both worked full time, and contributed equally, with her taking the lion's share of house duties. After our son was born, she left her job, and I assumed almost complete financial responsibility. She took odd jobs, which in addition to caring for our son and the house, were exhausting. Our sex dwindled to 1-2 weeks. Now that seems downright excessive. She decided to start her own business, and I supported her 100%, leaving my job to watch our son, continuing to work part time to supplement our income, and working for her free of charge. I helped to establish her business, provided start up capital, and so on, all because I love her and I want her to be happy. Now she is totally consumed by her business, always complains about being too tired, rarely desires sex. We have sex at most 1x per month and only when she wants it. Any more than that and i am pressuring her, or being too demanding. Now even that 1x per month is becoming a chore I fear. Meanwhile, I am still supporting her financially by working for free, working part time to help supplement income, and am now doing the lion's share of child-rearing and household duties. I try to be more affectionate with her, but even when I try to hold her hand or cuddle she complains I am pressuring her. I send her emails throughout the day expressing my affection, which go unresponded. I try to tell her how much I love her, how much she means to me, and so on, romance her, all the suggestions women make to get her in the mood, and nothing works. She sets the schedule, I take what I can get, and still it's too much "pressure." She says she just wants me time but honestly she had less when we first started dating and we were together all the time ... Don't know what to do. I've been in another relationship that ended over this and I don't want it to happen again.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Update to my thread on 22nd August. Please don't misunderstand my opinions on this matter regarding how I feel about my husband's demands for more sex. I actually would not mind more sex but need the thing that turns me on most, and that is the safe warm loving feeling you get from a partner that respects your emotions and you as a person. I feel strongly that to give myself sexually to my partner is the ultimate in trust and have been left feeling on so many occasions badly let down. Have been reading here many men say that when a woman gets married she should know that she is obliged to tend to her man's needs? What about the man's obligation to love through sickness and health for better or worse! Also been reading some husbands say that their partner was quite sexually eager in the beginning, was this possibly because in the early days of marriage before kids and before the rut set in the man made more of an effort to be what their partners wanted? I'm afraid that as years go by things change, responsibilities commitments and attitudes. Most men not all seem to be incapable of growing and adapting to change. In my own experience my partner if he can't get enough of what he wants in the bedroom reverts back to being a boy again taking tantrums, ignoring me and taking less to do with the family. He also has a habit of saying "sex is just a physical act" well if that's the case I'm turned off straight away. If I'd wanted just a " physical act" I wouldn't have bothered getting married. He can then turn it around to suit and say " you've not been giving me any affection" so what am I to think? My love and commitment to our relationship of many years is my affection as well as many other ways I display affection. I am not a robot and don't want a life of just " a physical act" Young girls are brought up to have respect for themselves and their bodies and not to let anyone do things to them that they are not comfortable with, so why then would we let ourselves be disrespected in marriage by the person who is supposed to love us most? Also in this world nobody is perfect and for all the complaining my partner aims at me there's just as much I could complain about about him. So may I suggest to men that if you are not mature enough when getting married then don't. We need partners that can take the ups and downs in life also partners that have the ability to look at themselves when there's a problem and question " is there something I as a husband can be doing to help make this situation better" I personally would like more sexual intimacy but not at the expense of feeling like an object!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Been there done that. My advise marriage after a certain amount of undisclosed time becomes a tool of control. One person trying to control the other. Suggestion: Don't get married! It will keep both people on their toes to please the other, and if things don't work out each can go there own separate ways. Nothing worse than a miserable, boring marriage that sex is being used as a leverage for control.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Be very careful here and observe her quietly. I spoke to my wife about it too and she too got angry. There are major signs something is not right morally. Be advised.

  1. Exasperated said...:

    My husband of many years I'm sure is a narcissistic man. His behaviour is hard to deal with at the best of times but even harder to take if he is not getting enough in the bedroom. He can't see that his outbursts and rages over trivial issues is a major turn of for me. We do not communicate anymore on sensitive issues like sex as his point of view always has to be right. I went through a period of 14 months with possibly having cervical cancer and was uptight not knowing how I was going to be. Luckily it turned out that I was ok but during this time he never asked how I was or what my results were, and he wonders why I'm not moved by his cries for more sex. When younger I suffered from major panic attacks and thought that when I confided in my husband and asked for him to keep it between us until I found a way to cope that he would be understanding. Oh how I was wrong, I found out years later from our friends that they all knew about it at the time as my husband had told them. At times when for whatever reason I decline his advances he can react by having a rage saying things like " if you were a proper wife you wouldn't leave your husband frustrated like this" then go on to slam doors bang drawers and leave the house for work without saying goodbye to anyone including the kids. I'm often left thinking that if he were a proper husband and father then he would get up out of bed and help out rather than have a go about what he is not getting. I too am up getting ready for work and getting kids organised, why is it I have to address his needs and do everything else, leaving him free to go about looking out for number 1 ( himself)! Also myself and kids can endure days of silent treatment . None of this behaviour fills me with the desire for sex as I feel that by having sex it reinforces his behaviour and makes him think that I will happily take verbal abuse and still be a loving wife. Am I wrong? Or should I just shut up and put up even if this means more years of feeling used.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    At least your wife really shows she's not interested. What i'm dealing with is somewhat similar, the only difference is my wife loves to tease. She touches, rubs and sometimes even give 30 second oral sex and after that just leaves me hanging and when i try to pursue what's been started i get rejected. I tried explaining how important it is for me to make love , how much i feel connected and loved each time we do the deed but i still get nothing, sometime i get lucky and i get a halfhearted sex session that she wants to get over with as soon as possible (by the way, we have sex, the halfhearted one, around 1 to 2 times a month). i'm so tempted to look outside our marriage but i just can't do it. i don't feel that her not having sex with me can justify the hurt i could possibly give her when i do that to her, even if she doesn't find out.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    For all men ( husbands) on this site posting about how it's "a wife's duty to have sex with her husband" or "why can't she just give me what I want"try looking at it from our point of view, having kids to look after is demanding enough without the husband turning into another kid in the family! We need a supportive partner to be there through all life's ups and downs. If my partner at least tried to be more understanding then the chances of an increase in sex would be greater than at present with his constant complaints or what is it men like to call it? Nagging! My advice is grow up, man up and be able to accept that life is not a perfect bed of roses and try a bit of old fashioned romance and take an interest in your wife as a woman with needs also.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Agree with Aug. 26

