5 Signs That it's Over: HER Point of View

If there's one thing my experience as a marriage counselor has taught me more than anything else it's that men and women are different. And I don't just mean biologically. Women have different drives, motivations and fulfillments than men do. And as a marriage counselor, I have also discovered that women and men also give off different signs when the relationship is over. In a previous post I addressed signs that it's over from HIS point of view. So here is the long awaited sequel from HER point of view. 

5 Signs It's Over from HER Point of View

1)  She Stops Talking To You. This one might seem like a no-brainer but you'd be surprised how many men come to my office telling me that they never saw their divorce coming because she never said anything. Well, the fact that she's not saying anything to you is a sign in itself. 

In a healthy relationship couples communicate openly with each other about lots of little things. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other about lots of daily things: bills, kids, calendaring, etc. And even if they didn't need to talk to each other, they should want to talk to each other about small things. But if your wife is past caring, she doesn't get any fulfillment from talking with you and she just stops. She might not scream or yell (which are the typical signs of a bad relationship). She just stops talking. But if your wife stops talking to you that's a big sign that your relationship is in real trouble. 

2) She Complains a Lot...Even If You Do What She Asks. In healthy relationships, couples love to talk to each other. One will ask the other to do something and the other one is happy to do it for them. When a wife is unhappy, though, she stops making requests and it usually turns into complaints instead. So instead of requesting "will you take the garbage out" she complains "Why don't you ever take the garbage out". This is normally just a sign of a bad spot in the relationship. But when you start doing the things she's complaining about, and she still complains about them then that's a sign the relationship is in serious trouble. 

Normally, when a spouse is angry that you haven't taken the garbage out, they get over it after you finally take it out. But if they continue in their anger, that means that there's usually some deeper resentment and anger that they're feeling towards you. And when this deeper anger and resentment surfaces that doesn't go away after doing what they requested, that's a good sign that that they have deeper anger towards you that isn't simply going to go away after you take the garbage out. 

3) No Sex. In a previous post, author Rachel Russo described how sex is a metaphor for your relationship. So it makes sense, then, that when sex isn't happening the relationship isn't happening either. Women and men are both inherently sexual creatures. It's in our biology. A woman wants to be sexual just as much as her partner does. But if she's not feeling love, connection or value in the relationship she's not going to want sex - even if her partner does. Don't fool yourself into thinking that women just never want sex. They really do. They just need to feel it in the relationship first. And if they're not feeling it, that's a good sign that the relationship is in a really bad place. 

4) She Stops Doing Little Things For You. In healthy relationships, husbands and wives are happy to do things for each other. They feel a sense of fulfillment and happiness when they see you happy so they do little things to lift up your day. But when things are going really bad, your wife stops thinking about what will uplift you because she feels so hurt herself that she doesn't want to anymore. When your relationship gets to this point, that's a big sign that it may be over. This means that she is so far past caring for you that it doesn't matter to her if you're happy or not. So she stops doing things to uplift you because she sees no point in it anymore.  

5) She Starts Seeking Attention Elsewhere. This is perhaps the biggest sign that your relationship is over from her point of view. Women love to feel loved (who doesn't?). But if she's not feeling love from you, then she'll seek it from somewhere else. This can mean that she starts getting really into book clubs, mommy groups or really focuses on her children - to the exclusion of her husband. It can even mean that she starts facebooking with old boyfriends, etc. When this happens your wife is filling that void you should be filling with something else. And once that void starts being filled by someone other than you, that's a big sign that your marriage could be over. 

It Doesn't Have to Be Over

Just because your wife is giving you these signs, that doesn't mean that your relationship has to be over. There are still plenty of couples who work it out and make it through. So if you see these signs, take a moment and think about what's going on in your relationship. Identify what things may be making your wife feel so put out and turned off and then work together to address them. Talk to her openly about what she's feeling and why she's feeling this way. Then identify things you can both do to help overcome this hurdle. By talking openly and listening to each other you can changes these from signs that it's over to hurdles you overcame to save your relationship.  


  1. Steve Horsmon said...:

    excellent advice, Aaron! Every word!

  1. Suzie A. said...:

    Definitely a great list! Women have different ways of experiencing unhappiness in a relationship. Emotional distance is the primary indicator and leads to everything else. But, usually, women will be quite obvious about being unhappy in a relationship, even if it's subconsciously. Great post!!

  1. Thank Q said...:

    I don't know, Doc. To some that sounds like a regular marriage. LOL! Seriously, great advice. #5 is the killer, too. When she starts looking elsewhere it really hits home that she's almost out the door.

  1. Great list! Women certainly have different signs that indirectly let our partners know "hey, this is over!" True these things can be part of every marriage, as Q said, but the difference is whether or not it's because of a fight/argument/stress/work schedules etc and it's temporary or if this has been going on for a while. If sh's seeking attention elsewhere though, it's over!

  1. Divorced Kat said...:

    Very true about a woman going silent. I also realize in hindsight that I would stay pissed off about dumb, trivial things because I was so upset and scared of the direction that my marriage was going in.

  1. Larry Miller said...:

    Yep it might be time to start paying attention.

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