What if My Spouse Is a Serial Cheater?

It's one of the hardest things to handle when you find out your spouse has been cheating on you. It's an even harder thing to find out that they've had a habit of it for a long time. In fact, in all my experience as a marriage counselor in Westminster, Colorado one of the things that devastates a marriage the most is when one spouse is or has been a serial cheater. But there is hope. Below are five steps that will help you begin the process of healing after you discover your spouse has been a serial cheater.

Steps To Help You Recover After a Serial Affair


1) Give yourself Time to Get Over The Shock. Many people think that as soon as they find out about an affair they have to make a decision right away about whether to stay or go. This is actually one of the worst things you can do. Quick decisions are usually bad ones, especially after such an emotionally charged discovery like an affair because you make decisions based off of pure emotions and incomplete information. Don't force yourself to make a decision yet. Give yourself some time to work through the initial shock first. This can take anywhere from a couple weeks to a month or more.

2) Decide Whether You Want to Try to Work on Your Marriage. After the initial shock has worn off think about whether you want to try to work on your relationship They key word is try. This doesn't mean you should make a definitive decision to stay or to go. You only need decide if you want to try to make it work. There are still a lot of things that you'll both need to work on to determine whether your relationship is salvageable or not. You only need to decide if you want to begin trying.


3) Begin A Transparency Contract. Whenever there is an affair the spouse who has been cheated on (called the injured partner) always questions how they will ever trust their cheating spouse again. The cheating spouse (called the participating partner) usually told a web of very believable lies and hid things out of the injured partners' view. This leaves the injured partner questioning what they can or can't believe about their spouse anymore. And they certainly don't want to be caught with the wool over their eyes again. So for their own protection they err on the safe side and decide not to believe most of what the cheating partner says - after all, believing their spouse is what go them in trouble in the first place.


The best way that I have found for a couple to overcome this obstacle is through a transparency contract. What this means is that the participating partner opens up all their private information to the injured partner. This includes cell phone bills, credit card & bank statements, internet passwords, text messages, etc. This will help the injured partner to really believe what the cheating spouse tells them and also gives cold hard proof that the cheating behavior has really stopped and isn't just being hid.


4) Call a Marriage Counselor. While affairs aren't necessarily uncommon, serial affairs are...and it's a big sign of bigger issues. While some couples are able to work through an affair on their own (which I don't recommend) I have very rarely heard of a couple who has been able to work through the discovery of serial cheating on their own. In fact, I haven't heard of it at all. When you call the counselor, ask them if they have experience helping couples with serial affairs. See my article on how to find a good marriage counselor for more info on what to look for in a good marriage counselor.

5) Call an Individual Counselor. I often recommend that the participating partner also begin their own individual counseling to help them identify their reasons for serial cheating. One affair is a slip up...maybe even two. More than that is a big sign of bigger issues that they need to sort out on their own with the help of a counselor. Ultimately, it's not the transparency contract that's going to save the marriage. It's the fundamental change in the participating partner that's going to. This will happen best with individual counseling.

Healing After Serial Cheating is a Process, Allow Yourselves Time


These five steps are just the beginning of a long road. But it can be done. There is much, much more that a couple needs to do in order to overcome such a big relationship violation as serial cheating. For example there needs to be accountability, making acts of repair, addressing any relationship vulnerabilities, recreating intimacy, and eventually forgiveness - just to name a few.

For any couple who is challenged with overcoming an affair there is I recommend a really great book called Getting Past The Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal and Move on - Together or Apart.  It's Really, really, good. It is a great supplement to to my other recommendation to any couple stressed by serial cheating: Go see a marriage counselor.

Nothing Can Replace a Good Marriage Counselor

Ultimately, nothing can replace a good marriage counselor. A good marriage counselor can help you and your spouse overcome the many challenges you encounter on your road to healing. The best ones don't just help you heal but they also help you and your spouse to recreate a new relationship that's trusting, strong, passionate and vibrant.