    The woman has to tolerate the husbands over sex drive just as much as the husband has to deal with the wife's lack there of.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Low sex drive is just that: a low sex drive.
    It is not one person playing mind games to control the other person. It is not someone trying to be mean and vindictive. It is not that someone doesn't love you anymore. It means they don't have a strong drive for sex. They don't have the strong urges. They often don't even think about sex except when their partner keeps bringing it up. It is not something they have control over.
    It is very much like hunger. If you aren't hungry, you can't make yourself hungry. You don't think about eating until you ARE hungry. And no matter how hard a person wants to make another person hungry, they can't. Sorry.
    It saddens me that many (I will use Men) get angry at their wives because they aren't hungry for sex as much as they are . Most People don't suppress their sex drive to make you mad or control you!!!
    Yes, they could give you more sex. But It might not be the kind of sex you are longing for at the moment, but if they offer, please accept and make yourself feel better.
    Quit blaming them for Your higher sex drive!
    You are hungry, they are not.
    Oh, and just because they were hungry all the time when you first got together, doesn't mean they will continue to be hungry as often later in the relationship. You can't Make them want it more.


  1. Anonymous said...:

    I agree with August 29, I have found that after 20+ years of marriage that at the times that I don't have a hunger for sex I feel the need for the friendship of the man I married years ago. I spent all my married life doing exactly what was expected of a wife and mother and now from time to time it would be nice to remember the days when we had somethings in common and not just be the source of my husband's physical needs. I have spent 95% of the last 15 years at least going to bed on my own while he sits up till all hours smoking pot, leaving me feeling ignored and neglected. Yet come first thing in the morning when the male urge sets in I'm expected to oblige? We also sit in almost complete silence for entire evenings in each other's company as he says that he is not interested in "trivial conversation" I would like to talk about all manner of things that are both important and trivial but now don't bother as I'm sick of feeling as though I'm being an irritation to him. So I'm not in the slightest bit interested anymore in catering to my selfish mans needs. If he can't make time for us or can't be bothered talking then I'm not giving him the most intimate part of me! It's our 25th wedding anniversary soon and I was making plans for a special break away for us but due to his lack of interest I've decided to cancel. He has spent more time devoted to his interests and pursuits and never once asked about plans for our special event. I'm completely sure that if I wasn't married to this self centred man then another man who knows how to treat a woman properly could have been having a great sex life as I'm not opposed to sex but I'm no door mat either. To all men please realize that a lack of sex is not a loss of feeling of love for you it's just that your partner is needing something more meaningful than a quick fumble in the sack! A little interest in the person your spending your life with goes a long way. Imagine if you had a daughter or indeed if you already have a daughter, would you want her to spend the rest of her days in an unhappy marriage where the husband's needs always came first and she was left feeling like a slave to her man?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I try my hardest all the time to do the right thing to letting her sleep in whenever i am here in the mornings changing nappies helping out with everything. Even buying her anything she wants. Me and the kids even have one night away a week to let her have a break by spending the night in the caravan so she can do as she wants. even after all this it can be months and months with out anything at all.Am getting to the point now of anger and frustration and soon will slowly stop helping to do anything. Just want a little bit of affection for all i help with and not a simple rejection or told where to go when i try. 2 years ago it was out of control we could not walk past each other without having to sneak away and a times we would have sex upto 20 times a week. Starting to suspect cheating even though she is the most loyal lady around.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    There is some realness about these 2tryusms

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To August 30 above,

    My guess is she is Not cheating. Men don't seem to understand that women's sex drives change over time. It would be best for you to talk to her and tell her you are going crazy. Perhaps you could have a regular day/time for sex. That way you will know you will get your affection and she knows that is the time you two have together so she can get herself mentally geared up for it. Just a suggestion. Best of luck.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    TO ALL THE WOMAN WHO SAY WE SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT AND LEARN TO ADAPT.ISNT THAT BEING SELFISH?? IF WE SACRIFICE OURSELVES FOR YOU AS IN WORK A FULLTIME JOB A PART TIME JOB DO CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE HELP YOU IN ANYWAY WE CAN POSSIBLE AND DO THINGS FOR YOU THAT WE DONT WANT TO OR DO T FEEL LIKE JUST TO SEE YOU WITH A SMILE AND FEEL HAPPY, WHY CANT YOU SACRIFICE IN PLEASURING YOUR MAN.NOT SAYING TO HAVE SEX EVERYDAY BUT AT LEAST WITHIN REASON OR IF NOT SEX EVEN ORAL IS SHOWING HIM YOU CARE.GIRLS HAVE THEIR NEEDS AND MOST MEN GIVE THEM THEIR NEEDS WHATEVER THEY ARE AND US MEN NEED OURS WHICH WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS MOST OF THE TIME.WHY CANT THEY BE MET.ITS NOT ALL ABOUT HAPPG WIFE HAPPY LIFE.WHAT ABOUT US MEN DONT WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY???

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I so badly want sex. Wife refuses. It's been ages now. I have told her in so many words too. She says she is trying to get out of a bad phase she is in. I have supported her all through the bad phase but nada. I am now on passive aggressive mode with my wife and don't speak unless required. All I can say is this....it feels pathetic.

  1. Hector Lopez said...:

    Humans need and want sex. Men and women like and enjoy sex. Women and men are different. Anybody can enjoy sex to old age. Marriage dinamics kils the desire for sex most of the time, specially for women. Culture, education and religion had to do a lot with this. If a normal women is in love with a men and attracted to him, and he is romantic, most of the time this women wants to have sex with this men. Most men stop being romantic once they get married. Women start feeling that sex is a chore, and eventually don't want to have sex anymore.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    From the time we were married my husband was a 4 time a year let's have sex. We are now at a point that we never have any kind of intimacy. And haven't for 5 years. I no longer have any desire to fight it. We have been married for 25 years. I don't see it ever happening and I don't care anymore. Yes it has killed many things in our marriage but having been to a therapist and worked on me...I don't have to feel guilty because I tried for years. And now... I am A sexual and have no desire at all. Life happens and we can be negative nor look at the good things and be happy for them. I have learned not to wrap my life around my husband and to live my life. Grateful people are happy but not all happy people are grateful. I chose to be grateful for the many things I do have in this life.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow, what a read. I want to have sex all the time. My wife mot so much. We used to have sex everyday. It was great. All kinds of crazy sex. Then one day it dropped off. In think there in is the problem. I became a custom to sex everyday. I became a custom to crazy wild passionate sex. Then it stopped. For years we had sex everyday unless she was on the bleed. Sometimes we even had a good fuck while she was on the bleed. It was awesome. Each time better than the last, i looked forward to it at the end of my day. Then it stopped. 7 days a week to maybe 2. Now maybe 1 if i am lucky. Forgetting that it is sex, and say it is... a killer sandwich. Man i love that sandwich. It fills a hole. It satisfies me. I can count on it after a long day. Now take away that sandwich. I miss that sandwich. I dream about that sandwich. I want my sandwich. I mean it has been there for me for years, now its gone. I dont want oatmeal i want my sandwich. We get used to things as men. We are creatures of habit.i could live my routine everyday for the rest of my life and die happy with that sandwich. But i no longer have it. Im hungry.i always feel hungry.and when I get a sandwich now it sucks. Just some quikly thrown together meat on bread. She is just to tired to make it any more. So i go hungry. Left with a gnawing sensation in my gut. Is it my fault i feel like this? Didnt she help make me this way? Im not saying i need to fuck the shit out of her everynight, but let us at least be epic a few times a week. I think the big problem is women all of a sudden lose the desire they helped build with their man. I love my wife, i love fucking my wife.but i miss the sex we once had.the sex she is too tired to try and have again. For awhile i thought she was cheating on me.i no longer think that is the case, but it caused a lot of hurt. I wish she had weened me off the pussy, not made me quit cold turkey. It was kinda a dick move on her part. As of now we have had sex maybe 10 times i the past 3 months. Out of those 10 maybe 2 could rate as epic fucks. By epic i mean we both came hard on each other, no tv dinner pokes. None of this ill move my panties to the side so you can slip it in while i sleep... sorry to rant, i just wish we never had so much sex in the past. It is making my future seem like a... sexless wasteland...

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To August 31, Think I know where your going wrong, maybe the efforts you make with the practical side of being a partner are so abundantly obvious as being a "sacrifice". Would you honestly not bother to work full or part time if you were single? Would you not take care of the home you live in if you were single? Being married is not about point scoring, doing your bit in the home is not an entitlement to sex! It's part of being a responsible husband and father and a grown up. The part that is missing in most of these relationships where there's a lack of sex from the wife is the missing genuine interest by the husband in seeing his wife as a person. Remember the early days in the relationship when you all couldn't be anymore romantic when you said all the right things and made an effort to create some romance. Now the ring has been on her finger for some years and she is just part of your entitlement. I am a wife, I work, look after the kids and home as well as many other duties, but I don't expect a pat on the back for doing those things, I just do them! My own personal experience is that I couldn't care less about the trivial things like housework and who does the most, my partner the majority of the time is selfish on so many other levels and has an arrogant approach to myself and kids. If he could change is attitude towards us then I would have more respect for him and he would definitely get more sex. As it stands I have no desire to be intimate with someone who has no sense of genuine care and respect for his family. Wife's can tell the difference between when you do things to really help out or to make life easier and when things are done just because you want sex. Sex for a woman is far more enjoyable when there is a real connection of love and not simply being made to feel like it's a duty. My partner takes major tantrums if he does not get sex when he wants. That lack of respect shown by him is a major turn off for me and so he then creates a situation where my interest in sex with him is drastically reduced. It's a catch 22 situation , if only he would respect that when I say no to sex at that particular moment does not mean I don't have a genuine reason. I do not reject him to hurt him but if I tell him that I'm unwell or tired or for any other reason can't have sex then he tells me that I'm just" MAKING EXCUSES". I say that if he feels so bad about it all and he is unwilling to work through our current situation then I don't understand why he is still with us. I'm not forcing him to stay if things are so miserable.

  1. Anonymous said...:


    Wow, had I only known that I was supposed to have sex with my husband when he wanted it, the way he wanted it, no matter what, until death do us part, I would have run like hell.
    I thought marriage was a foundation for raising children and maintaining the safety of those children until they were grown. A union of mutual respect and ?love? for each other. To support each other through the good times and the bad.
    My vows said to love and cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. My vows never said anything about sex on demand.
    Webster's defines marriage as: a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family; an intimate or close union. Intimate: belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature; marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity or marked by a warm friendship developing through long association. Intimacy: the state of being intimate: FAMILIARITY. No where does it mention sex.

    I do believe we have forgotten the prime reason to form a marriage: Family.
    I guess my reasons for getting married must have been a little old fashioned.










  1. Anonymous said...:

    September 2, I know exactly what you mean, think I'd much rather be on my own than have a life of being constantly told that everything's not good enough. I'm constantly being woken out of my sleep by my inconsiderate husband looking for sex. It can be any hour of the night or morning and it just makes my blood boil. The fact that he is doing this shows absolutely no care or concern for me, I really need my sleep and to be woken constantly to satisfy his needs is so cruel. He once told me that if he got all the sex he wanted then I would have a happier life as he would be so happy. If he gets all the sex he wants then that leaves me feeling cheap and degraded that I had to perform just to get a quiet life. I don't feel any sense of a friendship between us after 20+ years together so having sex with someone who now feels like a stranger to me. My husband wants sex every morning and the mornings are so busy with getting kids ready for school and organising everything for the day ahead, I've learned that if he does not get sex he will not help out in any way and bangs doors, slams drawers and leaves the home without saying goodbye to anyone. Come to think of it even when he does get sex he still does absolutely nothing to help, oh and he is not the only one getting out to work! I work also. What a "CATCH" eh ? How lucky am I? I Just can't understand how with all his inconsiderations I'm not so so desperate to pleasure him daily??? Doesn't take a brain surgeon to work that one out. By the way I'm not opposed to sex in fact I do enjoy it very much but a bit of effort on my husband's part would make the world of a difference. It's not asking a lot to be taken out now and then , wined & dined at home, given a massage or at the very least be a friend to talk to and a support when needed. It's not asking much, but then with my husband's massive sense of "POOR ME" what chance have I got of any of that happening?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To all of you men out there complaining about a low sex marriage, one question:

    Would you rather have regular duty sex or no sex at all? If the wife can't pretend to be lusty, passionate, and horny (when she is not), would duty sex be good enough to keep you from complaining?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To anonymous 8:03