14 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...:

    interesting read. i am in a worse situation, we are talking the fourth affair after always promising she wont do it again. we've even tried counseling. i hate to say i give up, even with 3 kids involved.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Wow....sorry to here that....I am going through a rough time. ...I am set up to leave but have not dont so....I. am unhappy and sad....pray for me..I will pray for you

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am so confused. I'm gorgeous, I'm faithful, I dode on my husband, I have sex with him whenever he wants. He doesn't really have "affairs" with dating and intimacy but he travels for work mon-fri and in our 10 year marriage I have caught him in 8 one night stand type situations with random women or even escorts! I'll even pack up and leave and he's begging me to come back, with tears , promising it was just because he was lonely and he won't do it again....then he does! What do u do? I feel like a total idiot. We have children and they adore him. We seem to have a great marriage on the outside. I feel like it's a farse

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I just found out my husband has been cheating through our entire 5 year marriage. It started with emotional cheating and escalated to a full out affair. This has happened 3 times that I know of. I also found out that every time we go on holidays he wonders off and pays for sex wherever he can find it. My heart is broken and I'm not sure I can ever truly trust again or forgive him. It has only been a week since I found out about all of this and the worst part is that he is mad at me for finding out. I feel like he hates me and our relationship is past the point of fixing but I have been trying to make it work for the sake of our kids, the youngest is only 5 weeks old.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Have you considered that your spouse might be a sex addict? I found Out my husband had numerous affairs. After trying To figure Out what was wrong with me I came across a good counselor that asked him To take a test. He was a sex addict ( a lot of people nowadays are I found Out). He went to a conference called Every Man's Battle. Now he is in recovery.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Does cheating two times count as a serial cheater?

  1. Aaron Anderson said...:

    Anonymous,
    cheating twice is not usually a sign of serial cheating per se. But it can be the start of one... or it can be a confirmation if other signs are there.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My wife has been my best friend and soul mate for 17 years. She is my first true love and I am hers. The last affair, #8, has destroyed our marriage, home, her career, caused intense stress and trauma to our lovely 10 year old son, and completely broken my heart. It has been devastating. I kept giving her my love, trust, kindness and love thinking that would influence our future. My beautiful lovely wife was molested as a child by her father and has a mother who is on her 10the marriage. my parents are still married and were highschool sweethearts. I have stood by her side for years encouraging counseling for her past and our marriage. Our beautiful family and our deep love are now extinct. I am suffering greatly from a broken heart and soul. everything we have invested in has been destroyed. every single one of these men have been the same. They have all treated her exactly as what she is. I have no point here. I just wanted to share. thank you for listening

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband has been cheating on me on and off for 8 of our 12 year marriage. I catch him every time and he always promises it will never happen again, but there comes a time when you have to step back and realize that you deserve better and you've done all you can do to save your marriage.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My girl left her fiance for me. When this occurred she led me to believe the relationship was already over. Everyone said she would do it to me, and I didn't believe them because what we had was real. She did, with a guy I introduced her to. I think I feel mostly disappointed that she would throw away our future, and embarrassment that she would go out in public, and involve my friends in her "dates". She says she still loves me, and wants to continue, but I have no trust in her, and she still hasn't blocked all communication. I fear that it is over. At this point I think I need her to show me she loves me..and not just say it. Words are meaningless. I need proof. Until then I am going to live my life on my own. I wish there were more resources for men who have cheating women..as their reasons for cheating are different.

  1. Anonymous said...:

    What do you do when your husband brings home STD'S? We've been married a little over a year and he brought home a STD. We have been together for 4 yrs. During those years he has brought home STDs twice. I have caught him buying escorts from backpages. He always acts like he is sorry and promises not to do it again. I feel that not wearing a condom while cheating is the worst thing you can do to your partner. I wish I could charge him with attempted murder. My problem is I have become accustomed to our lifestyle financially. I don't want to go back to being a single mother and struggling. My plan is to try to stick it out for three years until my oldest finishes high school. Then I will be in a better place financially. What do you suggest?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    Yes

  1. Anonymous said...:

    My husband and I are each on our 2nd marriage. We both cheated on our former spouses. I learned a lesson and will never do THAT again. So when we got married we had many talks about how bad that was, and to never do it again. I hurt so many people including myself. My husband on the other hand did not quit. We were married 6 years when I got a STD. He convinced me it was a freak thing and he was not having sex with anyone else, "swear to God". I so believed him I was blind to the facts. I kept getting the same STD through the years, I couldn't believe it he would cheat on me and be so stupid not to wear a condom after the first STD incident. My dr told me over and over that my husband was cheating. Fast forward to 2012 I got a call from a young woman 20 years old that she was having an affair with my husband for 9 months. He is 58 years old.! After being caught he still could not quit. (I used gps on his phone to track him) It is such a difficult thing to deal with. We have not had any counseling. It did not work in my first marriage. I don't want another divorce and I truly love this guy. Why is it people that have everything,risk it all for an ego trip?

  1. Anonymous said...:

    I am 8months pregnant and the father is a serial cheater. I decided to leave him after finding out he's initiating sex from different girls. I wonder if this guy
    Doesn't have some problem cz he is one of those guys that would never commit to one person and that scares me as I don't want my baby to be exposed to such a character

 
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