    Wow, sorry, sounds like every woman's nightmare.
    Behavior like that makes women grow to hate sex.
    Dosen't he realize that if you gave him all the sex he wanted, his life would be miserable because you would be miserable? If it is only sex that makes him happy, let's prey to God he doesn't get ED. Or wait, perhaps we should prey he Does for your sake.
    Best of luck with your situation.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well put. We are alway hearing the wife's side always tired to have sex. What of the man who has to handle all the responsibilities of providing for the wife and kids. Handle the stress of the office only to come home and get shut out. Is it better that the husband no longer finds his wife sexy and seeks this satisfaction else where?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I almost feel sorry for the husband's that live their life between their legs, don't think they fully appreciate all aspects of their relationships with family and partner, I mean how can they if their minds are only 5% thinking of the family and the other 95% of the time thinking about their penis. And as for all the Times I hear a man complain about a lack of "affection" well let's tell it like it is, what your seeking has dam all to do with affection and we all know it. Getting physical satisfaction when you want it has nothing to do with affection it's just a need for a physical act! Think marriage vows should be rewritten to include " to promise to supply sex on request till the day you die no matter how you feel" might make a few brides reconsider the implications of being married.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Ladies I'm afraid that after reading all your posts and talking with my female friends I think that what your men really really want is a wife that will put up and shut up! Think if we could be replaced by a SEX ROBOT that does housework then men would be very content. Didn't actually think they married us for our appealing personality, did you?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So, a wife can be loving, caring, pretty, smart, funny, hard working, good mother, handyman, income supplier, etc., but if she doesn't want sex as much as you do she's not worth 2 cents in your book?

    It would be nice to know I'm loved for the PERSON I am, not for the sex I choose to supply.

    I agree with 7:41 in that men tend to confuse "affection" with sex.

    And for 12:16, I'm not sure what you mean by "get shut out", is she mean and nasty or just not wanting sex at the moment?
    And to your comment that women are always too tired to have sex:

    This might not make any sense to you, but for many women, it takes A LOT of energy, both mental and physical, to get prepared for a romantic romp. For some, sex is more of a stress producer than a stress reliever.

    One thing I never understand is:

    Why are men Never Too Tired for sex?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I have been married for over 30 years to the most wonderful loving man. We have a great life together, enjoy each others company, and enjoy the same hobbies. My sex drive has always been lower than my husbands and at this point (after menopause) I now no longer have a sex drive. But, we have managed to still have a regular sexual relationship though it takes much more effort on my part these days. Marriage has been wonderful for me.
    But, even after all of these years of marriage, I still have a hard time understanding and accepting male sexuality.

    What is Sad for me is that because of the:

    announcements of sexual conquests in high school, masturbation, incest, rape, pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, one night stands, girly magazines, sexual advertisements, Tiger Woods,
    Viking Football orgies, the list goes on,

    I am unable to look at sex as solely a loving intimate connection (even in a marriage) with the person I love.

    I have a hard time getting my head around the ability of men to be able to separate sex and love.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that often I don't feel like my husband needs affection from me as much as he needs the raw sex. And that leaves me feeling like any of the above (prostitute, porn star, one night stand, ect.) And even after all of these years and a wonderful relationship, it leaves me feeling not too great about sex.

    If my husband were to start to beg, whine, or get angry when I wasn't in the mood, I can tell you I wouldn't think it was because he was missing connecting with ME! It's awful not knowing if your husband wants to genuinely connect and feel loved or if he just needs sex.

    Yes, I have been a gatekeeper at times, but sometimes I'm just not up to feeling used.
    Thank you very much.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Okay, this seems to be struggle between American men and American women. Nowadays I am seeing more White American men being married to Asian women (black men to Asian women, too). It seems that a lot of American women hate American men or just man-haters in general. What if a woman is a lesbian deep down inside, which is where her real desires may be? Do lesbians go through menopause? "Menopause" - the way it is spelled means a pause on men. Menopause may be forever and ever. I think American men (white or black) should date outside of their race and/or nationality. Many women in a lot of foreign countries treat their men like kings. As for Asian women, they "love you long time." People may laugh at that phrase, but it is true. Maybe it is the diet in these countries whereas American food is so full of chemicals and hormones.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I too suffer from this. I work 2 jobs, do the majority of cooking, cleaning, lawn care, fixing, laundry..etc and my wife does very little that I'm tired from work is bullshit in my opinion. When there is a sex drought, I feel rejected, angry, used, belittled...etc but I married for life. I want this fixed, suggestions?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    To September 8, what about talking with your wife?and I don't mean do what my husband does ie shout and argue in a rage. The thing that amazed me about my situation with my husband's anger at my lack of interest in sex was that if it were the other way round and he had developed a low sex drive and I was left wanting more then I'd be more worried or concerned about my husband. I'd be worried that he had an illness, was having an affair, didn't find me attractive or many other possibilities. My husband's first and only reaction to my lower sex drive has always been " what about me"? "when am I getting what I want" ?topped with a load of anger. Well thanks for all the care,concern and interest in working through this together. His "poor me " attitude tells me a lot about the way he sees our long marriage and I don't think it's an attitude I want to live with for the rest of my life. Coming second place to his needs does not fill me with the emotions required to want to have sex. This whole experience has made me feel more like my husband's property rather than his partner, not pleasant and in some way I feel betrayed and let down. I see a lot of men on this site say how it's not fair, well didn't anyone tell you that life's not fair! There are many many things in our marriage that I find extremely unfair but I don't bitch on about them. If you don't like something in your life then do something about it.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Yes, the low desire person controls the situation.
    The person with the higher desire is the one "missing" something in the relationship and the general opinion is that it is the low desire persons responsibility to fix it. Often (not always) the low desire tries to fix "their problem" without success. Wouldn't it make sense then, for the high desire person to try to help fix the situation by trying to lower their libido?
    Seriously, wouldn't it be better to not need sex as often as opposed to becoming angry, frustrated, hurting, and resentful because your partner can't fill your void. If the void went away, so would all the anger, frustration, hurt and resentfulness. Nobody has to divorce, cheat, or resent their partner. Go to your doctor and see what you can do to decrease your need and live in harmony.
    Take back your control. It's probably a lot easier than trying to increase a low libido.

  1. teddy said...:

    Hello im in the same situation I feel rejected because my wife says sex has nothing to do with a marriage being good. We both work and we have to kids . Evan after I get off from work ill come home cook and clean deal with kids homework baths and whatever. But ill pick and try to flirt with my wife. But she blows me off and is always coming up with excuses. We never had problems in our marriage but its like all o sudden now i feel like she dont want me or need me and I dont want a divorce but I got feelings and emotions that I want to share with her. But she dont want to be around me when she gets home from work I try to have super ready becouse I like to do things for her. But I need help I feel worthless and helpless what can I do arron

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I guess I'm the HDP, but I work all week long on the road. I'm only home on weekends. I treat her like the queen of England. I spoil her. I do everything to make her happy and I'm lucky to get intimate with her a couple times a month sometimes not at all. She sits at home all week, I know she's not cheating on me, but I can't figure out why she never wants to be intimate with me. It makes me feel like I don't mean as much to her, as she does to me. We are unmarried at this point and all I want is to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want to have temptation to cheat down the road, because my hand is the closest thing to sex I'd get. I don't feel like I want it all the time. I don't think it's a bad thing to want to engage with my partner after a long weeks work though. If you have anything to say that would help me out, I'd be great full. Thank you

  1. Boilermaker said...:

    Me and my wife are fairly newlyweds. We have been together for seven years and married for two years. I am 25 years old and she is 24. We do have any children. I work more than full time and she works part time and goes to college. Currently, our "no pants dance" numbers are about once a week at the most and if that. I try to take as mic off her plate as I possibly can with household chores and errands. Every time I try to engage the "mattress momba" she just rolls over or just falls asleep. I have voiced my concerns with her and at the conversation I felt our current drought situation will continue, and I was right. I know she deals with hyperthyroidism and I think it could be a possible culprit. However, I am not a doctor and couldn't definitively say that's the problem. Even if I try to be romantic she just says "Aww, how sweet" and when I see the chance to lay the moves down I get "I'm tired and ready to go to bed." EVERYTIME. I'm at the point to where I have stopped trying. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    ReadyForChange,

    Ironically, I was on this forum looking for something, ANYTHING, that may help my flailing sex life with an otherwise great relationship. Instead, I came across your problem, and think I can help share some perspective.

    I have the same schedule your husband does, three 12 hour days, four days off. I find that I'm most in the mood the days I'm coming home from work. I wasn't quite sure why that was until your post got me thinking about it.

    On days I work, I feel accomplished. Despite the fact that job is kind of menial, and not very physical, I still feel as though I did some good for the company I work for, and for my family (consisting of me, my wife, and our cat, no kids.) Because of this feeling of accomplishment, I have this...like...primal urge to go home and just !&$@! my wife, like I have just gotten back from a fresh kill and brought home meat for the tribe. I work in IT, so it's not even CLOSE to that, but I still feel very manly coming home from a long day of work, knowing I just made some decent money for my long day of labor. The problem is, I walk in the door at about 7 in the morning, and my wife isn't at all awake or in the mood, so most of the time I go to bed unsatisfied and disappointed. I don't slight her for it, but I have to admit, I feel pretty emasculated hearing "I'm too tired" all the time (and there isn't the offer on the table like you have for off either, which is a whole different set of problems...)

    So, as bizarre and controlling as this sounds, my suggestion is to find some "man" chores for him and put him to work doing them, then jump him when he comes from finishing, like a reward for doing "men's work." It sounds sexist and stupid, but being denied sex after a hard day in salt mines (even if it's not all that hard) can feel really emasculating, and when you didn't work, you, on some level, don't feel all that entitled to the reward. The moments come and gone now, so that window has passed. In other words, he isn't in the mood because he has to work to get there. So give him some work on an off day... something that's "too hard" (or that maybe actually is physically TOO HARD) for you... then reward him when he feels accomplished. Just don't make him work so hard he just wants to sleep lol!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    His Needs vs. Her Needs

    Who's are more important?
    How do we get them met?

    It looks like it's the expectations we put on marriage and our partners. I actually don't remember any vows telling me I will have sex so many times a week or else, yet my partner probably entered marriage THINKING I would want sex as often as they do.
    Where does that assumption come from?
    I don't know, but that is where the problem lies...expectations.

    When a guy feels like "she never wants sex" it is probably because he does want it. He needs it to either feel connected, wanted, for the physical release, to reduce stress, for self validation, any number of reasons. The guy needs his sex.

    Well, when she's "Not in the mood", she doesn't have the same needs at the moment (or for the week, month, the year, however long).

    Because our social/religious structure of marriage requires sexual fidelity, the expectation is that the partner is to meet the other's sexual needs if They need them or Not. Now what's wrong with this picture?

    What's the poor person to do if the other doesn't need what they need at the same time ?

    Feel resentful, angry, hurt, manipulated, and because we are human, let's throw in a little rejection.

    We ALL use sex to make us feel better for a million different reasons. Some of us need to feel better more often than others.

    We need to ask ourselves: Who's needs are more important? Why are they more important?
    And then talk about it.









  1. Anonymous said...:

    Women won't have sex with their husbands because they believe they should not have to any more. They got the man they wanted through coercion, false pretenses, lies, and fraud. They put in the work already. Why plow that field again?

    Women believe that they should not be expected to perform any "task", at any time, and in any

  1. Sickofitall said...:

    Women won't have sex with their husbands because they believe they should not have to any more. They got the man they wanted through coercion, false pretenses, lies, and fraud. They put in the work already. Why plow that field again?

    Women believe that they should not be expected to perform any "task", at any time, and in any

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I believe I read a comment on the "Husband always wants sex" that said that we women should be happy our husband still desires you and wants to have sex with you all the time.
    Well, perhaps you guys should be glad when the wife doesn't need sex very often. It means she feels content and connected to you. It's a good sign.
    Feeling loved, connected, desired, are all needs.
    This article talks about the guy who needs sex to feel connected to his wife. Well, that's great, but have you asked yourself why you need to feel connected more often than your wife does? How are her needs being met while yours aren't?
    Are there other forms of intimacy that you aren't getting that can help you feel more connected to your wife.
    Is the ONLY way to feel connected and loved is through sex?
    Why do you not feel loved if you aren't getting the sex you need?
    What ELSE is missing?
    Is it just the sex for sex's sake?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    We have birth control now which has taken away a natural roadblock to sex. Maybe, in our instant access to everything world, we are expecting easy access to sex also. If you don't get it and you don't get it when you want or need it, the other person is being selfish for withholding.
    In the past, the woman would get a natural break from sex with ovulation and the fear of pregnancy putting a moratorium on sex for a while EVERY month. Wonder if the men moaned and complained back then? Think it did them any good? It was a fact of life.
    Because of our easy access (except for women's moods) , and lack of fear from pregnancy, are we beginning to expect to much from sex? Are we becoming a selfish generation?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'm in the same boat what's going on I our lives I feel the same way dude

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well I have a similar problem as a lot of yall.

    I am at my wits end. I am VERY much the HDP. When my wife and I got together we were like jackrabbits for about 4 years ... then we had a kid which immediately dropped her libido in half, and for the last 15 years her libido had been growing less and less to the point that I am lucky if we have s3x once a month. It gets so bad that i will not take a medication that I NEED to be taking because my libido goes way up and while I manage to restrain myself from advances it throws me in to a major depression having to do so on top of the rebuffs.

    There is nothing that can be helped about the situation I love her and I know that she loves me. We have discussed this problem several times over the years and I have tried EVERYTHING that she has asked me to do and no matter what she just doesn't have the libido for it.

    The problem is that there are times ... like today ... that I literally cannot concentrate on anything else and my mind is scattered to the winds.
    When this happens I am like this until she wants it.

    I have thought about holding back on what she needs emotionally to prove a point but that wouldn't solve any problems and indeed would make them worse.

    I am so tired of the following:

    "Maybe later" - that translates in to some random time in the future but not anytime soon.

    "You already had some" - More than a week later.

    "Not tonight"

    " is home" - never-mind if she wants it it's fine.

    As far as birth control making us want it more for lack of fear. I that that the biological and evolutionary needs are more the trouble.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    i feel you to brother. im so tired of being the room mate.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    WOW. no one wants to tell the truth about this but man o man i believe you did!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    you my friend are obviously a woman.just keep on making excuses and see what happens

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Only when the female is fertile and only if she accepts you.. providing another male didn't beat you up first....... aaaahhhhh sounds like another male got to you.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    one word for your genetic theroy.......BULLSHIT. you and every other woman on the planet have free will. you chose to be who and what you are.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    man where was she at when i was single? every three hours heck yeah. sure sounds better than our 3 or 4 times a year.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What happens if your wife doesnt wanna have sex nd its been nearly 2months and everytime you try you get shutdown

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Happens all the time! . Do what I do... Get girlfriends. Got tired of asking just to be rejected.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'm surprised the men/women here haven't figured out the obvious solution. One guy put it perfectly when he said that HSD and LSD simply are not compatible. If you aren't having sex at least twice per month (that is for married couples with children) I would suggest just finding a mistress to supplement. Obviously talk to your spouse first but if they simply won't change sorry but we have needs. If she discovers the affair just divorce. Every human being has ONE LIFE and we deserve to be happy in it. Women are full of excuses to not have sex once they bag and man and get a ring. I told my wife right up front if she withholds sex and I feel we are no longer sexually compatible then we will divorce because sex is too important to me. There are plenty of women out there who want it. I have lost track of the number of male friends I kbnow that left their wife for another woman because their wife wasn't putting out and they are happay as hell now. If the new one changes we can always move on to another one until we are too old to care about sex anymore. Live life!!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    You cannot deny the biological differences between men and women. The average man desires sex much more often than the average woman. That's a fact. It doesn't diminish the love women have for their husbands. If you feel the woman is obligated to give in whenever the man desires sex, then it is clearly a chore. Expect her to behave accordingly. My advice is to ask how often she wants it and respect that. It will usually be once a week. You can also ask for quickies. But don't act like she owes you sex. It's not a need. It's a desire. You won't die. Learn to control your desires. Big boys do it all the time. Oh, and don't be a bad lover. Learn how to turn her on and finish the job. It goes both ways. If you want to leave because she isn't your sex slave? PLEASE GO! Make some other woman miserable with your demands. You won't be missed.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    So I am reading through the thread after searching info on my wife and her lack of desire for sex. I have been married for 18 years now. We have 2 children and have been through the highs and lows together. I am a very good looking, respectful and faithful husband but I have noticed that after hitting her mid 40's the desire to be intimate is not there for her. I am a man who aims to insure his woman is satisfied. I spend plenty of time covering every inch of her body before I even think of penetration. She is never dis-satisfied during sex. Recently, if I try to engage her she pushes me away as if I am some stranger grab assing her in a club. I pretty much have had my fill and am contemplating my next course of action. Women need to take care of their man. I cook, clean, take of my wife and kids. Every woman I meet seems to advance at me and the one I want most seems to have no interest. Just because a man isn't being fed at home doesn't mean he is gonna starve, he's just gonna get take out...... it's easy to do! The worst part is that I know myself very well and once I get grass on the other side of the fence I won't stop! Any Advice? I am open ears!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I just had my 23rd anniversary last weekend. I am 52 my wife is 62. we havn't had sex in over 10 years. Last November at a funeral of a friend of mine, out of town, we stayed at a hotel and after a few shots of tequila, later we had an intimate time... no sex but touching. A few weeks later at home, in the morning, the same thing. Since then.. nothing. We went to a concert for our anniversary out of town and stayed at a hotel, I tried to initiate something but was turned down. The next night at home which was our actual anniversary, we talked and she said she'd had too much to drink the night before.. suggesting I thought, that tonight may be the night. Wrong. I'm sick of waiting, I think maybe she's having an affair and maybe the way I should go.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Really? Not taking care of our husband? What about those wives who endure constant emotional abuse and have been through years of constant ridicule? I have a high drive but my husband has been abusive and demeaning for the majority of our marriage and I have completely lost my desire for him! I know every time that He approaches me that if I say no he will turn against me in an emotionally abusive manner. The behavior has made it impossible for me to connect in that way with him. Now if he wants to go out and sleep with someone else then that negates the whole factor that sex is way for men to connect with their wives! Strangrt sex isn't about anything more then getting your rocks off! Men need to take more responsibility for the way they make their wives feel versus how they are feeling! You have no clue about women or how to connect. If my husband goes outside our marriage then that is on him and my lack of desire for the abusive, self absorbed man he is did not make him do anything.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Desiring a stranger for first time sex is quite different than desiring the same man for 15 years. The novelty wears off. It's not exciting. That does not mean you aren't attractive. It just means been there, done that a million times. If you place sex over your relationship, my advice is to leave. You won't be missed. Honestly. It's better than cheating. If you want to be honest, tell her that you would rather divorce than not have sex however many times you desire it. Be upfront about your priorities in life. She will like knowing that and it will make the divorce easier for her.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Women do not want sex as often. Read that over and over. It's not you. It's simply that we don't want it. Explain to her how important it is for you. Maybe consider quickies. You have to respect her wishes. You have to understand that women are not men and that's ok. Relationships aren't easy. Give and take. If you want a long term relationship with a woman, you have to give up frequent, hot sex. Otherwise go find a new girl every few months. Advantages to both. Choose and stick with it instead of wanting your cake and eat it too.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I try so hard to meet my husbands needs. It seems the more sex we have, the more frequent and kinky he wants it. He pushes all the time. It seems like an addiction that keeps getting worse. I can't take it anymore. The more he pushes, the more I hate sex. With him anyway. Wish he knew that it takes time for a woman's desire for sex to replenish. He is very selfish. Does not care if I want or enjoy it. All that matters is what and when he wants it. Yuck! Men who push ruin a womans sexual appetite.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Too much of a good thing! I love lasagna, but if I had to eat it more than once a week, I would dread it and just go through the motions of eating it. My husband would complain too. Yet, when it comes to sex, he would have it every few hours. I just don't understand how it doesn't get boring, monotonous and downright annoying. It must be biological. Men can make babies several times a day. Women can get pregnant once a month and then carry that baby for 9 months and then nurse for another year. If you don't think biology makes men and women have varying sex drives, you are mistaken. Yes, we have free will and yes we OFTEN times have sex just to please our partner. You have to appreciate that and not take advantage of it. We can only take so much before we crack and refuse altogether. Just don't pressure too much or too often. Handle things on your own often.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Go get your grass on the other side. See if it makes you happy. Egotistical, narcissistic jerk! What happens after the sex? Your ex and kids will forever look at you as the sex obsessed jerk that you are. Fair enough? Or, you could love and respect your wife. Discuss the situation without judgment or pressure or anger. Middle ground. Then be appreciated for being a mature, civilized and loving man.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Women don't get the romance they desire from husbands but you don't see them threatening to get it outside the relationship. Grow up. Don't expect sex too frequently and it will be fine. Two people are involved and both are important. You don't want her to act like it's a chore? Then wait until she is ready. Enough of this BS that it is a need. Men go without all the time and live to see another day.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    And your miserable husband/boyfriend certainly won't miss your frigid and sexually repressed ass. Once a week? Who's your old man nailing on the side? Lol

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Women step out almost as often as men when they don't get their "romance" [read: sufficient level of ass kissing]. Poor little things wanna be put on a pedestal all the time when they're mostly banal, boorish prudes from the Victorian era. How's that work out for you ladies. Go find the sensitive ponytail guy who is a sexual cripple and you'll be out bitching and looking for an alpha male who can finally. F U silly. Men, wake the hell up. There is no winning at this game. Dump their assess and find someone more compatible.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    This article expresses the sole reason my attitude toward sex with my husband changed.

    When we were first married, we had sex all the time.
    Of course, part of that was the newness and the brain cocktail of the honeymoon period. It was great. We were sharing our sexual energy with each other.

    After my first child, I started losing interest in sex.
    Here is why:
    1. I had an infant who could not survive without my attention. Babies are exhausting.
    2. I had a full time job on top of a baby.
    3. I had a husband who started complaining that
    he wasn't getting enough attention sexually.

    I had an infant sucking most of my energy out of me. I had a husband who was beginning to become whiny about his sexual needs. That is when His true needs started to show.

    Like this article, my husband didn't feel connected or loved by me if he couldn't have sex with me.
    What is that? That is a needy person....someone who has to have me supply their feeling of self worth and validation. NOT sexy.

    What I needed was a man who could take care of himself (unlike an infant). A man who didn't need to suck more life energy out of me for him to feel good about HIMSELF, especially knowing I didn't have much to give at that time. I turned off to sex.
    It was a self protection action.

    I am turned on by a man who feels good about himself without my sexual approval. I get turned on by male 'energy' and power not by a male's need for sexual validation.

    I understand the male sexual tension. I have no problem relieving it as such and I do. That can be quick and easy. But, if sex is the only way he can feel loved by me, he has a big problem and I can't help. If he doesn't feel loved by me because I'm not initiating sex or slobbering all over his body, he has a bigger problem yet.

    I no longer enjoy sex because it isn't coming from a place of equality. He needs sex much more than I do and he needs it from a place of emptiness. He needs me to make him feel better about himself.

    I need him to come to me already feeling loved and good about himself. I need him to want to share his male sexual energy not come to me to give him male sexual energy.

    Having a baby opened my eyes to where my husband was coming from and it was a total turn off. My attitude about sex changed completely.

    Hope he can learn to feel good about himself without my sexual approval so he can come to the relationship filled with male energy to give. I'd love to turn back on to my guy.

    Please guys, don't rely on sex to make you feel good about yourself. It's a turn off. Find something you enjoy that floats your boat and fills your self esteem. Then come back to the relationship able to give of yourself instead of needing your woman to validate you as a person.
    That won't last too long.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Yes! Whining does nothing but make the woman see the man as a needy baby! Exactly! And let's face it. That's exactly what most are. They feel unloved if they don't get sex every day? Really? That's BS. No woman needs a whiny, sex obsessed man to make her feel like sex is a chore. Pretty women can find a man to satisfy their needs any day, any time. Women work full time now. We don't need men financially. Time to grow up if you want a relationship. If not, that's fine! Go!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I think some immature men get married to have easy, frequent sex. They don't really love the woman, they just love the easy sex. Women today work full time. They are less and less willing to fake desire. Why should they? Why should they turn something that should be enjoyable for both people into an act of service? Show respect for your wife as a person with her own desires and preferences. Only get married if you are willing to compromise because that is what marriage is. Two EQUALS sharing their lives. I've also heard that the most demanding men are the worst in bed. Selfish. All about him. Mature, respectful men know how to make love (and you can't learn that by watching porn) and respect their partners preferences. Those are the men worth marrying. If one is not in the mood, the other just waits.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Bell?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Why can't some men figure out that the more they get angry about sex, the less sex they will get? Do they really think complaining and getting pissed will make the woman want to have sex with them more often? It does the opposite. Some men are truly stupid,

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I now feel so sorry for any bride that I see on her wedding day as she doesn't realize that the honeymoon period is the start of the end of a happy life. After 25+ years of being married to my husband I've come to realize that as a wife you are only as good as the last time you performed! All those vows he promised you the day you married were just an act. The very fact that once you've got the ring on your finger automatically means you no longer exist as a person but as a cook, cleaner, mother,General dogs body and prostitute. If your husband can't be bothered to be a friend , a source of comfort and support or a father and husband without putting his need for sex first then it's fair to say that he doesn't see you as worth the effort. There are lots of men on here moaning about how little they get? Awe what a shame, when was the last time you made your lady feel special?and genuinely meant it. Not just stringing her along to get your end result. Imagine the sheer disappointment that after years of staying faithful and trying your best in the relationship you come to see that the man you devoted your future to is so shallow and consumed with life between his legs that this is as good as it gets! I thought that as the years went by the sign of a real man was his ability to be mature , realistic, loving and understanding. The male selfishness in the bedroom is enough to make any good woman turn to lesbianism.

    August 22, 2014 at 12:40 PM


    I just had to repost that. It actually made me cry! $&@# men and their angry demands about sex. Being a wife of one of these jerks is HELL on earth!

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I feel so incredibly sorry for everyone on this chat. All of these men who are are so angry at their wives. I have only one piece of advise for you. The nicer you are to your lady the more sex you will get. I have the low desire in our marriage, but I will do absolutely any explicit sexual act for my husband that he desires at any time. Because not a day goes by that he doesnt make me feel loved, respected, secure and safe. Its not an obligation, and because it osnt I just want to award him for being so good to me. ALL THE TIME. Maybe if you acted like you cared about your wife, she would to.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Bit of advice for the man trying to pose as his fantasy wife above. Try to talk like a woman. Using words like explicit, secure, safe and award gave it away. And why would you be here reading if things were so wonderful for you? Nice try. And by the way, no woman views sex as an award. Nor should she. It should be a pleasurable wanted act between two equals. You can care about your husband and still not want sex ALL THE TIME. And we aren't in caveman times. Safe and secure? From what? Bears?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Well aren't you the perfect little stepford wife. Explicit sex all the time as an award. Why exactly are you here reading and posting? LOL

    I don't think men quite understand what it feels like to have unwanted sex all the time. You don't eventually get into it. It is like any other chore. You can't wait until it's over. Men say they want their wives to be into it and then they say they want their wives to submit joyfully even if they aren't in the mood. They should try to accept women for who and what they are. Compromise is required.

    I read where women feel the same hunger for sex after 20 days of not having it that men feel after 1. If the hunger isn't there, you can't force it. Do you want your wife to fake it? Ask yourself how much faking you could do when you aren't hungry for sex. Can you try to imagine that? It wears on you! It creates resentment and a negative attitude about sex with that person. Is your sexual satisfaction more important than your wife's happiness? In many cases sadly the answer is yes.

    And to those of you that say men aren't in the mood to go to work, that's apples and oranges. You aren't taking your clothes off and being touched in sensitive places. Women may not feel like doing the dishes or picking up children or cleaning toilets or going to her job but they do it. We all have non sexual chores. That's part of being a grown up. Sex should not be a chore or an obligation. It should be mutually desired.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I'm SURE men don't understand what it feels like to have unwanted sex ALL the time. Most men can't imagine ever not wanting it.

    I liken it to finishing a huge meal and being forced to continue to eat until you vomit. Repeat daily until just the thought of food makes you sick. Oh, and while you're being force fed you need to smile and moan like you truly think the meal is delicious. Bring on more.

    Asking a woman to honestly crave sex and joyfully give her body to her husband when she doesn't want sex at the moment is like asking a man to start to penetrate a woman and after two thrusts stop, roll over, and tell me how wonderful that was. Then peacefully fall asleep.

    I believe that men think that once they are married, the sex will stay the same as it was before marriage. I also think men are under the impression that a wife is to always fulfill their sexual needs enthusiastically (oh, except on those rare occasions she REALLY doesn't want to) then she can provide charity sex.

    Guys, women can be over fed sex! When there isn't an internal urge, and we give lovingly over and over again because we love you, after a while the "lovingly" part goes away and it becomes a chore. We shut down because we become resentful of being used for your pleasure when we aren't into at the time. Sorry if that isn't as often as you would prefer.

    Maybe we are prude or frigid or whatever other names you can call us. Sorry, we are NOT male and don't have the biological drive to want sex as often as you. Ever wonder how wives can go for EVER without sex? They don't need it like you do. Women fluctuate by nature.

    Sex should be something that IS shared enthusiastically. If you want us to be into you, give us breaks. Compromise...it's not all about your needs. I can see how so many wives get turned off of sex. That is not right either...actually that is pretty sad and even sadder that it is so common.

    Start a marriage out by promising to only have sex when both partners are enthusiastic about getting it on. That way, both parties win and you don't create resentment and distaste for unwanted sex.

    Don't create a chore where a chore shouldn't exist.
    Sexual intimacy takes two and should be a treat enjoyed by two not enjoyed by just one.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    As a husband. I've been in the same situation as all of you for the last 18 years of my 20 year marriage. I have finally given up and come to accept this way of life for the sake of being in the same home as my children. The last time initiated love making and was rejected, I told my wife "if you won't make love to me, I will find someone that will". I said it as honestly as I could without any anger or frustration.

    This is what I've done to finally get on with my life and still enjoy family life with my wife and kids. I wanted a no strings attached sexual relationship with someone, therefore i met a women in the same situation as me to have sex with 2-3 times a week. I kick myself for not doing this 18 years ago. We both satisfy each other and get back to our families. It's been 8 months and I haven't asked my wife to make love and can tell it somewhat bothers her, however, too bad. I don't need it from her as I'm now satisfied by someone that enjoys having sex with me. You snooze, you lose. I can actually say that our relationship is a lot less stressful and peaceful. It actually helped improve my marriage to the point where she wants to have sex however, too stubborn to initiate it. Oh well!

    True as it gets story of my life. I say, men...go for it.

 
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